Padma's Valentine

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(Present time)-- Padma paid for the bill with what little she had left. Then she slipped herself some raggedy pill in an attempt to induce sanity regarding the night’s events. On this St. Valentine’s Day she plopped herself on the brown grass with her hand on her face.
“Six blue suns and one fat lizard… I know I’m saying some stupid shit right now. But Tim was a cute one.”
(Past)-- Padma’s one of those lost girls on Valentine’s Day, always failing to find the one. Tim was a regular at her chocolate shop; either buying treats for himself or for the ladies in his family. “Hi Padma” he would say. His usual purchase was four hazelnut chocolate bars and a small bag of chocolate almond chips.
“Hey, um. There’s a Valentine’s Day sale this week, everything’s 20% off.”“Oh yeah? That’s really great.”
“Yeah I know. Um, hey, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“How would you like to have dinner with me this weekend? Like as my Valentine. I mean you don’t have to. I just thought about it.”
“I’ll definitely check my schedule, but of course Padma. We can have dinner.”
She thanked him quietly as she rang up his chocolate order. “He’s a nice guy,” she thought, feeling bubbly. Padma was Indian-Cuban with sad, hazel eyes. Raised in Venice Beach, California but none of the beautiful people picked her up. All she could do was try. Try to be loved. It’s not like she was a hopeless romantic, because she wasn’t. She just wanted love to love her back, or to live in a fairytale for once but make it real.
As she arrived at Le Sol, she found Tim waiting, patiently stirring the water in his glass. He wasn’t nervous. Padma was, though in a joyful way. It was her first date in months and on Valentine’s Day! Le Sol was comprised of a foreign, sexy, and tropical theme. Waiting in Vain by Bob Marley lilted the soft air. Dim lighting surrounded red candled island tables and fire torches. A young, blonde waitress dropped a plate of arroz con pollo.
“It must suck to work today,” Tim murmured. Every table area was separated by flat bamboo bridges over flowing water pools.
“Hi Tim. Will today be a fairytale?” Padma threw her hair around as she approached their table. He greeted her with a smile.
“Wow you look great Pad.” He got up from his chair and kissed her. When he offered to take her coat, she refused and took it herself.
“Where’s our waiter?” she asked.
“Don’t know. Our glasses were filled when I got here.”
Padma looked at Tim and gave a nervous laugh. Hearts were in the air. Heart shaped crystal lamps. The flow of water over pebbles was audible. The flow of water into anonymous glasses. The flow of blood through her body.
“Hello my name is Kathleen and I am your waitress for today; and happy St. Valentine’s Day.” She began to lay down lemons on a plate. Tim requested a straw. She held one out and said “I’ll give you time to look through your menus,” and walked away.
Tim stared at the couple of tulips in the glass. His fingers pressed against it to feel the coldness coming from the water. “They’re beautiful. Do you agree?”
“Lovely,” she replied. “A tulip is my favorite flower. What is yours?”
“Mine too,” he agreed. They spoke like that through the night as their ordered drinks came in, appetizers, main dishes, and their shared dessert; A melted vodka chocolate heart cake.
“Oh God. Tim is so great. I really want him to come over,” she thought. “Tim let’s get out of here,” she said, in a sleepy tone.
“Sure. Just excuse me for a minute. I need to use the men’s room.” As he walked towards the rest room, Tim surveyed the other couples out there for the night, with red flowers on their tables and boxes of chocolates, unopened. He smiled, opened the bathroom door, and stood in front of a urinal. He opened his fly and feeling relieved, he looked down at his urine release. He tugged at his penis. No other man was there so he thought out loud: “Maybe I’ll get with her tonight.” Looking over his reflection in the mirror, he washed his hands. When he opened the door, Padma was there, staring at him. She showed her teeth.
“Hey.”
“Hi. You ready to go?”
“Not yet,” she replied. She pressed her hand into his stomach and pushed him into the door behind him. Getting the idea, Tim pulled her back into the room and he propped her up on the sink counter. Her back was against the mirror and they kissed. She put his hand beneath her dress and she threw her arms around him, pulling him closer towards her. One arm around his neck and the other around his back. Their bodies touched. Tim slipped her hand into his pants and they continued to kiss and feel. “Shhh, let’s hide.” She backed off of him and hopped off the counter. They locked themselves into a stall.
“I always thought you were sexy,” Tim said, half speaking, half breathing.
“Is that all you thought?” she questioned. Her primal gaze focused on his lips and she grinded her teeth.
Tim began to unbuckle his pants. As Padma put her hand over his mouth, she said, “I got something for you. Close your eyes first.” She took out a knife and stuck it in his chest. She pushed it deeper inside him, letting blood gush out. His eyes shot open and he yelled through her hand. He looked down at the blood soaking through his clothes. She pounded the knife into his chest like bullets, pulling it in and out, then ripping it down south and back home. Padma laughed maniacally and threw her hair around, pressing his blood on her breasts. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Her eyes blinked spasmodically. Her jaw enlarged and the bones made cracking sounds. Her demonic mouth bore into his body, tearing off the flesh and hair, ripping out the veins, crushing his bone. The knife was tucked back in her bag, heart bits and all. She said bye to Le Sol and bye to Tim’s body, still in the stall, and headed to the third bar.
Last edited by alohajuice on Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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HOLLY COW!
This started off good and normal, then it just turned plain out weird. Just like a Dresden Cloak comic( you should search it up). I was shocked at what happened in the bathroom, then when Padma killed Tim. I guess there was some foreshadowing, when she said Tim was a cute one. My question is why would she kill him? Obviously she is crazy, but there has to be some reason behind it. My only hint of advice is that you make the part where they are being served,longer.
Good Halloween story! CardDragon.
[color=#FF0000]I AM SICK PHANTOM![/color]




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Um, wow, this was really weird.

1. What is Padma's motive in killing Tim?

2. All of your semicolons ( ; ) are used incorrectly.

3. Your dialogue needs help. Half the time we can't even tell who is talking. The punctuation surrounding the dialogue is also lacking.

Keep writing,
Lena
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CardDragon wrote:My question is why would she kill him? Obviously she is crazy, but there has to be some reason behind it. My only hint of advice is that you make the part where they are being served,longer.
Good Halloween story! CardDragon.

Thanks CardDragon. she killed him because I made her a demon, so she feeds on humans.
Lena.Wooldridge wrote:1. What is Padma's motive in killing Tim?

2. All of your semicolons ( ; ) are used incorrectly.

3. Your dialogue needs help. Half the time we can't even tell who is talking. The punctuation surrounding the dialogue is also lacking.

Keep writing,
Lena

Padma is a demon and I made Tim her meal. And i wrote this on Valentine's and I wanted it to be an anti-Valentine's story. I wrote this for those who dislike the holiday and just wanted to give them a little smile of understanding.
I understand the dialogue issue, but it would help if you told me how the semicolon use was wrong.




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There are two proper uses for a semicolon. The first one is as a "supercomma." This is the more complicated of the two, and is less used.

EXAMPLE: Rascal, the green dog, Babu, the purple rooster, and Peanut, the rainbow unicorn, ran through the park.

SHOULD BE: Rascal, the green dog; Babu, the purple rooster; and Peanut, the rainbow unicorn; ran through the park.

This rarely occurs when writing novels, and if you feel like you need to use a super comma, then you should probably rephrase the entire sentence/paragraph/chapter because you are introducing too many things too quickly.


Normally, the semicolon is used to connect two independent clauses. So each side of the semicolon must be a full sentence. A few sentence must have two things: a subject and a predicate (verb). If either clause lacks either of those, then the semicolon must be replaced by a regular colon or a comma (usually a comma).

Now let's look at your use of semi colons.

Tim was a regular at her chocolate shop; either buying treats for himself or for the ladies in his family.


"Either buying treats for himself of for the ladies in his family" is not only somewhat creepy (who calls the women in their family ladies?!) but it is also not a full sentence, and therefore a semicolon is incorrect there. This sentence is really weird in general, but I think that the semicolon should be replaced by a comma.


“Hello my name is Kathleen and I am your waitress for today; and happy St. Valentine’s Day.”


Another rule of semicolons is that they cannot connect to a clause that starts with a conjunction (ie and, but, or, etc). In this case, the semicolon should be replaced by a period, and the "and" should just be removed.


...their shared dessert; A melted vodka chocolate heart cake.


"a melted vodka chocolate heart cake" is not a complete sentence; it lacks a predicate. The semicolon in this should be replaced with a regular colon.



And with the whole demon thing... I just felt that it was so incredibly sudden, and poorly explained, that it virtually destroyed the piece. It made it incredibly unrealistic. Throughout the story, Padma talks of how "great of a guy" Tim is, even though she's planning on killing him in the end?! Makes no sense. You should have alluded to it earlier in the piece.
stay gold, ponyboy




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Lena.Wooldridge wrote:
"Either buying treats for himself or for the ladies in his family" is not only somewhat creepy (who calls the women in their family ladies?!) but it is also not a full sentence, and therefore a semicolon is incorrect there. This sentence is really weird in general.


Hmmm. I don't see anything wrong with it, family members (that I know) get each other gifts all the time.


And with the whole demon thing... I just felt that it was so incredibly sudden, and poorly explained, that it virtually destroyed the piece. It made it incredibly unrealistic. Throughout the story, Padma talks of how "great of a guy" Tim is, even though she's planning on killing him in the end?! Makes no sense. You should have alluded to it earlier in the piece.

I think the idea would be clearer if I added more foreshadowing details. But that wasn't the point of this piece. I wanted the audience to have no idea what was going to happen and I had no intention in writing a love story. That's what I first thought when I started to write this. If that's what you were looking for, it was not intended to be here. I also wanted the audience to ask, "why?" as in why did she kill him, because what happened was quite unexpected and not romantic.

It seems like this kind of piece isn't your cup of tea, but thanks for your two cents. It got me thinking of ways to polish Padma's character. and thanks for the ; review




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Sorry for the overwhelming negativity of my review.
stay gold, ponyboy




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Do not change it with foreshadowing, the story took me by storm. It is my favorite story!
[color=#FF0000]I AM SICK PHANTOM![/color]



Remember the rain that made your corn grow.
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