The 228 Difference

Sam

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Wed Jan 05, 2005 3:04 am

Sam says... · Wed Jan 05, 2005 3:04 am

(delete)

Last edited by Sam on Tue Mar 29, 2005 12:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Firestarter

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Thu Jan 06, 2005 6:39 pm

Firestarter says... · Thu Jan 06, 2005 6:39 pm

Time is like a truck- all the wheels are spinning, they never stop until you brake. Or you could press the accelerator, and the wheels would be turning faster and faster, causing freakish changes to life on the earth.

The first sentence here is great. The second not so much so, mostly the fragment after the second comma. I don’t like “freakish”, I think a better word is needed here in such a serious paragraph.

I ran out of critique after this sorry, was too involved in the story!

It’s great. I really enjoyed it.

A few nitpicks:

- Again with the upper case words. I don’t like it. I think it takes away some of the seriousness.
- I think you could add more description to the scenes. This chapter goes a bit fast for my liking. Slow it down. Slow the dialogue down. Allow for more character relations. What do the boys think of each other? Wouldn’t they be a bit more terrified or shocked? I think they could turn this into anger or something.

Overall, good. I’d like to see the second part

*Yes, you have a bit too much dialogue! This is no bad thing. Just slow it down a bit more, and describe the speakers a bit.

Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.

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Sam

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Thu Jan 06, 2005 6:41 pm

Sam says... · Thu Jan 06, 2005 6:41 pm

*blechhh* I know it's pretty bad...that's OK, I still got revisions to do. (sorry being chatty!)

Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin

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hekategirl

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Sat Aug 13, 2005 4:56 am

hekategirl says... · Sat Aug 13, 2005 4:56 am

Erm...where did it go....? I want to read even if you think its bad, Sam....

***Honorary 11-Year-Old***

Heh-COT-ee-GUR-el

Got YWS?

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Snoink

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Sat Aug 13, 2005 7:43 am

Snoink says... · Sat Aug 13, 2005 7:43 am

*sniffles*

I like critiquing things! You took it away from me! NOW YOU MUST DIE, FREDERICK THE EVIL BUTTER STICK!

Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic!