At the Louvre

Hello. I don't quite know how this works, but I have two versions of this poem. I was wondering which one people like better. I suppose getting the references isn't crucial for that, but here are some links if you want:

At the Louvre

He curls over my body and inspects my sin.
Oh baby don’t worry, I can fix you.
When we cut off your arms, you can be Venus de Milo;
When your eyebrows are gone, the Mona Lisa.
We’ll paint your breasts with oil.
You can be Goya’s Maja.
Then I’ll light you on fire like John Of Arch
And throw you ashes into the French sky with the stars.



When he cut off my arms, I was Venus de Milo;
when my eyebrows were gone, the Mona Lisa.
He painted my breasts with oil.
I was Goya’s Maja.
Then he lit me on fire like Joan of Arc
and threw my ashes into the French sky with the stars.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_maja_desnuda
http://www.artnewsblog.com/famous-paint ... /index.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lourve
http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/top ... us-de-Milo
http://www.distinguishedwomen.com/biogr ... anarc.html

I liked the first poem better than the second. I think it had a more poetic feel about it. My only question is why do you write "we" sometimes?

When we cut off your arms, you can be Venus de Milo;

But other times it's one person. Otherwise, It's great, artistic

The first poem was the most impressive. Though I think the second has the most potential. It'd be cool if your wrote about how the subject felt about loosing her arms and eye brows or felt about being forever in the museum.

The first one is waaaaay cooler than the second one because it has more personality in it. Mind you, towards the end of it, it kind of felt like a grocery list of sorts, since it seemed like you were just trying to evoke impressive imagery for the sake of evoking impressive imagery. But, the fact that a guy would say that is just awesomely wicked.

Also, the first one has a typo. Joan is not an arch.

Whik110 wrote:At the Louvre

He curls over my body and inspects my sin.
Oh baby don’t worry, I can fix you.
When we cut off your arms, you can be Venus de Milo;
When your eyebrows are gone, the Mona Lisa.
We’ll paint your breasts with oil.
You can be Goya’s Maja.
Then I’ll light you on fire like John Of Arch
And throw you ashes into the French sky with the stars.

Language check: aside from the "Arch" Snoink mentioned, the "you" in Line 8 should be "your".

Love it! I agree with Snoink, this one's better. I like the paradox, how, by being a few body parts less (or even by ceasing to be a body!), the woman can be so much more. To me the poem gives an artistic touch to the familiar Biblical passage (if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out, etc.). The "paint your breasts" image is out of place because it doesn't involve losing body parts. The feminists will probably cringe at this reading though. Haha.

The first, third, fifth, and last two lines hint at something erotic ("curls over my body"; "cut off your arms," which might mean tying them during copulation; paint your breasts with oil [wet and slippery. what does this remind you of? ]; finally, "light [which should be "set"] you on fire"), leading us to an erotic reading. This one is more exciting. The setting of the poem and the nature of the conversation show how urgent the desire is. In this case the Mona Lisa image is out of place, because eyebrows (or lack of eyebrows) aren't exactly arousing.

Still, great poem! Very artistic. Keep it up!

Despite the typo that Snoink pointed out, Poem #1 is so much better than Poem #2. I like the use of the italics, the way you had this 'artist' telling you what he was going to do with you, instead of you describing what he did in Poem #2. Poem #1 seems to flow better and much easier than Poem #2, so it's definitely the poem that your readers will be more drawn to.

Adieu,
Jane

Hello! I love this. It has a lot of imagery and the message is subtle and artistic. I, personally, enjoyed the first one better than the second. First one was more poetic and had a nice flow. Whereas the second was almost just listing. Althought, the first line was a bit confusing. But besides that I loved it. It paints a interesting picture. Loved it!
~Ballerina

Whik110 wrote:He curls over my body and inspects my sin.
Oh baby don’t worry, I can fix you.
When we cut off your arms, you can be Venus de Milo;
When your eyebrows are gone, the Mona Lisa.
We’ll paint your breasts with oil.
You can be Goya’s Maja.
Then I’ll light you on fire like John Of Arch
And throw you ashes into the French sky with the stars.



When he cut off my arms, I was Venus de Milo;
when my eyebrows were gone, the Mona Lisa.
He painted my breasts with oil.
I was Goya’s Maja.
Then he lit me on fire like Joan of Arc
and threw my ashes into the French sky with the stars.

WOW. This is just simply so beautiful. Your ending to this is like SHAZAM! This is just so beautiful. I'm suprised I'm not crying (: but yeah, it's pretty awesome. You couldn't have done better.

AMAZING JOB!
-Soggy