A Fox, A Dream and A Beast

Was she all a girl could possess.
Lightly colored breasts.
To say the least,she was the exact opposite of a beast.
We met in the west and she was the best.

That same beast to say the least took her near east.
So to tame a beast all you have to do at least,
to take a knife and make him exclaim for his life.

Now that the job is done,we ran off holding hands in tow.
A board a airplane to the city of St.Cane.
Now that the beast that took her to the east, is much like stone.
The nurses hear the poor monster roar.
Hopefully none of the nurse's buttons become undone.

It is in the hospital in a wheel chair while we are in mid-air.
She and I are way up there , loving each other with care.

With all the passengers to sit and stare.
Just as this faithful and partially and hateful dream ends and I descend to the ground.
To not awake to a girl who is smiling round.

And was she all a girl could possess ?
With lightly colored breasts.
Now I come to find, that she is more divine.
From behind.

I was a bit crazy when I wrote this, I usually don't write about human reproduction.
Dang, this puberty thing . Straight to the point, it is about a day dream I had about late last night.
So I configured it into words.

I have to say that I got quite confused the second stanza, and, while I had a better idea what was happening in the third, I didn't make a full recovery until the fourth. I am no poet, but the second was missing a few more words than what I am capable of mentally replacing...

But the last stanza made me smile. Hehe ^-^. Makes me feel evil XD. You were quite out of it, weren't you? Well, we've all been there, so don't worry -_^. Either way, good job, and keep writing!

Hey CardDragon -

So! A dream poem! These are often nonsensical, bizarre and career off in wild directions much like the human subconscious when allowed to run free. And this poem, fittingly, has this abstract quality to it that reminds me so much of Samuel Taylor Coleridge's (opium-induced) poem - Kubla Khan. Hope I spelt that right. But even so, it's interesting how you attempt to salvage the madness of the narration by forcing it into some kind of reality - by which I mean, the rhyme scheme. As Coleridge does, this has the effect of making it surreal, but still accessible. Although, all in all, I must say it shamelessly fails to detract from the strangeness of it all - kind of like an obviously sloppy cover-up of something insane, right?

Now, I actually don't know what exactly you were intending, and if it's a good thing you so marvellously fail at creating any kind of rhyme scheme at all. On the one hand, I can see that there is an obvious attempt to write in rhyme, but considering the fact that you fail on two counts (a proper rhythm, and any kind of rhyming consistency), I'd say that this is an embarrassing poem. However, on the other hand, the very fact that it sort of runs haphazardly and has this incredibly, off-beat feeling to it heightens that sense of insanity, of the abstract, the subconscious. So, I'll leave it up to you as to what you do with it. My only suggestion would be to make it purposefully one or the other: as in, purposefully perfect in its rhyme, or purposefully imperfect, but not both. Does that sort of make sense...?

If you have any questions etc, feel free to PM me and we'll discuss! But thanks for the laugh, nevertheless.


Navita

Hey there,

So, I did like this poem, but to me the rhyming seemed kind of forced in places. I think this could have a been even better, maybe if you hadn't tried so hard to rhyme. All in all it was a good poem, but maybe try writing without rhyming? You never know how it will turn out, and experimenting is always good.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me ~~