Never let me go *Edited*

Okay, this is an edited version, before you read this chick the link and read the origanal, tell me with is bette and if it improved... topic68976.html


My lips are chapped
red and swollen
but I don’t care
lets keep going

I don’t want to stop
enchanted by your kiss
I just want to stay here
in this moment of bliss

Pulled under by your touch
enlightened by your smile
I wish we could stay here
for just a little while

It's really hard to breathe
drowning in your eyes
wrapped in strong arms
where I feel like I could fly

With butterflies in my stomach
and thoughts of you in my mind
I'll hold you with a passion
that seems undefined

I shouldn't do this
I know it’s unwise
but I can’t let go
so we’ll hide behind lies

But can it be enough
this love for one another
can we make it through
and deify all others

Fate but us together
parents ripped us apart
but again we found each other
and again we must part

I don't to say good bye
I’m happy where I lie
safe in your embrace
close by your side

Well, that's it!

I'm a hopeless romantic, so that really played with my emotions. That was really good, but I didn't read the unedited version.
Good work
~WickedWonder

Hi! I like this poem. It's light-hearted and romantic and I think people would be able to relate to it. However, I have a bit of an issue with the punctuation. I mean... there isn't any! And fair enough, punctuation in poetry is really a stylistic decision - some people like to put a comma at the end of every line and others like to punctuate as they would in regular sentences. But when you have a question in your poem and you don't put a question mark in, that throws me off. Try experimenting with different ways to punctuate and see what looks best.

Also, you need to check over your work. In fact, check it twice. And use spell check. You have quite a few mistakes and that makes your work look sloppy and as if you don't care about it much, which I'm sure isn't the case at all!

I took a look at your unedited version and I think there are some good stanzas in that one as well, particularly near the end. However, the first stanza in both versions doesn't paint a very ncie picture, it sounds slightly icky - kisses should be romantic and enjoyable, so swollen lips don't seem to fit, though I see the point you're making with it.

Overall, the poem flowed well, the rhyming is good, and I like the message behind it. It just needs a bit of tidying up and then it'll be great!

WritingWords here, with your super-fast review!

While I read this, I noticed a lot of spelling mistakes. They were very distracting to read over. Could you please go back and proofread your work? Check for spelling and grammar.

As I think I have said before, I don't like the first part of the poem, about the chapped lips part. It seems as if the character is complaining or something.

Sorry to be brief, but I have to go now. Post more stuff for me to review!