Memories [Ch. 9]

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“Emily, are you okay?” Dad asks, still playing the concerned game.

“I’m fine,” I say. “I’m just tired, that’s all.”

“If anything’s wrong, promise me that you’ll go see your psychologist.”

“Yep, I will.” I mutter, looking into the cloud of steam.

“It’s all I ask, honey.” He dries his hands on a checker-patterned towel.

I don’t answer. I lean into the cloud of steam that’s coming out of the dishwasher. He could trap me in it and press SCALD. I’d curl up between a plate and bowl.

“Please, can you do that?” He questions again. Does he know that I heard him the first time?

“Yes,” I clench my teeth. “I can.”

“Thank you, darling.” He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

I roll my eyes before walking out of the room.

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“Emily, come here!” I wince as someone calls my name. I turn towards the voice, it’s Annie – sitting alone, waving her hands around in the air.

I force a smile, and walk towards her. She gestures to the chair across from her.

“Hey, how are you?” she asks. “Like, do you know how hectic it’s been around here?”

“I’m alright, I guess… and I haven’t really been paying attention to much around here.”

She smiles weakly. “Emily, I think we should talk.”

“We are talking now, aren’t we?” I shoot back.

“No, I mean that we need to discuss things.” She says. “We need to get to the root of your problems.”

I laugh. “Seriously?”

She reaches for me. “I think it’d help.”

I pull away from her. “Don’t tell me what to do. You have no power over me. My psychologist is here for all that stuff.”

Her eyes plead for me to stay, but I’m already tumbling over the chair.

“Emily, listen to me!” she cries. “You need some help! Please don’t pull away from everyone. We’re only trying to help.”

Only trying to help doesn't reach me because I’m already halfway out of the cafeteria.




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Alright, so your story is coming along, so I want to touch on something super importan


Character Development

Your main character seems like a major brat. I say this because with all the trauma and stuff she's going through, she refuses to get help, which can really infuriate the reader (Like me.) It's also they way she treats her father, Annie and her therapist
I advise everyone I critique to take the Mary-Sue test (http://www.ponylandpress.com/ms-test.html) because I think it'll help you with your character.

Keep writing
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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Hello.

For the most part I agree with with wickedwonder. Alright, so your MC may be going through a rough time right now. But her friends and family are just trying to help her since they care about her and are concerned for her well-being. Yet, she acts inconsiderate and rude without it ever being brought out out in a way that feels satisfying. Okay, so maybe this is deliberate, and that's fine. If so, there has to be somewhat of an underlying sweetness that will make us sympathize with her and understand what she's going through. Reading this, I didn't really get a sense of that. Especially since this in first person, you have to make your character a likable person who we can understand and relate to. If you don't, it will stray people away from reading this story.
'
Have you ever seen It's a Wonderful Life? If not, I recommend that you check it out. At the end, the protagonist, George Bailey, acts like a total jerk to his family and friends. Why? He has to pay 8,000 dollars to the bank or his life is ruined. We understand what he's going through and can sympathize with him even though he acts very unlikeable.

Hope this helped. Shoot me a PM if you have any questions or need anything cleared up!

-Elinor x

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney



a little humanity makes all the difference
— Rosendorn