Aimée

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The girl screamed into the gag as the knife shot through the scratchy fabric millimetres from her face. A pair of tanned, muscular hands made their way into the hole and ripped away the sack. Fresh air and light flooded her senses. Despite the rope around her wrists and ankles, she shuddered with relief and the sheer beauty of being alive.

One tanned hand grabbed her by the throat and shoved he up against a tree. She whimpered and squirmed, eyes flickering around the brightly lit forest. The man the hands were attached was only average height, but large with muscle, not fat. He stepped back and looked her up and down, then pulled out a dagger. The girl squeezed closed her eyes, praying that she'd soon wake up. She felt him move closer.

The gag was roughly cut away from her mouth. She let out a dry, dusty breath, then gasped one in.

"How old are you, girl?" the man asked in Italian-accented English.

She squinted up at, struggling to recall ten years of English lessons. "Quinze... Fifteen. Quindici," she added for good measure.

He nodded. "I have a daughter."

Slowly, she nodded back and tentatively smiled.

"She's only eight though," he added gruffly. She stopped smiling and nodded faster - some kind of insane reflex.

He dropped the knife to his side. "Questo non è giusto," he muttered.

The girl was frozen.

He let go of her neck. She slumped to the ground. He crouched beside her and waved the knife in her face. "You know who I am?"

He nodded.

"Speak, girl!"

"Yes!" she gasped. "YesIknowwhoyouam!"

He leaned back looking satisfied. "Bene. You know who hired me?"

Again she nodded. "Lucia?" Who else?

He smiled. "Your inheritance. She wants it, so bad."

A tear slipped down her cheek.

His smile disappeared. "You know what I do?"

A full-blown sob escaped this time. "Oui."

"Non è giusto." He stood up. "Say I let you go. You run away. You disappear. Quietly. You know it is good to do this, si?"

More nodding. "Si. Si. Yes. Oui."

"Because you've heard of me. And you know that if I decide to find you, and finish the job properly, next time I won't hesitate. Next time..."

He lay the knife flat across her chest.

"... I cut your heart out and send it to your family. Like I was paid to do. Capito?"

"Oui! Yes! Si!"

He smiled. The sun was setting. He flipped her onto her stomach. For a second she froze up again with terror, then he cut loose her bonds. She collapsed, sobbing.

The man straightened up. "The highway's south."

She felt something soft and heavy drop onto her back. She could do nothing but shake.

He walked off without his coat, taking the sack and useless pieces of cloth with him. "Io sono un uomo buono." he muttered. I'm a good man.

The girl lay crying as icy darkness conquered the forest.

You might have guessed I've only had one years lessons in Italian and French and Google Translate to help me! Anyway, if you speak these languages better than me and you have better suggestions for translations. Aaaaand you also might've guessed this is going to be based on a very common fairy tale...
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.-Japanese Proverb




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I enjoyed reading this quite a bit. I realize it is unfinished and you will probably want to edit it, making sure the French and Italian are correct, grammar things and whatnot, but the first sentence really caught my attention. It was intriguing and I hope you continue on with the story, I want to find out about Aimee's past and what she plans on doing. Just be sure to go back and edit what you have to make things easier to read, I did have to go back and re-read a few lines, but other than that this is quite interesting.




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I liked this and have read the second one which I liked as well. Your good at what you do but could you eventually bring the hit-man back into the story? The internal conflict would add more to what is turning into a great story. Please continue.
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Wheadee
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The introduction paragraph really captures the reader’s attention well. Good job there. As for the use of foreign language, good job, it seems authentic. I’m guessing you’ll be using Cinderella as the fairytale you’re copying, that’s my favorite next to The Little Mermaid. It seems as though copying old fairytales and updating them is in fashion now, I hope you do a great job with this one; I wouldn’t want to see a classic ruined. But no pressure though. A little advise here would be to be a little more descriptive, perhaps add a background or have her talk about how she got there and what the last thing she remembered was. Just suggesting.

Wheadee




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First of all! I have never known a forest to be brightly lit. So you may want to change that!

Second of all, HOLY CRAP. That was intense! I mainly wanted to check this out, just because I've seen you reviewing around the site (yay, you're awesome!) but then I saw this and it made me squirm. And laugh at times. And be anxious. So you're really quite good! I am definitely going to check out the next part... AND HARASS YOU INTO WRITING MORE. :D

Also, I said "laugh." It's more like nervous laughter, but remember when he was like, "I have a daughter" *giggle of relief* "She's not your age." Oh crap!

And you adapting this fairy tale to your own ends? I fully approve.

So yeah. Really good stuff here! Keep it up, lovely! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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This was not what I expected after reading the first sentence. But of course, your intro was perfect. The way the main character barely speaks, makes you want to continue reading to find out what she's going to do. This had a very good setup. Great job!



I'm getting nachos~
— BluesClues