I'm not alone and the wind would moan.

standing from afar,
looking in a bar,
at the girl talking about her dream car.
I wish i could take her to the stars.
instead I'm trapped behind imaginary cell bars.
The only way i would have the chance, it would be on mars.
Not on earth gazing at the stars all alone.
I wonder why i feel so lone.

standing from afar,
looking in a bar,
at the girl talking about her dream car.
I wish i could take her to the stars.
instead I'm trapped behind imaginary cell bars.
The only way i would have the chance, it would be on mars.
Not on earth gazing at the stars all alone.
I wonder why i feel so lone.

In my imagination, we would spend so much time the wind would want to pretend.
that we didn't spend so much time together,
in all the weather.
Now in my mind I'm not alone and the wind would moan.
I'm not alone and the wind would moan.
I'm not alone and the wind would moan.
because I'm not on alone and stuck with the wind that dares to moan.


standing from afar,
looking in a bar,
at the girl talking about her dream car.
I wish i could take her to the stars.
instead I'm trapped behind imaginary cell bars.
The only way i would have the chance, it would be on mars.
Not on earth gazing at the stars all alone.
I wonder why i feel so lone.


standing from afar,
looking in a bar,
at the girl talking about her dream car.
I wish i could take her to the stars.
instead I'm trapped behind imaginary cell bars.
The only way i would have the chance, it would be on mars.
Not on earth gazing at the stars all alone.
I wonder why i feel so lone.

In my imagination, we would spend so much time the wind would want to pretend.
that we didn't spend so much time together,
in all the weather.
Now in my mind I'm not alone and the wind would moan.

I'm not alone and the wind would moan

Hey,

I shall be your reviewer.

The repetition of stanzas' doesn't have the effect you want. It just makes it annoying to read more than anything.

You put a rhyme in the title. Very Very Very bad thing to do. It makes you groan before reading it.

If I'm being honest, I don't know what constructive criticism to give you, other than start again fresh, because this. This is not good.

Sorry.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666

Hello CardDragon!
I'm just cautioning you, I'm not one to write lyrics or poetry, so essentially I'm not the best reviewer. But I'm gonna give it a try!
I'm not going to say this is terrible, I wouldn't go that far. I think that if you worked with this it could be better though! Try adding new stanzas instead of repeating the same "standing from afar, looking in a bar."

I'm gonna suggest a new title, just because I feel songs are more effective if the title doesn't just repeat what the chorus says. Get creative with it! Also, the wind part confuses me. I think you should take that part out entirely.

With some work, you never know what could happen!
PM me if you have any questions
-SodapopLunchbox

It has a meaning you know....
The poem would mean nothing without the wind.The wind represents being alone.
Plus this was my first poem writing...
And if you are not experienced in this area . You shouldn't comment on it!!!!!!!!!

Okay first don't have a go at sodapop for reviewing the bad poem, she took the effort to do it and you should appreciate it.

Secondly, I am experienced in this area, I am published in anthologies of poems so I do know what I am on about, so listen to my advice.

Thirdly, why the hell are you out for revenge it was an honest review of what needs to happen.

If you don't want people to try and review don't even post.

~Retro Disco666

Alright, listen just because I'm not experienced in poems, doesn't mean that I'm a dumbass and don't know a thing. I have reviewed poems before, I was just saying that I don't write them. There's a difference. I tried to be nice, the least you could have done was told me I misunderstood the poem meaning of the wind.
You post on YWS to get criticism and improve. If you don't like the criticism and feel that you don't need improve, then why are you on this website?

Okay. I'm going to try to help.

CardDragon wrote:standing from afar,
looking in a bar,
at the girl talking about her dream car.
I wish i could take her to the stars.
instead I'm trapped behind imaginary cell bars.
The only way i would have the chance, it would be on mars.
Not on earth gazing at the stars all alone.
I wonder why i feel so lone.I like the repeated patter scheme. So I would either make the last to lines their own stanza or try to re-word them

standing from afar,
looking in a bar,
at the girl talking about her dream car.
I wish i could take her to the stars.
instead I'm trapped behind imaginary cell bars.
The only way i would have the chance, it would be on mars.
Not on earth gazing at the stars all alone.
I wonder why i feel so lone.It is pratically the same, but the subtle differences need to stand out more, so I would add a few more in

In my imagination, we would spend so much time the wind would want to pretend.
that we didn't spend so much time together,
in all the weather.
Now in my mind I'm not alone and the wind would moan.
I'm not alone and the wind would moan.
I'm not alone and the wind would moan.This line possible in italics. Just a thought
because I'm not on alone and stuck with the wind that dares to moan.Okay, It is different and it works. Good


standing from afar,
looking in a bar,
at the girl talking about her dream car.
I wish i could take her to the stars.
instead I'm trapped behind imaginary cell bars.
The only way i would have the chance, it would be on mars.
Not on earth gazing at the stars all alone.
I wonder why i feel so lone.I would not put this stanza in at all


standing from afar,
looking in a bar,
at the girl talking about her dream car.
I wish i could take her to the stars.
instead I'm trapped behind imaginary cell bars.
The only way i would have the chance, it would be on mars.
Not on earth gazing at the stars all alone.
I wonder why i feel so lone.It is not working being repeated as it is. Maybe change the font or style on struct6ure os switch round the lines or something to make it fit better

In my imagination, we would spend so much time the wind would want to pretend.
that we didn't spend so much time together,
in all the weather.
Now in my mind I'm not alone and the wind would moan.

I'm not alone and the wind would moanThe rest is fine

I hope this has helped this time.