Swimming Against the Kolyma River (edited)

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This is the first part of my book, 3rd draft.
Stolypin: passenger car for prisoners
lagger: concentration camp
maloteki: youngling
contras: political prisoner
blatari: petty criminal

The times in which I have found myself blinded by complete and utter darkness are the times in which I have found myself presented with the gift of sight. In this life I have looked upon a multitude of horrors: despicable things of which the common man will never see as much as a glimpse of. This constant view of ghastly abominations gives birth to the most tiring pain, and one grows fatigued by it. In shadow, I am not compelled to persist in the continuous opening of my eyes; if I were to open them I would see nothing but a blank, empty darkness.
For some, darkness is intimidating, as there is a ceaselessly growing anxiety and speculation as to what actually exists beyond that darkness. But if those who fear the dark would become cognizant of the fact that there is nothing to see, their fear would itself disintegrate. I have allowed myself to do so. I have allowed myself to relinquish the staunch hand I once held upon reality, and in doing so I now find comfort in the darkness. It is as though I am being held in the tender arms of my beloved mother once again; it is a sanctuary from the deplorable affairs of the world, affairs of which no one truly wishes to partake in. Within this haven, I may contemplate all things without the deceiving cajolery of vision. The tiring exercise of looking upon the world’s horrors is no longer present, and all memories of such linger in the deepest basins of my mind, but never enter my direct river of thought. And so I am left free to my own contemplation, free to see within myself, thus conjuring the most remarkable thoughts of all.
As was the case in the stolypin rail car I rode in across the trans-Siberian railway. It was entirely dark in every respect. Even the rays of heavenly sun were incapable of breaching the rail car’s depths, as there was not a single window or crack in its wooden walls. Yet this was not dissuading in the least, as I was conscious of the fact that if I were capable of looking upon the world beyond the stolypin car, I would gaze only upon an endless barrier of evergreen trees swiftly flying by as the train roared through the taiga. The prospect of infinite rows of trees was bleak in itself, but the inside of the stolypin would certainly be worse to behold.
Although I lacked the ability to see the other occupants of the bunker, their gripes and moans were constant reminders of their presence. The train had made a stopover at the Khabarosvk station, and at that time I had reckoned my companions to be numbered somewhere between twenty and thirty. I was unaware of how many of those still possessed a beating heart, although I was sure that it was remarkably fewer than the original number imprisoned within the car. Occasionally I would hear an awful retching as one of them let his guts fly loose about the wooden floor, which was already fairly sodden with a layer of piss. The smell of the entire place had initially nearly brought me to suffocation, but I eventually grew accustomed to it, and so even the plaguing scent of vomit no longer daunted me. The combination of the breath and body heat of my companions was perhaps more discomforting than their appalling scent, as we were traveling in the heat of summer, and the very air of the bunker was humid to the extent of asphyxiation. The entire stolypin was bedeviled by an incredible lack of fresh air. Instead, the air we were allotted was terrible, as it was afflicted by a terrible, stale taste. My threadbare clothes clung to my skin pathetically, soaked with sweat. I had stripped down to a single layer of old military underwear, presented to me at our stopover in Khabarovsk. This hardly provided any alleviation; it felt as though my very innards were boiling, my skin slipping off my bones.
Yet I was able to evade the atrocious conditions of the stolypin by the simple act of closing my eyes. I was glad for the darkness, as it provided salvation from the heinous situation I partook in, providing sufficient clarity of thought.
The days passing had long since become irrelevant. I have never found much meaning in time; I have found it to be a mere idea, invented by men who do not suffer with the passing of it the way in which I have. A man who has lived his life behind the joyous barriers of ignorance cannot understand a man who has suffered. To a man who has suffered, time ceases to exist, as his suffering will never truly end; it will follow him forever as the ghost of his unspeakable past. It is futile for a suffering man to count days, as it only increases the level of his pain. And so the numerous days I spent in the stolypin rail car coalesced together, each one equally tedious and awful to the one prior.
In those many days, I scarcely allowed myself to slip into slumber. The heat itself proved to hinder one’s ability to sleep within the stolypin, but at night I purposely diverted myself from seeking shelter within the arms of Morpheus. It was fear, perhaps, that has always kept me from sleeping much in an unfamiliar situation. During the course of my life, everything that once had appeared to be constant proved to be the exact opposite as it was ripped from me. Who was to say that the level of security the rail car provided would not be purloined from me as well?
The extreme heat within the rail car also gave birth to a terrible fatigue. When a man is left to the mercy of the cruel elements, his mind will often play games with him: it instructs him to take unnecessary naps; it will hinder his appetite; it will even coerce him to attack his brother. On many of those occasions, a man must ignore the requests of his own mind. As my mind generally yields an intelligent rationale, it is difficult not to oblige even its most idiotic commands. Yet, as I sat in the corner of the stolypin, I committed myself to remaining awake. My eyelids lay heavy, begging to be allowed a moment’s rest; but I knew that a moment would revolutionize into an eternal slumber.
At times I entered a trance-like state, most likely due to dehydration and lack of rest, in which my thoughts materialized themselves into entities before me. They were ghostly forms, scarcely visible through the gloom. The fear of insanity initially overthrew my overwhelming languor. I ignored my reveries, slapping myself across the face, thrusting myself back into the real world within the car. As the time passed, however, my ability to think diminished, and I fell victim to the insanity of my chimerical phantasms.
Before me there sat my brother, my Fabi, his appearance identical to the way in which I had last seen him. He was only three years my junior, and that proved adequate enough for me to be selected to make the next journey and for him to remain at the maloteki division of the munitions factory in Leningrad. Prison life had not treated him well; the adorable fat of which so often occupies a child’s face had entirely vanished from his. Instead, his cheeks were eerily gaunt, aging him far beyond his twelve years.
“Pavel? Pavel! Where are we going?” He was sitting with his legs crossed, a smile stretching the skin taunt against his cheeks.
“We are traveling east, to the sea port of Vladivosk: the largest city of the east.” I said aloud.
“To another factory?”
“I don’t know.” I was loosing energy quickly, but could not bear to resign from my fanciful conversation. It was pleasing to dissemble and pretend that he was still within arm’s reach.
“I’m sure it will be all right.”
I nodded slowly, my neck cracking. “It will.”
He did not speak again for several moments, and I studied his face intently, memorizing every fold of skin, every pockmark.
“Will you care for me, Pavel?”
My heart strained at his words. My eyes then grew wet – somehow my body still possessed some liquid – and I was too exhausted to bring a hand to my face so as to swab away the tears, so they slid down my face. “Yes,” I assured the ghost-Fabi. “Always. Remember that.”
And it was a lie. It tore my soul to remember the way in which I had consoled him, day after day, back in the factory in Leningrad. “I’ll make sure nothing happens to you. Nothing will happen when you brother is here.” But what was to happen to him when I was no longer present?
These visions, real-life depictions of my failure, haunted me incessantly, their frequency increasing as time passed and I grew more dehydrated. They grew to the extent that I could not open my eyes without the spectral image of Fabi appearing. Perhaps it was these streaks of lunacy that prompted me to continue living, as the memory of my Fabi provided me with yet another reason to persist: one day I would retrieve my kin.
“Fabi,” I called out to him softly. “Fabi…”
“You ought to rest now,” he said. “You need some sleep. Everything will me fine in the morning.” The matronly inclination of his words struck me as odd, and I soon became aware that I was no longer speaking to my Fabi; a woman’s face had replaced his. I did not recognize the woman particularly, yet there was a panging within my heart, informing me that the face belonged to my mother. “Just sleep, little Pavel. Sleep.”
I reached a thin, shaking hand out to her in an attempt to touch her face. One touch, I had convinced myself, and I would discover the reality within my dreams; I would truly be held within her loving arms once again.
“Your father will be home in the morning. We’ll all go to the cinema.”
There was then a great clamor, and I found myself lying upon the wooden floor, my face immersed in a pile of another man’s vomit. I looked up, searching once again for the face of my mother, but she and my brother were no longer there; all I could see was complete darkness. I was too weak to bring myself to a sitting position again, and so I resolved to remain there, perishing in a pile of another man’s feces…
Last edited by Lena.Wooldridge on Thu Nov 25, 2010 4:32 am, edited 3 times in total.
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First off, I am not, I repeat, I am not the best reviewer of historical fiction, but I'll try. And I start...

Plot

I need to know the main character better before he's placed in this camp. You're starting the story off with him being placed in this difficult situation and I'm supposed to feel sorry for him. The situation is sad and does seem hopeless, but this all too soon. Who is this Pavel I'm supposed to care about? Who is this brother who is his only hope in such an abysmal situation?

I'd start the story earlier. Show him at home with his family or wherever he was before this with his brother. Let the readers see them joking around, see Pavel teaching his brother how to do something manly, show his brother looking up to him, show Pavel guiding his brother. The scene doesn't have to be a happy one. They can be at the another camp still trying to survive, but the situation would have to be better for Pavel than the one you've written where Pavel is alone. The point of scene like this is to get the readers to fall in love with Pavel (and possibly even his brother). That way they'd care much more when Pavel is brought to the camp alone. They'd relate better with Pavel missing his brother.

Character
As a character, Pavel seems more defined by the story right now than himself. What I mean by that is what I know about Pavel is simply his situation. Is he funny, smart, rebellious, observant, social, loner, or what? I get that he loves Fabi, that he's strong and young, but what else about him? When I read your story, it sounds like he's a generic victim. It sounds like he speaks for the general people in his situation. The readers want to know about his particular situation, not the general. They already get the general idea in history class. To fix this, I'd show more of Pavel's character. Develop him to make him a stronger character. Adding the extra scene I mentioned in the plot section will also help with this.

Other
Your writing style is beautiful. The reader can really imagine the situations and feel the pain of the characters. The story overall is beautiful and moving. I like that you gave Pavel a link to his other life. It makes the story more interesting. I actually enjoyed this, despite often avoiding historical fiction. PM me if you need me to be clearer with anything here or if you need any help.
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I will review this but I must go for now.
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Hey Lena, Gsp here! I'm here to review your story, as you requested, but, quite frankly, I didn't really see anything specific that was wrong here, except for a couple key things.

1.) The paragraphs in the beginning were way too long. I'd chop those up.

2.) Blonde, when talking about a man, is spelled blond. (I know, it confuses me too).

Other than those things, I absolutely loved it. It really drew me in and made me curious. It was a bit long, but that's okay.

I would review it by paragraph like I normally do, but again, not much I can really say here except good job!

I'm waiting for more...

Happy YWSing!

~Gsp
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Heya Lena :)

I'm here to review, believe it or not. If you have any questions about my review after I've finished, just ask me through PM or something. I won't mind explaining anything or answering any questions that you have. XD

And as he is not forced to glimpse upon the horrors of the world, he is left free of all worry. Free to contemplate what beauty still exists in the world.

I don't really like sentences that start with And. It didn't bother me all that much here though, to be honest.

To every side of me, I could feel their thin, shaking bodies.


An odor of human waste and sweat plagued the air, and as it rolled down my throat in suffocating clumps, I resisted the urge to gag.


The days that passed were irrelevant to me. I had lost track of the days passing years before, when I was first introduced to the camp system. Time in general ceased to exist. It was a mere idea, invented by men who did not suffer with the passing of time in the way that those like myself did. Yet I wanted time to pass. I wished to live out that laborious life. There was never any hope for escape, so much futility that I never considered it any more. Instead, I contemplated death.

--- New paragraph here ---


Half of me yearned for it to fly upon swift wings and carry me to the land across the River. My other half was more enlightened. I understood that, once a man dies, he loses the ability to change the way in which the world operates. He also forgoes the chance to see any possible beauty that lies in his future. And I knew there was beauty laid in my future, simply waiting for me to come upon it once again. I dreamed incessantly of my child brother, my Fabi. In our first journey on the train, we traveled together; comforting each other that it was a mere dream.


My life in general, at that point, was a futile existence. Without my brother to care for, I desperately searched for purpose in it all.

There were a lot of comma's in this sentence; it bugged me a bit. I changed it so that there weren't as many commas, but you don't necessarily have to change it. I just like it better that way. :lol:

Eventually a resounding, screeching noise of metal on metal occurred as the train came to a slow halt. There was a rustling throughout the car as the other Zeks stood up. My own blood froze in anticipation, and anxiety took hold of my joints, holding them in a stagnant position. The others were silent; the usual hum of murmuring and moaning came to a close with the train’s stopover. A pair of warders then opened the door to the car, and a sudden burst of freezing Northern wind came through the opening. I shivered and pulled my grey coat further up my neck. My thin, ragged work clothes were not suited for the extreme cold of the North, but I was thankful for every shred of fabric that rested upon my skin.

--- New paragraph here ---


Looking into the distance, I could see the camp in its entirety. It was not dissimilar to the structure of the Maloteki institution, with the exception being that the men’s camp was all together much larger in size and population. There were more guard towers, each with flicking red lights at the tops. The fence was higher as well; the top wrapped with multiple rows of barbed wire. My empty stomach shriveled inside of me as I looked across my new home apprehensively. I felt alone to a greater extent than I had on the train. There were a thousand other zeks at this new place; a hundred warders and other officials, and not one of them truly considered me to be human.


The other men began clambering out of the rail car, blinking stupidly at the sudden profuse amounts of sunlight reflecting against the white snow. Some of the weaker ones collapsed into the snow as they made their way towards the iron gates, and many of those men were never again to move. Several of the men did not evacuate the bunker at all; they simply lay on the floor to decay into the piss-sodden wood.

--- New paragraph here as well --- ;)


It had been a long while since my last meal, and the thought of collapsing due to a lack of energy was a frightening one. The initial step out of the rail care was always the most difficult; it was the one that ended the journey of far too many young men. I took each step slowly so as not to trip and tumble into the snow, as if that were to be the case I knew I would never to move again. A law of the taiga: the cautious man is always the more likely to survive.


A boy, standing in the row next to me, began shaking unremittingly. His breath quickened. I was too frightened to glance over at him, to check his condition, until he keeled over into the snow and lay there, quivering. A warder stepped over and thrust the iron toe of his boot squarely into the boy’s gut with a muffled thud. The boy emitted a scarcely audible groan.

--- New paragraph again ---


The sound of the shot resonated across the forest, and crimson blood trickled into the clean, white snow surrounding the boy. It was a routine sound for me. After one has heard a gunshot a multitude of times, it ceases to cause one to jump, as one becomes accustomed to the noise. The boy’s blood coagulated with the spilled blood of a thousand of his brothers deep within the heart of the Earth. The ground in that land will be soaked with blood until the end of time.


We were relieved of the line exercise and, instead, ushered to the corners of the yard, where the artists would paint our new names upon our jerkins.

You don't need the last comma here. :)

We stood in lines behind the artists, waiting our turns for many hours as the sun crept behind our trees, causing the air to become yet cooler, and casting shadows upon the snow.

The word yet sounded a bit out of place here.

My brother, Fabi, instantly appeared in my mind’s imagination.

I don't know if this is just me, but this phrase sounded kind of weird. The mind and the imagination are more or less the same things.

I nodded, repressing a tearful smile. “It is. It is summer every day, as though you are standing next to a fire. Every day.”

You don't need the repetition of Every day here. You're only repeating what you've already said.

It was preferable to imagine every zek there to be my Fabi, but when I turned around in surprise, I realized that was not the case.


With his wooden brush, he painted four digits on the front of my jerkin: De-703. At the men’s camp, we were referred to be a letter of the alphabet and three numbers.



Overall

This was definitely a very interesting start of a novel. Like Viviel said, you can really imagine the situation that your MC is in and understand the emotions that he's feeling. You've set the mood and the atmosphere of this chapter very well; it's easy to be able to feel the sombre, rather hopeless feeling of this chapter. That would probably have to be my favourite thing about this chapter, actually. I really love how you've used effective descriptions to really set the scene and give us a readers a feel of what's going on and what your character is feeling. Your vocabulary is very, very good. You didn't use any obviously simple words by taking the easy way out, so well done for that. As for your characters, I can't really say all that much because I don't really know anything about Pavel yet. I know a lot about the situation that he's in, but I don't really know anything about his personality. I'm hoping that you'll give him one within the next few chapters. When it comes to the plot, I certainly think that this could shape up to be something really good. I won't say much for now though because this is only the first chapter. Your spelling was really good and your grammar was pretty good. You did have a few paragraphing problems though. ;)

I'll begin with that, actually. As you might have noticed by my nit-picks, I felt as though you could have cut some of the paragraphs down by turning them into two paragraphs. While reading this, I couldn't help but notice quite a few large clumps of writing. The reason that this isn't a very good thing is simply because big clumps of writing put readers off. Imagine having to read an entire page of writing that wasn't set out into any paragraphs. It would be just one, long block of writing. That wouldn't be a very appealing thing, would it? Paragraphing basically makes a piece of writing look ten times tidier. In the nit-picks, I commented on the areas where I felt you could start new paragraphs. To be honest with you, there isn't a completely correct way of paragraphing. You've just got to make sure that you try and start a new paragraph when you start discussing a new subject or start describing something different to what you were describing before. What you have to be careful of though is that you don't paragraph too often. Basically, don't start a new paragraph every time you finish a sentence! I did actually notice you paragraphing a lot better by the end though, by the way. :D

The only other thing I will bring up is that, at times, it kind of felt as though I had to read over things to completely understand what you were saying or describing. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it's because of the way you phrased some things. It was just that it could get a bit confusing at times. Now, this might simply be me being dull. I'm one of those people who write in such simple ways and probably need to word things more difficulty. The reason I might find this a bit confusing at times is because I'm basically one of those people who like simple things more than complicated things. I do think that you could maybe consider wording things a bit easier though. This is a critique I'm not overly sure of though, to be honest. It might just be a personal taste thing. Don't stress over making your writing really simple; that's the last thing I want. I like the sophisticated tone of this, it's what gives it an old fashioned feel. You just need to be more careful that you don't make things a bit too complicated. :)

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Hi, there! This is WritingWords with the review you requested!

I personally thought that the paragraphs of this chapter aren't balanced in length. For me, the length of the paragraphs at the beginning immediately gave me an overwhelmed, tedious feeling. Not a good thing to feel as a reader. But since a review was requested, I had to read on. I noticed at the end, the paragraphs were definitely shorter. Balance is the key in writing!

Another thing, clarity. Now, I think that you must've thought when you wrote this that the reader would know about the history or background of this novel. Maybe it's just me, but I was confused the whole chapter.I have absolutely no knowledge of this part of history. Introduce it to the reader. Don't leave him/her in the dark!

Overall, the descriptions were perfect and reminded me of Nazi books. The kind I like to read. :D Mentioning a little brother was a good start to this. You have potential. Use it. :D
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If anyone could review this newer, edited version, that would be great.

Lena
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