Pawn

A silent prayer-
somehow heard.

Yet unanswered,
flies like a bird.

Through the night and
into the dawn;
controlled by something larger-
controlled like a pawn.

First to die
on a battlefield-
A common pig-sty.

Ordered by a lazy king
who isn't alone-
but guarded as he
sits on a throne.

Waiting to her the news,
the messenger's last cues-

Checkmate.

A pretty decent poem, if I read it correctly, about a soldier who prays that they don't die on the battlefield, but who dies anyway, and the narrator feels that the blame rests on the greedy/selfish king.

Waiting to her the news,
the messenger's last cues-

Checkmate.

I think the 'her' is meant to be hear. And should the 'cue' have an 's' at the end? And I know the ending word is something to do with chess but I don't really understand it. Anyway, nice poem.

Lovely piece- not sure if I fully understand the meaning behind it, but the writing itself is wonderfully done. Love the subtle rhymes and the structure. For some reason, I didn't really like the "-controlled like a pawn" though. It felt like it was a bit forced or too passive. I dunno. But I don't like it. Otherwise, great piece- love the ending especially.

-Coral-

Hey Arris,

Seems to me like you've only got the bare bones of a poem here: it's kind of lacking in imagery, and you're only skimming over the ideas without developping them as much as you could and getting mixed up with several threads. You seem to be focusing on the pawn/chess, but it's only really mentioned twice. Then you've got the prayer/bird that's isolated and the contrast between the king and the soldier--it's very mixed up and if it weren't for the title, your chess theme wouldn't pop out all that much at all. I'd suggest reinforcing it a bit, adding maybe some variation and just focusing on it more than you have so far. You're also using rather overdone ideas: the "pawn" concept has been done to death, and right now there's nothing more to it that would give it an unique, original or at least interesting spin.

Your wording is also awkward at times:

controlled by something larger-
controlled like a pawn.

is just unecessarily repetitive, and

Ordered by a lazy king
who isn't alone-
but guarded as he
sits on a throne.

is really a huge clump that doesn't bring all that much. You could've condensed it in a way that would've made it less heavy.

Also watch out for punctuation: a lot of your sentences are fragmented and cut off by periods that shouldn't be there at all. Fic that, and the flow of the poem will more fluid, which always helps.

Hey Arrie!

I like this. I know a chestboard and a battlefield can be a little cliched, but this was somehow different. You got your point across in a very short and simple piece. I think that's the beauty of it.

I did think the rhythm was a bit off though, or non-existant at times. Especially the lines "controlled by something larger-controlled like a pawn," they threw me off. Partly because of the rhythm, and partly because I don't think the word 'controlled' works for repitition. For the effect of repitition it's best to use sharper words, but the double L in 'controlled' slows it down, especially where there is a break in the rhythm like this.

Apart from that, this is good Nice work.

Aha, the whole pawn situation!

I didn't really like it, lol. It was kind of obvious, too obvious for my tastes, and it held a bunch of cliched images. The lazy king (who somehow wasn't lazy enough to not order the pawn around?), the battlefield being like a pig sty, etc., etc. I don't know. I am not quite sure how a battlefield is even supposed to look like a pig sty!

Also, there seemed to be a lot of repetition. See what happens if you condense it even further. It'll probably seem a lot better. Also... can we have a different description other than pig sty? XD