old poem

This is something I wrote two years ago. It was a blog, but I decided to experiment and see if it would work as a poem:

I can't believe I did something so stupid.
I jeopardized my friendship, for what?
an apology?
"I'm sorry for you,"
you said,
"but I like the way things turned out,
it's too bad you don't feel the same way"
I can't believe you are so blind,
you were the first and only choice my heart made,
I don't know why I didn't listen.
I knew I couldn't have you both,
I made the wrong decision.
I wanted you.
I needed you.
But you weren't there when it mattered,
so I just turned to the next best thing,
settled for the next best thing.
I should have given all I had to you.
Now I only have one thing to say.
I'm sorry,
for myself,
that you don't feel the same way.

(A/N: By the way, the parts that rhymed were completely unintentional, I didn't even notice them until today. Also, some lines were omitted for clarity and overall flow)

Hey, hobbit!

I'm not sure... one of the bad parts about putting a blog into poetry is that blogs are essentially passionate rants that don't necessarily make sense... and when you put them in poem form, they kind of shrivel up and die. I don't mean that this is bad, but there's parts of it that don't really withstand a thorough reading. Like, "I can't believe you are so blind." But none of the description actually imply that he is blind to the situation or her feelings. In fact, he shows a sympathy to her feelings, seeing as he tells her that he wishes that she felt differently. He understands her. It's her that seems to be blind to the situation. So it's kind of ironic, I guess, but I don't think that is what you're aiming for here. In fact, I would venture to say that you're not saying what you want to say. So think about it and play around with the words. It'll come out.

Try focusing on what this means:

But you weren't there when it mattered,
so I just turned to the next best thing,

I think that might be a better direction for you.

I agree with Snoink. The rantiness of blogs don't come off well in poetry for the simple reason that they don't go much further than the basic feelings we endure. And often, these are angsty and not really worthy putting into poetry.

It also seems to me as if that parts that could have made this interesting have been omitted when they could have been useful - for example, as a blog, we usually gain a greater insight into a story than just the emotions. Perhaps not as far as names, but the actual event that triggered the response from the writer. Having ignored these details, the poem has become vague and unoriginal. It's just another of those that seem to say, "Hey, I'm lonely, I need you, come help me." Which is boring.

I'd recommend rewriting this in a way so that it doesn't just come off as a self-indulgent rant. Try to include the reader into your writing process - what's going to make them care about this? What, as a writer, is it that made these events significant in your own life, and how could these be better relayed to the reader in an interesting and original way? Like I said, include details. That could be a start.

Hope I helped - sorry for being so brief,
Mark