Joy Production

It's very boring here,there is nothing to do
in this factory of joy, the factory for you.

I sit here in this desk to take any request
for a shipment of joy, the elation in your chest.

We used to be so busy life used to be so grand
the joy was made and shipped, everything was to plan

People danced and people sung, they couldn't get enough
for joy is a fantastic thing, some awesome stuff.

But then something happened, we never saw it coming
rather slowly it started, people were not loving.

Then a different order, we were to create
a new product and ship it, it was to be called hate.

We thought it was a bad idea, but all the same
we made it and shipped it, the hate to people came.

Then people made money, and had another plead
to make another new product, they were to call it greed.

Then distrust, suspicion, and (worst of all) fear
were made and shipped out, something bad was near.

Rage, destruction, mindless fury, we made the peoples bane
but our worst mistake of all time, that when we made pain.

Very soon no one at all wanted to have joy
it was just hate and pain for every girl and boy.

Then a lot less people ordered things, we don't know where they went
and the rest of them ordered joy, we thought they would repent.

But greed and hate came back again, and then another order
for the desire to destroy, with gun and bomb and mortar.

Even grater then the hate, the need for pain was
greater then joy had ever been, this was all because

without joy there is great pain, we learned this all too late
but the people knew it not, they called the pain their fate.

Once people had too much pain, they simply had enough
the did not order anything that was to be our stuff.

So while other departments they have all their time filled
here in joy Base1, there is much time to kill.

Why cant we have chaos here, why cant we go back
to the time way back when, when joy was never slack.

So if you become happy, you just got a shipment
and to spread joy around, that is your commitment.

Hello there

I'd like to say that i think the idea of the poem is great, but I spotted a few things that you could might want to change.

But then something happened, we never saw it coming

i belive But is a unneeded word

but our worst mistake of all time, that when we made pain.

It might just be me, but I don't think, that, is the right word to use. try using was, or something to make that flow easier.

Even grater then the hate,the need for pain was greater then joy had ever been,

You misspelled greater, also I don't think, the need for pain was greater then joy had ever been. goes well when you have the word greater right before it. You might just want to take a look at that line and edit a few things.

Also, putting in line breaks would help it look less like one major paragraph.

Once, again the message in the poem is good. Not one of the best reviewer, but hope this helps.

Hello there, nicchaos.

The first thing I noticed was the punctuation. It was inconsistent and not always grammatically correct. Poetry generally follows the same grammar conventions as regular writing, and by not consistently following those conventions, you make your poetry less easy to read, especially since your punctuation seems to vary just because. Being more consistent with your grammar will make your poetry easier to read.

The next thing I noticed was the misspelled words. NoSleepNoDreams has already pointed out one of them, but there are several.

In both cases, proofreading your work more closely ought to catch them. One way to make proofreading easier is to rewrite your poem in prose form and check the grammar and spelling before reformatting into poem form.

The last issue I'd like to bring up is how some rhymes were forced. With rhymes such as enough/stuff, it's pretty obvious that you chose one of the words just because it rhymed with the other and not because it necessarily made sense or was the best word to be used there. As a result, some parts of this poem read as coming out of nowhere, and this disjointedness of ideas wasn't helped by the grammar being so inconsistent.

I suggest maybe trying to write this poem without the rhyme and seeing if it works better. Right now, I get the feeling that the rhyme is restricting this poem.

I love it!

I first looked at this poem because I thought it had an interesting title, and the poem didn't let me down. It's very creative. I love the idea of actually manufacturing things like joy and hate.

I think if I had to critique something I would say that it goes on for a little too long. Once the whole destruction thing came into it, the poem kind of lost that fairy-tale kind of tone to it. It picked up towards the end again, but that chunk in the middle was a little too deep for the style of the rest of the poem.

I also think it could do with some stanzas. Stanzas are good. They're easier to read, and made the bulk of text not so daunting to look at.

Other than that, I like it. Keep it up

Hey! I think this poem is very interesting and I like the concept a lot. It flows quite well and the rhyming is good, if a little predictable in places. One thing I would say is that a big block of text is a little bit daunting to start reading, so I'd suggest having a look at it and maybe split it up into stanzas. Also, there are places where you've made some typos, so make sure to check your work over, else it looks a little bit sloppy. Apart from that, good job!

Hello! I'm SporkPunk, and I'll add on to these reviews. Hopefully.

First, stanzas! They're wonderful little things. You have what I like to call a "Wall-O-Text" and it's truly daunting to look at in one's browser. I almost pressed the back button and didn't read your poem. But, I changed my mind. No particular reason why. I'm glad I did. I love your idea here. It reminds me of a poem my friend wrote in Creative Writing. It was called "Pretty Hate Machine." But I digress.

Kyllorac covered all the little grammatical bits and technical things, so I won't risk being redundant by repeating what she wrote.

Anyway, overall, I really liked it. Idea was good, but I think you can improve on the punctuation and spelling.

Keep Writing!

--Sporky

Oooh, I liked this poem! It kind of reminded me of Shel Silverstein's poems... and I adore Shel Silverstein. It also kind of reminded me of Dr. Seuss's "The Lorax." A bit different, but still that kind of idea. So yeah. I pretty much loved it.

Now, typos:

Even grater then the hate, the need for pain was <-- "grater" should be "greater" and "then" should "than" be

Also, "cant" should have an apostrophe in it.

One more thing! Pain is being requested... that seems a bit odd. I don't think pain would normally be requested. It would be a side effect, I think.

Also, I think some people would look for joy... but in the wrong places. So it might be fun to write about that.