Shattered Pieces: Prologue (EDITED!!!)

Shattered Pieces
Prologue


The dark brass bells rang and clung, projecting their sorrowful sound across the grounds and into the dull sky. A soft sigh left her lips as she watched the sullen looking crowd slowly weave their way towards the large building that stood to the south of the main house. The sounds of their shuffling feet, fluttering scarves, and whipping coats were engulfed by the dejected toll coming from the bell tower. She paused, ignoring the comments from people attempting to walk pass her. She took deep calming breaths trying to muster up the strength to continue walking down the path. Dreary snow started to cascade from the heavens and added a grey curtain over the horizon

She gently rubbed her cold nose as her emerald eyes glanced up at the bland grey sky. White, hot puffs of air floated upward and gradually disappeared. She slowly tucked one of her curly locks behind her ear and hugged her jacket snug around her in an attempt to shield herself from the bitter cold and lingering loneliness. A fading memory started to paint its way across the sky, adding a small splash of color. When she blinked, the bright lively colors were replaced by the bleak tint once again. She felt her heart clench and her breathing suddenly spiked as she started to feel lost in the large black sea that surround her. None of the monotonous faces of people glanced her way as she felt her knees start to give out.

She tightly closed her eyes trying to fight back tears that started to water at the edge and threatened to spill over. Feeling two warm arms slowly wrap around her, she softly gasped and quickly looked up. Her breath was caught in the back of her throat as she gazed into his warm chocolate orbs. She watched his mouth open and move but she did not hear the words that escaped his lips. Her eyes grew wide in shock and she felt the eruption of tears start to stream down her frozen cheeks. She fell into his chest and hid her face from the world into his jacket. She felt numb and her body tingled with distress. She did not feel his arms hold onto her tighter, or the soft kiss that was placed on the top of her soft bright golden hair.

After a few moments, her sobs slowly turned to sniffles and hiccups. She did not speak a word to him as he slowly started to walk them both towards the crowded building. She barely heard his encouraging whispers as he supported. She idly followed the motions of walking; still not fully apprehending what was about to happen. She attempted to push aside the dark feelings and thoughts that consumed her being.

When they finally reached the two large wooden doors that lead inside the large banquet hall, the cold static face of the man that threw her calm world into a fast whirlpool floated above the arched entrance. Something inside her snapped. She felt the tiny pieces shatter and she felt strong, she had a purpose. She stood farther away from him wiping her tear-stained cheeks and held her head high as she entered. She clenched her jaw when all her senses returned, hearing the whispers as she slowly made her way to the front of the mass of people. She felt the courage drown away the moment her eyes focused on the cherry wood casket surrounded by white roses. She felt a warm hand slip into hers and lock its fingers around her smaller ones. She took the courage and slowly ambled to the large, painted picture pausing to look into the eyes and face that mirrored her own.

Don’t worry Misa, nothing will go wrong, echoed the last words her sister spoke in her mind and her bell-like laugh lingered in the hall. The hand in hers tightened its grip and she felt his hot breath against her ear, snapping her out of whispers that haunted her.

“We will get revenge for this. His time will come,” his deep, soothing voice whispered confidently. All Misa was able to do was slowly nod her head in agreement and squeeze his hand as they both took front seats waiting for the service to begin.

Hey there Rain,

I'm Tanya, here for a review *waves*

The dark brass bells rang and clung projecting their sorrowful sound across the grounds and into the blank dull sky.

There should be a comma between 'clung' and 'projecting' for a natural pause in the sentence.

She gently rubbed her cold nose as her sad emerald eyes glanced up at the bland grey sky. White, hot puffs of air floated upward and gradually disappeared. She slowly tucked one of her curly locks behind her ear and hugged her jacket snug around her in an attempt to shield herself from the bitter cold and lingering loneliness. She felt her heart clench and her breathing suddenly spiked as she started to feel lost in the large black sea that surround her. None of the monotonous faces from the waves of people glanced her way as she felt her knees start to give out

First of all, I love the imagery of this paragraph. I don't know if you've heard of using the five senses while your describing but you use them wonderfully. I can feel the bitter air, and her curly hair, and the soft breath escaping her lips. Nicely done.
That being said, I would like to know why suddenly she feels lost. Why now, while we are reading? Maybe give us a reason. Maybe say that she tried to catch someone's eyes in particular and that last straw have her wallowing in despair or something. Makes sense?

Ok, that was it for the nitpicks. Rain, this was a beautiful piece. You obviously have an excellent grip on your writing talent. I found myself both intrigued by what was happening and confused by what we did not know. Where did he take her? You describe everything so well, why not this? What had she been waiting for? Him? If yes, why does she care that no one was paying attention to her? And who is he? Why did she trust him so implicitely?

Like I said. There's much you could have added here to help keep your reader un-confused. This is a short chapter and you can afford to add a little length to it. This felt more like a prologue to me, not a first chapter, because why would you surround your first chapter with such mystery?

I hope what I say is making sense, but if it isn't, send me a PM and I'll go about explaining it differently. Would you PM me when the next chapter is out? I'd really love to see what you do with it!

Tanya

Heya Storm,

This was a brilliant piece. You describe beautifully, better then anything I've read so far on YWS. You have talent. But, like borntobe said, you have room to make things a bit more clear. For a first chapter the reader is thinking of to many questions and to be honest it's a bit mysterious for a prologue to. Just add a few more sentances that give the reader a better grasp on what is going on.

Also, I have to point this out:

The dark brass bells rang and clung projecting their sorrowful sound across the grounds and into the blank dull sky.

This is a wonderful opening sentance but I found that it doesn't flow all that well. Keep the structure, just change the words to ones that flow better.

Please keep with whatever idea you have for this story and PM me if you need anything!

X BlackRose X

Hey Rain,

Great job editing. I have a few nitpicks!

The sound of the their shuffling feet, fluttering scarves, and whipping coats were engulfed by the massive dejected toll coming from the bell tower

The 'the' is too much in the bold part of the sentence.

echoed the last words her sister spoke in her mind and her bell like laugh lingered in the hall.

should be 'bell-like'.

Well, turns out that that's it for the nitpicks! haha. Well, the fact that you changed the title from chapter to prologue made a world of difference. It's a good prologue. I know that many reviewers here aren't keen on them, but I am if they are pertinent to the story and I feel that this one is.

Great job on editing and I can't wait to read the next chapter!
Tanya

Hiii Rain!

Sooo, lovely little prologue you've got here. it's great, very intriguing. And I see most people here have said how much they've loved your description. I'm going to put myself in the firing line here and say that perhaps at times it was a little too much. Like pretty ivy that has grown beyond control and chokes the house beneath it. Quite a few things I had to hack away until I could see what was actually happening.

Yes, your description is very beautiful. It is, really! But it's something that needs to be read at least three times before you understand what is happening behind it. Now, I don't know about you, but in the middle of a story I want to be boom! next part, please not oh, one moment. I've just need to check that bit out again to confirm that was happening... and yes, it was. Now let's go to the next part. Be ruthless with your description. The less said the more of an impact it has!

I've nicked two examples from writing guide called Writers Bureau.

1) He looked sadly on the tragic scene, pity welling in him for the beautiful, forlorn young maiden, stretched pale and lifeless on the cold, windswept shore.

2) He looked down with pity at the pale girl stretched lifeless on the sand at his feet.

Number one has far more adjectives than number two and drags on for too long. The reader is battered with imagery, either leading to confusion or boredom. The second is short and simple and hits you right away. It also speeds up the pace. Now, I don't know if this was just me or not, but the length of your sentences seemed to make the prologue seem quite still.

I would suggest being ruthless with your sentences. Many writers advise stripping down sentences to as much as you can get away with, then you can go back and sprinkle the odd adjective here and there. Personally, I felt smothered by all the words, and yes, I know I sound three years old. What I'm saying is, there's so much to picture I'm focusing far more on your word choices than the overall image you are trying to paint. Which, obviously, isn't a good thing...

Ha, I did actually quite enjoy the ending of this. I think that was very nicely done. Although it did take me all the way to the dialogue to realise they were at a funeral... I like the idea of retribution, or the revelation of the events leading up to it. I'd love to see the next bit.

I hope I helped...?

~EmmaJane~

I loved the way you wrote this. The way you made us wait to see where they were or what was happening. It added suspense to the story.
I truly enjoyed reading this and I would greatly appreciate it if you could possibly post a chapter of this.
I'm not one to criticize or point out mistakes because everyone makes them.
Don't be bothered by any mistakes. It was a very beautiful piece and any mistakes were so slight, most would not have picked them up, but us writers have good eyes.
Best wishes,