Luxuria

So I wrote this for Captain Classy's contest, thought I'd post it and see what people think!! Rated 16 for implied adultyness content. Short because of the word limit. Enjoy!




Desire.

It swept through her body, a raging river that flooded her senses and broke down any mental barriers that she held firmly in place. Her vivid green eyes glazed over as the dizziness washed through her body, causing her to sway ever so slightly.

I took one step closer, the heat radiating from her porcelain skin, the white strobe lighting illuminating it in the dark of the club. The dance-floor was packed full of flesh upon flesh dancing intimately, each mortal giving into the sinful pleasures of the immortals that walked among them.
She was just standing there, swaying in time with the music as she danced with her friends, when I first saw her.
Those luscious auburn locks of hair cascaded down her back in waves. Beads of perspiration adorned her forehead, creating little crystal droplets that she effortlessly brushed away with the back of her palm.
Luxuria.

I’d never felt this way before, not even when I was mortal. Every part of me was now attuned to her. I made my way through the crowd, pushing away everyone else’s thoughts as they entered my mind, only trying to seek her voice. As I got closer, I could feel the music throbbing through her veins as she let the thumping rhythm of the beat take over her.

An aching need for this mortal filled me, a burning desire that I felt was sure to consume me like fire if I didn’t have her. I needed her next to me, not just for now, but forever.

I stopped just a couple of metres away, her back in front me. I sighed, my breath escaping my lips as I closed my eyes. Even the scent of her was enough to weaken me, a smell of apricot and honey wafting past my nose.
I snapped my eyes open. I needed her. I needed to possess her. Everything I felt curled tightly in a ball in the middle of my stomach, and I opened my arms out to my sides, palms facing upwards as I sent whatever I felt crashing into her body.

She turned ever so slowly, our eyes connecting. Her tantalizing rouge smeared lips opened up into a small ‘o’ shape as her eyes grazed my body.

My body moved faster than my mind, and I was standing in front of her in less than a moment. It took her a second to register the body standing afore her. My right hand moved by itself, tilting her chin so that she was looking at me. The fingers on my left hand reached up to stroke her smooth skin, brushing down to the back of her neck to meet my right hand.

My mouth came crashing down on hers, a thousand sparks passing through my stomach as I heard her gasp under my lips. A wanting, aching, craving need filled the air around her, as I claimed her as my own.
My lips parted, the words muffled against her mouth.

“Mine.”

There is nothing for me to be all critical about. Which is good.

So that was basically wonderful. I love your description, word choice 'Luxuria' the way you started the piece.
Congrats.
THat was a pretty epic peice

Thank you very much KitKat!! Greatly appreciated!! Hugs all round!

Afternoon, Miss Austen. It's Miss Thomas here

I. NITPICKS

I took one step closer,

Woooow, first mention of your narrator, I thought this was in third person. You need to mention them somewhere.

she effortlessly brushed away with the back of her palm.

back of her palm sounds weird. It's just the back of your hand.

register the body standing afore her.

afore? Really?

Alright.

II. OVERALL

There's nothing bad about this, as such. Just that... it's been done before. I've read so many stories about vampires in clubs- written one myself (except she turns out to be a werewolf and completely pwns him in the alleyway outside). And right now, I can't see anything that makes yours stand out. I mean, it's good. But there's nothing special in your plot- or about the girl. I don't know what Classy's contest was about, and if it was for description, you definitely win there. But as far as concept is concerned, well... I know you can be more creative than this

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Vampires! Finally, I found one. I love reviewing these. I'll get going, I guess.

She was just standing there, swaying in time with the music as she danced with her friends, when I first saw her.

Following on from Stella's point about the sudden introduction of a narrator, this sentence, intending to connect the two narratives, seems somewhat stilted, especially with the "when I first saw her" tagged on to the end. I'd move that to the beginning, so it doesn't feel so redundant at the end of the sentences. The two points of view need to connect seamlessly or the reader feels somewhat cheated.

Every part of me was now attuned to her.

I made my way through the crowd, pushing away everyone else’s thoughts as they entered my mind, only trying to seek her voice.

Don't go too dictionary-mad with synonyms, and become overly formal. Here, "seek" could easily just be "find" and probably be more effective for it, as the reader isn't distracted by an unused word.

Even the scent of her was enough to weaken me, a smell of apricot and honey wafting past my nose.

I would cut "a smell of" and replace the comma with a colon here, but perhaps you can think of a better combination. Experiment with this, because as it is, the comma is not strictly grammatically correct in its current place and the similarities between "scent" and "smell" make the entire sentence seem like repetition.

I snapped my eyes open.

He was wandering through a club with his eyes closed?! Perhaps you should add an "I blinked, and then" before this, just to clarify.

I opened my arms out to my sides

This is an incredibly strange expression that I find difficult to grasp. Do you mean that his arms are outstretched? If that's the point, I find it again exceedingly odd that he's doing so in the middle of a club. It doesn't fit with the "throbbing" beat you've described in earlier paragraphs. Consider rephrasing.

It took her a second to register the body standing afore her.

Don't repeat "body"; consider another way to write this sentence. Also, the use of "afore" here sounds ridiculous in context. As well as repeating what I said about synonyms, I'll add that you shouldn't drown in the history of the vampire in fiction. Your vampire is in a club. The language you use can be flowery still, but don't use medieval words that have no place here, especially if the subject of your sentence is a modern character.

The fingers on my left hand reached up to stroke her smooth skin, brushing down to the back of her neck to meet my right hand.

This seems overly precise. I would revise it so that the reader still understands that he is caressing her, but in a less stilted fashion. Distinguishing between the right and left hands only makes the sentence scientific, which is the last impression you intended to give.

A wanting, aching, craving need filled the air around her, as I claimed her as my own.

I'm not sure I fully understand how a need can be described as "wanting". A need is an abstract concept. Rethink what it is you're trying to say here and adapt the sentence to be relevent to the character, as opposed to describing the need as the subject itself.

I agree that these scenes have been done before and you'll need to work on some more original imagery to really bring this piece to life. Vampire-wise, I suggest reading Anne Rice's The Vampire Lestat, as it contains some very sensual scenes that focus solely on the passion and love that a vampire can feel. In modern vampire fiction, the vampire appears as an enhanced human, and you seem to follow this view when you compare "mortals" and "immortals" early in the piece. An enhanced human feels everything more strongly, and more acutely, so I'd let the description run even further if you want to keep the same setting. Just remember the location if you're going to go for a formal vampire narrative.

Good luck in the contest!

- Jet.

I like when people read 'immortal' these days it's automatically assumed to be vampire related. Not wanting to sound horrible or mean there, but I never intended for the MC to be a vampire. It hadn't actually crossed my mind until Stella had mentioned it.

Thanks for the reviews guys!

Writing Words, with the super-fast review you requested!

I agreed with the person who said your tense was confusing at the beginning. You have to make it more clearly at the beginning who was narrating.

Also, every good writer has to have a setting. I had no idea where this was taking place, or when. And, what kind of immortal was he?

Maybe this is just my opinion, but I think this needs more action. To be honest, I was almost yawning when I read this. Action, action, action! It makes the story fast-paced, and more appealing for the reader to read. It needs a balance of description and action. For me, this was mostly description.

Well, PM me with any questions or comments! Be sure to recommend my Will Review For Food topic to others!!