[September Contest] Matthew and Ali (Poem)

The related poem of this story; post763394.html#p763394

Some of us are rich and have plenty of money
to spend. So much that it becomes meaningless--
they can get everything and anything they want
without stress.

The others have to think about every cent,
count it and gather it, conserve
in any way they they can.

There's a house cleaner, one just out of college
who is the latter. His girlfriend's been evicted-
fired from her job and unable to find another one,
she clings to him for help.
Yet he has little to provide.

He wants to be happy;
have a good job and get married.
But his firm is losing business;
three co-workers were laid off.

He's scared and uncertain.
He just wants to be happy.

Hi Elinor Brynn! I know this is for the contest, so I'll take the opportunity to be rather frank: I felt no emotion. I once took a creative writing class, and my teacher told us that poetry is a gift -- a gift that the poet gives the reader. The gift is usually a bit of inspiration, knowledge, or advice. But I didn't really get a gift here. You just sort of threw me the wrapping paper, but not the stuff inside.

Okay, so some dude's girlfriend is evicted. He wants to be happy. You told me that, but you didn't need to; show, don't tell, because honestly, we're not going to care that this dude's girlfriend is evicted unless you portray that to us in a striking way. Whatever this "striking way" happens to be if for you to decide.

Elinor Brynn wrote:Some of us are rich and have plenty of money
to spend. So much that it becomes meaningless--
they can get everything and anything they want
without stress.

The others have to think about every cent,
count it and gather it, conserve
in any way they they can.

I would drop the word "the" in that bit I highlighted in blue. You make it sound like there are two classifications for people; snobby rich and kind, benevolent poor. This, clearly, is not the case. It's almost approaching being cliche.

Other than those things I pointed out, you seem to have a very good topic and a provoking character situation. May I ask what prompt the Story Theme Generator gave you? That thing can give some pretty wacky ideas; I applaud your ability to keep the poem within the realm of possibility. Perhaps this will help, and of course I hope I'm not too harsh.

- Abigail

Hey Eli!

I have to say, I have to agree with Abigail here! The poem just fell flat. It seemed like you were writing more of an opinion piece than an actual poem. When you write poetry, remember that you have to have a conflict and you have to have a story to center around the conflict. This sounds confusing... look at a line here:

There's a house cleaner, one just out of college

This is probably the best line here, just because it's catchy and it has a sense of tension. You see, with a conflict driving the poem forward, the poem has tension and drive. This is good. Make sure you have the conflict. Poetry is not all about line breaks.

Best of luck!