College Essay (I think?)

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This is probably going to be my college essay. Please, PLEASE, tear it up completely and rip it to shreds. I need it to be as good as it can be, and I trust you guys to have input on things I would never be able to find. Also, do you think the topic is good enough for a college essay? I think it might be...but I really, REALLY need to get in to school, and I'm worried my essay will spell my doom and I won't be accepted. :/



The giant encyclopedia set and I stood at an impasse, the books daring me to open just one volume. I tried to resist by reminding myself of their substantial weight and potentially boring subjects. But no matter how well I avoided lifting one from their perch on the bookcase, I couldn’t stop wondering what the pages held.

One rainy day, I found myself running my tiny hand along the spines, curiosity starting to get the better of me. The faux-leather texture was almost captivating, giving me mental images of professors with white hair, reclining in ratty plaid chairs, doing what I imagined to be professor-esque things, like reading encyclopedia volumes. In that moment, I made my decision. I had to figure out what these books were hiding. I hefted one off the shelf. It was labeled with an "L," which I picked because of my own first initial. I dragged the book to the couch, got myself comfortable, and cracked it open.

I was met with the unique, scholarly scent of the pages, warm and inviting to me. I flipped through the book, my eight-year-old eyes scanning the topic names until I found one that piqued my interest. “Left-handedness,” it read. I smiled, looking at my own left hand, which had become smeared with graphite from writing a short story earlier.

I read the article, amazed at how much knowledge was stored in one place. I was enthralled. My eyes whipped across the lines, my mind devouring the information as if it had been starving for the past eight years. I had to stop occasionally to find my dictionary so I could know what “spatial ability” and “ambidexterity” meant. I found them, and kept reading, utterly transfixed by what I was reading.

My mom came into the living room to tell me that supper was ready, and found me perusing the article, muttering some of the more interesting parts aloud so I could remember them later. She was taken aback; the volumes were intended for the college-educated adult audience, but there I was, her daughter who was about to enter fourth grade, reading. “Honey, what are you doing?” she asked.

“Reading. Did you know that “sinister” is a Latin root word, and it means 'left?’” I asked, setting the book down and hopping from my perch on the couch.

“Yes. Are you okay with reading those books, dear? They have some pretty difficult words in there.”

“It’s pretty easy once you get the hang of it,” I explained while walking to the dining room, filled with excitement at my newfound knowledge.

After that day, I made it a regular habit to read an article or so a day. And after a week or two, I didn’t need to have my dictionary around anymore. Initially, I read only articles that applied to me, such as the one about the state where I spent my childhood, Maine, or my favorite foreign country, which was then England. As I grew older, I began to read other articles, the scientific and historic ones becoming my favorites.

To this day, I’m a curious person, seeking to always acquire more knowledge about the world around me. I often become distracted in daily life, because I’ll find an article on nuclear fusion or feudalism, and forget a little about my assignments. I’m glad to have this curiosity about the world around me, as I’m always learning, and I’m never bored.
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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Before I can review this and "tear it apart", please tell me the following: University you are applying to, College you would be a student in and the Major/s within it you are taking (Minor as well if you are doing them, remember undecided is fine too), the specific EXACT wording you were given for the prompt, and any other rules or tips or suggestions the University has provided to you (word count for example).

As of now, it's not clear what you're writing for. It is ABSOLUTELY imperative you write to the letter on exactly what you are supposed to do for these papers or you will not look good. When you've done that I can give you an accurate, honest assessment. For these reasons, you should NOT take the advice of anyone that hasn't been to college or is not in college at the moment. Getting there is an experience specific to those who have the initiative and drive, but also understand you can't be lazy or stupid. Also, there's a certain maturity gained from this process (hopefully) that comes with age. In other-words, expect a lengthy revision process here. ;)




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I'm applying to the University of Maine (it's my safety school), I'll be attending the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences and, if I'm accepted, the Honors College in conjunction with Lib. Arts, and I will be doing a Double Major in English and Computer Science, Undecided as a Minor. The prompt is exactly as follows:

"Please submit an essay on a subject of personal choice."

So, as you can see, the range is very, very wide and I personally had no idea what to do. The essay I've posted is something from my college essay unit in AP English, and it was the one that came out the best. I do expect a lengthy revision...I don't even know if the topic is okay. :/ (I wish the prompt was more restrictive.)
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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I forgot to ask the most important thing, dumb me, but when is this due? I'm going to work on a very concise and clear response for you that has considerable thought put into it, so I'll a few days.




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Oh, right. It's due December 15th.

Thank you very much! :D
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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No problem, anyone who seeks to go to college and is looking for help deserves it. Little things like this can tell people a lot about your character. ;)




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I wish I could help, but I'm not very good with essays. I've never read an essay like this before, 'coz it sounded more of short story--Mark Twain? :D

Anyway, I'm not helping, so I'll shut up now. God bless you with your essay, Spork! You were a such a curious young lady. Adorable! Haha...I wish I was a bit more like you. You're kinda like my little brother. Man! He loves sci-fi, and when I tried to read one of the books he was reading, I closed it without understanding what I just read. LOL
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not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


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Alright Sporkpunk, time for my input.

First thing first, a college essay is very similar essay to a resume in that it is an attempt to advertise yourself and make people buy into why they should accept you to their school. You need to sell yourself in a very strict format that expects you to make yourself sound self-motivated, well rounded, advantageous, easy to work with, and a very good student. Writing ability of course will be displayed in the essay itself.

As of right now, Spork, you are describing a particular experience and trying to show your interest in what you love, but you are being too creative. In the mind of a college entrance reviewer, you are being cutesy and cannot be taken seriously, because you are not thinking with an academic's mind. They want you to brag about yourself. What have you done? What did you do with your spare time? Did you do sports? Did you achieve anything? Did you have any jobs? What hardships have you had to overcome? It is wonderful to tie these into your major or degree of choice.

Most likely you will be cautioned, at least they ought to if they're decent and care about your well-being, that you will be overloading yourself with those majors. English is not an easy degree with a great deal of writing, while computer science, well...you know. ;)

I would advise talking about what brought your attention to these fields. You don't have be to direct. Being subtle shows off your ability to write. So, yes, redo what you have, BUT, keep the spirit of what you have. You just need to frame it in the right manner. Sorry I took a week to get back to you, but you have plenty of time to get this right. DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE LAST DAY. I would get this done before November if you can. Go to anyone you can in real life and get their advice, though make sure they can actually help and know what they're talking about.

Remember universities want you to impress them. Even if your GPA and SAT/ACT are high enough to get you in, along with the college's you're being accepted into by their requirements, an essay done poorly can ruin your chances. Essays are wonderful ways to tip lower GPA's and test scores to your favor, as well. Keep this all in mind, don't hesitate to message me and give updates! Good luck! :D
Last edited by MeanMrMustard on Tue Oct 19, 2010 5:50 am, edited 1 time in total.




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This is creative nonfiction, not a college application essay. This essay makes you sound like a little girl. However, when they admit you you will be a woman. You want to seem like an adult to them. So you're going to want to start afresh and rewrite this from the ground up.

That sounds harsh, but really... I've critiqued lots of these college applications for my friends, and in the essays they talk about all their achievements that they've done, they talk about hardships that they've faced and how they have overcome these hardships, against all odds. They talk about what their hopes are for the future and how they want to make a difference in the world -- and how going to [insert college here] will help them to do just that. I think my personal college essay was about how I stood up to being sexually harassed in the workplace, lol, but I've reviewed other applications that have to do with building houses, grand projects for church, battling immigration laws, etc. One of them even talked about how she wanted to become a doctor because she watched her mother die from cancer. So. That is who you are up against. Make your personal essay count.

You need to sell yourself. Mustard gave you tons of good advice, so you should follow his advice. However, if you really want to look good, you need to do some research. If you want to sell yourself, you need to look up your university very thoroughly. In particular, what is their mission statement? Also, for your majors... what are they looking for? And, why are you passionate about those particular majors? Let your enthusiasm show. Also, why are you a good fit for their university?

Put your best foot forward. While you can talk about the past, remember that you should keep your mind on the future with your essay.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Snoink wrote:However, if you really want to look good, you need to do some research. If you want to sell yourself, you need to look up your university very thoroughly. In particular, what is their mission statement? Also, for your majors... what are they looking for? And, why are you passionate about those particular majors? Let your enthusiasm show. Also, why are you a good fit for their university?

Put your best foot forward. While you can talk about the past, remember that you should keep your mind on the future with your essay.


This is so true. Very good suggestion here. Research like this shows them you are willing to take the time to do work and are analytical. Never take anything for granted with these! You must show each college entrance review board without a shadow of a doubt very clearly and concisely why they WANT YOU.

I hesitate to use this example because of the loaded meanings and because you should never say this unless you want to make people think you're odd (I really mean people will get mad at you): you're an investment of the university's resources. Yes they want your immediate money, BUT even more they see you as an investment with the potential of earning them recognition and possibly donations later on. They want to find those people. DO NOT LET THIS IDEA LEAVE THIS THREAD. It is very insidious in what it demeans of the role of universities, which should be education and instruction, but is not quite true. What you should take from this way of seeing the essay and the university is to make yourself attractive to what they have to offer and for them to bite at what you offer.




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Okay, guys, thanks very much for your input! I didn't really understand why my teacher emphasized more narrative essays as college essays, because I was originally thinking what you all were---you know, "selling" yourself. So, I am going to rework my essay completely, and I would really appreciate it if you could give me some feedback next time. :D

Also...I see what you said others are writing about, and I'm kind of out of ideas. Nothing really grand has happened to me, and I haven't really been able to do anything outside of school until high school, and none of my activities have anything to do with my majors. :S Hm. I'll do some brainstorming or something to see if I can come up with something. :D
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SporkPunk wrote:Okay, guys, thanks very much for your input! I didn't really understand why my teacher emphasized more narrative essays as college essays, because I was originally thinking what you all were---you know, "selling" yourself. So, I am going to rework my essay completely, and I would really appreciate it if you could give me some feedback next time. :D


Oh wow. That teacher is seriously misleading you. If the University has given a sample essay, or if you could find one from them, that could help as well. Generally it's a very stable, vanilla format that has very rigid bounds to what you can and can't do. I'll be ready when you post your next version.

Don't worry about not feeling you have something mind-blowing to send. If needed, I'll let you see one of mine. They're not amazing, but they did the job.




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Also...I see what you said others are writing about, and I'm kind of out of ideas. Nothing really grand has happened to me, and I haven't really been able to do anything outside of school until high school, and none of my activities have anything to do with my majors. :S


I felt the same way, lol. What I did was I looked through my old blogs, talked with a bunch of people that knew me very well, and talked with my parents to remind me of things that I had done before, but didn't really think were significant. If anything, you can talk about your hopes and dreams for the future and what brought you to those dreams in the first place. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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As others have said, this is much too narrative in nature, and that the main focus should be selling yourself.
One major problem that I encountered when writing college letters was information vs. creativity. I had difficulty writing a paper that both reflected who I was and was still entertaining to read. My teacher brought up a point (not about college essays, but essays in general, however it applies here as well) that it's more important to know what you're talking about and to get it all in than to sound great. Creativity is a bonus, and you should DEFINITELY try to be creative, but your main goal with a paper like this should be to inform.

Someone else suggested looking up the college's mission statement, and that's a great place to start. To use myself again as an example (let's face it, I know me best and I know what worked for me), I tried to weave that in as much as possible to the paper. For example, one school that I applied to really focused on internationality. So in the letter to that school, I wrote more about how my family is really European, how I speak German, and how I want to study abroad. However another school that I applied to had a focus of community and sociability, so for their paper I talked about how I work well in a group and how I would like to join various clubs in college.

The most important thing is to be true to yourself. Don't give yourself attributes that you don't have. You'll feel guilty and the college will be able to tell if you're BSing. That being said, play to your strengths. Even something that you don't necessarily think is amazing (like if you're really good at drawing puppies) might be something that the college finds fascinating. Put it in! Just remember not to go crazy.

Good luck!
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Thanks for the advice, everyone. I posted another essay. If you guys had the free time, I'd really appreciate the comments. Thank you again!

Leslie/Spork
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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And on the pedestal these words appear:/'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings;/Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'/Nothing beside remains.
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