alternate beginnings

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ALTERNATE BEGINNINGS

2. “Second star to the right and straight on till morning!” the little kid on the stage shouted out his lines as if he was desperate for the real “Peter Pan” to hear him it was just a kids story but my mom insisted on taking me to see my little sister in her school play, I didn't see what the big deal was she didn't even get a good part, I mean really a fish? You only saw her twice as she “swam” around the pirate ship made of card board and enough glue and crayon wax to sink a real ship. Every once in a while I would glance at my mothers pocket longing to have my cell phone back which had been promptly taken away from me when my mother caught me leaving to get a “drink” every time my hand vibrated, I could see the screen lighting up her pocket and I knew that Drew, my boyfriend, was trying to get a hold of me.
“please” I begged
“no” she whispered “just watch the play” I leaned back in my seat and looked at the children in their colorful costumes as they hit each other with boffer swords every once in while a pirate would fall down dead and continue playing with the tip of his foam sword when he was suppose to be laying perfectly still. And so the play went on. kids would forget their lines and the teacher would whisper what they were suppose to say from behind the curtain but the kid would usually lisp the words out wrong or just run across the stage to her the teacher better then run back to his place and shout his lines for everyone to hear. I felt like the longest thirty minutes of my life but when it was over I had a lot of texting to catch up on while I waited for people to hug and kiss their kids until they had cleared enough of a path that I could squeeze my way back to the car.

3. i wandered down the unfamiliar hall ways clicking lights on as i went, and peering into rooms, this house is huge! i thought to my self at i turned a corner and found yet another stair case leading to the top and third floor my hand glided along the wooden banister as i climbed the stairs.
dad said this house was built during the first world war i was half worried the floor would fall right out from under me but it had been refurbished and modernized the walls were white and it smelled of new furniture and carpet everything was so clean i was almost sad that we would be dirtying it up with all of our American crap.
you see dad got a job offer that would turn our financial circumstances completely around but the down side was that we had to move all the way from LA California to London England. so dad and mom got to work finding a house while my eight year old sister Joy and I started to wrap all the plates and glasses in news paper and stuff everything we didn't need right then into boxes and sure enough two months later we were on a plane headed to the UK. i really didn't want to go at first but my parents agreed to get me a cell phone to keep in touch with my friends, and after hours of sitting down we were finally checking out or new house my little sister chose the pink frilly room on the second floor and my parents got one of the master bedrooms, i would have chosen the other but that was reserved for guests, so i continued to search for just the right room with seven to choose from it was going to be a hard decision.
i peaked into one room and looked out the window, that would never work there was a giant tree blocking the view, next room, i opened the door and fell in love right there, it was perfect a really big room with white walls and soft carpet, it had what looked like a door that lead to another room which turned out to be a mid sized walk-in closet, a queen sized bed with a beautiful vintage style frame and canopy was against one wall and next to it was a small night stand with a drawer on the front, across the room was a huge vanity, the same style as the bed frame, which also doubled as a dresser it had four power outlets right next to the oval shaped mirror perfect for my CD player curling and flat iron and what ever else i could think of to put there. i loved everything about it but by far my favorite part was this, across from the door was a gigantic window, you know those ones that you see in every movie that look like a waffle because of the slender sticks of wood going all down and across it, the window looked out on the street and was latched with a golden hook, under the window was a soft velvety window seat with a big drawer right under it, next to the window seat was a book shelf which i couldn't wait to fill with my collection of novels and photo albums. after feeling every curtain and knob and looking in every drawer in the room i stepped back and looked around once more then ran out to the trailer to bring in my boxes and unpack.
Last edited by Adeera on Sun Jul 25, 2010 7:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Hey Adeera!

I'm guessing that you want us to tell you which one we liked and why, so that's what I am going to do! :D

First off, I liked the second one better. It just was more interesting to me because I liked that poor boy immediately, lol. The first one was okay, but a bit general, and the third one seemed downright cliched. So yay for the second one!

Now, your biggest problem is going to be spelling and grammar. Mind you, your spelling, on the whole, is okay... you just forgot to capitalize your I's, which means that you got a lot of words misspelled in there from that lack of capitalization! That should be a hopefully minor fix. ;)

But your sentences need some loving. Right now, it looks like you're not sure how to end it so your sentences are run-on and they never end... not good! So beware of that! You need to split them up properly. That way, your writing won't be impossible to read beyond the first sentence. :) Anyway, here's a wonderful article to get you started: http://copyediting-grammar-style.suite1 ... _sentences

So yep! Spelling/grammar were the main problems. Fix that and you're well on your way to having an engaging novel. ;)

Best of luck! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Hi!

I would definitely pick the second one. It has a better start and flows well. The first one didn't impress me at all if something started with that, I would tend to skip it. The third one, besides being cliched, had a lot of telling and not showing. Here's a link of Show vs. Tell: topic41426.html

On grammar: Ay, capitalization needs work. And punctuation. I noticed a couple of places where you had missed commas and apostrophes.

Good luck. PM me if you post up another chapter.
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.




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