too young to live

Your eyes are a mixture of
green and blue, of
love and pain; letting me know
that this is the start of forever,
all the way to the bitter end.

***
Sometimes I have to look at
the calendar to remind myself how
young I am. The clock spins
daily, the cogs push
the future towards me and
the darkness has ignited
into starry destiny.

**
I'm leaving my childhood in
the party-girls and alcoholic
mistakes; in all the dead emotions
and all the hollow words.

*
My hands are lonely without
your grip; my lips are dry
without your kiss; my skin
is broken without your touch.

i thought the first stanza was beautiful, mainly this line:

that this is the start of forever,
all the way to the bitter end.

the second stanza also caught my attention. i believe that many people can relate to that. i, myself, am in a very growing-up part of my life and it certainly is a subject that boggles my mind on a regular basis.
the last stanza, though, i don't believe gave the poem the ending it deserved.

It was great until the end. The last stanza didn't really wrap up the poem or leave it with any type of resonating effect. Other than that, I liked it a lot. I think the second and third stanzas are my favourite.

It didn't really stand out to me, but it wasn't bad. Just not something extraordinary.

I have to agree. The ending needs more punch- it kind of dwindles away. Maybe if you either add another stanza or alter the ones you already have to add something more...punchy...the poem will really stand out. At the moment, I think it is relegated to one of those things which has potential, but needs work. No offense.

Yeah... when I read the ending, my first thought was, "Where's the rest of the poem?" It doesn't really have a good conclusion, if you know what I mean.

It doesn't really have a beginning, either ... I haven't been writing enough so I threw together some thoughts. It was too disconnected though.

Thanks everyone for commenting.

First thing I thought of when I read the title was James Dean.

Not your best, but interesting all the same. I like the descending *s.

Jack, I keep coming back to this, trying to find a nice way to salvage it. Maybe some of the following suggestions will aid you in future development of this piece.


Your eyes are (a deeper shade / of turqoise) [a mixture of
green and blue, of](, a deeper wound than)
[love and] pain (will ever be); (they) let[ting] me know
that this is the start of forever(.)[,
all the way to the bitter end.]

***
[Sometimes] I have to look at
the calendar to (remember) [remind myself] how
young I am. The clock spins
daily, the cogs push
the future (closer) [towards me] and
the darkness has ignited
into starry destiny.

***I'm confused by the last two lines. They just don't make sense with the rest of the piece.***

**
I'm leaving my childhood in
[the] party-girls and alcoholic
mistakes[;](,) in all the dead emotions
and [all the] hollow words.

*
My hands are lonely without
your grip; my lips are dry
without your kiss; my skin
is broken without your touch.

***Last parallelism here makes no sense.***

It concluded poorly. Consider moving the last stanza to the top.

Thanks for the read,
Brad