Lucky Charms

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Lucky Charms

‘Ho there, lad! Why so glum?’

James turned in surprise, and found there was a man standing in the alley. His hair was burnished bronze, glinting red in the fading light. In response to the question, and perhaps to the man’s sudden apparition as well, James shrugged and turned back to watch the sunset. There was a small group of purple clouds bunched on the horizon, cast all about in pink and orange flames.

‘Tell me, boy, could you use a brightenin’ to your day?’ the man asked again, his voice closer than before. James snuck a peek, saw him lounging against the wall. He was idly bouncing something across his knuckles.

‘What’s it to you?’ James said, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

‘Well, now, nothing. Nothing at all. It’s just - I have these here lucky charms, see, and they’re dragging on me awful-like, so I’m looking to get rid of them. And you look in need of luck, if ever I saw true.’

‘You talk funny.’ He didn’t turn, kept staring at the sky. It was changing, second by second.

‘But you aren’t laughing, lad, and ain’t that passing strange? Suppose I’m the one talking serious, and you the one talking odd, what then?’ His voice was mellow and soft, it lilted and rose in crests of sound. Cars drifted by, rumbling in dull monotones, but there were few people on the street. They stood in silence for some time, simply watching. The clouds were deepening, purple coats lined with a dash of crimson. The amber sky retreated further, leaving sharp fingers streaking behind. The colours shifted and changed in a constant dance.

‘Why are they heavy?’ James asked.

‘The charms? Well…’ the man faltered. ‘Weren’t always the case, honestly. But I’m old now, too old for them, I think.’
James looked at him again. His face was clear of lines, hair full and thick. He wore black suit pants and a simple white top. To the question writ openly on James face, the man chuckled and said, ‘I may not look it, boy, but I’m old as can be. That’s the charms for ya.’

Streetlights began to pop on, ghostly soldiers fighting the gloom.

James stared into the man’s eyes - pale blue chips that gleamed. ‘I’m missing it, you know.’

‘It’ll be there tomorrow,’ he said, grinning.

‘No,’ James said. ‘No, it won’t.’

It was never the same twice, not ever.

‘It’s not every day I see a boy your age stop to stare at the sky.’ He was even closer now, but on the other side of the alley. James hadn’t heard him move.

‘Do you have a name?’

‘...James. Do you?’

‘Aye, but it’s not what I’m giving away. Just the charms. It’s nice to meet you, nevertheless, young James.’

‘Are they magic, then?’

‘Ha, yeah, you could say that.’ He laughed. A green stone joined the blue one skipping across his knuckles.

‘Shouldn’t you be small and ugly? With really tight boots?’

‘And a pot of gold?’ the man added. ‘That what they say in the stories?’

‘That’s what Gran-Da says, anyway. I saw one once.’

Really?’ He was right behind James now. The last of the day’s light fled the dark blue approach of evening. James pulled his coat right up around him against the chill.

‘Gran-Da reckons so. I heard some rustling and saw little feet in the bushes, but…’ James shrugged.

The man’s eyes, uncomfortably intense a moment before, softened. He came forward so they stood side by side. ‘Well now, mayhap you did, after all,’ he said. ‘Woulda been a baby, that being the case. Just like humans, you come out all scrunched up and abnormal looking, like crushed red flowers, but after a while, you wait and see, you begin to blossom. So it is with us. ‘Course some of us stay short and ugly, but happily that weren’t the case with me.’

James appraised the man for some sign he was joking, some hint that his leg was being pulled, and found none. He was perfectly serious.

‘How come we only think of you like that then?’

‘Takes a long, long time for us to blossom,’ he said. When James looked on, clearly unconvinced, he added. ‘Stories aren’t always right, lad.’

‘Gran-Da woulda told me,’ James said gravely.

‘Oh, I’ve no doubt about that, had he known. Or remembered. Things like this tend to slip their minds, you know. Short, ugly little dwarves with pots of gold tend to be a lot more noticeable than, say, fellas like myself,’ he grinned.

James couldn’t fault that reasoning. He glanced down the street and back the way he’d come; shops were closed and the road was empty. ‘Are you doing this?’ he said.

‘No.’

‘It’s nice.’ He breathed deep, letting the quiet settle over him.

Three stones traipsed across his knuckles, from one hand to the other, a small jumbled rainbow. ‘Tell me something, lad, if nothing else, why are you still here?’

James hunched his shoulders, breath puffing in front of him. ‘What’s the hurry?’

‘Won’t your Ma and Da be worried?’

‘Ma’s drunk.’

Stars, scattershot across the night, blinked down.

‘And you don’t want the charms?’ came the soft, harried reply. ‘You’re a tough sell.’

‘Didn’t say that,’ James said.

‘Then – ‘

‘Weren’t you ever told not to take things off strangers? I was. Loads of times. I don’t even know your name.’

He hesitated for the longest time. ‘Call me Lucky. They all do.’

‘Are you?’

‘Aye, lad,’ Lucky said, bitterness lacing his voice. ‘If anything, I’m that.’

‘You don’t sound happy about it,’ James said softly.

The restless charms came to a stop. His outstretched fingers trembled.

‘I suppose not. It’s the strangest thing, luck. Was a time when people didn’t know what it was; there wasn’t even a name for it. A tree would fall and miss me by a breath, and people would say, “that’s Lucky for ya! Blessed by the gods.” I’d skip along, whistle a tune and not think another thought about it. Death has passed me by a thousand thousand times; I’ve heard his footsteps, his rattling breath, but never felt his touch.’ Lucky paused, voice husky in the dark.

He poured the stones into one cupped hand and they fell, chiming musically against one another. ‘Tell me, James, do you think I’m blessed?’

‘Does it matter, when you don’t?’ James paused. ‘Have you never given them away before?’

‘Just the once,’ Lucky replied. ‘To a boy named Jack. Told him they were as good as a money tree; little twat took it literal, buried them in the ground. Can’t say it turned out too well, least not for most. In the end, they came back to me. They always do.’

‘Gran-Da never held much by luck,’ James said. ‘Said it was a cruel thing, and not to go looking for it, or wait around for it. Nothing like a hard day’s work to set you right, he’d say.’ He rubbed his hands together, fingers numb from the cold.

Lucky seemed to deflate, such was the sigh he let loose. ‘I still can’t figure it out.’

‘What’s that?’ James wondered if his Ma had noticed his absence yet. Probably not, he decided, especially if one of his “Uncles” was around.

‘You,’ Lucky said.

James shifted, uncomfortable. ‘How did you get here, anyway?’

Lucky shrugged. ‘I go where the stones take me.’ He wouldn’t meet James’ eyes.

‘You’re a bad liar,’ James said. ‘I think it’s time for me to go home.’ Putting his hands in his pockets once more, he set off.

‘I prayed!’ Lucky called out, just loud enough to halt James. ‘Alright? I prayed and prayed to go somewhere hopeless, somewhere that magic was dead; a place in which luck was meaningless. They don’t always listen, the stones, the gods or whoever, but this time, they brought me here.’ He was panting. ‘Don’t go, lad. You can’t leave me here.’

For a moment James wavered, and Lucky thought he’d come back, that he still had some hope of losing the charms.

‘Sorry,’ James said, ‘Looks like you got your wish.’ He turned and walked off, beneath the manifold eyes of the stars. He didn’t see the beatific smile break across Lucky’s face as the charms lost their colour and faded away to ash. He didn’t need to.

*

Lucky stood atop the cliff, staring down at the sea.

It glimmered in the sun, waves radiating out in crisp white lines; the myriad wrinkles of Poseidon’s eternal face. You always did know how to put on a good show, old boy, he thought and breathed deep. He tottered on the edge of the world, revelling in the thrill of chance, of misfortune-to-be. It could all end here. It should, he knew, but something held him back, something unexpected – the image of a small, sad Irish boy walking down the streets of Dublin.

*

James stood outside his house, biting his lip.

There was a semi-trailer outside, which meant ‘Uncle’ Mick was over. Lights flickered in two of the windows – the electricity was out again. Just get it over with already, he told himself. He hurried up the steps. Two workman boots, crusted with cement mix, spilled untidily in front of the door. Small rocks were scattered through the dust leaking out of one; James stepped over them without thought.

He opened the door slightly; musty, scented air drifted out, propelled by a woman’s throaty laugh and a man’s whispered words. Right now, at that very moment, it could be anyone in there. Just an ordinary man and woman waiting for their son to come home. His hand shook.

‘Ease up there, laddie, before you break those shiny little teeth of yours,’ a familiar voice murmured.

With an effort, James unclenched his jaw. He took a few deep breaths, looked down the steps where a man lay, legs carelessly splayed, darkness shadowing his face. ‘What are you doing here?’ James hissed.

‘Why, waiting for you of course.’

‘Well, you waited for nothing,’ James said and moved to go inside. He didn’t want any more to do with this strangeness, he just wanted to be alone.

‘I owe you, boy. You may not know this about my kind, but we pay our debts and that’s a fact.’

‘You owe me nothing. There, okay? You’re free to go.’

‘You think it’s that easy?’ Lucky exploded into motion, a pale blur that arrived in front of James the moment he stopped speaking. His teeth were short and sharp, skin sallow and sagging beneath the weight of wrinkles. He pointed a finger at the boy, its tip long and pointed. The half-light of the moon revealed just how much he’d aged in so short a time.

‘You do not bind one such as myself into debt without consequences, boy,’ Lucky spat. ‘Nor can it be cast off so lightly.’

James froze, eyes huge and black. ‘I-I just…I didn’t –‘

Lucky stepped back, shocked. ‘I’m sorry, James. Truly, I am. I’m losin’ myself, faster than I can say. Would it be so bleedin’ hard of ya to just accept a gift?’

Somehow, he seemed even sadder than before, James realised. He let the door close softly. ‘I don’t want your life,’ he said. ‘I don’t need anything from anyone.’

Lucky’s shoulders dropped. He sighed and let himself sink down onto the steps, joints creaking with age. His hair was long and white; it tickled his chin as it stirred restlessly around his shoulders.

‘You don’t need anythin’ you say?’

James hesitated, nodded shortly.

‘What about your Da, then?’ Lucky closed his eyes, not wanting to see the impact those words would have. ‘You don’t need him?’

‘He’s just a picture,’ James said, instinctively parroting his Ma. ‘Less, sometimes.’ He looked away. When she was at her worst, mouth contorted in distaste, angry red lines traced fragmented webs beneath her skin; she’d brandish the photo like a weapon.

‘And your Ma? Does she need anything?’

James stayed quiet for a little while. ‘You can’t fix her.’

Lucky shivered. It was getting colder. ‘No, probably not. But I can help. I can point the way, maybe…just maybe…’ his breath rattled in his chest. James shuffled closer as Lucky’s voice faded, grown whisper-thin with age. ‘I can hear him, you know. Bastard’s footsteps are getting closer and that rattle…or is it mine?’ His milky white eyes searched around.

James wondered what Gran-Da would do in this situation, would he take the chance? Who knew what Lucky’s concept of help was? Maybe it meant he’d get rid of Ma. Would that be so wrong? a dark little voice whispered inside. Tremors wracked Lucky’s body, and spittle flecked his lips.

‘Well, then, guess I’ll be off, eh?’ he said. ‘Can see when I’m not wanted, yes I can, sir.’ He made no effort to move, however, and seemed even weaker than before.

‘You can’t leave, can you?’ James said in horrified understanding. He had to make a choice, and fast.

Lucky’s eyes fluttered. ‘Course I can, boy. Just thought I’d stop to admire the scenery…heh.’ A ghostly grin chased his lips.

James had always sworn he’d never take the easy road, like his father had. He wouldn’t just hope for the best and buy a scratch card, go gambling or lose himself in a hundred get-rich-quick schemes. Ma’s wan face came to mind, her droopy eyes etched in tired lines. Maybe for her, though, maybe just this once…

‘Do it,’ he said.

Lucky lay still and peaceful before him. The stones and cement gravel behind them flared brightly, and vanished. James turned, startled at the flash of colour, but there was nothing there. When he turned back, Lucky too, was gone. Before he could think to ask any of the questions bursting inside, a shriek clove the air.

‘Yes! Yes, oh god, Michael, yes!’

Feeling a little sick inside, James hurried inside. The lounge room was lit with some candles, and Ma was on the floor beside Mick; they were kneeling opposite one another.

‘Ma?’

She turned and saw him at the doorway, her face an oval of warmth, a smile bursting across her face. ‘James, look,’ she said, and held out her shaking hand, on which a golden ring sparkled. He didn’t know what to think or how to react as she came over and engulfed him in a hug. She smelled of musk and spice.

*

The wind whipped and yelled and screamed at him.

‘Ha! Take that you rotten old bastard, still had one trick left!’ Lucky shouted gleefully as he fell. Age, memories, and pain rushed away. He’d always suspected the charms would be the last of him, but of course he couldn’t have known it would be so quick. It was better this way – there was no time for regret. The blue sky beamed down at him and the sea rushed up to meet him.

Lucky unravelled – light exploded – and there was nothing left but the whisper of a rainbow.

*

James woke to a blur of lights.

The sun was uncomfortably warm on his skin and his shirt prickled with sweat. He blinked a few times and the lights outside his window – a rainbow? – vanished. He got up and went downstairs, drawn by the rattle of kitchenware and a delicious smell. Ma was by the stove, with pancakes sizzling in front of her. It was still early, he thought wonderingly. A box of cereal was on the table. He sat down slowly, disbelieving.

She turned and smiled at him. ‘I’m making your favourite, love,’ she said, as though this was normal. ‘Michael will be down in a sec.’ She flicked him a nervous glance. ‘Is that okay?’

‘That’s cool,’ he said, surprising himself. In fact, far from crushing his growing happiness, his mood seemed to improve. He felt great. Ma was up before noon, she was happy, and there were pancakes. It couldn’t get better, surely? A pinprick of unease slithered beneath his skin at the thought. Things were good, weren’t they? The stomping of feet on stairs interrupted his thoughts. Michael came into the kitchen hesitantly, clearly uncomfortable.

‘Alright?’

‘Morning,’ James said.

With Ma’s encouraging nod giving him the all clear, Michael sat down at the table. ‘Ah, Lucky Charms, brilliant,’ he said and reached for the box. As Michael grabbed the box and turned it toward him, James froze. A leprechaun grinned out at them. Unaware of James’ dawning horror, Michael blithely said, ‘I love these. Hope we won,’ and shook the box.

It rattled.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Hey Jigs! I read this all the way through and thought it was very interesting! Not sure why it hasn't gotten any comments, but whatever. I blame the lazy folk over there...

Anyway!

1. Setting! One thing I missed was a lack of setting. I don't know... obviously, it was in a very dumpy place, but other than that, the setting was very vague and it felt generic. I think I would like it better if you gave it some quirk. You kind of start it with some quirk with the whole alley thing but... in my experience, alleys are claustrophobic places and you can't really see the sky. So it just looks weird. I think it would be more fitting to have it near the docks or something else equally grungy, but less closed in. Right now, the setting seems largely contrived.

2. Age! I would really like a feeling of how old this guy is. I picture him in his teens, not yet old enough to declare himself an independent adult, but it seems a bit odd when Lucky solves all his problems with fixing his mom problem... it makes him seem very young!

3. The mom problem! I know that stable relationships in the parents give way to a somewhat stable relationship with the kids, but... why Michael? It sounded like she entertained a lot of male guests, so it seems very arbitrary that suddenly Michael would transform into a father-figure. True, there was Lucky's luck, but the mere idea of suddenly Lucky turning it to be all hunky-dory makes Michael's and James's mom character seem even more cardboardish. So I don't quite like that.

I do like Lucky though. He's pretty cool. Though I completely sympathize with James.
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I think this was amazing. Nothing short of it. Only thing that might, just might, need fixing is stressing your MC's emotions at first, on the street - I wasn't sure what he was feeling and it sort of cut me off. I love this. It was so well portrayed, the street in the sunset, then the closing stores, Lucky, the stones (great idea, by the way!)... You did such a good job. If you write anything else and you need a review don't hesitate to PM me - I love your writing style!
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Heh, yes Snoink.

This is the first short story I've written in a while. And the ending has changed three times already. First, I ended it where James first breaks the charms hold on Lucky. Which essentially left the piece as a short, dialogue-heavy alternative piece. Then I ended it where Lucky falls off the cliff. And finally, extended it to where it is now.

So it's a bit all over the place. Some things are already on the chopping block in my mind. And I have a fair idea of what I want to tighten, as well. It's not Lucky that makes everything hunky-dory either; he's the one that prompts Michael to propose, who otherwise wouldn't have, and for James' Ma to accept so readily, when she might not have. Nothing is 'fixed' there, so to speak. However, the next day the charms are in power (they can never really die, but they can be passed on) and it's they that make everything hunky-dory. At least, that's the vague reasoning that exists in my head.

I'll be tightening things up anyway. Thanks very much for the comments :P
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Jigs! Snoink is right, we are all lazy. I didn't critique this because it looked too long and good for me to do so. However, I feel like doing it now. So. *rubs hands together* As someone who regularly tells Americans that she has a pet leprechaun called Angus, I think I'll enjoy this.

I. NITPICKS

There was a small group of purple clouds bunched on the horizon, cast all about in pink and orange flames.


Alright, so they're bunched, but they're also cast all about? Because that makes sense, right?

‘Are you doing this?’ he said.


Does he mean, "Have you shut all the shops and made the people go away?" or something else? It's just a little unclear.

Stars, scattershot across the night, blinked down.


Just want to say, scattershot is the coolest feckin' word I have ever heard.

For a moment James wavered, and Lucky thought he’d come back, that he still had some hope of losing the charms.


Alright, so far you've only been showing us James' side, unless I've missed something. So this is a little out of the blue.

‘Ha! Take that you rotten old bastard,


Should there be a comma after "that"?

She turned and smiled at him. ‘I’m making your favourite, love,’ she said, as though this was normal.


Alright, I've never met someone who says, "I'm making your favourite" without saying what it is. I mean, what if they were wrong?

‘Ah, Lucky Charms, brilliant,’ he said and reached for the box.


I'm going to be really annoying here. In Ireland (and you said James was from Dublin), there is no such thing as Lucky Charms. First time I ever heard of the things was in America.

II. LUCKY

So overall, I really liked all your bargaining stuff, it seemed really, you know, ancient. Rather than just modern boy going, "Ooh, Leprechaun, yay!" He actually bothered to think about stuff, and Lucky's whole "debt" thing was cool. At the same time though, it puzzled me. Like, where did he come from? Was he actually a leprechaun, or just a trickster of some kind, taking the shape of a leprechaun? Why is he in debt to James? And then when he falls, who's he talking to, and why did he need another trick? I can see where your going, but I just can't quite see where you end up, if you get my drift. Maybe I'm just silly and everybody else does get it. But I'd make it that little bit more obvious who he is, and what's binding him.

III. OVERALL

As I said, I really liked how you handled all the bargaining. I have to agree with Snoink that his mam seemed a little cardboard, we know she's a drinker with a string of men, but all that suddenly changes with the charms and we don't get an idea of what she was like beforehand. Or at all. And Michael too. He seems like a nice bloke, but there's always more. And also agreed about the age. But apart from that, do as you say and tighten it up, it'll be great!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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I really liked this, and I've come back and read it twice now.

I hesitated to review because I couldn't quite put my finger on what about this was disconcerting. You don't have any of the usual problems--any of the glaring grammatical errors where I can point and say "Oh! You forgot a comma there!" and then move on to the next story.

What I do think this story lacks is character differentiation.

I love the leprechaun's character, actually. The morose, unhappy affectation that he develops is just subversive enough to keep him interesting, and to tug the reader in several different directions. On the one hand, we want to believe that he really is just trying to help, and on the other hand we know he's just an egg-sucking weasel. I like it. I wouldn't advocate altering his character at all.

However, I do think there is a lack of contrast between Lucky's personality mask and the way you have portrayed James. Because we get this overwhelming sense of hopelessness from him, Lucky's speech, bodylanguage, and general existance seems to mirror James's, rather than providing any dramatic backdrop to help us interpret James any better. I do think you need to keep James's personality similar, but maybe you could bestow him with a different coping mechanism than the despondency we see here. A few flashes of genuine anger, indecision, impulsivity could go a long way.

I also have the same problem with this story that I do with many fantasy stories, and that is, why James? Surely there are plenty of other moody, unhappy, genuinely disadvantaged youths to choose from. Why would Lucky go for one that would clearly be difficult to trick? Why not move onto the next poor sap, who might eagerly accept Lucky's gift?

Your dialogue at the beginning seems a tiny bit expositional to me as well. No reaction from James that--to us--would be normal. No startling at the appearance of a leprechaun, only measured, informational questioning. We are hit with all this information at once, with little action to help us identify and distinguish the characters.

Now of course this is a great story! I don't mean to detract from it in my review, because I think with a little work it could easily be submitted for publication. I love the ending, and the concept of the story is traditional without being cliched. Great work!
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Hey there, Shepherd!

First off, thanks very much for the review. It's funny that you should say you found it hard to put your finger on what was disconcerting about the piece, because that's exactly how I feel about it, and that's why I put it here to begin with. You're definitely right about the opening dialogue and its expositional purpose, it's something that I intend to work on. I don't know that James and Lucky are so similar as you suggest though - there's more variation in Lucky, he's charming, quick, strange, and in fact, now that I think about it, the problem is probably that James is a bit too one-note, rather than being too much alike.

As for the fantasy comment - I do think you've got it the wrong way around, haha. Often, at least in cliched fantasy stories, the author goes to some length to answer the 'Well, why this young plucky peasant?' question by crafting all sorts of nonsense - the protagonist is the cast-off son of some long dead king, twice removed, or is the subject of an ancient prophecy, or failing all that, is just that little bit braver, that little bit smarter, and more adventurous than the rest. It's not a question I feel needs answering, really. Having said that, Lucky didn't choose James, not really, he says that he just wished for a hopeless place, a place without magic, and ironically found himself in Dublin. So, it could have as much to do with the location as it does to James - that's never specified.

In any case, it does need some work, and you've pointed out some areas I intend to focus on, so thank you very much for popping by. I've been noticing your reviews recently, and they are generally of quite a fantastic standard, so kudos to you on that. Keep up the great work.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Just clarifying a few things and then I'll be on my way =)

I agree on both counts with your assessment of your characters, and only mean to add that James's "one-note" is glaringly similar to Lucky's generally unhappy demeanor. But absolutely--James would benefit from a little more development overall, and a more thorough range of characteristics!

Haha I suppose you are right about the lineage thing. It's only that (to me) it seems so odd that Lucky would continue with James instead of finding someone else after his attempt to hand off the charms goes awry. Does he see something in the boy that threatens him? Something that makes him choose this boy in particular? It doesn't have to be something like, "Your grand-dad hit my uncle on the head with a garden hose"...it can be something derived from their initial interactions.

And thank you for your compliments. I've been on something of a review jag lately!
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