Dreams

This is my first story on YWS so PLEASE tell me what you think, and I don't mind harsh edits (it makes me a better writer). And also I was wondering if this should be longer or shorter or if this is a good size?


Ring, Ring. I grabbed my cell phone on my bed, flipped it open and with my, a cheerful tone said "Hello." After hearing what the person on the other line said my cheerfulness was gone and a wave of panic came across me. After hanging up the phone I frantically grabbed my jacket slipped on my tennis shoes and was out the door

Once in my car I slipped the key in the ignition and started the car. The sound of the ignition roared to life as I pulled out of the driveway and on the street. Not worrying about my safety I stomped on the gas pedal and sped to the hospital. Once on the highway I zoomed in and out of each lane cutting of many drivers. It was when I almost collided with another car that I realized how fast and dangerous I was driving. Cassie slow down or you're going to be in the hospital with Abby, Brianna, and Daisy. Slowing down the car by more than 30 miles, I turned on the radio, cracked down the windows and calmly drove to the hospital. While driving to the hospital I replayed the conversation I had with the nurse

"Are you Cassandra Emerson?" the nurse on the other line had asked me.
"Yes," I replied puzzled.
"There has been an accident and Abigail Peterson, Brianna Hanson, and Daisy Teschler are in the emergency room. Do you know them?" the nurse said
"They are my 3 best friends in the world of course I know them!" I had yelled into my cellphone.
After a moments pause the nurse sighed and said"Well they are in the emergency room and their parents have requested that you be here."
"O.k. I'll be there right away." I said to the nurse.

10 minutes later

I pushed open the heavy hospital door and a wave of grief struck me. I saw Abby, Brianna, and Daisy's parents sitting in the waiting chairs with their shoulder's shaking up and down and tears streaming down their face. I couldn't bear myself to ask what happened and I didn't want to hear a doctor give me a pessimistic outcome so I just stood where I was mute and melancholic. Seconds turned into minutes and I could feel many people's eyes lurking on me. I was certain I had been standing there for at least half and hour but my watch told me I was only there for 3 minutes. Cassie just go to the front desk and ask. You've been standing there for long enough, I thought to myself. My little pep talk to myself seemed to work, because I started inching my way to the front desk. I could hear my heart beat pounding in my ears, and my neon green checkered vans thumping against the cold marble floor.

Once at the front door I ran the bell and a blond pale nurse in light green scrubs looked up at me. "How may I help you?" 'she asked with light sweet American accent.
"Ummm I'm here for Abigail Peterson, Brianna Hanson, and Daisy Teschler," I mumbled.
"Sure let me page their Doctor," the nurse said.
"Thanks," I responded.
I waited at the front desk took out the office phone dialed a few numbers, said something I couldn't understand, and then hung up the phone. In a matter of seconds a tall,slender, muscular doctor with dark brown hair hazel colored eyes approached me. Even in my state of grief I could still notice how amazingly attractive he was. "Cassandra Emerson?" He questioned standing inches away from me.
"Yeah, but you can call me Cassie." I said my cheeks turning a strawberry red.
"O.k. Cassie I have some mildly good news and some bad news," the doctor replied his voice slow and steady. Before I could say anything he continued talking again. "The mildly good news is Your friends Abigail Peterson and Daisy Teschler were in the crash and received a lot of impact but have still survived. They have been taken in to surgery and are being operated on right now. "
"What about Brianna! Is she okay can I go see her?" I frantically replied.
"Well that's where we get to the bad part. You see when your friends were driving there was a drunk driver driving on the same side of the road in the opposite direction. In attempt to move out of the way your friend that was driving made a sharp turn that resulted in the car flipping over. Unfortunately in addition to that the drunk driver hit their car causing an even greater impact. Your friend Brianna Harrison was dead before she got to the emergency room. I'm so sorry."

Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. Those were the only words my brain could think of. The doctor crept away and I waited for the waterfall of tears to stream down my face. The tears didn't form and instead I stood where I was motionless, dismal, and almost as lifeless as Brianna. My feet were glued to the floor and the only part of my body that was moving were my eyes. I looked left, right, up, and down scanning the nurses working and the people crying over their dead family and friends. It wasn't until a doctor approached Abby and Daisy's parents that my heart began pumping rapidly. I couldn't utter a word but in my head a million thoughts were going on at once. What is he going to tell them. Are Abby and Daisy alive. Did I loose my other two best friends. I watched as the doctor sat down with Mr. and Mrs.Peterson and Mr.and Mrs. Teschler. I waited for that sigh of relief that would tell me Abby and Daisy were alive, but instead I got the exact opposite. Mrs. Peterson clamped her hand over her mouth and Mrs. Teschler buried her face in her husbands shoulder.

I stared at the Harrisons, Petersons, and Teschlers struck with grief and crying until I could take it no more. I closed my eyes, escaping from the hospital, and into the happiest time of my life;earlier today. This morning was the start of my sixteenth birthday, what I thought was going to be the best day of my life. My father arranged for me to have my dream birthday at Harbor Beach Fort Lauderdale Resort and Spa, the place he owned. After Abby Brianna, and Daisy spent the night at my house we woke up and did the thing we all love:Jet Skiing. Riding the jet skis on the clear, blue ocean water had already made my day. After that things got even better because we were treated with massages, manicures, pedicures, and mud baths at the spa. Then we hung out at the beach until my friends blindfolded me and took me to the surprise birthday party that they and my dad had been planning for weeks. After one in the morning when the party was over and I finished opening the millions of presents I got, my Abby, Brianna, and Daisy left and went home. Everything was perfect and this was the best day of my life, until I received that phone call from the hospital.

When I opened my eyes I saw Mr. Harrison and Mr. Teschler signaling for me to join them. I wanted to go and join the family of my now dead best friends, but I couldn't. My feet didn't have the will power to move and little beads of sweat were trickling down my face. Once again I became lifeless and I could only think of four words. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. The words flowed through my head making a tune. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. I was starting to panic when sharp, vivid pictures of Abby, Brianna, and Daisy dying started rummaging through my head. Then the words started forming again. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. The words made a chant in my head and kept going until I could take it no more. I screamed "No! They can't be dead!" All the tears I had stored up before now began pouring down my face. Things seemed to be moving fast then everything went blurry and then my vision suddenly went dark. The next thing I knew I was falling on the floor unconscious.

*Moved to Novels section, at author's request*

Aloha! Tis' Jessica! And I'm here to review this wonderful piece of yours. By the way, welcome to Young Writers Society!

"Are you Cassandra Emerson?" the nurse on the other line asked. You see, you have to start with something that really pulls the reader in!
"Yes," I replied puzzled.
"There has been an accident and Abigail Peterson, Brianna Hanson, and Daisy Teschler are in the emergency room. Do you know them?" the nurse replied. Realize that you just introduced 5 characters in a small amount of time... it's confusing.
"They are my 3 best friends in the world of course I know them!" I yelled into my cellphone.
After a moments pause the nurse responded again,"Well they are in the emergency room and their parents have requested that you be here." The nurse said "here" she is not in the emergency room though from what I've read. : )
"O.k. I'll be there right away." I always though it was okay, but I may be wrong.I replied to the nurse.I quickly grabbed my jacket and slipped on my tennis shoes.
"Dad there has been an emergency at the hospital; meet me there fast." I said already out the door.

Once in my car I slipped the key in the ignition and started the car. The sound of the ignition roared to life as I pulled out of the driveway and on the street. Not worrying about my safety I stomped on the gas pedal and sped to the hospital. On the highway I might as well been confused as a drunk driver. I zoomed in and out of each lane going as fast as my instincts would let me. I was given many honks, shouts, and middle fingers by the other drivers but I didn't care. My only intentions at the moment were getting to the hospital and that was exactly what I was going to do. Hmm this was a little fast. Try and space this out a little. If there's other drivers and she's on a highway, she should care about the driving cause I'm sure she doesn't want to end up in the hospital that way. And yeah, I realize these are her BFFs but still, you know?

10 minutes later

I pushed open the heavy hospital door and a wave of grief struck me. I saw Abby, Brianna, and Daisy's parents sitting in the waiting chairs with their shoulder's shaking up and down and tears streaming down their face. I couldn't bear myself to ask what happened and I didn't want to hear a doctor give me a pessimistic outcome so I just stood where I was mute and melancholic. Seconds turned into minutes and I could feel many people's eyes lurking on me. I was certain I had been standing there for at least half and hour but my watch told me I was only there for 3 minutes. Cassie just go to the front desk and ask. You've been standing there for long enough, I thought to myself. My little pep talk to myself seemed to work, because I started inching my way to the front desk. I could hear my heart beat pounding in my ears, and my neon green checkered vans thumping against the cold marble floor. If their parents requested her to be there, why didn't they talk to her, wave or show some sort of greeting?

Once at the front door I ran the bell and a blond pale nurse in light green scrubs looked up at me. "How may I help you?" 'she asked with light sweet American accent.
"Ummm I'm here for Abigail Peterson, Brianna Hanson, and Daisy Teschler," I mumbled.
"Sure let me page their Doctor," the nurse said.
"Thanks," I responded.
I waited at the front desk took out the office phone dialed a few numbers, said something I couldn't understand, and then hung up the phone. In a matter of seconds a tall,slender, muscular doctor with dark brown hair hazel colored eyes approached me. Even in my state of grief I could still notice how amazingly attractive he was. "Cassandra Emerson?" He questioned standing inches away from me.
"Yeah, but you can call me Cassie." I said my cheeks turning a strawberry red.
"O.k. Cassie I have some mildly good news and some bad news," the doctor replied his voice slow and steady. Before I could say anything he continued talking again. "The mildly good news is Your friends Abigail Peterson and Daisy Teschler were in the crash and received a lot of impact but have still survived. They have been taken in to surgery and are being operated on right now. "
"What about Brianna! Is she okay can I go see her," I frantically replied. Question marks : )
"Well that's where we get to the bad part. You see when your friends were driving there was a drunk driver driving on the same side of the road in the opposite direction. In attempt to move out of the way your friend that was driving made a sharp turn that resulted in the car flipping over. Unfortunately in addition to that the drunk driver hit their car causing an even greater impact. Your friend Brianna Harrison was dead before she got to the emergency room. I'm so sorry." Who said it? The very handsome doctor, the nurse, Fred? Yeah, the handsome doctor. Just kidding with ya. : )

Anyway, wonderful piece of potential. I think it's perfect size with a little suspense. It's good. You sound so amazing! Keep writing! And PM me if you want me to review anything or if you have any questions! : D

- Jessica

Thanks for the review it really helped
-lilgreendots

lilgreendots wrote:This is my first story on YWS so PLEASE tell me what you think, and I don't mind harsh edits (it makes me a better writer). And also I was wondering if this should be longer or shorter or if this is a good size?


Ring, Ring. I grabbed my cell phone on my bed, flipped it open and with my, a cheerful tone said "Hello." After hearing what the person on the other line said my cheerfulness was gone and a wave of panic came across me. After hanging up the phone I frantically grabbed my jacket slipped on my tennis shoes and was out the door. This whole sentence need to be reworded, it’s hard to read it. Try something along the lines of this:
I grabbed my cell phone from my bed, flipped it open, and greeted whoever was calling in a cheerful tone. Only after hearing who the person on the other end of the line was, my cheerfulness was gone, and a wave of pain came through me.


Once in my car, I slipped the key in the ignition and started the car. Repetition of the word car, then again with ignition. Try something else. The sound of the ignition roared to life as I pulled out of the driveway and on the street. Not worrying about my safety I stomped on the gas pedal and sped to the hospital. Once on the highway, I zoomed in and out of each lane cutting off many drivers. It was when I almost collided with another car, that I realized how fast and dangerous I was driving. Cassie, slow down, or you're going to be in the hospital with Abby, Brianna and Daisy. Slowing down the car by more than 30 miles, I turned on the radio, cracked down the windows, and calmly drove to the hospital. While driving to the hospital I replayed the conversation I had with the nurse

"Are you Cassandra Emerson?" the nurse on the other line had asked me.
"Yes," I replied, puzzled.
"There has been an accident and Abigail Peterson, Brianna Hanson, and Daisy Teschler are in the emergency room. Do you know them?" the nurse said
"They are my three best friends in the world, of course I know them!" I had yelled into my cellphone.
After a moments pause the nurse sighed and said, "Well they are in the emergency room and their parents have requested that you be here."
"O.k. I'll be there right away." I said to the nurse.

10 minutes later

I pushed open the heavy hospital door and a wave of grief struck me. I saw Abby, Brianna and Daisy's parents sitting in the waiting chairs, with their shoulder's shaking up and down and tears streaming down their face. I couldn't bear myself to ask what happened, and I didn't want to hear a doctor give me a pessimistic outcome so I just stood where I was mute and melancholic. New paragraph
Seconds turned into minutes and I could feel many people's eyes lurking on me. I was certain I had been standing there for at least half an hour, but my watch told me I was only there for 3 minutes. Cassie just go to the front desk and ask. You've been standing there for long enough. I thought to myself.My little pep talk to myself seemed to work, because I started inching my way to the front desk. I could hear my heart beat pounding in my ears, and my neon green checkered vans thumping against the cold, marble floor.

Once at the front door, I rang the bell and a blond pale nurse in light green scrubs looked up at me. "How may I help you?" 'she asked with light sweet American accent.
"Ummm I'm here for Abigail Peterson, Brianna Hanson, and Daisy Teschler," I mumbled.
"Sure let me page their Doctor," the nurse said.
"Thanks," I responded.
I waited at the front desk, took out the office phone dialed a few numbers, said something I couldn't understand, and then hung up the phone. In a matter of seconds a tall, slender, muscular doctor with dark brown andhair hazel colored eyes approached me. Even in my state of grief I could still notice how amazingly attractive he was. "Cassandra Emerson?" He questioned, standing inches away from me.
"Yeah, but you can call me Cassie." I said my cheeks turning a strawberry red.
"O.k. Cassie I have some mildly good news and some bad news," the doctor replied his voice slow and steady. Before I could say anything he continued talking again. "The mildly good news is Your friends Abigail Peterson and Daisy Teschler were in the crash and received a lot of impact but have still survived. They have been taken in to surgery and are being operated on right now. "
"What about Brianna! Is she okay. Can I go see her?" I frantically replied.
"Well that's where we get to the bad part. You see when your friends were driving there was a drunk driver driving on the same side of the road in the opposite direction. In attempt to move out of the way your friend that was driving made a sharp turn that resulted in the car flipping over. Unfortunately in addition to that the drunk driver hit their car causing an even greater impact. Your friend Brianna Harrison was dead before she got to the emergency room. I'm so sorry."

Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. Love this part! Those were the only words my brain could think of. The doctor crept away and I waited for the waterfall of tears to stream down my face. The tears didn't form and instead I stood where I was motionless, dismal, and almost as lifeless as Brianna. My feet were glued to the floor and the only part of my body that was moving were my eyes. I looked left, right, up and down scanning the nurses working and the people crying over their dead family and friends. It wasn't until a doctor approached Abby and Daisy's parents that my heart began pumping rapidly. I couldn't utter a word but in my head a million thoughts were going on at once. What is he going to tell them? Are Abby and Daisy alive? Did I loose my other two best friends? I watched as the doctor sat down with Mr. and Mrs.Peterson and Mr.and Mrs. Teschler. I waited for that sigh of relief that would tell me Abby and Daisy were alive, but instead I got the exact opposite. Mrs. Peterson clamped her hand over her mouth and Mrs. Teschler buried her face in her husbands shoulder.

I stared at the Harrisons, Petersons, and Teschlers struck with grief and crying until I could take it no more. I closed my eyes, escaping from the hospital, and into the happiest time of my life; earlier today. This morning was the start of my sixteenth birthday, what I thought was going to be the best day of my life. My father arranged for me to have my dream birthday at Harbor Beach Fort Lauderdale Resort and Spa, the place he owned. After Abby Brianna, and Daisy spent the night at my house we woke up and did the thing we all love: Jet Skiing. Riding the jet skis on the clear, blue ocean water had already made my day. After that things got even better because, we were treated with massages, manicures, pedicures and mud baths at the spa. Then we hung out at the beach until my friends blindfolded me and took me to the surprise birthday party that they and my dad had been planning for weeks. After one in the morning, when the party was over and I finished opening the millions of presents I got, my Abby, Brianna, and Daisy left and went home. Everything was perfect and this was the best day of my life, until I received that phone call from the hospital.

When I opened my eyes I saw Mr. Harrison and Mr. Teschler signaling for me to join them. I wanted to go and join the family of my now dead best friends, but I couldn't. My feet didn't have the will power to move and little beads of sweat that were trickling down my face. Once again, I became lifeless and I could only think of four words. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. The words flowed through my head making a tune. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. I was starting to panic when sharp, vivid pictures of Abby, Brianna, and Daisy dying started rummaging through my head. Then the words started forming again. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. When you say it in this paragraph, I think it should be italisized.The words made a chant in my head and kept going until I could take it no more. I screamed "No! They can't be dead!" All the tears I had stored up before now began pouring down my face. Things seemed to be moving fast then everything went blurry and then my vision suddenly went dark. The next thing I knew I was falling on the floor unconscious.

I pointed out a few grammar mistakes there, I'm going to talk about character now. Right now, Cassandra seems very realistic. She is devastated of her friends deaths' and the way you've put that is great. Like the way she speaks and how she reacted. Nice showing and not telling , by the way. You kept her personality consistent throughout, and I think a few readers could relate to her in the way that she is.
There wasn't a point in this story where I didn't want to read anymore. I really wanted to know what was going to happen, and how everyone takes it. I enjoy this genre, and your wording was very suitable for it. It worked for me and I'm sure quite a few others!

PM me with the next part!

*Taffy*

Hey Dots!

Okay, so you said you liked harsh edits? Hopefully I'm not too harsh!

I got this far before I became disinterested in the story:

Ring, Ring. I grabbed my cell phone on my bed, flipped it open and with my, a cheerful tone said "Hello." After hearing what the person on the other line said my cheerfulness was gone and a wave of panic came across me. After hanging up the phone I frantically grabbed my jacket slipped on my tennis shoes and was out the door.

I suppose I should be wondering, "Oh my gosh, what did the person say?" But I didn't. I didn't care at that point... why should I? I don't know the characters, I don't know what's going on, and from the narrative, it is clear that you want me to wonder about what this story is about rather than how this story will continue. So, you're not willing to tell me what is happening and to let me immerse myself into the story. Not good.

I would rather you do something like this:

Ring, Ring. I grabbed my cell phone on my bed, flipped it open and with my, a cheerful tone said "Hello." After hearing what the person on the other line said my cheerfulness was gone and a wave of panic came across me.
"Are you Cassandra Emerson?" a woman on the other line had asked me.
"Yes," I replied puzzled.
"There has been an accident and Abigail Peterson, Brianna Hanson, and Daisy Teschler are in the emergency room. Do you know them?" the nurse said
"They are my 3 best friends in the world of course I know them!" I had yelled into my cellphone.
After a moments pause the nurse sighed and said, "Well they are in the emergency room and their parents have requested that you be here."
"O.k. I'll be there right away." I said to the nurse.

Though even that would need to be extensively edited to be catchier.

Anyway, I did read on though, mostly because if I just gave you the above critique, you would probably gouge my eyes out. And besides, it wouldn't help you with anything else, would it? XD

Now, after cleaning up the hook and making us wonder what is going to happen next, rather than what the story is supposed to be about, you're going to want to work on making things make sense.

Several things that DIDN'T make sense:

She lives in Florda... why would she describe a woman's accent as "American"? In fact... what is an American accent? It varies from region to region, really.

She just turned 16 today... and already she can drive? I find that hard to believe. You can't get a Class E license in Florida until you turn 16, and she hasn't been to the DMV yet. Which is completely understandable because I am pretty sure that it would be a pretty boring birthday if she filed paperwork and stood in line all day. Still, if anything, she probably only has a Learner's Permit. She has a lot more paperwork to do. She can possibly drive without a license, yes, but if she gets a ticket, she can jeopardize her chance of getting a license at all. Why would she drive recklessly? And, she could get in a lot of trouble if someone is with her in the car. They have plenty of restrictive rules for underage drivers, even if you do have your license.

She was able to escape the house unnoticed, and take the car with no problem?

For that matter, why would the parents of the other girls want her right there this moment at all? They know she can't drive without a parent. It's ridiculously early in the morning. Also, she is the reason why their daughters were out at all that night. They would probably lash out at her for doing this to their daughters. Does that make sense? Not really. But grief doesn't make sense.

Also... I thought this was early in the morning? Traffic is notoriously light this early in the morning. Why is she cutting through all this traffic? For that matter, where IS this traffic?

The doctor tells her what the statuses of her friends are? Doctors don't do that. For one, there is a confidentiality thing -- doctors can get sued for releasing medical information of other people. It's more likely that the parents would tell her. For another, the hospital is probably an ER, seeing how early it is in the morning. And, depressingly enough, there are a lot of desperate people who come here at this time. The doctors would probably be swamped. They couldn't stop and talk with someone who could sue them.

Also, it's unlikely that the nurse would call. It's more likely the parents of her friends would. Again, the staff is swamped.

Also, an inconsistency: at first, only one best friend is dead. Then Cassie says that all best friends are dead. What?

Amazingly hot or not, she would probably notice that that this doctor is hot afterward. He's probably very tired. Doctors who work in the ER generally are, and the fluorescent lights don't help make him look better. It's usually at day where they look better.

So yeah. There's a bunch of things that made me squint at. See if you can straighten that out.

Also! Punctuation! Don't forget it! It's highly important!

Ring, Ring. I grabbed my cell phone on my bed, flipped it open and with my, a cheerful tone (my, a cheerful? Shouldn't this be something like 'and with a cheerful tone', or 'and with my cheerful tone'? said "Hello." After hearing what the person on the other line said, my cheerfulness (Um, try a different word...'Cheer' is too repetitive, and I didn't even know cheerfulness is a word. If it is.) was gone and a wave of panic came across me. After (It wouldn't hurt to change this, right after the other sentence it's a little repetitive.) hanging up the phone I frantically grabbed my jacket slipped on my tennis shoes and was out the door.
It wasn't all that bad, but I'd try re-doing this first part. It's...it could be better.

Once in my car I slipped the key in the ignition and started the car. The sound of the ignition (shouldn't this be engine?) roared to life as I pulled out of the driveway and on the street. Not worrying about my safety I stomped on the gas pedal and sped to the hospital. Once on the highway I zoomed in and out of each lane cutting off many drivers. It was when I almost collided with another car that I realized how fast and dangerous I was driving. Cassie slow down or you're going to be in the hospital with Abby, Brianna, and Daisy (It's a thought, right? Try making thoughts separate with italics or quotations.). Slowing down the car by more than 30 miles, I turned on the radio, cracked down the window13412s and calmly drove to the hospital. While driving to the hospital I replayed the conversation I had with the nurse

"Are you Cassandra Emerson?" the nurse on the other line had asked me.
"Yes," I replied puzzled.
"There has been an accident and Abigail Peterson, Brianna Hanson, and Daisy Teschler are in the emergency room. Do you know them?" the nurse said.
"They are my 3 best friends in the world (Try a comma here, or making two sentences. Ex: 'in the world, of course I', or 'in the world! Of course I') of course I know them!" I had yelled into my cellphone.
After a moments pause the nurse sighed and said "Well they are in the emergency room and their parents have requested that you be here."
"O.k. I'll be there right away." I said to the nurse.

10 minutes later

I pushed open the heavy hospital door and a wave of grief struck me. I saw Abby, Brianna, and Daisy's parents sitting in the waiting chairs with their shoulder's shaking up and down and tears streaming down their face. I couldn't bear myself to ask what happened and I didn't want to hear a doctor give me a pessimistic outcome so I just stood where I was, mute and melancholic. Seconds turned into minutes and I could feel many people's eyes lurking on me. I was certain I had been standing there for at least half and hour but my watch told me I was only there for 3 minutes. Cassie just go to the front desk and ask. You've been standing there for long enough, I thought to myself. My little pep talk to myself seemed to work, because I started inching my way to the front desk. I could hear my heart beat pounding in my ears, and my neon green checkered vans thumping against the cold marble floor.

Once at the front door I ran the bell and a blond pale nurse in light green scrubs looked up at me. "How may I help you?" she asked with light sweet American accent.
"Ummm I'm here for Abigail Peterson, Brianna Hanson, and Daisy Teschler," I mumbled.
"Sure let me page their Doctor," the nurse said.
"Thanks," I responded.
I waited at the front desk took out the office phone dialed a few numbers, said something I couldn't understand, and then hung up the phone. In a matter of seconds a tall, slender, muscular doctor with dark brown hairand hazel colored eyes approached me. Even in my state of grief I could still notice how amazingly attractive he was. "Cassandra Emerson?" he questioned standing inches away from me.
"Yeah, but you can call me Cassie." I said my cheeks turning a strawberry red.
"O.k. Cassie I have some mildly good news and some bad news," the doctor replied his voice slow and steady. Before I could say anything he continued talking again. "The mildly good news is Your friends Abigail Peterson and Daisy Teschler were in the crash and received a lot of impact but have still survived. They have been taken in to surgery and are being operated on right now. "
"What about Brianna! Is she okay can I go see her?" I frantically replied.
"Well that's where we get to the bad part. You see when your friends were driving there was a drunk driver driving on the same side of the road in the opposite direction. In attempt to move out of the way your friend that was driving made a sharp turn that resulted in the car flipping over. Unfortunately in addition to that the drunk driver hit their car causing an even greater impact. Your friend Brianna Harrison was dead before she got to the emergency room. I'm so sorry."

Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. Those were the only words my brain could think of. The doctor crept away and I waited for the waterfall of tears to stream down my face. The tears didn't form and instead I stood where I was motionless, dismal, and almost as lifeless as Brianna. My feet were glued to the floor and the only part of my body that was moving were my eyes. I looked left, right, up, and down scanning the nurses working and the people crying over their dead family and friends. It wasn't until a doctor approached Abby and Daisy's parents that my heart began pumping rapidly. I couldn't utter a word but in my head a million thoughts were going on at once. What is he going to tell them. Are Abby and Daisy alive. Did I loose my other two best friends. I watched as the doctor sat down with Mr. and Mrs.Peterson and Mr.and Mrs. Teschler. I waited for that sigh of relief that would tell me Abby and Daisy were alive, but instead I got the exact opposite. Mrs. Peterson clamped her hand over her mouth and Mrs. Teschler buried her face in her husbands shoulder.

I stared at the Harrisons, Petersons, and Teschlers struck with grief and crying until I could take it no more. I closed my eyes, escaping from the hospital, and into the happiest time of my life;earlier today. This morning was the start of my sixteenth birthday, what I thought was going to be the best day of my life. My father arranged for me to have my dream birthday at Harbor Beach Fort Lauderdale Resort and Spa, the place he owned. After Abby Brianna, and Daisy spent the night at my house we woke up and did the thing we all love: Jet Skiing. Riding the jet skis on the clear, blue ocean water had already made my day. After that things got even better because we were treated with massages, manicures, pedicures, and mud baths at the spa. Then we hung out at the beach until my friends blindfolded me and took me to the surprise birthday party that they and my dad had been planning for weeks. After one in the morning when the party was over and I finished opening the millions of presents I got, my Abby, Brianna, and Daisy left and went home. Everything was perfect and this was the best day of my life, until I received that phone call from the hospital.

When I opened my eyes I saw Mr. Harrison and Mr. Teschler signaling for me to join them. I wanted to go and join the family of my now dead best friends, but I couldn't. My feet didn't have the will power to move and little beads of sweat were trickling down my face. Once again I became lifeless and I could only think of four words. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. The words flowed through my head making a tune. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. I was starting to panic when sharp, vivid pictures of Abby, Brianna, and Daisy dying started rummaging through my head. Then the words started forming again. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. The words made a chant in my head and kept going until I could take it no more. I screamed "No! They can't be dead!" All the tears I had stored up before now began pouring down my face. Things seemed to be moving fast then everything went blurry and then my vision suddenly went dark. The next thing I knew I was falling on the floor unconscious.

Okay then, that was really good! Some things got a little repetitive, but it was good. I want to know what the rest of this is about! The novel, I mean. If this is going to be an adventure/action/thriller/etc, I'd try to make the beginning a little bit more exciting. But overall it was good! I had a few nitpicks, but I almost always do! Message me when you write more, I'll read it.

Alright, so, overall this is pretty good. There were a few errors here and there, but I'm not going to highlight them all, as it seems like it's already been taken care of. xD

I just wanted to make a few basic points here:

-Thoughts and things that your character reads should be in italics.
-There were a few proper nouns (brand-names mostly) that needed to be capitalized.
-A few of the sentences were a little choppy, though this wasn't too too bad.


Other than that, I have nothing much more to say. (Everybody else got to it first!)

I like the plot line, and there are some good descriptions in here. Keep up the good work and thanks for the read. xD

Bold will be my comments/fixes.


Ring, Ring.Italics look better I grabbed my cell phone on my bed, flipped it open and with my,no comma, I think. a cheerful tone said "Hello." After hearing what the person on the other line said my cheerfulness was gone and a wave of panic came across me. After hanging up the phone I frantically grabbed my jacket slipped on my tennis shoes and was out the door

Once in my car I slipped the key in the ignition and started the car. The sound of the ignition roared to life as I pulled out of the driveway and on the street. Not worrying about my safety I stomped on the gas pedal and sped to the hospital. Once on the highway I zoomed in and out of each lane cutting of many drivers. It was when I almost collided with another car that I realized how fast and dangerous I was driving. Cassie slow down or you're going to be in the hospital with Abby, Brianna, and Daisy. Slowing down the car by more than 30 miles, I turned on the radio, cracked down the windows and calmly drove to the hospital. While driving to the hospital I replayed the conversation I had with the nurse.

"Are you Cassandra Emerson?" the nurse on the other line had asked me.
"Yes," I replied puzzled.
"There has been an accident and Abigail Peterson, Brianna Hanson, and Daisy Teschler are in the emergency room. Do you know them?" the nurse said
"They are my 3 best friends in the world of course I know them!" I had yelled into my cellphone.
After a moments pause the nurse sighed and said"Well they are in the emergency room and their parents have requested that you be here."
"O.k. I'll be there right away." I said to the nurse.

10 minutes later

I pushed open the heavy hospital door and a wave of grief struck me. I saw Abby, Brianna, and Daisy's parents sitting in the waiting chairs with their shoulder's shaking up and down and tears streaming down their face. I couldn't bear myself to ask what happened and I didn't want to hear a doctor give me a pessimistic outcome so I just stood where I was, mute and melancholic. Seconds turned into minutes and I could feel many people's eyes lurking on me. I was certain I had been standing there for at least half and hour but my watch told me I was only there for 3 minutes. Cassie just go to the front desk and ask. You've been standing there for long enough, I thought to myself. My little pep talk to myself seemed to work, because I started inching my way to the front desk. I could hear my heart beat pounding in my ears, and my neon green checkered vans thumping against the cold marble floor.

Once at the front door I ran the bell and a blond pale nurse in light green scrubs looked up at me. "How may I help you?" no ''she asked with light, sweet Alower case american accent.
"Ummm I'm here for Abigail Peterson, Brianna Hanson, and Daisy Teschler," I mumbled.
"Sure, let me page their Doctor," the nurse said.
"Thanks," I responded.
I waited at the front deskand [or] , took out the office phone dialed a few numbers, said something I couldn't understand, and then hung up the phone. In a matter of seconds a tall,slender, muscular doctor with dark brown hair hazel colored eyes approached me. Even in my state of grief I could still notice how amazingly attractive he was. "Cassandra Emerson?" He questioned standing inches away from me.
"Yeah, but you can call me Cassie." I said my cheeks turning a strawberry red.
"O.k. Cassie I have some mildly good news and some bad news," the doctor replied his voice slow and steady. Before I could say anything he continued talking again. "The mildly good news is Your friends Abigail Peterson and Daisy Teschler were in the crash and received a lot of impact but have still survived. They have been taken in to surgery and are being operated on right now. "
"What about Brianna! Is she okay can I go see her?" I frantically replied.
"Well that's where we get to the bad part. You see when your friends were driving there was a drunk driver driving on the same side of the road in the opposite direction. In attempt to move out of the way your friend that was driving made a sharp turn that resulted in the car flipping over. Unfortunately in addition to that the drunk driver hit their car causing an even greater impact. Your friend Brianna Harrison was dead before she got to the emergency room. I'm so sorry."

Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. I like the impression you giveThose were the only words my brain could think of. The doctor crept away and I waited for the waterfall of tears to stream down my face. The tears didn't form and instead I stood where I was motionless, dismal, and almost as lifeless as Brianna. My feet were glued to the floor and the only part of my body that was moving were my eyes. I looked left, right, up, and down scanning the nurses working and the people crying over their dead family and friends. It wasn't until a doctor approached Abby and Daisy's parents that my heart began pumping rapidly. I couldn't utter a word but in my head a million thoughts were going on at once. What is he going to tell them. Are Abby and Daisy alive.? Did I loose my other two best friends.? I watched as the doctor sat down with Mr. and Mrs.Peterson and Mr.and Mrs. Teschler. I waited for that sigh of relief that would tell me Abby and Daisy were alive, but instead I got the exact opposite. Mrs. Peterson clamped her hand over her mouth and Mrs. Teschler buried her face in her husbands shoulder.

I stared at the Harrisons, Petersons, and Teschlers struck with grief and crying until I could take it no more. I closed my eyes, escaping from the hospital, and into the happiest time of my life; earlier today. This morning was the start of my sixteenth birthday, what I thought was going to be the best day of my life. My father arranged for me to have my dream birthday at Harbor Beach Fort Lauderdale Resort and Spa, the place he owned. After Abby, Brianna, and Daisy spent the night at my house we woke up and did the thing we all love:Jet Skiing. Riding the jet skis Yeah, riding jet skis is jet skiing. A bit repeatative.on the clear, blue ocean water had already made my day. After that things got even better because we were treated with massages, manicures, pedicures, and mud baths at the spa. Then we hung out at the beach until my friends blindfolded me and took me to the surprise birthday party that they and my dad had been planning for weeks. After one in the morning when the party was over and I finished opening the millions of presents I got, my Abby, Brianna, and Daisy left and went home. Everything was perfect and this was the best day of my life, until I received that phone call from the hospital.

When I opened my eyes I saw Mr. Harrison and Mr. Teschler signaling for me to join them. I wanted to go and join the family of my now dead best friends, but I couldn't. My feet didn't have the will power to move and little beads of sweat were trickling down my face. Once again I became lifeless and I could only think of four words. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. The words flowed through my head making a tune. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. I was starting to panic when sharp, vivid pictures of Abby, Brianna, and Daisy dying started rummaging through my head. Then the words started forming again. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. Dead. Deceased. Lifeless. Gone. The words made a chant in my head and kept going until I could take it no more. I screamed "No! They can't be dead!" All the tears I had stored up before now began pouring down my face. Things seemed to be moving fast then everything went blurry and then my vision suddenly went dark. The next thing I knew I was falling on the floor unconscious.



Overall: Arg! I hate cliffhangers! But this is a very sad and good story.You are a very talented writer. Keep writing!


P.S: I didn't mean to sound rude, if I did. Sorry!