Reach For The Sky

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Thu Sep 23, 2010 11:02 pm

KAH says... · Thu Sep 23, 2010 11:02 pm

I watch you waste away
You where born to shine
But left behind
You slowly fade to gray
You say you are fine
But you are surly blind

Reach for the sky
I would catch if only I could
Open your eyes
Realize how astonishing you are

Listen to the sound of your days passing by
While you live a lie
When you said goodbye there was no reply
If you believe that you’re not strong
Then life won’t move on

Reach for the sky
I would catch if only I could
Open your eyes
Realize how astonishing you are

You blow me away
Blow me right into the sky
Please catch me when I come
Plummeting down into your arms

Just reach for the sky.

Last edited by KAH on Sat Sep 25, 2010 3:19 am, edited 2 times in total.

Dreams don't always have to exist while the sun's down and your eyes are shut.

BluesClues

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Fri Sep 24, 2010 12:17 am

BluesClues says... · Fri Sep 24, 2010 12:17 am

This is nice. I like the message, and I think the title's great. I also liked the rhyme scheme...I used to write rhyming poetry, but now I stick to free verse (in large part because I always think my own rhymes sound stupid, while others' sound good)...but it's refreshing to sometimes read someone else's poetry, when it rhymes. Interesting rhyme scheme here, good flow for the most part and very easy on the Inner Ear. (I don't actually read it aloud. And if some people believe in an Inner Eye, why can't I have an Inner Ear?)

Calligraphy

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Fri Sep 24, 2010 4:25 pm

Calligraphy says... · Fri Sep 24, 2010 4:25 pm

KAH wrote:I watch you waste away
You where born to shine
But left behind
Slowly fade to gray What left behind? I know I am being a stick in the mud, but you should say "But those left behind" or "You slowly fade to gray"
You say you are fine
But you are surly blind

Reach for the sky
I would catch you if only I could
Open your eyes
Realize how astonishing you are

Demeter

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Fri Sep 24, 2010 7:11 pm

Demeter says... · Fri Sep 24, 2010 7:11 pm

Hey, KAH!

Overall, this reminded me more of a song than a poem. Perhaps it's the way you repeat one stanza, as if it were a chorus. It could work as an inspirational, love-yourself kind of song, like "Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall, which this made me for some reason think of.

There is a nice, although not very original, message to this, but everything seems to be all over the place. Some places rhyme, some places don't. There's an introduction, there's a middle part, and then it suddenly bumps into a wall and ends. In the middle stanza, the rhyming is very present, unlike in the other parts, which makes it sound disturbing and like something's wrong. I believe that in rhyming, like so many other things, you have to be consistent. You can't have this and that and other this and other that. Variety is a spice of life, not the whole meal.

I'd suggest that you focus on a couple of your favourite elements in this poem (like the strong rhyme scheme, chorus-y stanzas, etc.) and expand them. Scratch the others and save them for later. Don't waste all your ideas on one thing.

Demeter
x

P.S. Remember to check your spelling!

"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

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SilentRain

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Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:59 pm

SilentRain says... · Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:59 pm

Hello, I really liked this poem, there are a few things I found kind of rocky, Which I will point out, but over all I liked it, The rhyme was good, but there really was not set rhyme scheme It was like you just some things rhyme and thenother sot to rhyme, this can mess up a poem a lot of times, here I think it would be ok to leave it as is, but thats just me... Ok,so here goes.

I watch you waste away
You where born to shine
But left behind
Slowly fade to gray
You say you are fine
But you are surly blind<< Here I think you should swicth "you are" with "surely"

Reach for the sky
I would catch if only I could<< I dont see what it is would catch if you could... should the word "you be in there??
Open your eyes
Realize how astonishing you are

Listen to the sound of your days passing by
While you live a lieAll the rhyming here though is kind of annoying and messes with the flow abit...
When you said goodbye there was no reply
If you believe that you’re not strong
Then life won’t move on

Reach for the sky
I would catch if only I could
Open your eyes
Realize how astonishing you are

You blow me away
Blow me right into the sky
Please catch me when I come
Plummeting down into your armsI thought hat the other person was the one fall?

Just reach for the sky.

So, I think you should tell us WHO this person is... Are they a friend, family member, lover, what???

Well, I like the poem, edit it up a bit and it will be great!

~Rain~

topic68479.html <---- Click here to have your poems reviewed!

Theres always a rainbow after the Rain!!!!!!!

Miyakko

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Points 4908

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Sun Sep 26, 2010 1:15 pm

Miyakko says... · Sun Sep 26, 2010 1:15 pm

Hi KAH,

Really lovely piece! I thought it was pretty good. It wasn't too long and wasn't boring which was what I liked. As some of the others have said, it does have a really god message to it and that really comes across in it, so well done!

I liked the bits of the rhyming scheme that was sort-of happening. Someone mentioned that some parts of it rhyme while others don't, I agree with that. Try and make all the lines rhyme (or not rhyme) to make it flow better. The rhyming stopped then started again, it was a bumpy read!

But, it was pretty good! Best wishes!

RedLeaf

WaywardBird

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Sun Sep 26, 2010 2:28 pm

WaywardBird says... · Sun Sep 26, 2010 2:28 pm

At first I didn't like it, but by the ending it was pretty awesome. I liked the theme of it, kind of reminded me of like, a bird trying to cheer someone up! Idk¿ But it was lots of fun to read! ~I thought I picked a couple spelling errors, I'm not the best speller in the world though fyi! LOVED IT!

Latina est TUMOROSUS senes ita sortem.

MilkNCookies

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Sun Sep 26, 2010 2:30 pm

MilkNCookies says... · Sun Sep 26, 2010 2:30 pm

That's really good and meaningful. Keep writing!

"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.

lyricsandlimericks

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Sun Sep 26, 2010 10:27 pm

lyricsandlimericks says... · Sun Sep 26, 2010 10:27 pm

Dear KAH,
I really like the theme with this one.
Again, just a couple of spelling errors.
I know sometimes your mind is too fast for your pencil (well, in this case, the keyboard), but just try to check your spelling a bit.
Otherwise, I really liked it. There was just the part where you rhymes the three times in a row, which didn't flow too well. It's an awesome poem though. (:

-lyricsandlimericks
P.S. I like your signature
"I'm not trying tp impress you..."

Snoink

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Sun Sep 26, 2010 10:37 pm

Snoink says... · Sun Sep 26, 2010 10:37 pm

Hey KAH!

Demeter's right! It did sound more like a song than an actual poem. As a poem, it seemed much too repetitive and and rhyme-y (like that's even a word!

) and simplistic, but as song, maybe a pop song, it could be pretty cool!

I do like the message... I like self-esteem boosters! However, the reach for the sky line reminds me of those old westerns where, "Reach for the sky!" meant raise your hands so you don't get shot. Watch out for that meaning!

Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic!

Snoink

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Wed Sep 29, 2010 1:04 am

Snoink says... · Wed Sep 29, 2010 1:04 am

Speaking of it sounding like a song... it is a song!

*Locked*

Plagiarism.

Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic!

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