The Arrow Wielder (Prologue)

The streaming sound as the speeding arrow head breaks the wind. The thud as the target circle brings it to an end. The target had been reached, the spongy, red middle pierced. One hundred and fifty yards away, Raimondi, or Ray as he’s known, is waiting; he cannot see his result. He puts the bow down and kneels to the floor, his hands on his head.
“How did I do?” he asks his instructor.
“I know as much as you, Ray.” came the reply. Neither of them could see through the obstructing leaves which still swayed where the arrow head had brushed past to reach the target. These exercises were common in Ray’s tuition. He was training to be a sharp shooter in the war against the West. The East and West had hated each other since before time began, or so the legend says. The boy and the instructor stood, faced each other and walked in apprehensive silence. Pushing branches and leaves away from their faces, the two walked on through the forest. Not long after, the two reached the target. To Ray’s relief and surprise, the target had been breached. Beaming, Ray turned to his master. Gitso, Ray’s instructor, did not crack a smile. And without staring for any longer, he turned and started to walk back the way he’d come.
“And again.” Gitso called. Ray trotted after him, trying to keep up.
“what’s wrong, master?” asked Ray.
“In battle, young one. There will not be one target to hit, there will be many. There will be too many. You must learn to let go of your ‘laid back’ attitude and learn to stay focussed. I want you to try again, one lucky shot will not win you the war.
“Understood, master.” said Ray obediently. Ray and Gitso clambered to the top of a small mountain. Gitso must have already prepared the sight; there was another bow, laden on the ground. And more arrows standing up against a post. Gitso turned to Ray and said:
“You have been training with me for over three years now. It is time.”
“The final test, master? Am I ready?”
“You know in your heart whether you’re ready. You have two options, you can either turn back now; you will not have failed, but you will try again another day. Or you can take the test today, and start your career in the army and as a man.” Ray looked puzzled, and had to re-evaluate what his master had just said.
“And what is my task, master?” asked Ray.
“I cannot tell you. All you can know for now is that from the moment you touch the arrows leaning against the post, your assessment has begun.
Ray walked and walked, pacing in circles around the leather sack that held the arrows. Gitso sat, looking out at the nearby mountains. Crystal ice on some, bright green grass on others, most were covered by a thick shade of mist. After almost an hour. Ray had come to a decision.
“Master Gitso. You have taught me well over the years and have invested your time in me. It would be an honour to make you proud now by taking on this life changing challenge.” Ray jogged over to the leather sack, moving quickly due to adrenaline. Taking time to pause and look over what he was about to do, Ray reached out his fingers and touched the sack. After the touch, the task had started. Other than a small bird flying past; nothing happened. Ray looked over to Gitso.
“Master, what do I do?” asked Ray.
“first, you must pick up the bow.” replied Gitso. Ray moved over to the bow, and nervously picked it up. “Now, there is a target somewhere within shooting range and in sight. Your objective is simple, you must hit it.” Ray did not say another word, but exhaled deeply, realizing that the task would not be easy.
“You have twenty minutes.” added Gitso.
Ray looked around for the target; down in the forest below, up high. It wasn’t until he looked around the mountains for the third time that he saw it, behind the thick sheet of mist on the next mountain in the range: the target. Drawing an arrow from the sack, Ray stood comfortably, keeping his balance. The arrow was pulled back. Ray breathed deeply and slowly, both eyes kept open, took time to angle right and finally released the arrow.

Hey! I am here to review!(: I don't mean to hurt your feelings. (:

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thatboy wrote:The streaming sound as the speeding arrow head breaks the wind. The thud as the target circle brings it to an end. The target had been reached, the spongy, red middle pierced. One hundred and fifty yards away, Raimondi, or Ray as he’s known, is waiting; he cannot see his result. He puts the bow down and kneels to the floor, his hands on his head.
“How did I do?” he asks his instructor.
“I know as much as you, Ray.” came the reply. Neither of them could see through the obstructing leaves which still swayed where the arrow head had brushed past to reach the target. These exercises were common in Ray’s tuition. He was training to be a sharp shooter in the war against the West. The East and West had hated each other since before time began, or so the legend says. The boy and the instructor stood, faced each other and walked in apprehensive silence. Pushing branches and leaves away from their faces, the two walked on through the forest. Not long after, the two reached the target. To Ray’s relief and surprise, the target had been breached. Beaming, Ray turned to his master. Gitso, Ray’s instructor, did not crack a smile. And without staring for any longer, he turned and started to walk back the way he’d come.
“And again.” Gitso called. Ray trotted after him, trying to keep up.
“What’s wrong, master?” asked Ray.
“In battle, young one. There will not be one target to hit, there will be many. There will be too many. You must learn to let go of your ‘laid back’ attitude and learn to stay focussed. I want you to try again, one lucky shot will not win you the war."
“Understood, master.” said Ray obediently. Ray and Gitso clambered to the top of a small mountain. Gitso must have already prepared the sight; there was another bow, laden on the ground. And more arrows standing up against a post. Gitso turned to Ray and said:
“You have been training with me for over three years now. It is time.”
“The final test, master? Am I ready?”
“You know in your heart whether you’re ready. You have two options, you can either turn back now; you will not have failed, but you will try again another day. Or you can take the test today, and start your career in the army and as a man.” Ray looked puzzled, and had to re-evaluate what his master had just said.
“And what is my task, master?” asked Ray.
“I cannot tell you. All you can know for now is that from the moment you touch the arrows leaning against the post, your assessment has begun."
Ray walked and walked, pacing in circles around the leather sack that held the arrows. Gitso sat, looking out at the nearby mountains. Crystal ice on some, bright green grass on others, most were covered by a thick shade of mist. After almost an hour. Ray had come to a decision.
“Master Gitso. You have taught me well over the years and have invested your time in me. It would be an honour to make you proud now by taking on this life changing challenge.” Ray jogged over to the leather sack, moving quickly due to adrenaline. Taking time to pause and look over what he was about to do, Ray reached out his fingers and touched the sack. After the touch, the task had started. Other than a small bird flying past; nothing happened. Ray looked over to Gitso.
“Master, what do I do?” asked Ray.
“First, you must pick up the bow.” replied Gitso. Ray moved over to the bow, and nervously picked it up. “Now, there is a target somewhere within shooting range and in sight. Your objective is simple, you must hit it.” Ray did not say another word, but exhaled deeply, realizing that the task would not be easy.
“You have twenty minutes.” added Gitso.
Ray looked around for the target; down in the forest below, up high. It wasn’t until he looked around the mountains for the third time that he saw it, behind the thick sheet of mist on the next mountain in the range: the target. Drawing an arrow from the sack, Ray stood comfortably, keeping his balance. The arrow was pulled back. Ray breathed deeply and slowly, both eyes kept open, took time to angle right and finally released the arrow.

Okay, I enjoyed reading this very much. Everything seemed well written and interesting to read. I can't wait to read the next chapter!(: Good job!

I like this. My review as I went through:

"The streaming sound as the speeding arrow head breaks the wind."
... The streaming sound what? This is what's known as a fragment. As in, a fragment of a sentence. It doesn't really form a complete idea. You could change it to "There's a streaming sound as a speeding arrow head breaks the wind", or, "The speeding arrow head broke the wind, making a streaming sound." Something like that. ... Pft. Sorry. It has to be said, on behalf of the immature people who might read this someday and totally miss the meaning of the sentence and focus right in on... "BREAKS WIND! HAHA. XD"
Remember, the first sentence in a work is very important, because it has to catch the reader's attention. My attention was caught, but not because of a story. It was because of an error and two words that - when placed near each other - can sound a bit odd.

After reading the second sentence: OOOOOh... XD Now it makes much more sense. Ignore the fragment comment. I totally just played the part of the Microsoft Word spell-checker who doesn't get when you're using fragments trying to use some dramatic style thing... I have that problem all the time. XD

"he asks his instructor.
“I know as much as you, Ray.” came the reply."
Watch your tenses. Asks. Came. For the first part you used present tense, and then you switched to past tense. Personally, I prefer past tense, and I think present tense sounds a bit odd. You CAN use present tense, just make sure you're using it the whole way through.

"The boy and the instructor stood, faced each other and walked in apprehensive silence." I'm picturing the two of them standing up, turning sharply - military style - to look at each other, and then doing the grapevine walking sideways as they still look at each other. XD Maybe reword that, a little? XD

"...focussed." Focused. But remember, in a novel there will be many typos to find, not just one. Sorry, lol. I couldn't resist. Just remember: Spell check is your friend.

"Ray and Gitso clambered to the top of a small mountain." Yay oxymorons! But right now all I can think of is them like giants, stepping up onto a huge, rock-like thing... Actually it's probably fine. Maybe I'm just in an odd state of mind right now. XD

"...prepared the sight" Site.

“first, you must pick up the bow.” NO. I thought that first he had to jump on one foot while singing 'I'm a Little Teapot' and juggling platapi... See what I mean about that odd state of mind? Just ignore this little line of text...

Pretty good. ^^ I didn't notice so many errors, and your writing was pretty good, other than a few places where it felt a little stiff, like you were trying too hard to make Gitso the wise instructor and Ray the willing pupil. At one point I actually thought 'Suck up' at Ray. Still, like I mentioned, I'm in an odd mood. A goofy mood. Probably not the right mood with which to review a solemn, serious piece...

Still. Good! Maybe I'll check out the rest. After I get a little more settled down...

Hey there! I'm Hawk and I'm here to review!

Well, you've got an interesting start here. I can't say I'm really drawn in, but this is just the prologue so I guess I have to be more patient.

I noticed there are quite a few errors in the writing itself, though, which makes it harder for someone to read. I'll point those out further down. As it is, I'd suggest checking out this link on dialogue punctuation.

One thing I noticed, too, is that you switched tenses throughout the story. You start off in the present tense, and then switch to past:

The target had been reached, the spongy, red middle pierced. One hundred and fifty yards away, Raimondi, or Ray as he’s known, is waiting; he cannot see his result. He puts the bow down and kneels to the floor, his hands on his head.
“How did I do?” he asks his instructor.
“I know as much as you, Ray.” came the reply. Neither of them could see through the obstructing leaves which still swayed where the arrow head had brushed past to reach the target.

^ In this short excerpt alone, you can see the red (past tense) and the blue (present tense) intermingle and serve to make the story confusing. Once you pick a tense, stick with it!

Now I'm just going to go through the story and point out anything that catches my eye; I won't touch on the mechanics of it since I already mentioned everything above.

He puts the bow down and kneels to the floor, his hands on his head.

Erm, so why does he place his hands on his head? It seems a bit awkward, unless it's for some show of deference to his instructor, in which case I'd like more of an explanation of that interesting ritual.

To Ray’s relief and surprise, the target had been breached.

"Breached" really makes me think of a spy sneaking into a maximum security facility, not an arrow sticking out of a target. I'd say you could use a different word that's more fitting for the situation.

Ray and Gitso clambered to the top of a small mountain.

By gah, that's some fast walking! No descriptions of their trek or exertions, nothing?

Gitso must have already prepared the sight; there was another bow, laden on the ground.

"Laden" means to be weighed down or heavily burdened; perhaps you meant "lying on the ground"?

After almost an hour. Ray had come to a decision

Holy crap, that's an awfully long time. I can't imagine anyone vacillating for that long.

Okay, so that's all I have to say. Keep up the good work, and please feel free to PM me if you've got any questions.

Hiya,

Indifference; that's my feeling toward this story. I don't hate it, as your writing is pretty solid (aside from a few grammatical errors here and there). However, what leaves me uninterested in continuing on is the idea, the structure of the story itself. From just these first couple of paragraphs, you're suggesting that he's going to become a strong and all-powerful hero who will save a group of people in some way. Now, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and tell myself that there will be an interesting twist coming in later chapters of the story. If this is the case, consider structuring this differently.

Right now you open with a pretty bland training scene. As a matter of fact; I'm not sure why you even included this. Usually, if any kind of training is shown in a book or movie, it's to show us that the character is slowly learning a new skill; that they're changing. Right now, if he's toward the end of his training, why show us instead of jumping straight into the juicy stuff? Also, the instructor's decree that Ray is time for his final test seems to come out of nowhere. Try to build up to it, in a way? Also I'd like to see you expanding upon the line where Ray questions if he's ready and possibly have that evolve into a conversation between the two. I think it would definitely help the development of both characters a little bit more.

What really bothered me is how he found the shooting range too easily. You've set up two interesting obstacles to his final test; first that Ray doesn't know where it is, and second that he only has twenty minutes to find it. With this scenario, you've made room for a really interesting scene. Yet you don't take advantage of that and just have him look around for two sentences, then find it. Forests and mountains are two pretty expansive and wild terrains. Does he cut himself, does he panic about the time? If you flesh these scenes out a little bit more you've set yourself up for an exciting mini-conflict within the first couple of pages that will really hook the reader.

That's all I really have for you today; Ranger Hawk already covered most of the other minor things I was going to mention. Good luck with this, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor x

Hi thatboy.

Before I start, for goodness sake man, separate this into paragraphs. It will make it much easier for someone to read this.

The streaming sound as the speeding arrow head breaks the wind.

This isn't even a complete sentence.

The thud as the target circle brings it to an end.

This isn't even a complete sentence either. And if something thuds, isn't there meant to be an action behind it? Right now, it makes no sense.

Gitso sat, looking out at the nearby mountains. Crystal ice on some, bright green grass on others, most were covered by a thick shade of mist. After almost an hour. Ray had come to a decision.

What did Gitso do during this time? Why was he staring out at the mountains? What was he thinking/feeling during this time? Perfect time for characterization here.

Ray moved over to the bow, and nervously picked it up.

Yes, some characterization here. But why is he nervous?

Overall impressions:

I'm just going to cut to the chase here. Main reason why I thought this was a bore to read was because of how unoriginal this was. You are aware of the fantasy archetypes and cliches eh? There is an all powerful mentor that trains an appreciate to someday defeat a greater evil. It's been done many times, it's nothing new. And here, your characters follow this cliche very closely. There is very little here to distinguish this from the rest of the pack. The only redeeming feature that this has would Ray's nervousness. I want to know why he nervously picked it up, but alas you just left it like that. I would be nice if you could of showed more of the characters' flaws and what they are thinking/feeling at least. Make them more like actual characters, not just cardboard cut-outs.

And where are they training at exactly? Seems kind of vague at the moment. More descriptions wouldn't hurt.

Hope this helped.

Andy.

First, I just wanted to agree with the posts about switching tenses, as that can make it rather confusing or just strange. Personally, I have a pet peive with present tense writing; I think it never sounds natural and it drives me nuts- but that's just me. I also would recomend looking at the punctuation article, so details like periods instead of comas aren't distracting your readers from the story.
As for the story, the topic caught my attention. I think you have a good start here, you just need to work on making it your own. Fill your characters with personality, do something out of the ordinary with the setting, give them unusual talents, or something to make it yours and stand apart.
Then, if you don't mind, I'd like to point out a few archery details that caught my attention.

The target had been reached, the spongy, red middle pierced

How is a target spongy? Just curious as to what your targets are made out of.
Also, a person wouldn't shoot one arrow. A person would shoot a whole round, of twelve or mroe- or at the very least six- before going to check the target for accuracy and grouping. Also, if he's training to be a 'sharp-shooter', he would probably be firing at a variety of targets at different ranges in one round, rather than standing and plucking arrows at the same one over and over. Of course, it's fantasy, and you might have a different reason for writing about the one arrow, but these are just suggestions that could make a very skilled training session more interesting.

...around the leather sack that held the arrows

You mean quiver?

Ray breathed deeply and slowly, both eyes kept open, took time to angle right and finally released the arrow.

I suppose there are a few who shoot like this, but all the archers I've seen have a 'left eye' or 'right eye', like being left or right handed. After a few simple exersises to figure out which one a person is, they shoot with that eye open. For example, if your right-eyed, you shoot right handed and close your left eye so that your perception will be more acturate and you won't see double. Also, keep in mind that a longbow capable of shooting a hundred and fifty feet acurately would have to be at least a fifty pound drawback, which is difficult to keep steady at full draw for any amount of time. Unless he has a recurve, which is a little different...
Sorry to ramble, hope I helped.