I Still Want You

Hi, so this is my first attempt at writing a song, ever. I haven't taken any classes or anything like that, so it will probably have a lot that's wrong with it. I just randomly felt the urge to write a song, and this is what it became. Please tell me how I can improve

To help you get the tune of it, it's a fast tempo and upbeat. Genre, probably rock or pop-rock. I tried to make it the opposite of very sad/very angry break-up songs and give it a lighter vibe.

Edit: Wow! Thank you all for your reviews, both positive and negative. I'll try and re-do some of the last verse and see how that goes. And Firestarter, let me see if I can write out that whistle solo. It's kind of like *wu woh who, whu who woo*, err... I'm just going to stop now.

-----------------

Magazines, underwear, origami planes coat my room
This should be the time when I have gotten over you
But I don't want to
I still want you


CHORUS:
Whoa oh, oh, oh, Whoa oh, oh, oh (x2)
I still want you
Whoa oh, oh, oh, Whoa oh, oh, oh (x2)
I still want you


You can't deny that we were sweet
Jumping off bridges into the deep
We swam with octopuses, I mean octopi
We would laugh at the stupidest things
Dogs wore pants, Mars had wings
Now I still want you
I still want you


CHORUS


And I know all good things come to an end,
But now we're not even f*in friends,
Not even on Facebook
I know I was stupid on Thursday
But you egged my house on Friday
And now it's Sunday
And I still want you
I still want you


CHORUS


Come back to my apartment, there's room for two
I'll pick up my underwear, just for you
I'll never hurt you again, I swear it on this song
I don't want to bore you and this gettin' pretty long,
So just let me say:
I really want you
And I think I love you


Whoa oh, oh, oh, Whoa oh, oh, oh (x2)
I still want you, I need you
Whoa oh, oh, oh, Whoa oh, oh, oh (x2)
I still love you, I love you
*epic whistling solo*

Hey, I'm Ktg17!
Happy Reviewing Sunday!

F.Y.I., I never review Lyrics, so I'll do my best with this.
This was pretty good for your first song. I can totally see this on the radio in the future. I liked this because it was humorous but still sweet.

Hope this helps!

A bit weird , it would not be a song I would listen to.
It could be better written ,but I guess the point of it is for it to be the mind of the main character.
The "whoa oh's" are a bit annoying. I'm sure some girls would like it.

"HELLOOOO LAS VEGAS!!!!
Darlin, Darling, You were wonderful, epic, amazing!
Here's my card."
As the agent inside of me said, IT WAS AMAZING!!
Very random and cool and super funny!!!
You DO NOT NEED TO IMPROVE!!!!!! the best part of songwriting is that you can sing what you want and people won't criticize you for it (unless your Justin Beiber no offence to Beiber lovers).
It was great!!!!!! !
CHOW FOR NOW,
sionarama
p.s.
no seiriously, take it!! No one wants my card...

Wariofart wrote:Hi, so this is my first attempt at writing a song, ever. I haven't taken any classes or anything like that, so it will probably have a lot that's wrong with it. I just randomly felt the urge to write a song, and this is what it became. Please tell me how I can improve

To help you get the tune of it, it's a fast tempo and upbeat. Genre, probably rock or pop-rock. I tried to make it the opposite of very sad/very angry break-up songs and give it a lighter vibe.

-----------------

Magazines, underwear, origami planes coat my room
This should be the time when I have gotten over you
But I don't want to
I still want you


CHORUS:
Whoa oh, oh, oh, Whoa oh, oh, oh (x2)
I still want you
Whoa oh, oh, oh, Whoa oh, oh, oh (x2)
I still want you


You can't deny that we were sweet
Jumping off bridges into the deep
We swam with octopuses, I mean octopi
We would laugh at the stupidest things
Dogs wore pants, Mars had wings
Now I still want you
I still want you


CHORUS


And I know all good things come to an end,
But now we're not even f*in friends,
Not even on Facebook
I know I was stupid on Thursday
But you egged my house on Friday
And now it's Sunday
And I still want you
I still want you


CHORUS


Come back to my apartment, there's room for two
I'll pick up my underwear, just for you
I'll never hurt you again, I swear it on this song
I don't want to bore you and this gettin' pretty long,
So just let me say:
I really want you
And I think I love you


Whoa oh, oh, oh, Whoa oh, oh, oh (x2)
I still want you, I need you
Whoa oh, oh, oh, Whoa oh, oh, oh (x2)
I still love you, I love you
*epic whistling solo*

Hey i just want to say that i didnt like the start =/
Good luck next time

Hey Wario!

I really liked this, actually! I'm very impressed about the fact that you (apparently?) wrote the music to it, too. I'd be very interested in hearing this with music, or just the instrumental version. I can definitely see/hear this played.

With songs it's a bit different, because you sort of hear the song whether or not you wanted to (unless you turn it off), but if this were a short story, I would be hooked by the first line. The first line and the last line are the most important parts to me in a story, so even though this is a song, the beginning is great. I also like the octopus and the Facebook things, they're add nice touches and sort of bring this closer to the listeners/readers/us. I don't know how to explain it, but I hope you get what I mean.

Something I didn't really like was in the last verse, when you started talking "this song" and how it was getting long and all. I don't know. I generally dislike it when the authors say things "this poem is for you" or "I swear it on this song" in the actual work itself. I don't know why I don't like it.

Otherwise, one of the nicest songs I've read here on YWS. Hopefully I said something of significance!


Demeter
x

haha this is cute I LOVE the lyrics they capture emotion and of course the fact that they're funny makes it appealing.
It sucks the way you can't hear the music here...but if there was a melody to it, it would be a hit So keep writing lyrics.
5/5 Loved it

its interesting.
although, i never heard of a song like this.
kind of weird lyrics. thats what makes this really
interesting. o_< -wink-

Hey Wariofart!

This kind of reminded me of 2ge+her! If you haven't heard their music, check them out. They were a boy band when boy bands were cool... and they totally ripped every boy band ever. XD

Anyway, the little part with underwear? It's so ridiculous that it might as well be parody. So good job on that!

Hey Wario,

You psoted in my thread so I guess you want a review.

I'm not sure if this is completely serious or not, the line about the plural of octopus was particularly a bit strange. I reckon it would be better if you included some more details/anecdotes and stopped repeating "I want you" (except for the chorus, naturally) because most of your verses don't have a lot to them when these should be the places where you're really being creative.

Also, I really want to hear the epic whistling solo ...

i really enjoyed this song it was relatable and i liked that keep it up

Having in mind this was your very first attempt, I'd say you're off to a good start.
One of the things I liked is that you understand the concept of telling a story, and it's not just pointless words jumbled together.. unlike some other stuff I read. (:
Criticism wise, flow... get into writing in a manner where the words run more smoothly, and choice of words could vary a little more, but you know what... you are far ahead of where I was with my first song so I'm just going to shut up and sat great work.