Introduction

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When Harri was born, she didn't cry, she didn't yell, she just lay there in the arms of the nurse, and looked around. Her huge, blue eyes sparkled with wonder at the world she had found. She turned her head as she was lowered into the arms of a beautiful woman, whose hair was crimson brown, and had eyes as dark as coal. The woman's face lit up as she looked down at the small wonderful creation.
"Your name is going to be Harri, and you are going to be the most special little girl in creation" the woman whispered.
"Scar, it's time" a huge, bulky man had entered the room and was standing at the foot of the bed staring at Scarlett and the small bundle she held.
"I can't Casp, she's too perfect, I can't let her go" Scarlett cried. Caspar shook his head, and walked around to the side of the bed. He placed his hand on her head and stroked her hair.
"Scar, you know you have to, you'll see her again, you know you will, but right now, you need to let her go" Caspar sighed. Scarlett was holding Harri, rocking her and sobbing. Carefully, Caspar took Harri from her arms and handed her to the nurse, he took her to one side and explained their 'story' and why they couldn't keep Harri. The nurse nodded and whisked Harri away. Caspar turned away and looked at Scarlett.
"You made the right choice you know, it's for the best" he said patting her head.
"I know, but she's so beautiful, what if she doesn't remember me, when the time comes?" asked Scarlett looking up into the stony grey eyes of the man she loved.
"She will, trust me, she will" he promised, he kissed her forehead and told her to get some sleep. Scarlett did as she was told, as she knew, the next morning, they would both be gone, leaving Harri behind, and when the time came, they would be back to help her along her journey they both knew would come.




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Does this story have a point? Yes, Harri is going on a journey to find her parents to go on an unknown Quest.
Is it original? Yes it is original enough. In truth you're going to have a hard time fitting all those monsters in.... :(
It is also good to include about at least two characters that she should travel with. Still it is your decision to have a very
long book. :D
[color=#FF0000]I AM SICK PHANTOM![/color]




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Ignore Card over there. Very good piece of description you have there. I can see this happening myself. I just wish I had a better Idea of the time period... maybe describe their cloths a little? But, of course, that can wait until chapter 1... The only problem I have is with your dialog. Remember, you need to either have a comma (most common) or a period (sometimes considered incorrect, usually by English teachers) within the quotes at the end of everything said.

Hope I helped a little ^0^,
~otaku
~Did I help you? If so, please take a second to sign my website's guestbook at http://joeduncko.com/guestbook/. When it gets 100 signs, I plan to release my newest short story! Thanks!




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Hello Unique! I caught tons of punctuation errors.
Red-Corrections
Blue-Comments

MyUniqueMind wrote:When Harri was born, she didn't cry, she didn't yell, she just lay there in the arms of the nurse, and looked around. Her huge, blue eyes sparkled with wonder at the world she had found. She turned her head as she was lowered into the arms of a beautiful woman, whose hair was crimson brown, and had eyes as dark as coal. The woman's face lit up as she looked down at the small wonderful creation.
"Your name is going to be Harri, and you are going to be the most special little girl in creation." the woman whispered.
"Scar, it's time." a huge, bulky man had entered the room and was standing at the foot of the bed staring at Scarlett and the small bundle she held.
"I can't Casp, she's too perfect. I can't let her go." Scarlett cried. Caspar shook his head, and walked around to the side of the bed. He placed his hand on her head and stroked her hair.
"Scar, you know you have to. You'll see her again, you know you will; but right now, you need to let her go." Caspar sighed. Scarlett was holding Harri, rocking her and sobbing. Carefully, Caspar took Harri from her arms and handed her to the nurse, he took her to one side and explained their 'story' and why they couldn't keep Harri. The nurse nodded and whisked Harri away. Caspar turned away and looked at Scarlett.
"You made the right choice you know, it's for the best." he said patting her head.
"I know, but she's so beautiful. What if she doesn't remember me, when the time comes?" asked Scarlett looking up into the stony grey eyes of the man she loved.
"She will, trust me, she will." he promised, he kissed her forehead and told her to get some sleep. Scarlett did as she was told, as she knew, the next morning, they would both be gone, leaving Harri behind, and when the time came, they would be back to help her along her journey they both knew would come.


Okay, it's a good start. Just something that made me wonder, wouldn't Scarlett be a little more upset that Harri was being taken away from her? Other than that, it was good. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way, that's not my intention. (:
Katie ^-^



Stupidity's the deliberate cultivation of ignorance.
— William Gaddis