Annie

Thomas Pike placed a single red rose beside the mounds of other flowers that surrounded Annie Ryan’s coffin. There was a piece of crumpled paper in his hand. He had been carrying it around in his jean pocket all day, taking it out occasionally and reading through the speech that he had written on it. Thomas had never been much of a public speaker, but he felt like he had to do this and show everyone how much he had truly loved Annie.
He tightened his grip on it and rose, staring down at the girl in the coffin. Annie looked just as beautiful as she had in life. Her light brown tresses were down, and just a hint of makeup had been applied to her cheeks. Then Thomas noticed the dress; it was the same one that she had worn to senior prom just one month before. And suddenly he wasn’t in the funeral home anymore, but slow dancing with Annie while her head lay on his shoulder. Then he sighed and remembered where he was, that Annie was now dead. His eyes turned to Annie, and looked upon her eyelids. Beneath them were eyes that were a magnificent, shining gray color. He remembered the countless times that he would look into those them, dazzled. Now, they would forever be shut.
She was so beautiful that it was hard to believe how she could have met such a gruesome end. Doctors had done all they could to clean up the many stab wounds she had received.
Thomas knew he would have to get back to his seat; the ceremony was going to start very soon. Before he left, he closed his eyes and blew her a kiss. “I love you,” he whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks. He turned to find a seat in the second row, next to his parents. Mr. and Mrs. Ryan were sitting right in front of them; they were both crying softly. Mrs. Ryan’s face was buried in her husband’s chest. Annie had been their only daughter. Since the murder, the police had stopped by twice a week to update them on how the search for the murderer had been going. They still didn’t know who had done it; the only witness had just seen the killer’s shadow. Each day Thomas’s frustration had grew; anyone who would think of murdering a person like Annie deserved to rot in jail and not roam free. If he could, he’d help the police in whatever way he could to find the murderer.
The priest walked up to the podium, a bible in hand. He was a short, balding man, probably in his fifties. “We are here today to mourn the loss of Anne Elizabeth Ryan. To everyone that knew her, she was a kind and caring person, a talented individual, and a friend. Today, let us celebrate her life, for in eighteen short years she was able to lead an amazing one.” Thomas’s heart skipped a beat. He had almost forgotten that Annie was only a nickname—the only time he ever really heard her called Anne was in class at the beginning of the year when teachers took attendance for the first time or when her name was printed in programs for the school play.
And then the priest began to read Psalm twenty-three. Before this, Thomas had only heard it in the movies. And now it was real and being read for Annie. The last part, “Goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever” made his tears start to flow again.
He read a few more verses, and when he finished, he said, “And now, I think Thomas Pike wants to come up and say something?”
Thomas nodded and dried his tears, walking up to the podium shakily. The priest moved to the side and handed him the microphone. Thomas took the paper out of his hand and bit his lip, telling himself that he wouldn’t let himself cry again. His throat hurt and his stomach was tight, so he wasn’t sure how he would be able to speak. But somehow, he managed it.
“I first met Annie in seventh grade. Two months into the school year, I had moved from Virginia to here, in Connecticut. I was nervous and scared to be starting at a new school, as I’m sure anyone would be. Annie was in my first period. It was history, if I remember right. She was so kind and caring. I remember she showed me around the school and helped me find all of my classes. She talked to me and sat with me at lunch when no one else would. She-“ He began to tear up again, remembering what seventh grade had been like. He had been constantly teased and picked on, yet Annie had still remained his friend. “She loved people, and always tried to see the good in them.’ He hadn’t included this in the speech. “To her, every stranger was a friend she hadn’t met yet.
“It was before long that I had developed a crush on her. We began dating in the spring of our freshman year.”
Thomas paused. A torrent of happy memories began to flood through his mind. There was their first kiss behind the rosebushes in her backyard. There was the time they went to Six Flags for Physics class and Annie wouldn’t let him chicken out on any roller coasters. There was one upside down one that she had wanted to go on. “Come on! It will be so much fun!” she had said, laughing. After several protests, Annie had finally won and they had gone on the roller coaster. And it had been frightening, but altogether marvelous. There was also the time where he had made chocolate cake (without burning it!) for Annie’s surprise birthday party. Thinking of all of this, for a second or so, it was as if she was still alive.
Thomas felt crying again, but he pressed on. “Annie got me to try new things, like joining the drama department. She acted and I helped work on sets and props. For four years it’s been my favorite part of school, and in college I’ll be working to major in construction so that I can be an architect. Thanks to Annie, I’ve found my dream job.” He could feel his throat tightening up, and he exhaled deeply before continuing. “Every day, she came to school with a smile on her face. She was an angel in human form, and I loved her dearly.”
He paused a minute, looking at Mr. and Mrs. Ryan. They were smiling at him, soft tears flowing down their faces.
“If she was still alive, there was no doubt I would have proposed.” The last part was something he hadn’t written for the speech. As he speed-walked back to his seat, he noticed the tears of everyone there.
After the funeral there was a small gathering at the Ryan home for some of Annie’s closest family and friends. Thomas was on the couch in the living room, staring at the blank TV. The house felt oddly incomplete without her here; he would look by the door and expect her to come jolting in, a beaming smile on her face.
When he had been here before, he’d thought little of the place. Often times the only reason he was there was because he and Annie couldn’t go anywhere else or they were waiting for a ride from friends. Now he saw the house as the most beautiful place in the world. He wanted to touch every bit of furniture, sniff every scent.
He looked up and saw Mr. and Mrs. Ryan; by the looks on their faces he could tell they had been there for quite some time. They both had wine glasses in their hands and were smiling.
“Thomas,” said Mr. Ryan, “That speech you gave, it was beautiful. Annie would have loved it.”
Thomas simply nodded
. He didn’t know what to say.
Then Mrs. Ryan surprised Thomas by kneeling down and giving him a hug. “She really loved you, you know. You added so much to her life.” She stood up and looked into his eyes with a smile. “Feel free to visit us any time you want, okay? We may not have Annie anymore, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a son to us.”

Second Draft

Spoiler

Annie Ryan’s limp body was there, surrounded by roses, for all to see. Despite the torn and blood-stained bandages which covered her head and stomach, plus two linen cloths which concealed her lack of arms, she was still just as beautiful as she had been in life. No one could believe that she was dead.
Just ten days before, she had graced the stage as Maria Von Trapp in her school’s production of The Sound of Music. Almost everyone at the funeral had been to the opening performance. It had been spectacular. But afterward, Annie had never returned home.
She had been taken too soon, that was definitely certain—she was only eighteen years old and about to graduate. Her incredible talent for theater had promised her a long and successful life. On top that, her death had been so gruesome—what had Annie done to deserve such a fate? The police, who had been working tirelessly to catch who had done it, promised her parents each day that they would catch the killer and bring him to justice.
They were sitting in the front row now, and were trying as best as possible to remain calm. Annie had been their only daughter.
The last few guests dropped their bouquets beside her casket and took their seats. The ceremony was about to begin.
The priest was a short man, probably in his fifties, with balding dark brown hair. “We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Annie Elizabeth Ryan. To everyone that knew her, she was a kind and caring person, a talented individual, and a friend. On the night of May 22nd, she was brutally murdered by an unknown assassin. All of us here hope that the killer will be caught soon, so that Annie Ryan can rest in peace. But today let us also celebrate her life—for in eighteen short years she was able to lead an incredible one.’
As he began to read the traditional bible verses, Thomas Pike, sitting just behind Mr. and Mrs. Ryan, held a piece of paper unsteadily in his hands. As Annie’s boyfriend of four years, he had been one of the people who had volunteered to speak about her. Writing the speech had been incredibly difficult for him. He’d write two sentences and then burst into tears. But he had got through it, just like Thomas had kept telling himself he wouldn’t cry when reading it to everyone there.
“And now, I think Thomas Pike wants to come up and say a few words?”
Thomas nodded and arose from his seat, walking shakily up in front of the podium. He placed his speech down and began to read.
“I remember moving from Virginia to Connecticut in Seventh Grade. At school, Annie was the first person that I met. It was first period and I remember how incredibly kind she was to me. She showed me around the school and sat with me at Lunch and introduced me to all of her friends, Clara and Jen, who are just as wonderful as she is. For two years we kept up an incredible friendship, and eventually that friendship turned to love.”
Thomas paused. A torrent of memories began to flood through his mind; happy memories of their first date and kiss, the time they had went to Six Flags together and the time where he had made chocolate cake (without burning it!) for Annie’s Mrs. Ryan surprise birthday party. For a second or so, it was as if she was still alive. Thomas felt crying, but he pressed on.
“We started dating freshman year, the year that everything changed for me. Annie got me to try new things, like joining the drama department. She acted and I helped work on sets and props. For four years it’s been my favorite part of school, and in college I’ll be working to major in construction so that I can be an architect. Thanks to Annie, I’ve found my dream job. Each day Annie had came into school with a smile on her face and endless optimism. She was truly an angel in human form. There is no doubt that I would eventually have proposed. Whoever would think of taking a girl like Annie of this planet is cold and cruel, and I hope that they will be caught and brought to justice.” Thomas took the paper and crumpled it up, speed-walking back to his seat.
Everyone had soft tears flowing down their cheeks.

First Draft:

Spoiler

AN: An experiment in flash-fiction! Enjoy, and do rip to shreds. I might want to expand on this idea.

Annie Ryan’s limp body was there, surrounded by roses, for all to see. Despite the gruesome bandages which covered her head and stomach, plus two linen cloths which concealed her lack of arms, she was still just as beautiful as she had been in life. No one could believe that she was dead. Just ten days before, she had graced the stage as Maria Von Trapp in her school’s production of The Sound of Music. She was eighteen years old, about to graduate, and full of incredible talent. She had been taken too soon, that was definitely certain. And her death had been so gruesome—what had Annie done to deserve such a fate? The police, who had been working tirelessly to catch who did, promised her parents that they would catch the killer and bring him to justice. They were sitting in the front row now, and were trying as best as possible to remain calm. Annie had been their only daughter.
The last few guests dropped their bouquets beside her casket and took their seats. The ceremony was about to begin.
The priest was a short man, probably in his fifties, with balding dark brown hair. “We are today to mourn the loss of Annie Ryan. To everyone that knew her, she was a kind and caring person, a talented individual, and a friend.”
As he began to read the traditional bible verses, Thomas Pike, sitting just behind Mr. and Mrs. Ryan, held a piece of paper unsteadily in his hands. As Annie’s boyfriend of four years, he had been one of the people who had been one of the people who had volunteered to speak about her. Writing the speech had been incredibly difficult for him. He’d write two sentences and then start bursting into tears. But he had got through it, just like Thomas had kept telling himself he wouldn’t cry when reading it to everyone there.
“And now, I think Thomas Pike wants to come up and say a few words?”
Thomas nodded and arose from his seat, walking shakily up in front of the podium. He placed his speech down and began to read.
“I moved to Connecticut from Virginia just before eighth grade had started. I met Annie during first period. She helped me find my way around the school, and was always there for me. We started dating freshman year, and I remember how she got me to try bungee jumping and drama and everything I wouldn’t touch before. She was always so full of energy and had a smile on her face every single day. My favorite thing about Annie, however, is that she did everything she could to make the lives of her fellow classmates better. She tutored kids after school and was always there to talk to anyone when they needed it. She was truly an angel in human form.” The speech was met with applause.

Aw.

I love flash fiction for pieces exactly like this one: very clear snapshots of human life. The pace of this piece was perfect-- slow and smooth. You also managed to force in a lot of description for such a short piece without the description ever seeming forced. I'm jealous.

I have to harp on the first line, because it rubbed me the wrong way. I don't have a problem with the content of it, but something about the phrasing makes it awkward. This is purely up to you, especially because it's a stylistic change, but in my head "Annie Ryan, surrounded by roses, was there for all to see." works in a way that keeps up with the rest of the piece in terms of fluidity. Because it's flash fiction and because the fact that she's dead is very clearly stated later on in the same paragraph, I didn't need the inclusion of the phrase about the body.

My broader concern is about the power of the piece. You start off with a definite focus on Annie Ryan's killing and the unjustified nature of her death before moving into a very different focus on her funeral and her boyfriend. His declaration was heartfelt and realistic, but because I hadn't spent any time with his character or his relationship it didn't tug on my heartstrings. It ended the piece on a flatter note than it could have been.

If you were going for a multi-angled but minute look at a tragic death, I'd say that's fine and that your revisions should be centered on cutting a little of the focus on Annie's killer and maybe bringing another character's sorrow (or maybe more than one) to light, to round out the perspective. But if you did want something more suspenseful, or something more touching about Annie and Thomas, then I wanted to either see somebody else's reaction to the injustice of the death or else learn about their relationship sooner, in a way that made it seem less peripheral and more the major loss in her death.

Also-- I really, really liked the picture of Annie that you created in such a small space. I saw facets of her character in almost every bit of action in the piece, and that's awesome. In my opinion, it's the major strength of the story.

Thanks for the read!

PS-- Was this the product of a prompt? (Sorry. I'm a sucker for checking out prompt interpretations.)

Hey Ellie, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Annie Ryan’s limp body was there, surrounded by roses, for all to see.

I am pointing this out for the sheer amazingness of it as an opening line. Kudos.

Despite the gruesome bandages which covered her head and stomach,

But how can bandages be gruesome?

And her death had been so gruesome—

Repetition!

The police, who had been working tirelessly to catch who did,

Did it, maybe?

They were sitting in the front row now,

Oh. This is her funeral. I was wondering. I thought she was lying in a rosebed. Darn. Well, this is good too, I guess xD

he had been one of the people who had been one of the people who had volunteered to speak about her.

oneofthepeopleoneofthepeople, eh?

He’d write two sentences and then start bursting into tears.

You don't start to burst into tears. You either start to cry... or burst into tears.

II. THE SHOCK FACTOR

So you start off with this big shock of this really gruesome death and as always, she has become a saint after her death. And everyone wants to know what happened and why and where and who and how and...

you just seem to forget about it.

Now, I like gore. Maybe that's just me. But you start off with this image and by the end it's a boy crying at the end of his speech at a funeral. And it's quite a difference. Death is death, but it can be portrayed in a million different ways. Right now, I wasn't sure whether I was meant to be disgusted or moved to tears. Neither really worked because you didn't develop them enough.

III. OVERALL

I think that Coffee is expressing the same concern as me, you need to decide what focus this piece has. If it's meant to be emotional, give it all you've got- and it's hard to write emotion into something so short because we don't care about your characters, so you'll need to try hard for that. Or if it's disturbing, make it so. Just decide what purpose it's trying to serve. But honestly, it does have potential. It's so clear when I read things like this just how much you've grown as a writer in the time I've known you, you just keep getting better

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Sorry this is a few hours late! I had something come up last night. But I'm here now!

So there were a few things that rubbed me the wrong way in this piece. One of those things was already mentioned: the focus. The beginning and the end are for two different stories, it seems. Try to tie it all up better. I'm guessing you probably wanted to leave it hanging, as to what actually happened to Annie, but it still seems to be an unsatisfying read. Perhaps put in clues throughout the piece so the reader can come up with its own conclusion. Not just the image of the body, which is one really good clue. Do things like that. The other reviews elaborated on that though, so I'll move on.

The character, Annie, sounds a lot like a Mary-Sue. She participated in the arts (drama), athletics (bungee jumping), education (tutoring), and made everyone feel better just seeing her smile. Some things can be exaggerated when speaking about a loved one at a funeral, but if the person wasn't good at athletics, why would it be mentioned in a speech? And if that part wasn't meant to make Annie an athlete, perhaps make it more clear that it was just one of the things she got Thomas to do. Maybe insert a snippet in his speech like, "neither of us wanted to do it again though". That would be a touching moment in which Thomas would get choked up. Of course, you can do this kind of thing to any other of the attributes. I'm just concerned for the Mary-Sue-ness of Annie.

The third thing that hit me was the end after Thomas' speech. Maybe the funerals I went to were more church-oriented (meaning it kept the same practices as regular church services), but I've never heard an applause after a speech at a funeral. There's a bunch of people crying or manning up and trying not to cry, and the speaker is going through a tough time just talking about the loved one. The applause made the speech sound more like a presentation than a funeral. I'd just end the flash-fic with Thomas' speech or with him walking back to his seat. Something more quiet and not-so uplifting.

Last really tiny thing. xD

But he had got through it, just like Thomas had kept telling himself he wouldn’t cry when reading it to everyone there.

Does that mean Thomas never got through the speech? I just want to make sure this comparison was on purpose. xD If you were going to edit this flash-fic, check the grammar as you go through it.

That's all the fresh ideas I have to give, haha. I think this can be improved a lot. The main thing is to figure out the focus (and not just choosing the beginning or end to elaborate on, but also talk about Annie or Thomas more) and work better at setting the tone (if it's supposed to break the reader's heart or if it's supposed to horrify the reader). Of course, if you plan to extend this anyway, just think through the story itself and what you're actually going to share with the reader. Remember: You're just telling us a story. ;D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

*EDITED*

Elinor Brynn wrote:Annie Ryan’s limp body was there, surrounded by roses, for all to see. #FF0000 ">I think you could do better, but this isn't a bad start. Try changing it to active voice, maybe? I'm iffy about it being passive. Despite the torn and blood-stained bandages which covered her head and stomach, plus two linen cloths which concealed her lack of arms, she was still just as beautiful as she had been in life. #FF0000 ">First things first, this is a very odd sentence. I just don't know how you could possibly not be horrified and still think of someone as beautiful despite her being limp/dead/blood-stained/armless. It is, however, a good hook, so I'll let this pass. I'm very interested in the narrator now, because he strikes me as odd. I do like the way this paints a sort of macabre tone. No one could believe that she was dead. #FF0000 ">This is telling, and I'd rather you show me as opposed to telling me this. This kind of thing would really work better if you show it.
Just ten days before, she had graced the stage as Maria Von Trapp in her school’s production of The Sound of Music. Almost everyone at the funeral had been to the opening performance. It had been spectacular. #FF0000 ">I think you could do with taking out that last sentence or maybe changing it. I feel like it's a bit static at the moment. But afterward, Annie had never returned home. #FF0000 ">Hm. I can't quite tell how I feel about this sentence. On one hand, I do feel like it could be better, but then I remember that this is flash fiction and you really would need to conserve words so I'll let it go.
She had been taken too soon, that was #FF0000 ">definitely certain—she was only eighteen years old and about to graduate. Her incredible talent for theater had promised her a long and successful life. On top that, her death had been so gruesome—what had Annie done to deserve such a fate? #FF0000 ">Let's hit pause. This happens in the funeral home, right? I'm pretty sure they wouldn't display the body with torn bandages and everything. They usually clean corpses up, put some make-up on, dress it in pretty clothes and all. I don't think they'll try to cover up severed limbs, though they might at the family's request.The police, who had been working tirelessly to catch who had done it, promised her parents each day that they would catch the killer and bring him to justice.
They #FF0000 ">See, at this point, the antecedents go all muddled. A while ago it was more or less clear that you were referring to the police, but at this point it's not quite so anymore. It takes us a while to realize that you mean "the parents" and not "the police" anymore. Clear it up. were sitting in the front row now, and were trying as best as possible to remain calm. Annie had been their only daughter.
The last few guests dropped their bouquets #FF0000 ">Dropped sounds like such a disrespectful and unceremonious word. Try switching verbs? beside her casket and took their seats. The ceremony was about to begin.
The priest was a short man, probably in his fifties, with balding #FF0000 ">Balding refers to dark brown hair here, which is...odd, to say the least. oo" dark brown hair. “We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Annie Elizabeth Ryan. To everyone #FF0000 ">who (I'm not sure if it must be who, but I like the word who here better) knew her, she was a kind and caring person, a talented individual, and a friend. On the night of May 22nd, she was brutally murdered by an unknown assassin. #FF0000 ">Assassin sounds so cold and deliberate. I don't know about using that word here, because it implies that someone really did have a reason to go after her and I'm not sure anyone would want to imply that at a funeral. All of us here hope that the killer will be caught soon, so that Annie Ryan can rest in peace. But today let us also celebrate her life—for in eighteen short years she was able to lead an incredible one.’
As he began to read the traditional bible verses, Thomas Pike, sitting just behind Mr. and Mrs. Ryan, held a piece of paper unsteadily in his hands. As Annie’s boyfriend of four years, #FF0000 ">O.O That's a long time. Teenage relationships don't usually last long, so that made me do a double-take. I suppose it's possible, though, so I'll let it slide. Besides, letting them together that long allows for more drama later. he had been one of the people who had volunteered to speak about her. Writing the speech #FF0000 ">Speech works fine, but when I read through this sentence I couldn't really help but think: eulogy. :S This is just a comment, though. You don't really need to change this one. <3 had been incredibly difficult for him. He’d write two sentences and then burst into tears. But he had got through it, just like Thomas had kept telling himself he wouldn’t cry when reading it to everyone there. #FF0000 ">I'm a little unclear on what this last sentence means. Revise?
“And now, I think Thomas Pike wants to come up and say a few words?”
Thomas nodded and rose from his seat, walking shakily up in front of the podium. He placed his speech down and began to read.
“I remember moving from Virginia to Connecticut in Seventh Grade. At school, Annie was the first person that I met. It was first period and I remember how incredibly kind she was to me. She showed me around the school and sat with me at Lunch and introduced me to all of her friends, Clara and Jen, who are just as wonderful as she is. For two years we kept up an incredible friendship, and eventually that friendship turned to love. #FF0000 ">It seems kind of flat. I think you could up it a lot more. For now, it's kind of...meh. I don't expect it to be jaw-droppingly awesome and tear-jerking, since I know the character probably won't fit into that. But I do expect some level of heartstring-tugging, and I just don't feel anything right here.”
Thomas paused. A torrent of memories began to flood through his mind; happy memories of their first date and kiss, the time they had went to Six Flags together and the time where he had made chocolate cake (without burning it!) for Annie’s Mrs. Ryan surprise birthday party. #FF0000 ">I definitely understand what the last bit of this sentence is trying to convey, but it's clunky and it definitely made me do a double-take. Try to revise it. For a second or so, it was as if she was still alive. Thomas felt crying, but he pressed on. #FF0000 ">It's not uncommon for people to cry during eulogies. In fact, it'd be odd if he didn't.
“We started dating freshman year, the year that everything changed for me. Annie got me to try new things, like joining the drama department. She acted and I helped work on sets and props. For four years it’s been my favorite part of school, and in college I’ll be working to major in construction so that I can be an architect. Thanks to Annie, I’ve found my dream job. Each day Annie had came into school with a smile on her face and endless optimism. #FF0000 ">I feel like there's something missing at the end of this sentence. oO She was truly an angel in human form. There is no doubt that I would eventually have proposed. Whoever would think of taking a girl like Annie of this planet is cold and cruel, and I hope that they will be caught and brought to justice.” Thomas took the paper and crumpled it up, speed-walking back to his seat. #FF0000 ">I don't know. It kind of doesn't cut it. He doesn't cry, doesn't shake his head. There's no body language to indicate actually grief, merely words that fall a bit flat. This lacks elaboration, sort of.
Everyone had soft tears flowing down their cheeks. #FF0000 ">You could do without this sentence. I think it would be more powerful if you just followed Thomas until the end, not mentioning the crowd. See, this ending wouldn't work if the reader wasn't crying, and even then it's a little too heavy-handed for my taste.


First Draft:

Spoiler

AN: An experiment in flash-fiction! Enjoy, and do rip to shreds. I might want to expand on this idea.

Annie Ryan’s limp body was there, surrounded by roses, for all to see. Despite the gruesome bandages which covered her head and stomach, plus two linen cloths which concealed her lack of arms, she was still just as beautiful as she had been in life. No one could believe that she was dead. Just ten days before, she had graced the stage as Maria Von Trapp in her school’s production of The Sound of Music. She was eighteen years old, about to graduate, and full of incredible talent. She had been taken too soon, that was definitely certain. And her death had been so gruesome—what had Annie done to deserve such a fate? The police, who had been working tirelessly to catch who did, promised her parents that they would catch the killer and bring him to justice. They were sitting in the front row now, and were trying as best as possible to remain calm. Annie had been their only daughter.
The last few guests dropped their bouquets beside her casket and took their seats. The ceremony was about to begin.
The priest was a short man, probably in his fifties, with balding dark brown hair. “We are today to mourn the loss of Annie Ryan. To everyone that knew her, she was a kind and caring person, a talented individual, and a friend.”
As he began to read the traditional bible verses, Thomas Pike, sitting just behind Mr. and Mrs. Ryan, held a piece of paper unsteadily in his hands. As Annie’s boyfriend of four years, he had been one of the people who had been one of the people who had volunteered to speak about her. Writing the speech had been incredibly difficult for him. He’d write two sentences and then start bursting into tears. But he had got through it, just like Thomas had kept telling himself he wouldn’t cry when reading it to everyone there.
“And now, I think Thomas Pike wants to come up and say a few words?”
Thomas nodded and arose from his seat, walking shakily up in front of the podium. He placed his speech down and began to read.
“I moved to Connecticut from Virginia just before eighth grade had started. I met Annie during first period. She helped me find my way around the school, and was always there for me. We started dating freshman year, and I remember how she got me to try bungee jumping and drama and everything I wouldn’t touch before. She was always so full of energy and had a smile on her face every single day. My favorite thing about Annie, however, is that she did everything she could to make the lives of her fellow classmates better. She tutored kids after school and was always there to talk to anyone when they needed it. She was truly an angel in human form.” The speech was met with applause.

Final thoughts:

This isn't bad, but it does lack the emotional depth I think it could have. I'm not telling you to charge it up on drama or angst or anything like that, but I do think this could do with a little more exploration. This kind of story works only if we're grounded and if we empathize with the characters. Now, the problem here is that you have limited words to work with, and you haven't quite drawn the reader close to Annie, or her boyfriend.

I think that maybe, maybe if you focused on one person and hadn't attempted to show everyone, then you'd have more words to work with and maybe you could ground us a bit more, make us love Annie as if we really knew her and torn our hearts out much better. I love the beginning paragraph, but the one after that is a little weak, and I think it would work better in Thomas' perspective. Imagine him replaying the day again and again in his head or something. It'd definitely hit us harder than if you stated it from an omniscient point of view.

Now, you can see that in the beginning I mentioned that I thought a certain sentence painted the scene in macabre colors. That sentence would work very well if it was in Thomas' point of view, because Thomas would obviously pay little to no mind to Annie's disfigurements. He'd be seeing the girl he'd always loved, and so she'll always be beautiful to him. It'll be a little corny, but if executed right, it'll come off as tragic. It'd be the fridge logic sort of tragic, though, so it'd make sense if we won't get it directly. It will, however, add a layer of meaning if we think more about it. (I'm not sure I'm making sense at this point, so if you don't understand me feel free to ask.)

I'm not really trying to get you to change it in any major way, Eli, since most of this is from Thomas's point of view, and only the beginning is from an omniscient POV (and even then the first paragraph *could* have come from Thomas). Also, one more nitpick - it's kind of hard to stick to what you've written in an eulogy, or in any speech in general. Sometimes, when you're emotional and not all that focused or far too passionate, some words just tumble out. Maybe have a few there? I don't know. I'm not so sure with this last nitpick. It might be just me.

Anyway, that was my two cents. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara

El, my wife, I'm here for your requested review!

Quotes 'n' Comments

Despite the torn and blood-stained bandages which covered her head and stomach, plus two linen cloths which concealed her lack of arms, she was still just as beautiful as she had been in life. No one could believe that she was dead.

So this entire description is odd to me.

Is she not in a casket? You aren't allowed to just bury people wherever. It doesn't work like that. I think you can find a better way to describe her body and make it more realistic at the same time. In fact, I know, because you are an amazing writer.

Another thing is that they try to patch her up before they do the funeral. And if she is in bits and pieces, the parents probably won't want people to see her daughter missing limbs.

People, when they are dead and put into caskets, are dressed up in their favorite outfit, in makeup, and they stitch people up so you can't see the injuries. This is because the parents/relatives usually want others and themselves to remember what the beautiful person was like when they were alive. The last thing that will be on these people's minds when they think about Annie is how she doesn't have arms and how she has bandages all over. Just a thought. With you writing it like this, it seems like you've never been to a funeral. I hope you haven't.

"On the night of May 22nd, she was brutally murdered by an unknown assassin."

Woah woah woah, now I really think that you've never been to a funeral. Okay, at funerals, they tend to focus on the happy things. A few years ago I went to a funeral where my friend had hung herself. They mentioned nothing about how she died, just about how she lived. Play with your readers emotions a bit, and have the priest talking about funny and adorable personal achievements and experiences the girl went through. It will make for a more realistic story, and will pull the heartstrings of your readers even more.

As he began to read the traditional bible verses, Thomas Pike, sitting just behind Mr. and Mrs. Ryan, held a piece of paper unsteadily in his hands.

I think you should try to find a bible verse and put it in there. There are so many beautiful readings at funerals. They tell stories with morals and meaning. It would add an interesting element to your story if you found one about a person who was punished for nothing, or something that would parallel to your story. Since this is a flash fiction and it leaves us with an unfinished feeling, try to pick a story that is finished that parallels to the story, so that we can get some closure on what would happen. For example, try to find a story where the punisher of the innocent is captured and justice is acquired.

He’d write two sentences and then burst into tears.

This seems a bit over dramatic to me. Just saying.

There is no doubt that I would eventually have proposed.

When he says this, I would like to see the reaction from the parents. What do they think about this boy? With the parents opinion, we will better understand what kind of boy he is. Plus, it would be a more interesting touch to your flash.

Everyone had soft tears flowing down their cheeks.

This is beautiful. Just these few words "soft tears" make me want to cry myself. For some reason when I read this, I get the vision of a rose.

Characters

I'd say for a flash fiction, your characters are pretty developed. I can picture the boy, and I can picture Annie's lifeless body in a black hole. I don't know why because there is barely any description, but I can. So great job!

Plot

Eh, I mean there wasn't adventure, there wasn't surprise, it was just kind of a scene from something larger. And I suppose that's what flash fiction is supposed to feel like. I don't think this was a piece for plot. I think that at the end some transformation of the boy should happen. Like he looks up at the rainy sky and sees light - not that cliche and annoying sounding, but you know what I mean. I feel like by saying the speech, he has undergone some closure and will be able to move on. I think you could add something in like that, and your readers will feel more like there is an end to this.

Overall

What I loved most from this is that I could see what was going on. I felt like I was watching it, standing across the grave, looking at the parents, and then at the boy behind them. It felt like a movie, but better than a movie, because even though you had some unrealistic parts, the emotions and atmosphere of this piece were truly real.

I think this really compliments your writing. This doesn't make us feel exhausted, but rather wanting more, and you're really good at doing that. I think with a bit of fine tuning and taking into consideration the things I pointed out, this can be a wonderful finished piece.

I would suggest focusing on these points:
-the unrealistic parts of the funeral
-the boy's epiphany/ending

If you have any questions/comments, PM me girly!

Classy.

Hey Elinor! A bazillion kazillion apologies that I'm delivering this so late. I don't even know what good it'll do you.

Two Fact Police things first. One, at least from knowledge of such things gleaned from NCIS and other crime shows, they drain bodies of blood before a funeral, so the bandages wouldn't be blood-stained. Actually, she wouldn't have any bandages at all, because they do some intensely creepy things to cover up any wounds and damage. If the damage is really bad, it's usually a closed-casket ceremony.

Second, you referred once to her being killed by an assassin. But, assassination usually only applies to murders motivated by political or business motivations. Also, I agree with Classy in that they tend to dwell on remembering at funerals, or phrase things in a way that's less enraging.

But, anyway, those were just two little things I wanted to mention before I went on.

My main complaint with this piece is that it seems like it's two pieces. As others mentioned, the focus isn't entirely there. Is this about Annie, or is this about Thomas? Right now, it seems more like a chapter out of a novel to come, either about the attempts to find her killer or Thomas's recovery or both than anything else. Which could make for a really excellent novella or novel or short story.

This can also make for a very moving flash fiction piece, too. I hate to intrude, but what you could do is intersperse all the detail from the beginning to later on and focus on Thomas giving his speech. That'd make the details about the murder and Annie seem less of the focus and turn the spotlight on poor Thomas.

You've got a wealth of great emotional material here, but it's not being accessed fully, as the others mentioned. And, as the others mentioned, I think focusing in on one character, one aspect, would make all the difference. And so, in short, I agree with the other members, and all that I have to add are those two nitpicks and then the suggestion that you feed the detail in throughout Thomas's speech.

Again, I'm sorry this is so horrifically late in coming. I hope it can be one of those 'better late than never' situations. If you have any questions, just let me know. And, if you have anything else you'd like me to review, let me know so I can make this up to you!

Rach

*Rewritten*

Hey Elinor ^_^

Thomas Pike placed a single red rose on top of the mounds of others which surrounded Annie Ryan’s coffin, a piece of crumpled paper in his hand.

I like this opening because you have a character, a setting, and an action. This builds an instant picture in the reader's mind, which is great. What I didn't like so much was the added information about the piece of paper. It takes the image away from Anne in her coffen surrounded by roses, which is a powerful and rather sadly pretty image, and takes it to the piece of paper in his hand. While the piece of paper is important, I would not say it is more important than anne herself.

He tightened his grip on it and rose; staring down at the girl in the coffin.

You may want to check on this, but I think that semi colon should be a comma. The second sentence does not make sense by itself, and has to be related to the one before it.

Mrs. Ryan’s face buried in her husband’s chest.

sentence fragment, there should be a 'was' or something similar in there.

As he speed-walked back to his seat, he noticed everyone’s tears.

The last line does not impress me overly much, you've already described what people we know as crying, so it's not really making much of a statement. Which is a shame, as this is a piece where you are probably trying to envoke an emotional reaction, and a stronger statement is more suited to this.

Which brings me to the emotional reaction I had to this peace- mild sadness. I think you could get a more powerful emotion if you described the narrator's emotions a little further. When I'm about to cry my throat hurts, my stomach tightens, my lip wobbles and my shoulders come forward to make my chest come in. Use physical signs of distress to show the pain- you don't have to get all complicated or flowery with the language, but just describe things we can all relate with. The prickling in the back of your eyes, the clammyness in your mouth, the snot dripping down your lip.
Your subject is a common one, so this may be a little difficult, I've read a lot about death on here. It's not an easy topic, and you have a solid story, it's just those heart-wrenching moments that we are missing.

The flashbacks of her are possibly my favourite part- here is where you establish the relationship. Because he loved her so much, don't afraid to get a little more intimate, describe how her skin felt, and how her voice sounded. Again don't get carried away with flowery language, it just gets distracting. I am craving detail- make us care that she is dead.

I am not sure I like how you have inserted her cause of death- it would again possibly work better if you have your narrator describe his opinions and feelings on the subject. Stabbing is a painful and horrific way to go, so describe the horror that his love was taken away so violently. Have him notice where they tied a scarf or a ribbon over a neatly sewed wound, have him shudder in horror at the thought, have him frustrated about them not finding the killer, have him angry. I would be angry. Where was she that made her so vulnerable? Why was she stabbed? These are thoughts that would run through my mind as I would try and come to terms with how they died, or so I imagine.

Overall, you have a well written and drastically improved piece, but with some tweaking and polishing, you could have something that really tugs at the heartstrings.

If you have a question, don't hesitate to PM me.

-Nutty

Hey Elinor, here as requested. (: My comments/suggestions/improvements are in green for you.

Elinor Brynn wrote:Thomas Pike placed a single red rose on top of the mounds of others which that surrounded Annie Ryan’s coffin. The word "which" should only be used as a connective if you want to split the sentence in two with a comma, "that" should be used otherwise.There was a piece of crumpled paper in his hand. He’d been carrying it around in his jean pocket all day, taking it out occasionally and reading through the speech that he'd had written on it. Thomas had never been much of a public speaker, but he felt like he had to do this, show everyone how much he had truly loved Annie.
He tightened his grip on it and rose, staring down at the girl in the coffin. Annie. She looked just as beautiful as she had in life. Her light brown tresses were down, and just a hint of makeup had been applied to her cheeks. Then Thomas noticed the dress; it was the same one that she had worn to senior prom just one month before. And suddenly he wasn’t in the funeral home anymore, but slow-dancing with Annie while her head lay on his shoulder. This flashback seemed a bit jumpy, probably because of the use of the word "suddenly". You could try an alternative word perhaps? Then he sighed and remembered where he was, that Annie was now dead. The definity there works well. His eyes turned to Annie’s; beneath her eyelids were eyes a magnificent, shining gray. He remembered the countless times that he would look into those them, dazzled.
She was so beautiful now that it was hard to believe how she could have met such a gruesome end. Doctors had done all they could to clean up the many stab wounds she had received.
Thomas knew he would have to get back to his seat; the ceremony was going to start very soon. Before he left, he closed his eyes and blew her a kiss. ‘I love you,’ he whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks. He turned to find a seat in the second row, next to his parents. Mr. and Mrs. Ryan were sitting right in front of them; they were both crying softly. Mrs. Ryan’s face was buried in her husband’s chest. Annie had been their only daughter. Since the murder, the police had stopped by twice a week to update them on how the search for the murderer had been going. They still didn’t know who had done it; the only witness had just seen the killer’s shadow. Each day Thomas’s frustration had grew; anyone who would think of murdering a person like Annie deserved to rot in jail and not roam free. If he could, he’d help the police in whatever way he could to find the murderer.
Suddenly he felt his mother’s hand gently massaging his shoulder, and he realized how tense he had become.
The priest walked up to the podium, a bible in hand. He was a short, balding man in his fifties. ‘We are here today to mourn the loss of Annie Elizabeth Ryan. To everyone that knew her, she was a kind and caring person, a talented individual, and a friend. Today, let us celebrate her life, for in eighteen short years she was able to lead an amazing one.’
And then he began to read Psalm twenty-three. Before this, Thomas had only heard it in movies. And now it was real and being read for Annie. The last part, ‘Goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever’ made his tears start to flow again.
He read a few more verses, and when he finished, he said, ‘And now, I think Thomas Pike wants to come up and say something?’
Thomas nodded and dried his tears, walking up to the podium shakily. The priest moved to the side and handed him the microphone. Thomas took the paper out of his hand and bit his lip, telling himself that he wouldn’t let himself cry again. His throat hurt and his stomach was tight, so he wasn’t sure how he would be able to speak. But somehow, he managed it.
Firstly you were using apostrophes for speech and here you're using speech marks. It doesn't really matter which you use, but it helps to be consistent so I'd pick one or the other. “I first met Annie in seventh grade. Two months into the school year, I had moved from Virginia to here, in Connecticut. I was nervous and scared to be starting at a new school, as I’m sure anyone would be. Annie was in my first period; it was history, if I remember right. She was so kind and caring; I'd personally use a full-stop here instead, as the semi-colons are feeling a bit over-used, as well as a full stop allowing the reader to dwell further on something as opposed to a semi colon. I remember she showed me around the school and helped me find all of my classes. She talked to me and sat with me at lunch when no one else would. She-’ - use consistent dialogue grammar, choose either speech mark/apostrophe - He began to tear up again, remembering what seventh grade had been like. He had been constantly teased and picked on. Yet Annie had still remained his friend. “She loved people, and always tried to see the good in them.’ By getting rid of the word "and" or words like that the dialogue feels less wooden. Perhaps less "grammatically proper" but more like someone is actually saying it, trying to hold back the tears. Just a suggestion, but I hope you see what I mean. He hadn’t included this in the speech. “To her, every stranger was a friend she hadn’t met yet.
“It was before long that I had developed a crush on her. We started dating freshman year.”
Thomas paused. A torrent of memories began to flood through his mind; happy memories. There was their first kiss behind the rosebushes in her backyard, the time they had went to Six Flags for Physics class and Annie wouldn’t let him chicken out on any roller-coasters. I like all these flashbacks, they're good at giving us a feel of your characters.
There was one upside down one that Annie had wanted to go on. “Come on! It will be so much fun!” she had said, laughing. After several protests, she had finally won. And it had been frightening, but altogether marvelous.
There was also the time where he had made chocolate cake (without burning it!) - brackets are such formal grammar. Make it a or use hashes instead? "choclate cake - without burning it - for Annie's" - for Annie’s surprise birthday party. And for a second or so, it was as if she was still alive.
Thomas felt crying again, but he pressed on. “Annie got me to try new things, like joining the drama department. She acted and I helped work on sets and props. For four years it’s been my favorite part of school, and in college I’ll be working to major in construction so that I can be an architect. Thanks to Annie, I’ve found my dream job. Every day, she came to school with a smile on her face. She was an angel in human form, and I loved her so dearly.”
He paused a minute, looking at Mr. and Mrs. Ryan. They were smiling at him, soft tears flowing down their faces. “If she was still alive, there was no doubt I would have proposed.” The last part was something he hadn’t written for the speech. As he speed-walked back to his seat, he noticed everyone’s tears. I like the atmospheric saddening effect you create here, but by this last use of "tears" I feel that perhaps the word is being a bit overused. It might just be a harsh concious though I had, but trying something a wee more adventurous such as "mournful sorrows" or something might allow this feeling to not happen and also spice up the language too.

After the funeral there was a small gathering at the Ryan home for some of Annie’s closest family and friends. Thomas was on the couch in the living room, staring at the blank TV. The house felt oddly incomplete without her here; he would look by the door and expect her to come jolting in, a beaming smile on her face. The way you relate the character to reader is great, Elinor. I feel like I've known his history a long time and it starts to have an effect on me as the reader as if I've also lost someone dear too.
When he had been here before, he’d thought little of the place; often times he and Annie were only there because they couldn’t go anywhere else. Now he saw the house as the most beautiful place in the world; he wanted to touch every bit of furniture, sniff every scent.
He looked up and saw Mr. and Mrs. Ryan; by the looks on their faces he could tell they had been there for quite some time. They both had wine glasses in their hands and were smiling.
“Thomas,” said Mr. Ryan, “That speech you gave, it was beautiful. Annie would have loved it.”
Thomas nodded simply. He didn’t know what to say. Did he alter his gaze straight away after? Did he look blankly at them? You could add something in about that or leave it up to the reader. Just a suggestion.
Then Mrs. Ryan surprised Thomas by giving him a hug. “She really loved you, you know. You added so much to her life. Feel free to visit us any time you want, okay? We may not have Annie anymore, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a son to us.” Brilliant ending.

So, so. I can tell this is your third draft because this piece is close to flawless. The development of your characters and their history is my favourite thing about your writing here. Your beginning draws us in and the speeches & flashbacks have a touching effect on your readers. Your writing is well controlled and rarely jumpy. It feels good to read and makes me, personally, respect the people I take for granted in my life.

Thanks for a good read, Elinor and I hope I helped a little.
Ben