The Masquerader Chap. 2

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Spoiler
Maliel is a country that has been taken over by the growing Durtianian Empire. The Masquerader is a masked vigilante that attacks the Durtanian army. A rebel group plans action but has yet to acutally do anything. Camden Bartolv was arrested at on of the secret meetings because there was a spy in their midst.

Did you read Part Two of Chapter One or The Prologue?
Want to read Chapter Three?


The room was dark with the noon sun struggling through the stained glass windows, painting the floor with reds and blues. Three chairs carved with immense attention to detail and made of a dark, almost black wood, colored with the greens and yellows of the window on a platform with one looming above the others. That one was laden with a thin, white haired man staring through his spectacles, down his nose, outlined by the dyed light. Cold, white marble spread out in a plain underneath the shadows of the chairs and held a single man chained, to the place he stood. Light streaming on him as a purple spotlight from the circular window above.
“Camden Bartolv, do you admit to being guilty of treason?” The nasally voice echoed around as the chamber had been designed.
Camden glared at the white haired man and strained against his shackles. “You caught me in the act, man. Why waste your time with this?” His voice was much more impressive with honor and pride behind his words and seemed to shake the very walls.
Sniffing regally, the man replied, “We are a fair government. We will give you a trial if you so wish.”
A scoff came from the back of the room. “Leave it my advisers to lie like the dogs they are. I would just admit to your crime, Bartolv. They make the last decision, and, lucky you, they all hate your guts.” This voice was the object of someone who knew how to use it to her advantage. She sounded powerful and wondrous. Her cold, mocking voice held the note of royalty.
“Queen,” the adviser replied tersely, “I didn't know you were aware of this ceremony.”
Ranael walked forward and sat beside her adviser in one of the two vacant chairs on either side of him. “How could I miss the death sentence of the man who would rather face the devil than me?” She smiled pleasantly as her eyes flashed, and she studied the prisoner with a seriousness that belayed her fake smile. “Why don't you just hang him here, Coron? Why prolong his death?”
“You witch! Do you realize what you're doing to your people? While you sit in a throne of gold and furs they waste away in rags and grime!” Camden shouted in a fear he would never admit as much as true disgust. “You're worse than your father. At least he actually ruled.” He bit off a disdainful laugh, openly challenging her.
She raised an eyebrow coolly and waved toward Coron. “Please continue. I don't wish to trade insults with the swine.”
The adviser rolled his eyes and muttered between gritted teeth, “I must remind you that none of your advisers need your permission to do whatever they wish.”
Pleased by the annoyance emanating off of the man beside her, she nodded. “Of course. You hold all of the power. I am just the quiet puppet queen going back to her place with a slap on the wrist.”
Sighing, Coron began again, “Do you plead guilty, Camden Bartolv?”
“Happily,” the prisoner answered with venom. He did not however look at the adviser but the suddenly silent royalty in her rather modest, plain, brown dress.
Ranael chewed on her bottom lip and frowned. No longer was she queen but princess, sitting beside her father instead of one of the Terribles, her advisers.

“Bartolv, what do you plead to the charge of treason and treachery of the country of Maliel?” her father boomed in all of his glory, the glory he had taught her to wield.
The peasant standing below them, shackled and dirty with the grime of the dungeon, highlighted with the heavenly light, released an angry bark of laughter. His flaming green eyes, bright with hatred, cut into the king. “Must you ask? Do you think I believe you will give my fair trial? Kill me now, scum. Don't prolong my death. I am a traitor to the royal family of Lalreor. I admit it with pride. I dare you to catch the other men in my party.”
He smiled wolfishly and turned his gaze to Ranael. He studied her with eyes that quickly cooled at the sight of her until she squirmed. Finally he said quietly, gently, “My son finds you repulsive. He's about your age, maybe two years older. I try to explain to him. I try to explain that you are no more than a girl and know no better than what you have lived, but he despises you. I would watch out when he comes of age, and you take the throne. He'll have more than just the injustice of his people to fuel his hatred. He'll have the need for revenge as well.” He frowned. “I wish I could tell him you were different.”

Ranael glanced up from her hands resting on her lap to Camden who was a reflection of his father with similar dusty brown hair and identical light green eyes that burned with the same proud rage. For a moment she felt doubt jump upon her, and she wondered if the Masquerader could save the most important man of Maliel, the last chance for her people.
“Firing squad, it is then.”
Ranael looked at Coron suddenly and shook her head. “Hanging.”
She had no chance against a firing squad, but she could save him from a rope.
She smirked at Camden and saw his father in his eyes like a ghost haunting her every movement. “Like father like son.” she laughed mockingly and turned toward the Terrible. “Did you know his father's execution was the first hanging I went to?”
Camden lunged toward her and fought against the chains. “You killed my father,” he grunted.
“Oh, no. Nothing of the sort. I didn't even condemn him to death. I just watched.” She smiled maliciously and again focused on her adviser. “Does a hanging please you, Coron?”
His lips were pressed into a thin, white line. “I worry of him. With guns there is no chance of rescue.”
“Than keep a squad there but let the prisoner swing.” She rose quickly and asked breezily, “May I go tell the soldiers to prepare for a hanging? I fear we may have to rebuild the gallows. Ours have fallen into some disrepair.”
The Terrible frowned slightly and finally nodded his consent. “I suppose a hanging will be fine... I shall tell the army though.” He descended the stairs and called, “Guards! Take the prisoner away. Prepare him for execution at dawn.” He left the room with the despised, dignified walk of Duritanians everywhere.
Ranael dawdled where she was and studied Camden's actions. Glancing at the two guards, she slowly formed a plan for dawn.
Camden, unaware of the queen's presence, fell limp in his keepers' arms and let them drag him to the dungeons. He found no hope in his situation. The people of Maliel would fall before they could even rise from the rubble the Empire had left in its wake.

The cool air of early morning left goosebumps on Camden's exposed forearms, and he stood without any of the fear he felt writhing inside him reflected upon his face. He glanced up at the balcony that held the queen and her ladies only to find it empty and smiled sardonically. With all of the bravado of yesterday, she couldn't watch his hanging. All humor soon faded, and he pressed his hands against his legs so they would stop shaking. He whispered a prayer his mother had recited before her death and closed his eyes against the rising sun that mocked him with the beautiful pinks and purples it painted across the sky.
Unbidden, another whispered plea came to his mind, another execution...

The king stood humble and strong. He had enough courage to raise his head a meet the gaze of all his hostile, former subjects as his two children stood, silently crying behind soldiers. He purposely avoided looking at the crumpled corpse of his wife, still leaking blood onto the gray stone of the square.
The sun was setting and a cool, summer's breeze lifted his hair from his brow, wet with perspiration. The first stars were blinking on as an old era was destroyed and closed.
Camden stood in the front row hungrily awaiting the death of the man who had caused the death of his father. His mind was fogged with alcohol, but he felt an odd clarity at the reality of the situation. He stayed silent as the rest of the crowd jeered, burning the picture of the king in rags into his mind. His eye strayed to the children, and he gave them no pity.
Let them cry as he had cried. Let them fall and beg as he had begged. Let them feel the loss of hope as he had felt it. Let them mourn as he had mourned, and let them feel it ten times worse.
Camden ripped his gaze from the offspring and focused on the center of his hatred once again as the Duritanian officer called for the soldiers to get ready. He heard the whispered instructions to Ranael, and then, to his surprise, the king turned his head to meet his eyes.
"Take care of her, Bartolv. You two are my last hope, Maliel's last hope." He straightened his shoulders and faced the line of gun barrels before Camden could reply. He raised his chin and revealed a pride once hidden by the demeaning rags that adorned his body, soft with luxury.
And the thunderous sound of many guns shooting filled the square with the high scream of the princess.

Camden let his head fall back to catch a breath of wind and felt the slight warmth of the sliver of rising sun. He swallowed nervously and ran a dry tongue over equally dry lips. The large crowd rumbled below him, and Rostoloff with his barrel chest and jungle of red hair was visible in the front, silent in brooding despair.
Rostoloff had been told to do nothing, and he didn't like it. He had a bad feeling. The people were clueless. They laughed and were carefree, as if Camden was expendable. Many of the rebels hadn't even shown in fear, cowards. They didn't realize Camden was all that held Maliel up. Their country fell with him. He found too many Duritanians for his liking, making an execution a time for jubilation. Barbarians.
The firing squad stood stiffly at attention and occasionally pushed a rowdy peasant back with the butt of a gun. One soldier was amazingly still and scanned the rooftops for shadows. He was tense and ready.
A cloaked figure slipped through the crowd practically unnoticed, searching the shadows as well.
Coron mounted the gallows and stood beside Camden. He stayed silent for a long time before asking in a voice that barely filled the entire square, “Any last words, Camden Bartolv, betrayer of the Empire?”
His eyes flew open and held fire once more. His voice rang proudly throughout the square as he cried, “Don't give up, brothers! I am not the first death! I am not the only life that needs to be avenged!”
Slowly, Coron slipped the noose over the criminal's head and backed away. “May God deal with you for your own actions, Camden Bartolv. We Duritanians rid ourselves of your despicable pre-” A thwang filled the heavy air, and the adviser fell with an arrow in his back, silenced forever.
The square broke into chaos. Rostoloff frowned and studied Camden's face for a hint of surprise. They didn't approve of the man who wouldn't come out of the shadows to truly help his people. They tried to turn the rebels against him, but he had a large following.
Camden tensed and remained facing the front. If he was to be shot because the Masquerader needed to take the stage, he would see the bullet that took him. He fell through the trapdoor that someone had released and struggled against the rope tightening at every jerk of the leg.
Muskets were fired, and smoke filled the air.
Only one soldier was calm and aimed carefully though there were only shadows to aim at.
Camden fell from the severed rope. He would find a chamber that emptied out into the square.
The Masquerader appeared for an instant to create another wave of confusion and bowed mockingly to the firing squad. She disappeared as the booms of gunshots sounded yet again as Camden slipped into the crowd unnoticed and didn't appear again. The damage had been done.
The cloaked figure hurried from the scene.
The firing squad searched the shadows and quickly spread into the crowd, searching for both the Masquerader and the revolutionary leader.
Eventually the square cleared. The firing squad left for the castle empty handed, silent and prepared for a flogging, and the peasants, buzzing with excitement and wonder, left to begin the day.
When no one was present, a shadow fell to the ground with the grace of a bird with a broken wing and struggled to rise. It staggered across the square and melted into an ally. Drops of crimson blood followed it into the dark as the last of the sun made it over the horizon.

*Points/reviews given to anyone who reviews my chapters. Either request points/reviews in your review or post a request in the discussion called Points, Points, Points. I need to know which review is yours and what you want. If you want anything else I haven't offered, I'll try to work with you. Right now I'm offering one hundred points per review.

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Last edited by megsug on Sat Mar 05, 2011 12:57 pm, edited 17 times in total.
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Hi Meg! Thanks again for the request ^^
Alright, this is going to be quite a short review, I apologize but I found myself unable to really find anything that I would nitpick or exactly comment on. Ten points for you, dear.
However, I do think there are a few parts we can discuss, nonetheless. Firstly, I feel like this chapter was quite draggy. I know you want to go into detail with your story and explain the events to us and all, but I found it to just...well, keep going on. The dialogue was interesting but it hard to stay focused. Maybe I'm just tired, lol. Secondly, I did notice a few comma errors here and there. For example:
When no one was present a shadow fell to the ground with the grace of a bird with a broken wing and struggled to rise. It staggered across the square and melted into an ally. Drops of crimson blood followed it into the dark as the last of the sun made it over the horizon.

I'm sure there should be a comma after present.

Anyway, I would like to compliment you on your writing. For fourteen, this is written quite nicely. The way your thoughtfully constructed your sentences and the way your provided your descriptions were quite amazing, considering your age. I only wish I had this talent back when I was fourteen, haha.
Your chapter revision is done quite well. I found significant improvement from this one and the previous chapters I have read. I'm quite surprised at this, might I add.
Anyway, considering your story so far, I'm not quite sure if I remember what had happened before, it seems like such long ago, it's hard to keep up with the stories after you continue reading different ones every now and then. But, if I remember correctly, it is the princess/queen that is the Masquerader, correct?
Hmm, the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter was a nice touch. I enjoyed reading your writing, the story itself could use a little more 'umph' in my opinion. My opinion, keep in mind I don't usually read this type of genre, therefore my knowledge here is limited. But, I did like your writing! ^^
Sorry if I wasn't much help, PM me if you need anything else, I'll try to help out the best I can.
Cheers,

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hey! :)

Thanks for the request! Having read this through, I have to admit that I can't really think of much to say. This is well written and the plot is continuing excellently, so if I seem to be picking at tiny things, it's because... I am. XD

His voice was much more impressive

I think this is straying into telling readers what to think about the characters. If you want people to see Camden as a hero, far better than his captors, then it's better to show this through his actions, which you already do, so this seems a bit redundant.

openly challenged her to continue the verbal sparring he had shamelessly released.

I'm not sure these adverbs are really necessary; they''re not telling us anything we didn't already know. Also, I'm not sure about releasing verbal sparring - it's more something you would begin or set off or provoke or provoke or something along those lines. Also (though this is just personal opinion) I might suggest changing it to "openly challenging her to continue" because you're not describing what he does next, you're describing what the thing you just described is doing, if that makes any sense.

What I mean is, you're saying, "he shouted, and challenged her."
But "he shouted, challenging her" would make more sense because the shout is the thing that's challenging her.

She coolly raised

SPLIT INFINITIVE ALERT!!! No, not really; it's a pretty insignificant rule that just comes from people trying to complicate things. But basically, if "she raised" is the verb then these two words are supposed to be kept together and not split up with another word inbetween. In this instance I think it does sound a little clumsy and would be better as "she raised an eyebrown coolly".

but the suddenly silent royalty

If you're referring to the queen then it should be "the suddenly silent royal". 'Royalty' is used to refer to royal people collectively, or royal status/lineage etc.

Ranael chewed on her bottom lip and frowned. No longer was she queen but princess, sitting beside her father instead of one of the Terribles, her advisers.

I didn't understand that this was setting up for the next paragraph to be a flashback when I read this the first time, I thought it just meant that she felt powerless, which led to me not getting the significance of the flashback at all until I reread it. The way this chapter as a whole jumps between past and present is quite confusing, in fact. I think putting the flashbacks in italics would make it much easier to understand what's going on.

I would watch out when he comes of age, and you take the throne.

But... this guy's getting sentenced to death, isn't he? So he's never going to come of age. Perhaps I'm missing something here, but this doesn't seem to match up.

and Camden began to dance at the end of his rope.

It's not clear what you mean by "dance" here. Is this a dance of celebration that the Marauder's here, or is he squirming because he's being throttled? You might want to make this more clear. And also, it would be nice if we had more of Camden's feelings about what's going on here at this point.

All in all, great chapter! Apart from the small things I mentioned above I found this an enjoyable read. The queen particularly is an interesting character. The only I'd say is that if Camden was an important figure for the rebels then surely they'd be worried about how he's faring/panicing/thinking up rescue plans/attending his execution? It seems like a bit of a gap to have the trial and hanging and everything happening, and nothing about all the people he's so important to. Also, the hanging scene was quite short compared to the length the trial scene went on for. Not that that one was too long, but after all that build up to the final scene I think you could have made more out of it and upped the tension.

Anyway, feel free to PM me about this or anything, and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter! :)




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Best part yet. :)

This whole chapter made me giddy with excitement, and worry that Camden was going to die! I'm so glad the Masquerader saved him, but someone has to find her before she dies... then all hope will be lost. :(
I just gotta tell you that Camden is probably my all time favorite character out of all the books I have ever read. He is cool, brave, stands up for what he believes, and he almost made me cry when he remembered the day the King and Queen were killed. Seriously, tears came to my eyes.

Queen Ranael... hm, she's an interesting person. I like how she decided she must save him. You did a great job with the flash backs/memories. I like knowing the background of the character and why they are who they are. But, I think it is odd why the Queen - even if she is a puppet queen - did not attend the hanging. I mean, she was the one who choose that death sentence. Wouldn't people noticed that she wasn't there? I'm getting a strong feeling that she is the Masquerader because of her plan she was making by the time the trial was over. Unless... she sent word for the Masquerader, but if people don't know who she is why should the Queen? You make this very interesting, Megsug! :D

By the end of this chapter I had a strong feeling that since the King told Camden to take care of Ranael and Ranael saving him from dying that some how they are going to fall in love.... which is okay, but a little predictable. But I still don't think that will happen... hm... I best be sure to read the next chapter right after I finish this review. ;)

Your doing a great job with "The Masquerader", Megsug. After each part I read I'm always picturing it as a finished book on a Barnes & Noble bookshelf. :)

~DeadEnd
"If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it." ~Toni Morrison




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This chapter certainly is great for Plot development. I like they way it turned out, only making the situation more mysterious and forming possibilities in my mind. This chapter shows more of the princess and of her past, making her a deeper, more important character. Do more! Keep writing.
something something dragons something something open to conversation
Been quiet for a couple years, we'll see how this one goes.




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Hey there! *isn't even going to mention how much Reviewer's Block she's had to put this off so long... >.>*

*cough*

Anywho! On to the review.

The room was dark with the noon sun struggling through the stained glass windows, painting the floor with reds and blues. Three chairs carved with immense attention to detail and made of a dark, almost black wood, colored with the greens and yellows of the window on a platform with one looming above the others. That one was laden with a thin, white haired man staring through his spectacles, down his nose, outlined by the dyed light. Cold, white marble spread out in a plain underneath the shadows of the chairs and held a single man chained, to the place he stood. Light streaming on him as a purple spotlight from the circular window above.


I'm not sure why, but when I first read this, I thought that this was a small, though perhaps ornate, room with only the man in it, like his "shack" that happened to be un"shack"like in appearance. (And by "shack" I just mean it made me think of like a tiny house thing on the beach with a lonely old man living there. So if you're trying to guess what I mean by all of this... not much.)

Okay, so I'm probably not making any sense at all, and I'm probably the only one that thought this when she read it, but I don't think it'd hurt to near the beginning of this say how large the room is, or give some kind of comparison (though of course, make it flow well with the rest of the piece).

%u201CYou caught me in the act, man. Why waste your time with this?%u201D


The bolded part seems out of place - not horribly so, and I probably wouldn't have mentioned it except you go on to say how impressive and such he sounds. I don't know, the way he's talking, it doesn't sound impressive. It's not bad, it just doesn't make me think of a great speaker or anything. So, I guess really it's up to you to decide to change it or not. You wouldn't have to, I just think it would improve this a bit.

and, lucky you, they all hate your guts.%u201D


I'd take out the bolded part. It seems much more formal, royal, without it, and more cruel sounding, less familiar, you know? I just think it'd escalate the feel you're going for.

No longer was she queen but princess, sitting beside her father instead of one of the Terribles, her advisers.


Because of the name similarities and the lack of background given, it took me a little while to realize if it was flashback, and when I got that, exactly how much, and when. I don't know, I just don't think you introduced it enough, especially since they're both past tense, which switching tenses is often a tell tale sign of flashbacks (of course, only when the most of the story is in present tense. Maybe adding an ellipse at the end of this sentence would help.

Ranael glanced up from her hands resting on her lap to Camden


Again, it's hard to tell if this is the flashback or not, since we don't really know who all is at the trial, so we don't know if it just switched view points or something. I'd suggest doing the flashbacks in italics. And yes, I hate using them so largely, but I think it's one of the only ways to avoid confusion here, unless you want to rewrite this whole thing making it painfully obvious.

Okay, so this chapter left me with quite a few questions, which could go either good or bad depending on what's the come.

My first, biggest question, revolves around the executed king. Why exactly was he executed, and if he was, why did his daughter take up the throne? The only reason I can see for his execution would be someone took over the kingdom, which we sort of get a feel for, but then Ranael becomes the queen, shaking that idea. I just want to know what happened. You don't really have to explain it all now, but I like asking questions as they come in case you hadn't resolved them later on.

Also, about Camden being the only thing holding Maliel up - what exactly is he doing? We see him rallying before getting arrested, but what else? It seemed like he had yet to do anything at that point. Maybe in the future chapters we'll get a better feel for this, but it's something to think about.

And lastly, about the Masquerader. I've worked out that it's Ranael (and by the way, I should have, but I didn't see that coming, and I loved that. :P ) and I wonder - does she actually use magic, or is she just that skilled, and how exactly did she get that skilled?

So, that's pretty much everything I can see. Loving the plot, the characters. Best chapter yet, probably. No onto the next one. :)

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com



I'm tired of books having villains who are just villains for no reason.
— EllieMae