The New Begining

I was always the smart one.
The pretty one.
The good one.
Now, I'm the bad one.
The blind one.
The foolish one.
I don't know if that's a good thing but it left me here, sitting down on the sand watching the waves roll in and out. These past few months felt like a dream. You know, the kind that gets so bad you wanna wake up.
But....I already was. The whole time.
I was awake living in a dream that was a nightmare.
My phone buzzed in my hand and I read the caller ID. It was Kyle.
Answering it was a risk I wasn't going to take. Everything he was made me into the person I use to be. Mindless, heartless, and unforgivable. But just like everything else before, I was willing to throw it all away.
Walking toward the water, I felt my phone buzz one last time.
I threw the phone as far as I could and watched as the waves swallowed it whole.
Looking up at the sun, I took a deep breath. This was the start of a new me.

I really liked this! The only grammar error I could find was when you said "I use to be" It would be "I used to be". Other then that I found nothing wrong! I really liked the beginning, and this line " the waves swallowed it whole." Good description! So, this was a wonderful poem and I loved reading it! Keep writing!

- KAH

and welcome to YWS, if you need any help shoot me a PM or just go on chat :]

OOHH very nice i really like this you did a great job.
haha funny tid bit of information it made me laugh when it said "it was Kyle" lol I'm writing a story and the main guys name is Kyle haha i just thought that was kind of funny.
anyway back to your work.
it's very well written in my opinion great job keep writing!!

I actually really liked this. Usually, I wouldn't like something so straightforward, with not much symbolism. But I really, really liked this.
I could imagine everything and I felt like I knew the entire story, I felt like I knew the girl and how desperate she was to get away from Kyle and her old self.
I think this is a really great poem.
Good job!

Okay, this is my second shoot at reviewing this... I first one wouldn't post and I had to restart my computer...

Hello, and welcome to YWS!

I have a tendency to pick apart a poem that I am reviewing, in both a good way and a bad way, I will tell you what I liked and didn't like and that kind of stuff...

So, first of, A narrative poem is a poem that tells a story, but it still needs to be written in verse, this is not... You started off good, but then just dropped it... So I will show you how I think you should put this piece in verse...

Here goes...

I was always the smart one.
The pretty one.
The good one.
Now, I'm the bad one.
The blind one.
The foolish one.
I don't know if that's a good thing
but it left me here,
sitting down on the sand
watching the waves roll in and out.
These past few months felt like a dream.
You know,
the kind that gets so bad
you wanna wake up.
But....I already was.
The whole time.
I was awake
living in a dream that was a nightmare.
My phone buzzed in my hand
and I read the caller ID.
It was Kyle.
Answering it was a risk
I wasn't going to take.
Everything he was
made me into the person I use to be.
Mindless, heartless, and unforgivable.
But just like everything else before,
I was willing to throw it all away.
Walking toward the water,
I felt my phone buzz one last time.
I threw the phone as far as I could
and watched as the waves swallowed it whole.
Looking up at the sun,
I took a deep breath.
This was the start of a new me.

There you go, you don't have to use it if you don't want it is your poem so...

And now is the time that I will pick this apart...

I was always the smart one.
The pretty one.
The good one.
Now, I'm the bad one.
The blind one.
The foolish one.

I love this beginning! It is great!

I don't know if that's a good thing<< This line I think should be "I don't know how I got that way"
but it left me here,
sitting down on the sand
watching the waves roll in and out.

Here, I think that it would do good to change that because, going from The Smart, pretty, and good one, to the bad, blind and foolish one is oveosly a bad thing... So, yea... Other then that, I like it part...

These past few months felt like a dream.
You know,
the kind that gets so bad
you wanna wake up.
But....I already was.
The whole time.
I was awake
living in a dream that was a nightmare.

Loved this part as well, one of my favorite parts of the poem...

My phone buzzed in my hand
and I read the caller ID.
It was Kyle.
Answering it was a risk
I wasn't going to take.
Everything he was
made me into the person I use to be.
Mindless, heartless, and unforgivable.

Ok, so this is good, nut I think maybe add another line or to saying How he made you that way...

But just like everything else before,
I was willing to throw it all away.

This part I don't get at all... What is it or was it that you were willing to throw away?? I don't know, maybe the meaning is right there but I'm just missing it...

Walking toward the water,
I felt my phone buzz one last time.
I threw the phone as far as I could << here I think you should repalce the words "the phone" to "it" just because you used phone in the line before this, and using the same word so close messes up the flow...
and watched as the waves swallowed it whole.
Looking up at the sun,
I took a deep breath.
This was the start of a new me.

I love this ending! It is a great way to end a great poem!!

Overall, this is a very good, poem and it is even better do to the fact that this is a very common topic written in a way you that is not common... Great job!! I hope I wasn't to harsh, PM me if you have any questions or conserns... Or if you just want to tell me to shove it because I'm mean...

Hope this helps,

~Rain~

Great job at writing this I don't think it didn't have any mistakes . I like it ^^ Nice job
keep on writing ! I think that's enough said

AquilahLynn wrote:I was always the smart one.
The pretty one.
The good one.
Now, I'm the bad one.
The blind one.
The foolish one.
I don't know if that's a good thing but it left me here, sitting down on the sand watching the waves roll in and out. These past few months felt like a dream. You know, the kind that gets so bad you wanna wake up.
But....I already was. The whole time.
I was awake living in a dream that was a nightmare.
My phone buzzed in my hand and I read the caller ID. It was Kyle.
Answering it was a risk I wasn't going to take. Everything he was made me into the person I use to be. Mindless, heartless, and unforgivable. But just like everything else before, I was willing to throw it all away.
Walking toward the water, I felt my phone buzz one last time.
I threw the phone as far as I could and watched as the waves swallowed it whole.
Looking up at the sun, I took a deep breath. This was the start of a new me.

It sounded more like a prose than a poem...

I have nothing more to say because KAH and SlientRain had cover everything. Overall, this is a good one and I enjoed reading it. The part that I liked the most is this.

I was always the smart one.
The pretty one.
The good one.
Now, I'm the bad one.
The blind one.
The foolish one.

Keep writing because practice makes prefect!

Good Luck,
Alicia.