Unicorn Killers

And he was dead. His body lay face up in the mud, his eyes wide, and his legs splayed. He looked surprised and, if it weren't for the deep wound in his chest that had stopped his heart and had deformed his spine, it was possible to imagine that he would get up again, slowly, cursing his bad luck to have crossed a unicorn. Not that he hadn't tried to defend himself. His fingers were white around his sword's hilt and he had pulled it halfway off his belt before he had been struck down and stabbed. But the unicorn had been too fast and he had been too naive. After all, she wasn't a virgin anymore. He had made sure of that already. When he knew the unicorn was following him, he had pulled her back and forced her down, ripping off her already tattered jeans and taking off his own wool breeches. He didn't intend to frighten her -- that was not the point. He spoke with her words of compassion, words that he hoped would calm her. He had told her what he would do, why he would do it, and that it would only last a minute. It would hurt for a little bit, yes, but the unicorn would stop chasing them. The unicorn would stop affecting her so that she felt drugged and she would be free to make her own decisions with a clear mind. She could be saved. But she didn't understand. She didn't understand his language and, though he tried to speak English, his English was already rudimentary at best and fear drove his tongue to his native language. So when he thrust his penis deeper into her, she cried, fighting uselessly to get out from under him. But he just pressed himself closer to her, whispering words of love and comfort. It would be all right, it would be all right.
And she was unconscious. Her body was draped over the tree branch and her breathing was heavy and choked. Beneath her, Rathnait barked, his head thrown back and his lip curved in a perpetual snarl. He circled around the tree, looking from side to side. Every once in a while, he stopped, stock still, hackles raised, his eyes fixated to something further out in the field, but a moment later, he whined impatiently, circling around the tree again and barking more. It was only when a dark shape emerged from the field did he let his tail wag. Cautiously, he lay down, ears erect. Once more, he barked.
"Hello!" a voice cried out. The dark shape was a wiry thin man with dark, almost black, skin dressed in a simple wool tunic and slacks. He looked around, saw the dog, and froze, goose bumps lining his arms. He looked around automatically, his body shrinking towards the dog. He muttered something and Rathnait wagged his tail and stood up, whining urgently. The man took a step closer to the dog when he noticed the dead man sprawled across the grass. He ran to him and checked his pulse. "He's dead." In English.
The dog growled.
The man turned to the dog and said something. When the dog didn't respond, he said, "Is there a unicorn, sir, is there a unicorn?"
Rathnait looked up to the tree and wagged his tail.
He saw her.
To him, she looked like a ghost, an impossible phantom of a world that had died long ago. Her clothes were impossibly torn and shredded, but eyes watered at the sight of the pink cotton shirt and shredded denim pants. A neat leather purse hung comically off her shoulder, and he took this off first, his lips held tight. He opened it with a snap. First, he took her wallet. Inside were a couple of crumpled receipts, her ID, a driving permit, and twenty dollars. "She's American," he murmured, looking at Andrew Jackson's face before tossing the bill on the ground. Then he took her ID and looked carefully at the picture. "Pearl," he said. "Pearl Robbins. She is from California." He frowned. "She is young."
Rathnait barked, his hackles up. The man shrunk back and looked at the field, but Rathnait's nose was pointed up at Pearl. She was gasping and choking for air, her body tense and her eyes wide open. Automatically, her hand reached for her side, where her purse would have been. The man frowned and reached into her purse again and brought out her inhaler. And then he understood. Quickly, he scampered up the tree and brought Pearl in his arms, forcing the inhaler into her mouth. He pressed down. Instantly, he felt her body relax. Her eyes opened groggily. "No, no, no," she murmured, putting her hands over her face.
Rathnait had turned his face to the field. From his vantage point, the man could see a flash of pearly white. A unicorn.
"Pearl Robbins," the man said, in his best English. "Listen to me. A unicorn is out there. He will kill us, if he can. We must get down."
"No..." She started choking.
He shoved the inhaler in her mouth again and pushed down. Instantly, her body relaxed. She was crying. "I want to go home."
"I will take you home. Put your arms around me. I will not hurt you."
"I won't! I won't!"
The man ignored this. "Put your arms around me."
This time she did.
"I am going to carry you down."
She only whimpered.
He cradled her in his arms and brought her down slowly. "The unicorn's still there, sir?" he muttered to the Rathnait. The dog growled. "Then we must go." To Pearl, he said, "Stay still."
He started with a jog. His feet felt clumsy and Pearl felt awkward in his arms, but he couldn't hold her on his back, not with the unicorn right behind him. And then, as his legs felt stronger, he quickened the pace. Up ahead, he saw the wall. There, he would be safe.
He heard the hooves. And then his world burst into green. The grass sprang to life, flowers bloomed, and the sky became the cloudless. He could smell roses everywhere. They made him dizzy.
The gate was right before him.
Wheezing, he slammed into the gate and forced it open. Then he locked it. One lock after the other. The locks hadn't been used for a while and they seemed too rusty to be functional. But they had to use metal. Otherwise, the unicorn would destroy the locks too. Already, the log walls were starting to blossom. Beneath his feet, a daisy formed. He recentered Pearl and looked between the boards. Rathnait and the unicorn were facing off. Rathnait growled. But the unicorn seemed nervous. He cast one look at the town and bolted away.
The daisy wilted.
The man took a big breath and set the girl down, for a moment. He still felt dizzy and his legs were starting to shake. He was winded. He glanced at the girl and then through the gate. A nose met him. Rathnait barked.
"The unicorn is gone, sir?"
Another bark. This one sounded happier. The man sighed in relief. He stood up and undid the locks. Rathnait came bounding in. When he saw Pearl, he stood erect and pointed to her.
"Yes, I know. We'll bring her back. The women will take care of her."
Rathnait whined and wagged his tail. The man sighed and picked Pearl up.
"Let's go."

Snoink! 'Tis Stella.

At first, reading your title, I thought this was a joke. I'm guessing, though, that it isn't.

I. NITPICKS

deep wound in his chest that had stopped his heart and had deformed his spine,

That's almost unnecessarily gruesome. How likely is it that it did both?

his English was already rudimentary at best and fear drove his tongue to his native language.

I know there's a second part, but I still think the "already" is unnecessary.

Beneath her, Rathnait barked,

Heehee, Rathnait. Now that I know your amazing Irish skills . Never heard this name, but have heard the name Gobnait and hate it. Anyway. TANGENT.

simple wool tunic and slacks.

Are these supposed to be totally mismatched? Because slacks to me sounds extremely modern.

the man could see a flash of pearly white. A unicorn.

Just questioning the use of pearly, 'cause her name is Pearl. Maybe it's deliberate and I'm just stupid.

II. OVERALL

I don't really have that much to say, only that I'm assuming this isn't the end because if so, it's a terrible ending. It's also a suitably creepy beginning, and I guess there's no need to lecture you on beginnings, because you seem to have it down, hooking us, pulling us in. My concern would be when what's-his-name walks in, he doesn't seem to pay attention to the man whom I'm assuming is part of whatever community he lives in. Which is a little off-putting. And I got confused as to who the dog belonged to, but that's not really that much of an issue, I guess. Overall, nicely done.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hokay, first off, I agree with pretty much everything Stella said. I disagree in that I was seriously confused as to who the dog belonged to. I'm assuming that it will be explained, but to have everyone else be nameless and this dog to have a name without telling us his relation to anyone really bugged me.

that had stopped his heart and had deformed

It's sort of a stylistic thing on my part, but I don't think you need the second "had" there. It flows a bit nicer just "had stopped his heart and deformed". The single "had" covers both of them.

After all, she wasn't a virgin anymore.

I'm confused as to what the emphasis here is doing. Is it putting an emphasis on "she" as in making it clear that there is a "she", or is it to imply that someone else might have been a virgin and it wasn't her? Honestly, the first time I read it, I read it as the latter. Like, maybe he was a virgin or something and he had made the mistake of thinking that because the girl wasn't a virgin, it was all right. Then I read about the devirgining...

So when he thrust his penis deeper into her

Gah, this is why I hate sex in books. It comes across so inelegantly. And while I realize that there is nothing elegant about this particular coupling, it still reads so... I dunno, blunt? I'm having a hard time coming up with why this sounds weird. Also, the way it is worded sounds funny. It makes it sound like they were in the middle of it when she began to cry, when I am pretty sure she would cry in the beginning. Perhaps take away the "deeper" and just put "deep". (Geez, I feel dirty critiquing this. *showers*)

"He's dead." In English.

New paragraph, methinks?

"Pearl Robbins," the man said, in his best English.

Since he spoke to himself in English before, I sort of thought that English was his native language. I mean, people typically talk to themselves in whatever language they are most comfortable. So... yeah... Why have him either a) speak to himself in English before or b) make sure to use his best English?

A neat leather purse hung comically off her shoulder

Why does she still have her purse. I would think that, after having been apparently on the run from a unicorn for some time, being raped and somehow ending up in a tree, her purse would have gotten lost. Either that, or she might have figured out some way to carry it more efficiently than just over her shoulder. Across her body perhaps? Something, anything.

Also, I was a bit confused. How long has it been since she lost her virginity? It seems like it had just happened, but given the fact that she's dressed again, apparently it's been at least a little while. If so, why is she still with the other guy? I mean, was she still running with him when he was killed? Why? The dude raped her and unless he was able to explain himself better after the fact, I don't see why she would still be hanging around with him. What was their relationship before? (I'm assuming that last question will be answered later, but still...)

He glanced at the girl and then through the gate.

Um... Is there a hole in the gate or something? Or does he have x-ray vision?

I'm intrigued. I really am. The title reminds me so much of Robot Unicorn Attack for some reason, but the story itself really hooked me. I remember reading some of this before (blog? posted somewhere?) and liking it. Moar plz?

~GryphonFledgling

Snoink wrote:And he was dead God, took long enough. XD In all seriousness, pretty epic first sentence. His body lay face up in the mud, his eyes wide, and his legs splayed. He looked surprised and, if it weren't for the deep wound in his chest that had stopped his heart and had deformed his spine, it was possible to imagine that he would get up again, slowly, cursing his bad luck to have crossed a unicorn. Not that he hadn't tried to defend himself. His fingers were white around his sword's hilt and he had pulled it halfway off his belt before he had been struck down and stabbed. But the unicorn had been too fast and he had been too naive. After all, she wasn't a virgin anymore I'm assuming you mean the unicorn... kinda wondering why you mention that. He had made sure of that already Um... Okay.... When he knew the unicorn was following him, he had pulled her back and forced her down, ripping off her already tattered jeans and taking off his own wool breeches. He didn't intend to frighten her -- that was not the point. He spoke with her words of compassion, words that he hoped would calm her. He had told her what he would do, why he would do it, and that it would only last a minute. It would hurt for a little bit, yes, but the unicorn would stop chasing them I either don't know much about unicorns or you have quite the imagination. The unicorn would stop affecting her so that she felt drugged and she would be free to make her own decisions with a clear mind. She could be saved. But she didn't understand. She didn't understand his language and, though he tried to speak English, his English was already rudimentary at best and fear drove his tongue to his native language. So when he thrust his penis deeper into her, she cried, fighting uselessly to get out from under him. But he just pressed himself closer to her, whispering words of love and comfort. I am sooo confused... who is she? It's okay to start with a mysterious character, but if only using pronouns make the reader assume the main character had unicorn sex I think it didn't go well XD It would be all right, it would be all right.
And she was unconscious. Her body was draped over the tree branch and her breathing was heavy and choked. Beneath her, Rathnait Who?barked, his head thrown back and his lip curved in a perpetual snarl. He circled around the tree, looking from side to sideI thought the guy just died.... Every once in a while, he stopped, stock still, hackles raised, his eyes fixated to something further out in the field, but a moment later, he whined Now "he" is a horse... :/ pronouns... sigh...impatiently, circling around the tree again and barking more. It was only when a dark shape emerged from the field did he let his tail wag Not a horse... dog?. Cautiously, he lay down, ears erect. Once more, he barkeddog.
"Hello!" a voice cried out. The dark shape was a wiry thin man with dark, almost black, skin dressed in a simple wool tunic and slacks. He looked around, saw the dog, and froze, goose bumps lining his arms. He looked around automatically, his body shrinking towards the dog. He muttered something and Rathnait wagged his tail and stood up, whining urgently. The man took a step closer to the dog when he noticed the dead man sprawled across the grass. He ran to him and checked his pulse. "He's dead." In English. Yes yes, I know it's in English.
The dog growled.
The man turned to the dog and said something. When the dog didn't respond, he I am assuming "he" is the man... said, "Is there a unicorn, sir, is there a unicorn?"
Rathnait looked up to the tree and wagged his tail.
He saw her.
To him, she looked like a ghost, an impossible phantom of a world that had died long ago. Her clothes were impossibly torn and shredded, but eyes watered at the sight of the pink cotton shirt and shredded denim pants. A neat leather purse hung comically off her shoulder, and he took this off first, his lips held tight. He opened it with a snap. First, he took her wallet. Inside were a couple of crumpled receipts, her ID, a driving permit, and twenty dollars. Wait, this ISN'T fantasy? :/ But... but..."She's American," he murmured, looking at Andrew Jackson's face before tossing the bill on the ground. Then he took her ID and looked carefully at the picture. "Pearl," he said. "Pearl Robbins. She is from California." He frowned. "She is young."
Rathnait barked, his hackles is wishing he knew what hackles were right about now XD up. The man shrunk back and looked at the field, but Rathnait's nose was pointed up at Pearl. She was gasping and choking for air, her body tense and her eyes wide open. Automatically, her hand reached for her side, where her purse would have been. The man frowned and reached into her purse again and brought out her inhaler. And then he understood. Quickly, he scampered up the tree and brought Pearl in his arms, forcing the inhaler into her mouth. He pressed down. Instantly, he felt her body relax. Her eyes opened groggily. "No, no, no," she murmured, putting her hands over her face.
Rathnait had turned his face to the field. From his vantage point, the man could see a flash of pearly white. A unicorn.
"Pearl Robbins," the man said, in his best English. "Listen to me. A unicorn is out there. He will kill us, if he can. We must get down." so... he pulled her up a tree?
"No..." She started choking.
He shoved the inhaler in her mouth again and pushed down. Instantly, her body relaxed. She was crying. "I want to go home."
"I will take you home. Put your arms around me. I will not hurt you."
"I won't! I won't!"
The man ignored this. "Put your arms around me."
This time she did.
"I am going to carry you down."
She only whimpered.
He cradled her in his arms and brought her down slowly. "The unicorn's still there, sir?" he muttered to the The?Rathnait. The dog growled. "Then we must go." To Pearl, he said, "Stay still."
He started with a jog Mountain?. His feet felt clumsy and Pearl felt awkward in his arms, but he couldn't hold her on his back, not with the unicorn right behind him. And then, as his legs felt stronger, he quickened the pace. Up ahead, he saw the wall. There, he would be safe.
He heard the hooves. And then his world burst into green. The grass sprang to life, flowers bloomed, and the sky became the cloudless. He could smell roses everywhere. They made him dizzy.
The gate was right before him.
Wheezing, he slammed into the gate and forced it open. Then he locked it random wall with a random gate with random locks on a random mountain... I'm not really feeling this setting. One lock after the other. The locks hadn't been used for a while and they seemed too rusty to be functional. But they had to use metal. Otherwise, the unicorn would destroy the locks too. Already, the log walls were starting to blossom. Beneath his feet, a daisy formed. He recentered Pearl and looked between the boards. Rathnait and the unicorn were facing off. Rathnait growled. But the unicorn seemed nervous. He cast one look at the town Don't towns normally have guards to protect their gates? You know, in a fantasy story. and bolted away.
The daisy wilted Hm?.
The man took a big breath and set the girl down, for a moment. He still felt dizzy and his legs were starting to shake. He was winded. He glanced at the girl and then through the gate. A nose met him. Rathnait barked.
"The unicorn is gone, sir?"
Another bark. This one sounded happier. The man sighed in relief. He stood up and undid the locks. Rathnait came bounding in. When he saw Pearl wasn't the dog and her together already? bounding in where?, he stood erect and pointed to her.
"Yes, I know. We'll bring her back. The women will take care of her."
Rathnait whined and wagged his tail. The man sighed and picked Pearl up.
"Let's go."

I'm sorry, but I didn't really like this piece. As you can see in my comments, I was confused about the majority of your piece. Pronouns without definite owners, no way to be sure of setting (everything seems fantasy except for the girl), no clue why it was so amazing that the man spoke English while the girl was American (I'm assuming they are in fantasy America XD), and I thought a man had sex with a unicorn for a second there (not usually a good thing).

Maybe it's just that fantasy isn't my genera, but I felt no connection to the characters or to the setting. I felt like there was no ground for me to really get a feeling for in the story.

I like the "evil unicorn" thing, but I am not familiar with unicorn lore. Never heard of a "if you get raped the unicorn won't hurt you" rule... so, plus one for originality, minus one for not being new-reader friendly.

I hope I helped, at least a little. This piece has lots of possibility and, truthfully, I probably would have enjoyed it if I didn't spend the whole time being confused.

O.O

This isn't what I was expecting from the title. And from this first part it looks like Unicorn Killers could be Killer Unicorns and be just as fitting. After getting over my stunned bunny feeling I started to enjoy the dark overtones and dismissal of traditional unicorn methodology. I'm interested in the setting that this is in. So far it looks like a modern fantasy somewhere in Mexico. I liked just about all of it except some of it felt sort of disembodied, with out any one view point. As a first chapter or a prelude its great, it hooked me and gave a vague impression as to how the rest of the book will feel. I hope to see more!

I really liked this! There where some confusing parts in the beginning, for example: When he says he had to make the unicorn not a virgin, is the girl a unicorn? Because that really confused me.

Dearest of Snoinks, it has been a very long time since I've read a piece by you, and this was the loveliest of re-introductions. This is fantastic stuff. A really solid first chapter; your opening is pretty killer, ha-ha, and your first line is golden. (It has a thump of Biblical finality to it that makes it lovely and sort of scary.) I don't entirely remember the synopsis of this story, but I'm looking forward to being reminded as you continue to write.

I'm not going to do a line-edit, for once, although if no one else does, I may eventually come back and do it. There are a few clumsy sentences and awkward phrasings but I'm hoping other people will get to it.

A few quick notes: I assumed the dog belonged to the dead man, which upon skimming seems to be the case. I can see how others are thrown, and I do think that giving the dog a name is a bit puzzling. I agree, too, with the purse and the English. None of these things (the dog, the purse, the language) are hugely important, but they are momentarily jarring, and as you well know, any break from the spell of the story is fairly tragic.

I assume you will clarify some of the details of the story as we proceed in chapters (for example, I'm guessing your man is a virgin, since he succumbed to the unicorn's spell). I think other details are unintentionally muddling. The conflict between the dead guy and the unicorn, for example. It's sort of unclear what the unicorn's intentions are (which is fine) but the events of their fight don't quite make sense (which is less fine). Why does the unicorn gore the man, fling the girl into a tree, leave long enough for the new guy to discover the bodies, and then return? If his intention is to kill them, or at least the dead guy and the girl, why didn't he off the girl the first time around? The unicorn's prolonged presence doesn't quite make sense, so I hope you'll clarify that soon or tweak the existing text so it becomes more apparent.

I also wanted to take a moment to talk about the style of the story; I don't particularly like critiquing style (it's so personal and pretty subjective) and I haven't read your work in a very long time so I don't know how your style has evolved. However, I found that certain sentences felt as if they were written in a different style from the majority of the story, and that was fairly jarring, not in a good way. It's this more rhythmic writing that doesn't gel with the plainer prose.

For example:

And she was unconscious.

I don't love this line because it takes away from the raw utter power of the first line, and makes it sort of a gimmicky way to tell the story. I think 'She was unconscious' carries an equal amount of punch without detracting from your first line.

The other two lines that really struck me as being part of that Different Writing Style are:

To him, she looked like a ghost, an impossible phantom of a world that died long ago.

and

And then his world was green.

If the rest of your writing was equally poetic in that very specific way, it would be fine, but it's not. (I don't mean that the majority of your writing doesn't have its own loveliness, just that it's not the right kind of loveliness to mix with those specific lines.) So those lines feel a bit forced to me right now. They're excellent writing, they just don't seem to belong in this story right now.

I hope that makes sense. If not, I can try and elaborate further, just give me the go-ahead. Otherwise, this is a really strong first chapter. I hope you're trucking along with this because I'd love to see where this is going. If you post more chapters, I'll try and go through a little more thoroughly (also, depending on my own availability), but for now I am going to encourage you to keep writing.

Let me know if anything in this crit is unclear, I'll try and make any points less vague if possible.