Poem: Not part of this world.

Not part of this world

A world so wonderful,
People so lively,
Cities so alive,
And nature so fertile.
-
Yet one man,
Can’t feel a thing,
Not a simple breeze of life,
Feels like his not part of this world.
-
His mind so fragile,
And his soul so weak.
But his heart so pure,
And his love so strong.
-
A love for a girl,
That’s indescribable by words,
Unable to feel anything but it,
It’s the end of him
-
Dead or alive,
Doesn’t matter,
Without happiness or love,
There’s no life.
-

Okey, this is just a poem I wrote recently. I haven't written many poems and I wanted to know what you guys think. I'm not a native english speaker so there might be a few mistakes. I consciously left out predicates on some of the sentences because I liked it more that way. So tell me what you think. I'd really like to get some feedback.

*Moved to Dramatic Poetry!*

A world so wonderful,
People so lively,
Cities so alive,
And nature so fertile.

I like this first stanza, very nice imagery

-
Yet one man,
Can’t feel a thing,
Not a simple breeze of life,
Feels like his not part of this world.

Here I like the contrast that you put with this man, but the last line in my opinion kind of ruins the rhythm, and is a bit confusing, I think it should read,
He doesn't feel part of this world maybe?

-
His mind so fragile,
And his soul so weak.
But his heart so pure,
And his love so strong.

Again I like this with the juxtaposition of the fragile and weak and pure and strong, also with the imagery of the mind, soul, heart and love.

-
A love for a girl,
That’s indescribable by words,
Unable to feel anything but it,
It’s the end of him

This is a very nice stanza, summing up the feelings of strong love to a girl.
-
Dead or alive,
Doesn’t matter,
Without happiness or love,
There’s no life.

This is a sombre note to end on which I am not sure I like or not, but is a bit emo-style here.


Hope this helped you, but I really like the exploration of feelings here in this poem keep it up

Hi there! I enjoyed this poem, but I also got the feeling that it was missing something. I especially liked it for the reason that I think most people can relate to it. It reminds me of some points in my life and my friends lives where they were so overwhelmed by the feeling of love for someone that nothing else mattered and without that person's love in return, happiness was out of reach. So good job on that. I do feel a few things could be tweaked to make a bigger impact on the reader. For instance, I think changing a few of the adjectives in the first stanza would make the flow better and just generally sound better. In the second stanza, I think it would help if you changed the last line to "like he's not part of this world". I think it would help the structure and be less confusing that way, but that's just me. The rest of it I liked, especially the last stanza. I think you did a good job describing the man's desolation without the love of the girl. This was just my opinions on it, but it's your poem of course. Hope I helped and keep up the good work!

I appreciate your comments! There's actually a mistype in second stanza. It's supposed to go: "Feels like he's not part of this world." But I agree with you both that it might sound a little tenous. I would change it to Relentless27 suggestion: "like he's not part of this world" leving the 'Feels' out of it.

I have to admit that I have a slight problem with adjectives. But I think that's mostly because I'm not a native English speaker nor have I ever lived in English speaking country. Hence, my vocabulary isn't that ample and extensive. However, I hope that's going to change for better, bit by bit.

Thanks for the feedback! And everyone else: Feel free to comment! I'm eagerly waiting for some more