A Step Farther

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Decided to try out prose a bit. Here goes nothing.
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"Looks like you're havin' a hard mornin', Tommy. Not even one of your frilly drinks could pretty up that face." The old bus driver, Sam, looked greasy as usual with white hair that suck up in odd places and an eye that was perpetually squinting. Thomas said nothing and dragged himself to a remote corner of the bus, not bothering to let go of his briefcase before he crumpled into the seat. The only thing keeping him awake was the rude jostling that came with public transportation. He couldn't ever be certain but Old Sam seemed to hit every divot in the pavement for his own amusement and the irritation of passengers. This, combined with the musty smell and oldies playing on the radio caused Thomas to lash out. He opened his bleary eyes and found what he was looking for, a victim.

There she was, legs spilling over the seat in front of her, white tank top, generous cleavage, red bra, and a faux black leather skirt. ''Probably coming home from a late night 'job'.'' He muttered under his breath, continuing his lust-inspired rant until he'd made a complete comparison between her and Snooki. While normally this would have been enough to quell his self-pity, he took it one step farther then he would have allowed himself on any other morning.
"Put some clothes on."

She looked over, eyes heavy with black eyeliner. There was something there that he'd never expected. Hurt.
Struck and blinking back the shadow of exhaustion he scrambled for some rational thought in his mind, but all that came to him was: Since when do skanks have feelings?

The bus stammered to a stop, Old Sam unaware of what had happened scratched absently at his back. Apparently, this was her stop. She looked him over like she was disappointed and stuck a pair of head phones in her ears. Was it possible someone like her was blocking Thomas out? As she swept past him he could smell the bar on 6th Street, but what he heard, that surprised him. It was not a fast string of profanities coming from her blaring IPod, but the sweet notes of Bach he knew so well. Hips churning the air around her she stepped off, short skirt slouching just enough to see a bright red thong.
Last edited by KatTrain on Mon Oct 18, 2010 5:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....




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Haha! I love it! :D

One thing that I would kind of like... what kind of person is he? I'm guessing he is a musician snob... because hey! Musician snobs are awesome like that! And more description would be lovely too... really flesh this out! It's wonderful, but I am sure that you can make it tons more kinds of wonderful!

Also... this story kind of reminds me of Paul Blackburn's poem, "The Once-Over." Check out that poem, if you haven't read it already. :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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I just checked out that poem. It's horrifyingly similar actually. I'm glad I hadn't read it before.
Oh and, currently this piece if for 16+, Is that appropriate or could it be lowered to 12+?
Just trying to get a feel for ratings here.
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....




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Hi!

So, like Snoink said, this could use a little more fleshing out. Adding some more descriptive and thought-based meat to these bones will help a lot with pacing and will also help with another problem I found: this seems a bit... unfinished. Probably because we know so little about the situation.

Why is he in a bad mood? Why was he so tired? We know he likes Bach and frilly drinks, but what else? What's his job? Does he like it, and if he does/doesn't, why/why not? We also know that he automatically assumes a woman dressed like that is a prostitute, and that he doesn't think those people have any feelings, but why? Is he really just that much of a snob, or is there a more deep seated reason? I also feel you could extend this, at least a little. Like, what happens afterwards? How does this affect him?

You don't necessarily have to answer all of this, but it will help us (the readers) connect to the character, and also make this piece feel complete, instead of cut off.

loveness, ultraviolet <2
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com



"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
— Albus Dumbledore