Untitled- (beginning of a story, please criticise)

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on a side note, I know this is not as good as everyone elses on here, but I'd like some good criticism. Give me all you got.

Thanks

First of all, it's very hard to read, in Word and especially on YWS. It needs to be broken up into paragraphs. I think this is partly because the lack of formatting on YWS, but still!

Also, as of now, the plot doesn't seem to go anywhere. It's very descriptive and chockful of adjectives and adverbs, but I think you need to have a little bit more action, or if not that, tension. Shorter sentences end up conveying a tense atmosphere, so I would cut down some of the adjectives and adverbs. Right now, it's very flowy, which is nice for a beginning of a middle chapter, but this is only the first chapter. You have to make people interested now.

Several ways you can do that is focus less on your surroundings and more about your character. What kind of pain is he experiencing? State it upfront instead. We humans love stories about humanity, so a sure way to get us interested is expanding the human element. Starting with what the main character is feeling is a quick way to do that. Then you can go back on his history later.

Anyway, good luck.

i actually think this story is great, it is way better than anything ive written, keep it up, and keep posting, i like it. although itcould be split up into multiple paragraphs, it would make it easier to read, you dont have to, i can still read it fine.

Thanks for your criticism everyone. I'm going to make some changes. Can someone help me with the grammar on this sentence?:

"The pause of hesitation before the deafening collision, followed by the crunch of Adrien’s shoulder and neck, then the unconscious sleep."

Word seems to have underlined it in green.

Thanks very much.

That's because it's a fragment.

Remember this sentence?

The cat ran in the rain.

You're basically saying: The cat the rain. You need a verb in there that is telling the reader what is happening in the story.

Here is the whole paragraph. Could you please tell me how I can make it better? Do I need to use a semi colon or anything?

Suddenly it all came rushing back to him. The screeching of wheels as people were thrown into windows and into each other. The pause of hesitation before the deafening collision, followed by the crunch of Adrien’s shoulder and neck, then the unconscious sleep.

Thank you for your help

First of all...does it go on? Or did you just end it there? Because if you did, that would be bad, and you most definitely need to add something.

I did like the connection/symbolism you had with the stage lights in the corridor. She is going to visit a concert pianist, after all...that really sets the mood, and makes us feel smart that we noticed something (hehe, for once).

Pretty good as far as description goes...actually, scratch that, it was really good. It didn't have a crystal clear plotline; all I could basically gather from it was that this girl was going to see some dude in the hospital. And then he ended up crying for x and y reasons. Your description was awesome- really bring that out, but add in structure and you'll be good to go.

Sam wrote:First of all...does it go on? Or did you just end it there? Because if you did, that would be bad, and you most definitely need to add something.

I did like the connection/symbolism you had with the stage lights in the corridor. She is going to visit a concert pianist, after all...that really sets the mood, and makes us feel smart that we noticed something (hehe, for once).

Pretty good as far as description goes...actually, scratch that, it was really good. It didn't have a crystal clear plotline; all I could basically gather from it was that this girl was going to see some dude in the hospital. And then he ended up crying for x and y reasons. Your description was awesome- really bring that out, but add in structure and you'll be good to go.

Yes it goes on! This is just the beginning part. Thanks for your reply I'll try and make the plot more interesting.