Lemonade for Breakfast (children's storybook)

On hot, hot summer mornings, when the sun was so bright it could melt a popsicle down it’s stick and onto my already messy hands, I was allowed lemonade for breakfast.

I’d wake up to my mom in the kitchen squeezing and stirring lemons in the big plastic pitcher.

“The sun is shining extra bright today,” she’d say as she added more lemons to the giant jug.

I’d always prop myself up on the counter and watch her make the treat. She’d smile over at me as she squeezed the bittersweet juice in.

“Do you want me to do anything?” I’d ask

Every time she’d smile. “Can you get me the special ingredient?”

I’d open up the fridge and take out one orange, hand it to my mom and let her cut it in two. Then she’d hand me half and let me squeeze the sweet fruit juice into the slightly bitter juice.

Mom always placed the lemonade in the fridge to chill while she mixed the pancake batter.

I’d scoop big gooey spoonfuls’ onto to the pan and listen as the butter sizzled them.

Mom would watch the pancakes as I placed glasses, maple syrup and forks on the picnic table outside. The lemonade was always placed on last.

I would carry out the plate of buttery pancakes and mom would carry out the cold jug of lemonade.

On hot, hot days, when popsicles melted down my hand, nothing was sweeter then my mom’s lemonade.





RIP IT APART!

moved from "other"

It's kind of hard to criticize the writing style when it's a children's book...what age exactly were you writing for? For ages 4 and below, some of your description, particularly the first paragraph, are too much, but for those above 4 years the writing is well suited, perhaps even a little too easy, given how smart toddlers are these days.

While it is a sweet story, there's not really any plot. Little kids love plots, especially involving semi-bad guys, if that makes any sense. They get a kick out of screaming "UH-OH!" when they see the bad guy. A story about making lemonade won't hold their attention for very long, unless they're really young, like 1 or 2 years. So have some conflict. This is also a gentle way to introduce children to the idea that not everything's good.

I liked this. For a little kids book I think you use alot of descriptive language which is a good thing because most kids books are way too simple and annoying for older people to read. No person enjoys the kids book that says,"I see the cat" and on the next page it says, "The cat runs fast".
I have one nitpick

I’d scoop big gooey spoonfuls’ onto to the pan and listen as the butter sizzled them.

I would say, ..and listen as they sizzled. Hopefully my review helps you. Fiction

This was really sweet, but not so sweet it was that sickly saccharine of trying too hard to be sweet. Now, there are definite issues with this, but I still enjoyed this story a lot.

You seem to have a bit of confusion with apostrophes, especially with regards to possession and plurals. In the first sentence, you have "it's" instead of "its". "It's" is the contraction for "it is" while "its" is the possessive form of "it". Another example is "spoonfuls'". The s' makes "spoonful" plural possessive, when it should just be plural.

Another thing you could use work on is your transition between paragraphs. For example, the second paragraph lacks a clear transition from the first, which breaks the flow of the story. Beginning the second paragraph with an "On those mornings, I'd..." makes the relationship between the first paragraph and the rest of the story much clearer. Where you break paragraphs also changes the flow of ideas, and I think merging the first two paragraphs into one makes more sense than separating since both paragraphs talk about the morning and lemonade.

The last thing is word choice and description. For example, you describe lemons as tasting bittersweet. Lemons are sour, and sourness and bitterness are very different tastes. A dictionary is always good to have on hand to make sure the word you're planning on using means what you think it means. Also, with regards to description, I think you could use a bit more to clarify things, especially when you mention the mother adding more lemons to the jug. Is she actually dropping in whole lemons or slices, or is she just juicing them?

Still, this was a very sweet story, and I really liked it. :D

Awe! I thought it was cute. Definitely good for a children's book. Good job.

Hi, LakeGirl! Wow, this is one of the beautifulest thing I've read in my life. I really love it, it makes me remember the stories I use to read back in Elementary School for my English Class. This is precious. I loooovee your writing style. So don'T ever stop writing, okay?

~Sol

Hiya there Lakegirls! Oh my, this was sweet. I'll bet this was as sweet as that lemonade.

lakegirls wrote:On hot, hot summer mornings, when the sun was so bright it could melt a popsicle down it’s stick and onto my already messy hands, I was allowed lemonade for breakfast.

I had to read this twice to understand it. At first, I thought you'd made some sort of mistake. I though you ment to say, "...when the sun was so bright it could melt a popsicle down, it's sticky," as in, the weather is sticky and humid. I know it's been mentioned before, but this is the effect that incorrectly punctuating the word "its" or "it's" can have on the reader. Maybe cut just a little bit of the description? I know description is good and all, but I recommend simplicity for the sake of the kids who'll read this.

lakegirls wrote:I’d wake up to my mom in the kitchen squeezing and stirring lemons in the big plastic pitcher.

My first interpretation of this sentence was that you woke up in the kitchen, meaning that you'd fallen asleep in the kitchen the night before. Again, I had to read this twice. If I had to read this twice, a little kid would probably have to read it numerous times.

lakegirls wrote:“The sun is shining extra bright today,” she’d say as she added more lemons to the giant jug.

I know, for dialogue, this doesn't matter, but technically it should be "brightly." But remember, it doesn't matter if the mother is saying it. Also, you are inconsistent in your tense. Throughout the story, you use the past perfect tense. Thus, it would be, "...she would add more lemons to the giant jug."

lakegirls wrote:I’d always prop myself up on the counter and watch her make the treat. She’d smile over at me as she squeezed the bittersweet juice in.

“Do you want me to do anything?” I’d ask

Every time she’d smile. “Can you get me the special ingredient?”

I’d open up the fridge and take out one orange, hand it to my mom and let her cut it in two. Then she’d hand me half and let me squeeze the sweet fruit juice into the slightly bitter juice.

I like the idea of having a secret ingredient. It just makes the process so much more special. In the last sentence here, to better show the contrast you're aiming for, I might just say, "Then she's hand me halp and let me squeeze the sweet juice into the bitter juice."

lakegirls wrote:Mom always placed the lemonade in the fridge to chill while she mixed the pancake batter.

I’d scoop big gooey spoonfuls’ onto to the pan and listen as the butter sizzled them.

No need for an apostrophe after "spoonfuls."

lakegirls wrote:Mom would watch the pancakes as I placed glasses, maple syrup and forks on the picnic table outside. The lemonade was always placed on last.

I would carry out the plate of buttery pancakes and mom would carry out the cold jug of lemonade.

On hot, hot days, when popsicles melted down my hand, nothing was sweeter then my mom’s lemonade.

A very sweet ending to a very sweet story. I applaud you! No wonder you're featured! Man, I just love that pirate guy.

Typos!

On hot, hot summer mornings, when the sun was so bright it could melt a popsicle down it’s stick and onto my already messy hands, I was allowed lemonade for breakfast.

it's ---> its

I’d scoop big gooey spoonfuls’ onto to the pan and listen as the butter sizzled them.

spoonfuls' ---> spoonfuls

Mom would watch the pancakes as I placed glasses, maple syrup and forks on the picnic table outside. The lemonade was always placed on last.

glasses, maple syrup and forks ---> glasses, maple syrup, and forks

Now other stuff!

I think that you shouldn't call the juice bitter or bittersweet or whatever. Lemons are traditionally thought of as sour, so it might be confusing for the little kids.

And... I kind of want to see the pictures to this. That way, maybe there can be some conflict? I used to read fairy tales as a little girl, because they were exciting to me, so the lack of conflict is a bit boring, but if the pictures were pretty enough, I guess it might work. Still, I want to have a different conclusion. It seems very drab.

I like this, but I don't think it could really be called a storybook. It's a bit short.

I really love some of your description. Keep writing!

I love this! It's cute! I agree with the writers above.
Keep Writing!
Nike

Hi, thanks everyone for all the great reviews! I found them all very helpful & am working out some of the kinks now. I know a lot of people say that I shouldn't describe the lemonade as bittersweet, but when I drink lemonade, that's how I would describe, it's not sweet enough to make you smile wide, but not bitter enough to make your face screw up, hence bittersweet

p.s. if anyone knows someone who would be able to draw the pictures for me, tell them to pm! I've been looking for someone



Love,
N