Croaking

Croaking
Hiadel

“Those flies tasted like shit” a deep voice said as he polished the small silver gun that he held in his hands. Folding away the rag he put the gun into his suit pocket.

“I mean, I can understand undercooked, or maybe even over spiced, but those flies were just plain nasty. It’s not right to make a hard working frog buy crap flies. It just ain’t plain right. All the trouble we go through dogging the police, sometimes I wonder why we bother in the first place.

“I know what you mean, boss.” said the frog on his right. Clasping his green fingers over the steering wheel he helped the small black car he was driving turn off the highway. The steady gaze of the headlights flicked through rows of trees as they turned onto a small street. Nothing but the moonlight surrounded them as they drove towards their destination.

The boss checked his watched as they neared the entrance of a hotel. One-o’-clock and nobody in sight. The fewer the better, he thought to himself. The lackey pulled their small car into a parking space and both of them got out. Long black pants covered their green slinky skin and polished hats topped off their gangster looks.

As the two of them entered the hotel lobby the hotel manager turned his head. The boss let the butt of his pistol show through his tailored suit and approached the counter.

“May I please have a key to room 159? It’s rather urgent.” The boss said with a smile. Looking at his pistol the manager had all of his questions answered and tossed him the key.

“Don’t make it too messy.” The manager said as the two of them walked down the hall towards the room.

Once the golden numbers of 159 stared them in the face the boss took the key and turned the lock. Entering into the small hotel room the lackey hit the lights on while the boss pulled out his gun.

“Up, now.” The boss said as he looked at their prisoner. The frog on the bed awoke and his eyes grew twice in size as he took in the situation around him.

He was strapped to the edge of his bed with a set of handcuffs and the sheets on his bed were all spread out and rippled. Next to his bed sat a small kitchen table with an equally small glass of liquor spilled out onto the table. A red bra, unstrapped and strewn across the floor, sat next to a tube of red lipstick. Looking down his chest at his captors who were standing in front of the bed he could see where red lip imprints formed a pattern that went down to his waist.

“I see somebody was having fun tonight.” said the boss with another smile.

“It’s not what it looks like! I swear! I have no idea what’s going on.” the prisoner said, his mouth stammering as he looked at the boss’s gun.

“No idea?” The boss said, giving the prisoner a fake innocent look. “Looks to me you just took all that fly money you got tonight and fixed yourself up. We’re lucky we caught you now before you got of town.”

“Flies?” The prisoner said, confused.

“Yes, flies, you know, the ones that were sitting outside your hotel room earlier this evening? In the black suitcase?” The boss said, this time with more force. “The ones that tasted like shit.”

“I don’t sell. I swear” The prisoner muttered out, trying to think how all of this happened to him. “I don’t deal flies; this is all a big mistake!”

“”I don’t deal flies”… bullshit.” The boss said, letting his words pierce the prisoner.

His eyes now looking into the barrel of the gun the prisoner tried to remember what happened to him last night. All he could remember was going to that club out on the swamp. He and a few friends had met and they all were having a good time out on the lilies. Splashing about he remembered hopping onto a lily pad with a fine frog decked with red lipstick. After hours of talking and croaking she had tossed him her hotel key. He couldn’t remember anything else beyond the number 159 that ran across the top of the key. Everything else was a blur to him that night.

Realizing now that he had been tricked into taking the blame for this deal gone wrong the prisoner looked into the barrel of the pistol with a look of strange acceptance. He knew nothing would change the boss’s mood.

The boss flipped the safety on his pistol and took one more step towards the front of the bed.

“Maybe next time you won’t mess up so badly.” he said, his voice at a pinnacle of seriousness.

“Maybe next time I won’t croak.” the prisoner said, his voice already dead.

Hello there

This was actually amusing, this whole business with flies; I have never seen it before, it was creative and refreshing. Apart from the odd spelling errors in this piece, there is nothing really critical that needs attention except for the fact that this was a good idea and you pulled it off.

Good job

Yup, this was very amusing. Care to turn it into a longer piece set in a world inhabited by frogs and maybe other sentient critters? That'd be fun

Hey there, Jet here for a review. I'm not going to comment specifically on the plot here, since it's not really the focus of the piece. Instead, I'll refer to it as concept, i.e. the idea of using frogs as main characters. That's certainly original, though I have to wonder how you came up with it. If I have to say anything about plot, I'd note that it's a little flat and not particularly intriguing.

In fact, that links into my point about the concept, so I'll go from here. As I said, the idea is very original, but I don't think your storyline accomodates for it. Basically, you've taken a human situation and applied frogs to it. Your characters are funny and your ideas are good, but the concept is dragged down by the restrictive world you've placed them in. I mean, flies could be directly replaced with drugs; that's clever, and fine if it's what you intended, but it doesn't expand on the idea of a universe of frogs, as such. As a reader, I wonder why you even bothered introducing the characters as frogs if they're only going to do exactly as humans do. I think you could make more of this if you worked on creating your own world - you do attempt it once or twice, with the mention of the lilies. I'd find it more original and consequently funnier if it were wholly original like that.

The other point that needs covering is your dialogue punctuation and grammar. There's a quick guide here, and if you search The Knowledge Base you'll be sure to find some other ones. I'll do a quick example here.

“Up, now.” The boss said as he looked at their prisoner.

"Up, now," the boss said as he looked at their prisoner.

It's a continuous sentence, so there are commas rather than full stops and capital letters. It's better explained in the link I've given you. I could go through and correct all your dialogue errors, but there's no point doing so if you don't apply the rule yourself at some point.

Anyway, this was bizarre, but definitely one of those pieces that'll stick in my mind. Hope my review is helpful.

- Jet.

Heh, I found this piece amusing.

It doesn't really look like you're looking for an in-depth review, but you do need to proofread your work more. There were a lot of small errors that'd be caught easily with a read-through or two.

The story also moved along too fast. One moment they're in a car, next in a hotel, and next killing someone. The action just moves forward at too brisk a clip; I'd like it to be a bit slower and more time spent introducing us to the characters. You could easily turn this into a parody of 1930s mystery novels. So, it's amusing and shows promise, but does need work.

As everyone else said, this was a very unique and interesting piece. However, beyond the silly idea that frogs can be gangsters, this piece doesn't really have a lot going for it. The characters seem pretty generic, the plot seems pretty generic, the writing seems pretty generic. There were some moments of brilliance though, like when you told us that flies were, ahem, drugs, and the whole lily pad thing.

My suggestion is that if you're going to go this strange, go even farther. Like Nate said, this is almost a parody, so make it one. Have the characters break the fourth wall, embrace the silliness of it all. Otherwise, very imaginative piece.

I thought it was pretty good, it offered a very amusing perspective to the shadier aspects of crime. Mark Twain meets the Good Fellas.