Drizzle

Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the beginning of my story that I wrote last November for NaNoWriMo. That means it was kind of rushed and not properly thought through. It has no title, but rather than call it "untitled" I just picked a random word out and called it that. I had a little trouble in places, but had to rush and leave them as they were. Now I'm looking back through it all, I'm finding them again, but having trouble fixing them. Anyway, I figured I'd better post seeing as I haven't posted a story for ages. Plus it'd be good to get some help with those trouble spots.

******

Ernest wished he didn’t have to come down this street. It wasn’t that it was particularly dangerous, but the feel of emptiness and that flickering street lamp gave him the jitters. Especially that flickering street lamp.

At night it was worse. Through a fine spray of rain the dilapidated three-story apartment buildings loomed, boarded up windows and doors making them look dead and forgotten.

Only one door was not boarded up. They said the only inhabitant of the street lived there, the man who had bought all the other buildings when everyone else moved out and the price plummeted. They said he had a little girl with him. Not his daughter, but a niece of a dead brother. They said the solitude had affected the girl, and she saw things that weren’t there.

No one really knew where this mysterious ‘they’ had got their information, but walking down the deserted Juniper Street, Ernest had to agree it sounded plausible. He was certain living here would do things to him … he wouldn’t even be walking down it at all if it weren’t for the road works on White Street.

Ernest continued to walk quickly and gingerly down Juniper Street, trying to get the ordeal over and done with. He passed under the eerie flickering street lamp and the one un-boarded door at a jog. He couldn’t help feeling watched, and even though he knew all to well there was no one to watch him, he preferred to stay in the shadows.

A dark shape he hadn’t noticed leaning against a wall shifted like someone would if they had been standing in the same place for hours. Ernest’s nerves, already stretched tight, snapped and he felt himself instinctively duck into the doorway he was passing.

Silly, he told himself. There’s nothing to worry about, people lurk in deserted streets late at night for perfectly legal and moral reasons all the time …

He stopped that thought before it brought out the statistics.

Ernest never knew what made him look up at that moment. Probably the same thing that made the other person leaning against the wall look up when they should have been wondering about the man who had practically bumped into them and then leapt conspicuously into the shadows.

Whether luck had singled him out and praised him, Ernest didn’t know. All he knew was that a small shape, barely visible against the night sky, floated out a gap in a boarded up window and fluttered across the sky.

The other person gasped and stepped out into the middle of the street for a better look. Wearing that dark, shapeless coat, the person could be male of female, but the long golden hair catching the neon light’s cold glow left things beyond a doubt.
The small bobbing shape in the sky saw her too. It paused, then slowly floated down until it hovered at the edge of the pool of light, apparently unbothered by the light rain.

It was … human. No, almost human. Humanoid, certainly … what human was that small? What human flew with pale gauzy wings?

Was this a … fairy?

Exactly what did they say that little girl ‘saw’? Ernest’s brain, which somehow didn’t shut down with awe, spoke in the sinister voice of reality.

It was not a reality he wanted to hear. He didn’t want this to be reality at all.

It wasn’t very fairish really. It looked like the fairies found in books, but it wasn’t wearing clothes made of flowers and stitched with spider webs collected at dawn like the ones in books. It was wearing human clothes, miniaturised. It even had a doll-sized beanie covering its damp hair.

The woman took a tentative step towards the fairy, until they were practically face-to-face.

‘Do you … know Frank?’ she whispered.

The fairy studied the woman’s face with extremely cold little eyes.

‘Yes.’

The whisper came as a soft breath of spring. It was new life, the wind rustling new plant growth, the scent and colour of flowers in one quiet syllable.

‘Only,’ the woman said, lowering her voice even more forcing Ernest to crane strain to hear, ‘he told me he would greet me personally, not send a fairy.’

She’s not surprised to see a real live fairy, said Ernest’s brain.

He really wished it would stop having all these thoughts that complicated things.

The fairy remained silent for a moment. Then a zephyr bringing the hint of flowers …

‘I’m afraid circumstances have made it impossible he should see you just now.’

There was a brief change in the rhythm the fairy’s wings were beating. Before Ernest could even blink it had tucked a hand into its shirt and withdrawn a hand full of something sparkly that it immediately tossed over the woman. Then, like a streak of lightning, it sped off into the sky.

‘Hey,’ murmmered the woman, confused. She coughed. ‘You n-need to l-l-let me in –‘ she trailed off into a fit of coughing and wheezing.

Ernest watched, the awe of seeing the fairy replaced by shocked horror as the woman doubled over, then knelt, then collapsed completely, all the time coughing so hard he expected her lungs to fly out of her mouth.

Then … she was still.

Very still.

Suddenly Ernest didn’t want to think about how still she was. He wanted to wake up with a hangover and put all this down to too many drinks. Carefully, checking the sky for the horrible fairy, he stepped towards the motionless figure.

She was too pale. There was also no pulse. He let her wrist fall to the uncaring bitumen.

Dead then.

She hadn’t been pretty. Her hair was nice, although probably dyed, but that was about all you could say for her. Her nose had been broken sometime in the past and had healed crooked, and her skin had the wrinkles of someone who spends too much time in the sun. There was a tiny drop of dark, almost black, blood at the corner of her mouth, indicating how hard she’d been coughing. She had probably been in her forties.

The light drizzle of rain became stronger, soaking the woman’s clothes, washing away the drop of blood and giving the woman the appearance she had drowned. Ernest hardly noticed the water seeping through his clothes and pattering on his face.

Instead he digested the fact someone had just died in front of him. And that he saw a fairy kill her. No one would believe that. That’d just get him a one-way ticket to a mental institution, if he was lucky.

Taking one last look at the still body, he turned and ran.

He didn’t stop until he was home.

****

*studies story* She died too quickly. Actually, I don't even know if you can die like that. Do you know?

Nice!

Exactly what did they say that little girl ‘saw’? Ernest’s brain, which somehow didn’t shut down with awe, spoke in the sinister voice of reality.

It was not a reality he wanted to hear. He didn’t want this to be reality at all.

What does his voice of reality say? Expand on that a little more.

The woman took a tentative step towards the fairy, until they were practically face-to-face.

I would have her lower her hood or something. I want her face described. You were right... she did die too fast. I want to know a few more physical characteristics about her before she drops off dead. If her face is pale and worried, and her voice is continually wavering, then I would believe you more. Add some details!

lowering her voice even more forcing Ernest to crane strain to hear,

Crane strain? Come on! It's aussie slang at it's best, but avoid slang in your stories. "Forcing Ernest to come closer" is perfectly fine.

And... quotation marks look like this: "

Not this: '

Change it please?

First of all -- yay, Nanowrimo! (You beat me to posting my Nanowrimo story.) More people should do this. (Nanowrimo, that is, although more people should probably post their stories as well.) Plus, the Nanowrimo forums are godly. Godly. Yes. Secondly: awesome start. I love the fragmented quality of the narration, especially the death sequence -- more on that later, though. Probably. Possibly.

...okay, critiquing time. (I'm not systematically working through the members of SPEW, I swear...) For both of our sakes, I hope it isn't nine pages.

If you have any questions, want me to clarify something, that sort of thing, tell me and I will.

It wasn’t that it was particularly dangerous, but the feel of emptiness and that flickering street lamp gave him the jitters.

The bolded phrase clutters up the sentence with entirely unnecessary words. If you cut it out, the sentence flow better, and if you decided to put in more description on, say, the street lamp, it won't be as awkward.

Especially that flickering street lamp.

Okay. If you were wondering why I mentioned description on the street lamp, here's why. If you're going to put "that" as the article for "street lamp" in this sentence, take "that" out of the first sentence. (With the first "that", the second one loses its impact.) And if you do take out the first "that", I'd suggest toying around with the sentence so that you can play off the street lamp when describing the rest of the street. Or just cut out the bit about "the emptiness" and work it into the description of the lamp light: "It wasn't particularly dangerous, but the lone flickering street lamp gave him the jitters..." Not a great sentence, but that's just an example.

At night it was worse. Through a fine spray of rain the dilapidated three-story apartment loomed,

Minor nitpick: there should be a comma after "rain".

boarded up windows and doors making them look dead and forgotten.

You've got this great idea of emphasizing/personifying the loneliness of the buildings, but the bolded phrase kind of kills the imagery. And it's good imagery, so killing = bad. Use it to the fullest extent. Rework the sentence so that you're still saying the buildings are "dead and forgotten", but without the making them look. If you need suggestions for that, I got 'em.

He was certain living here would do things to him … he wouldn’t even be walking down it at all if it weren’t for the road works on White Street.

Two things. The "even be" and "at all", which serve to reinforce the fact that he would definitely, certainly not be here if not for the road works, become redundant when paired. So, one or the other.

Secondly, "walk down it" is very unspecific, and confusing in a sentence with multiple nouns. Seems like the "it" refers to "things", which of course isn't what it's referring to. The simplest way to remedy this is by replacing "walking down it" by "here", although you would then be using here in the same sentence twice ... you could replace the first "here" with something a little bit more specific, which might flow a little bit better.

Ernest continued to walk quickly and gingerly down Juniper Street, trying to get the ordeal over and done with.

"Trying to get the ordeal over and done with" --- let the reader figure this out. I know I did. He's walking quickly down a badly-lit street; it's not hard to connect the dots. So the bolded phrase is kind of unnecessary.

Whether luck had singled him out and praised him, Ernest didn’t know.

The word "whether" means that there will be two or more options to choose from. "Whether it was [option 1] or [option 2], the banana would still be gone." So if you're going to use the word "whether", you need to put the second option in. The easiest way to do this is writing in, "Whether or not luck had singled him..." The "or not" bit is kind of a default option two.

floated out a gap in a boarded up window and fluttered across the sky.

First: "Floated out of a gap."

Secondly, when describing the windows, you've always used the phrase "boarded up". Variety spices up the story; I'd suggest using a few synonyms. Or, because I can't think of a synonym off the top of my head (and the god of all synonyms isn't helping), describe it in some alternate way that still essentially tells the reader that the windows are boarded up.

Wearing that dark, shapeless coat, the person could be male of female, but the long golden hair catching the neon light’s cold glow left things beyond a doubt.

The word "that" implies a sense of familiarity; either the reader or Earnest should have been introduced to "that" coat. Neither have been. Therefore, the correct article would be "a". ("Wearing a dark, shapeless coat ...")

Also, "...the person could have been male or female."

Ernest’s brain, which somehow didn’t shut down with awe, spoke in the sinister voice of reality.

When you say spoke in the sinister voice of reality, are you referring to, "Exactly what did they say that little girl ‘saw’"? If you are, I'd suggest italicizing the sentence (the mental thoughts, that is), for simpler reading. (Snoink also mentioned something about not being sure what the voice of reality was saying.) If you do decide to italicize this thought (or put it in quotations, or something to distinguish it as his mental thoughts), don't forget to do the same for all the rest of his mental thought process. And if you were referring to something completely differentw hen you wrote "sinister voice of reality", just ignore all this.

It looked like the fairies found in books,

Books don't have a unified view of fairies. Shakespeare's fairies (in Midsummer Night's Dream, anyway) are very different from the fairies found in fairytales or Peter Pan. Specify which books. (In this case, I assume you're referring to fairytales -- in which case, say that.)

It looked like the fairies found in books, but it wasn’t wearing clothes made of flowers and stitched with spider webs collected at dawn like the ones in books.

Repetition of "in books" makes the sentence look a little bit awkward. Suggestion? Break it into smaller sentences. (Also, if you specify which books the first time, you don't really have to worry about this.)

The fairy studied the woman’s face with extremely cold little eyes.

This begs to mind the question of (a) Ernest's position and (b) his eyesight. Would he be able to see both of their faces from his current position? Enough to see the fairy's eyes? Also, is he close enough to see her eyes, and tell if they're cold? It's raining and dark, and the two light sources are the crappy street light and the fairy itself. So even if he could see both of their faces, even if his eyesight was good enough to see her eyes (and tell the emotion reflected in them), would he be able to in this sort of atmosphere?

He really wished it would stop having all these thoughts that complicated things.

Incomplete sentence. There needs to be a verb for "thoughts". Or, alternately, you could condense it to "complicated thoughts", so the sentence reads: "He really wished it would stop having all these complicated thoughts." Your choice, of course.

There was a brief change in the rhythm the fairy’s wings were beating.

The sentence as such does not make sense. This is going to sound a little bit confusing, but the "The" after "rhythm" should be replaced with something like, "in which", because the way you have it right now is an incomplete sentence. (Or appears to be so, anyway.) Better yet, change it to something with fewer words cluttering the sentence, like, "There was a brief change in the rhythm of the fairy's wingbeat." Not quite like that, but you know what I mean.

Before Ernest could even blink it had tucked a hand into its shirt and withdrawn a hand full of something sparkly that it immediately tossed over the woman.

There should be a comma after "blink". Also, break this into smaller sentences; it's less confusing that way.

Then, like a streak of lightning, it sped off into the sky.

Clichéd similes lose their effect. We don't really get an impression of how fast or how lightning-like the fairy is, because the cliché is kind of overwhelming. So, possibly replace the cliché with something more effective. Clichés aren't always bad, but they shouldn't exist in description. (Unless maybe it's a first person narrative, but that's a whole 'nother story.)

to l-l-let me in –‘

Tiny tiny tiny nitpick here: that should be an end quotation mark.

Ernest watched, the awe of seeing the fairy replaced by shocked horror as the woman doubled over, then knelt, then collapsed completely, all the time coughing so hard he expected her lungs to fly out of her mouth.

Smaller sentences. Make us feel Ernest's horor -- the woman is dying, for godssakes. Smaller sentences = more individual focus on each sentence = greater dramatic flair = good. Very good.

She was too pale.

She wouldn't be "too pale" already. For this segment of the story, I'd suggest researching signs of death. It doesn't necessarily have to be extensive research; Wikipedia has tons of articles on Death, and even a series on the signs of death (there's a menu on the left side of the page that will allow you to browse through the other signs of death). Or, simpler yet, you can go to the Nanowrimo forums, which have an amazing section on Plot and Character Realism. If your answer isn't there, either ask one of the right experts (there's a sticky post with the total list of experts) or post your questions a new topic. They may be little things (how quickly a body would lose colour, what would result immediately after death, etc.), but accurate research pays off -- not only for you, your story, and the readers, but also for future stories.

There was also no pulse.

Cut the "also" -- it totally kills the fragmented quality of this paragraph (which is awesome, by the by).

He let her wrist fall to the uncaring bitumen.

The phrase "uncaring bitumen" has no impact because it's bitumen. It's not supposed to care. Therefore, the fact that it doesn't care that the woman is dead is kind of pointless. Is it cold, wet, hard? Use these things to describe the bitumen, instead. Give her death a sense of desolateness.

Dead then.

There should be a comma after "dead".

Her nose had been broken sometime in the past and had healed crooked

It should be, "Her nose had been broken sometime in the past and had healed crookedly."

Instead he digested the fact someone had just died in front of him.

There should be a comma after "instead", and it should be "the fact that someone had just died..."

Also, this is a very very factual sentence. Yes, someone died in front of him. That's big. How does he react? How does he feel? Confused, upset, scared? Trying to repress the memory already? Does he vomit? Describe his emotions, his actions. Someone died, and that impacts him. As a reader, I want to know how. Also, these details allow the readers to better relate to Ernest. He's human; he's got emotions and reactions. Tell us about them.

*studies story* She died too quickly. Actually, I don't even know if you can die like that. Do you know?

Well --- for simplicity's sake, I'd chalk up any anomalies in her death to magic. (No, you can't die that quickly by coughing. Or at least, not like that.) But, again, I hugely suggest going to the Nanowirmo forums, or researching this a bit more extensively. Your readers will appreciate the effort, and realism is good (and in some ways, more necessary in fantasy than in any other genre).

As for her quick death >> yes, it was quick. But the suddenness isn't the problem (that's actually kind of good), it's the fact that you rushed through the description of her death. The reader isn't really exposed to the horror of it, or the shock or the amazingness. So, yeah, go into a little bit more depth. Quick deaths aren't necessarily bad, but describing them properly is very important.

*deep breath* Okay, I'm done. Five pages, not so bad. Hope this helps.

Oh ... wait, one more thing that I completely didn't notice the first time.

Wearing that dark, shapeless coat, the person could be male of female, but the long golden hair catching the neon light’s cold glow left things beyond a doubt.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I have never ever ever, in the history of the universe, heard of a neon-light street lamp.

*stares* Yep. That helps.
I think you picked out every single tiny little sentence I couldn't get quite right, and thanks to you I think I can fix them now.
I really should have researched it more, I know I should have, but it was NaNoWriMo and I was trying to get at least 1667 words a day, and that bit wasn't even 1667 words. Then the next day I was working on the next bit, then the next bit ... so I never got around to it. I know the realism required for fantasy, it's tricky sometimes. Like when you need someone to die and you've never seen that happen before.

Books don't have a unified view of fairies. Shakespeare's fairies (in Midsummer Night's Dream, anyway) are very different from the fairies found in fairytales or Peter Pan. Specify which books. (In this case, I assume you're referring to fairytales -- in which case, say that.)

He he. I was reading through it before I posted, and I found that it referred to a book of fairy tales that Ernest read to his daughter, and I thought "Hang on, Ernest doesn't have a daughter in the rest of the story!" and rushed to change it. It's really funny finding the things you overlooked when writing.

First of all -- yay, Nanowrimo! (You beat me to posting my Nanowrimo story.) More people should do this. (Nanowrimo, that is, although more people should probably post their stories as well.)

YES!!! It is great! I'm doing in next year and the year after and forever! It's fun!

Thankyou Smaur!

Now, Snoink ...

Yes! That woman needs a bit more description, or at least distributed better. And that reality thing is mixed up. I don't even know what it meant anymore, I'll fix it.

And... quotation marks look like this: "

Not this: '

Change it please?

*does best smart alec grin* I told you I was certain I'd read books with ' instead of ", and guess what? Last night I check through books on my bookshelf and I think about half of my collection uses '. I think you should reread Harry Potter just a little more carefully ...

Crane strain? Come on! It's aussie slang at it's best, but avoid slang in your stories. "Forcing Ernest to come closer" is perfectly fine.

That wasn't slang, that was an accident. I think I was fiddling with the comupter thesaurus. Opps!

It's an American thing then. Our books are edited so that only old books have that two quotation marks. On a side note, Spanish does it really weird. It would look like - Yes.

That would be "Yes."

Or 'Yes.'

I was reading through it again, and these thoughts popped into my mind. Your most awkward sentence is this one: "Wearing that dark, shapeless coat, the person could be male of female, but the long golden hair catching the neon light’s cold glow left things beyond a doubt."

Shapeless already implies a lack of gender, so you don't need to say, "Well, it could be male or female." It's already implied. Instead, you can say "The figure was wearing a dark, shapeless coat, long golden hair peeping out of her coat." Actually... that sentence sucks. Don't change it to that. But you can play with that idea and hopefully make it less awkward.

And I disagree with Smaur. This sentence should be kept the way it was: "It wasn’t that it was particularly dangerous, but the feel of emptiness and that flickering street lamp gave him the jitters."

Why?

Because the "that it was" is a dialogue characteristic that people use to throw away an emotion, usually in favor of a more scientific outlook. It's really common and makes Ernest seem to be a more scientific guy and less prone to nonsense like fairies and the like.

Yep! Good luck.

Éloeré wrote:I know I should have, but it was NaNoWriMo and I was trying to get at least 1667 words a day, and that bit wasn't even 1667 words. Then the next day I was working on the next bit, then the next bit ... so I never got around to it.

Yeah, I know the feeling --- it was hard enough trying to stay on track every day (by Day 5 I was way below my wordcount), and checking up on tiny, mostly-irrelevant facts kind of sinks to the bottom of the priority list. Which is, of course, what the other eleven months of the year are here for.

Éloeré wrote:Thankyou Smaur!

You're welcome.

Also, Snoink >> I disagree with your disagreement. If you want the epic explanation as to why, I can give it to you. (For now, I remain too lazy.)

this is really cool, keep it up, i like the beginning. kinda creepy though

If you plan to right for (11-14) year olds don't change a thing , if it was more complicated i would have left it and went on to another story if it was too simple i would have left etc . It kept me reading cause i wanted to know about the the shadowy figure and then the fairy , good but maybe some talking

It was good, a few shaky places here and there, but over all it was good. It was interasting in a good way. I like your stories, so keep on writing. I really am hopeing for more. Thumbs up.

-- M.B.Author