Kallisto [Edited]

A/N: I reworked it a little bit to take a break from reviewing. The original is in the spoiler.

---

and he hides behind his falsetto
a breathy embrace with the wind,
whistling against the leaves
traced for Diana and her nymphs.

One like nubile Kallisto, who liked to
run her fingers through the sky, the tips
lingered on Jupiter’s heartstring.

He may have a serenade
sweet as the tea you pour into your crocus cup.
He might dream that one day they'll hide in the courtyard
and become synapses of petals, and send each other
coded messages in stars. Spoken in constellations,
structured points of flowering light.
He'd rearrange them to her name, if he could have her.

She looks like a crocus, a woodwind at the foothills
of the glorified mount. Moving the way you run
your knife into a fig , or through water. A silky star
bound under oaths to the moon.

But she prefers the day, always hiding
behind Diana. Another day, when the crocuses are asleep,
his falsetto will break ripples in the water.
with a face not his own he may have Kallisto.

---

Spoiler

And he hides behind his falsetto
a breathy embrace with the wind,
whistling against the leaves that Ceres
traced herself. So he may have a serenade
sweet as the tea you pour into your crocus cup.

She looks like a crocus, a woodwind at the foothills
moving the way you run your knife into a fig
to make a flower or a silky star, ready to eat.
One day they'll hide in the courtyard and become
synapses of petals, and send each other coded messages
in the dirt, or stars. He'd rearrange them to her name,
if he could have her.

But she prefers the day, and the water, always hiding
behind Diana. Another day, when the wind is calm
and the crocuses are asleep,
his falsetto will break ripples in the water,
with a face not his own he may have Kallisto.

---

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Callisto_(mythology)

Hiya,

This is really beautiful. I don't think I've ever read any poetry by you, and I can't believe how much I've been missing out. I love everything about this poem--the imagery, the structure, and the way I felt once I was finished reading this. I'm guessing this is for Blink's contest, right? Since there was nothing specifically wrong that I found with this poem, I'm going to give my thoughts stanza by stanza, alright?

Kamas wrote:And he hides behind his falsetto
a breathy embrace with the wind,
whistling against the leaves that Ceres
traced herself. So he may have a serenade
sweet as the tea you pour into your crocus cup.

I love the imagery you create in the beginning. It really sets the mood and tone for the rest of the poem, in my opinion.
The bit I've highlighted feels just a little choppy, mostly due the way you've placed your line breaks. 'Ceres traced herself' is a complete phrase, right? It would probably read a little bit better if you put it on the same line. Just some thoughts; I understand writing poetry comes with a lot of freedom and stylistic choices.

She looks like a crocus, a woodwind at the foothills
moving the way you run your knife into a fig
to make a flower or a silky star, ready to eat.
One day they'll hide in the courtyard and become
synapses of petals, and send each other coded messages
in the dirt, or stars. He'd rearrange them to her name,
if he could have her.

In the first line--that's the second time you've used 'crocus' in a very short bit. Repetition is never fun.

But she prefers the day, and the water, always hiding
behind Diana. Another day, when the wind is calm
and the crocuses are asleep,
his falsetto will break ripples in the water,
with a face not his own he may have Kallisto.

Just a thought--you've never mentioned Diana up until this point, so why suddenly introduce her now? Who is she? I'll admit that I only barely glanced over the article, but that shouldn't matter. The fun thing about myths and history is that we can learn about them through stories and poetry. Most of us aren't well versed in the myth of Kallisto, so you might want to reach out to those people a bit more?

All in all, this is simply breathtaking. PM me if you need anything else, alright?

-Elinor x

Hey Kamas! Not continuing on that 'Summer Poetry' thread? (Just curious ).

So, I had a read of the info on wiki after reading the poem, and it made much better sense (my historical / myth-knowledge isn't the sharpest). Of course, it'll make perfect sense to those acquainted with the myth.

I can't say I fully enjoyed this. It was...sweet all the way, but there was nothing outstanding, nothing that leapt out at me as being fantastically original. I have this feeling that it's meant to be nostalgic, heart-crushingly nostalgic; sad and longing ('if he could have her'). But while you hint at it, there's no conflicting undercurrent through this. It seems bright, cheery, ridiculously cheery. The vocabulary just doesn't allow for it to have another dimension besides that, and so, I guess it lacks the depth of emotion I would expect from it.

And he hides behind his falsetto
a breathy embrace with the wind,
whistling against the leaves that Ceres
traced herself. So he may have a serenade
sweet as the tea you pour into your crocus cup.

The first time I read this I had this da-de-da beat going on in the first few lines - an iambic rhythm that further adds to the happiness of it. All of a sudden, hiding behind falsettos becomes sickeningly sweet with all this breathy embracing, leaf whistling, sweet teas in crocus cups going on. Besides the sweetness, there's little else stringing the imagery together - in fact, it's totally unmemorable. I read on out of curiosity, but not interest.

She looks like a crocus, a woodwind at the foothills
moving the way you run your knife into a fig
to make a flower or a silky star, ready to eat.

Crocus, woodwind, foothill, knife, fig, flower, silk, star - that's a lot of images for three lines. The crocus is a nice carryover that links the first and second stanzas, but so far all I'm getting is little-image upon little-image that really does not add to my understanding of the characters. Sure, once I stop and think about it, the only important thing in that sandwich is that verb - moving. For now, this is the only aspect of her character I can cling to - the way she moves. The rest is frilly window-dressing. Sumptuous and meaningless.

One day they'll hide in the courtyard and become
synapses of petals, and send each other coded messages
in the dirt, or stars. He'd rearrange them to her name,
if he could have her.

Now, I feel like the story starting to take some shape. You've linked the 'he' and the 'her' here; furthermore, the actions tell us more about their relationship and the story than do the descriptions, however pretty. What interests me most here is how they'll hide - and why - and what all this coded-message-sending is all about. By the way, I think 'coded' is a word too modern, too exact and scientific for usage here; all of a sudden, the tone becomes mechanical, technical almost. But you quickly detract from that with the vast and sweeping, 'in the dirt, or stars.'

But the abstractions remain. Other than them being lovers, I have no real sense of who they are, and I'm not certain that any degree of mythological knowledge could help me out with this. I see the events unfolding in the cheery backdrop, but that's all - beyond that, I do not feel for or with the characters; I do not particularly care what becomes of them, as fascinated as I might be by their goings-on. They're just two lovers of the many. Nothing overly special other than the fact it's from a Greek myth; nothing that sets them apart from all the other love stories.

But she prefers the day, and the water, always hiding
behind Diana. Another day, when the wind is calm
and the crocuses are asleep,
his falsetto will break ripples in the water,
with a face not his own he may have Kallisto.

Okay. So, you integrate in the descriptions that seemed to run away in the first and second stanzas here - the wind, the crocus, the falsetto, water. By this time, however, it's too late. They already seem fragmented, so it appears as if it's a half-hearted attempt to string them together - even if that is not what you'd intended. And just the word, 'Kallisto' - any reason why you went with the 'K' spelling and not the 'C' one? Not that it matters - just a personal preference here for C over K due to meagre aesthetics.

Overall - not terrible, not terrific. Characteristically Kamas - sweet beyond description. Could do with better integration, perhaps more expansion on images to make them stick in our minds a lot more. And I'd love to actually feel the depth of emotion and not just see it washed over by cheerfulness. Give it some clarity, some focus, a centre point. Currently, it is skipping wildly, prettily away.

But yes, Kamas is WRITING again, which is awesome

First, in general I like your original version better. The spots I don't are because you've improved your execution of lines and thoughts, I think, such as this:

"and send each other
coded messages in stars."

Much better! Now, the problem for me is stream lining the rest of the poem to hit that same effect. I'm going to do a line-by-line, here, and hope I don't forget anything/repeat anything too badly (sorry, haven't read your other reviews!), and uh, hopefully don't show how much myth I've forgotten Oh! But first, why the Roman names? The other bit that ran through my mind (especially once I hit your link to refresh the myth!) is why not mention any other aspect of the story? It's all morbid and very Greek-tragedy (especially Lycaon!), and possibly could make this a bit more accessible to readers who don't know the minutiae of the myth. Anyway. I'm sorry if I sound mean at all - I don't mean to be! I'm just rusty reviewing, and may slip full-on in to lit major mode.

and he hides behind his falsetto
a breathy embrace with the wind, Just a thought, why not "his falsetto's breath embraces the wind"? by giving owernship here, you establish the "he" as a powerful figure, and more obviously in disguise and in control of his disguise.
whistling against the leaves
traced for Diana and her nymphs. Plus, with the above, this just screams creepy and invasive, which fits perfectly with the myth! Not sure if that's your intent, but it's cool regardless.

One like nubile Kallisto, who liked to
run her fingers through the sky, the tips
lingered on Jupiter’s heartstring. OK. I love the "run her fingers through the sky" bit completely. Not sure about your framework, though. I think you need to connect this idea more to the idea of the wind through the leaves (and all the marvelous connotations that symbol gives!), and then portrays the idea of a nubile nymph without stating it explicitly. And I'm not so sure about heartstring, at least in connection to the myth. Does Zeus do anything for his heart? I mean, even your link calls it rape. So uh... yeah. That rang really off to me. More like enticed his lust, but you can't say that outright, I don't think, so I'd play up the idea of rape with the first stanza imagery again (ok, beating a dead horse I am, right?) - but the more you give an invasive feel to the "he", I think the more you hit on the idea of the myth. Plus, I'm definitely in the camp that says concise is best, and why use lots of words when one or two will do? And as much as I love using "SAT" words, I'm also definitely a bigger fan of simpler language, so uh, that's part of where I'm coming from with this as well.

He may have a serenade
sweet as the tea you pour into your crocus cup.
He might dream that one day they'll hide in the courtyard
and become synapses of petals, and send each other
coded messages in stars. Spoken in constellations,
structured points of flowering light.
He'd rearrange them to her name, if he could have her.

She looks like a crocus, a woodwind at the foothills
of the glorified mount. Moving the way you run
your knife into a fig , or through water. A silky star
bound under oaths to the moon.

Ok. Why? If I remember any of the Zeus/mortal stories correctly, he seduces and rapes, he doesn't love. So I'm not sure what to do with these stanzas. Yes, you have some lovely lines, but I'm not sure lovely is quite right? I've highlighted the parts that I do like and could work in my opinion in blue - also, why the use of crocus? I did a quick search, and I didn't see anything to explain your use, and before I say, "Good grief! Stop using the same word and not describing the dratted flower!" Is there a reason - beyond the obvious "deflowering" idea, with the "oaths to the moon" bit, which could I think be more explicit, or come after a direct reference to Diana/Artemis, otherwise the reference doesn't make sense until the next stanza. Beyond that, I think you can take what I like (ego much, right?), and work it 'round to allude a bit more to something... less flowery, if you'll forgive me the pun. Your last stanza does this well, with one word change, I think. If you can apply the same idea to these two stanzas, then I don't think you'll have to do much at all to get across the myth more fully. I know when I read through this the first time, I was entirely confused with how like a lover Zeus sounded, rather than a seducer. He tells tales to get what he wants - thus, instead of "he dreams" say "he tells of dreams" indicating what she is told, rather than what he believes - intent matters! As does word choice to convey said intent.

But she prefers the day, always hiding
behind Diana. Another day, when the crocuses are asleep,
his falsetto will break ripples in the water. one, is that period intentional?
with a face not his own he may have Kallisto. two, TAKE. He doesn't "have," he takes. Rape. Just switching out the words here, for the more forceful gives a much more violent and ill-intentioned aspect to what you have, without changing much at all. And I absolutely love the image of Kallisto hiding behind the goddess, so so much.

All aside! I like it! Anything that speaks of mythology I'm likely to enjoy, and I definitely did, here! I do think, however, you need to delve more deeply in to the myth to truly make this poem as good as I think it can be, or at least beef up a few references and allusions - such as to Diana or Jupiter, otherwise it's relatively easy to lose your readers. However, if this is in a series on Greek/Roman mythology, I wouldn't do much of this, since your readers would be primed already to expect such references. And normally I wouldn't encourage this, but since the myth is the heart of the poem, I think it's more important a reader does "get it" enough to recognise this is a reference to something beyond just Diana and a chastity vow. Anyhoo! If you have any questions or want to yell at me, PM me!

Thanks for the read!

Bek

(oh, poo, my color codes didn't work. I'll uh, be fixing those. Right)

The revised version is definitely better than the original. :D The first stanza grabbed my attention right away, though that might have been just because I've got a soft spot for anything that makes mythological references. The punctuation, however, really distracted me, especially in the first stanza. I think this is one case where having no punctuation at all would work better.

The tenses in the second stanza make no sense. I can't shake the feeling that "lingered" should be "lingering".

The lines in the third stanza struck me as a bit lengthy, and this gave the third stanza an overall sense of wordiness which, upon a closer read, really isn't true. I think you could shorten a couple of the lines, play with the enjambment a bit more, to make it a bit more digestible and appreciable on the first read-through. I have to say, though, I adore the phrase "crocus cup"; I don't know why, but it's so delicious an image.

The crocus in the fourth stanza struck me as a bit too repetitive. I suggest describing the crocus instead. Also, making a clearer connection between the crocus and the woodwind would be a good idea. The moving section was a bit difficult to visualize, and though I do get what you were going for, it doesn't quite work. The stabbing the fig struck me as a bit too violent an image, and it really jarred compared to the softer imagery of the rest of the poem.

I liked the tie-in to the first stanza. It gave a nice sense of the poem coming full-circle and to an end.

Overall, I adored the reference to Callisto and Jupiter, especially the latter as they were very subtle. This poem overall was enjoyable, though the punctuation irks me slightly. I really do think this poem would work better without it; it would give this a more flowing feel, like the water Callisto lives in and moves like.

Kamas --

Good, not great. I'm with Navita. There's nothing wrong with it in particular, but there's nothing new or very original about it. I guess I don't come away with a memorable image or stanza, and I don't feel any different afterward. However, in comparison to some of your earlier poetry, and even compared to the "Himalayan Pomegranates", things are much simpler, easier to digest. You've done well in picking up the slack, trimming your poems, making them more streamlined. In this case, though, I think you may have gone a touch to far in the other direction. I'd like to see a few more complex images. Your best image was in S2 in reference to Jupiter's heartstrings. Even this was not particularly memorable. "Nubile" is a great word.

I'll also agree with Kyl, in that there were too many references to crocuses, even if they play some integral part in the story of Callisto (I don't know). Crocus isn't even a very fun word. In fact, for me, its vaguely sexual. And not even the good sexual. It's the dirty, flappy sexual -- therefore, not befitting of the poem itself.

The bit about synapses, coded stars, constellations was all well and good, but a perfect cross-section of the poem's blandness. There's just nothing special. No interesting words, no images that I haven't see somewhere else before. And to be honest, and it's not your fault, I'm a little tired of science-y words like "synapse". Maybe it's because I've used the image of a synapse so often in my own work...

Moving the way you run
your knife into a fig , or through water

For some reason, this is my favorite line. Something delightful in the way you structured the syntax, and its simplicity. The way you run your knife into a fig -- now that's an image loud and clear.

Anyway, not much else I have to add here. Thought I'd stop by and attempt to return the favor.

-Kylan

Many thanks I'm gonna edit this when I have the patience.

Hello Kamas,
Okay, so I have not read your original poem as of yet, so I may be missing some of the background required to give you the specific type of feedback you are looking for, but hopefully it will be useful anyway. I really don't have time to read and process fairly both versions...

~ Callisto, means "most beautiful." One of Artemis/Diana's (the crown of the crescent moon) nymphs who took a vow to remain a virgin, but was raped by Zeus- she was then turned into a bear, the 'bear-mother." The constellations ''Ursa Major' and 'Ursa Minor.'

I think you use a creative approach, a retelling from an interesting perspective. I also found it unsatisfying, I read through the poem several times and while the writing was fantastic, it wasn't rewarding. It came across to me as recycled - not the poem itself, but the...flavor of it all.

Can you help me understand your goal in writing this? I hate to think I'm just being biased and that's why I don't really connect with this. I can follow the tiniest of references, I am very capable of tying this poem in with a lot of sources, experience, and understanding. I see that you put a lot of thought into this, and I know that you are a capable writer - so I have higher expectations of you. So, am I missing it completely, or are my expectations too high?

[[ edit: expectations too high meaning I'm looking for something that's not there, not about your skill in writing ]]

Sincerely,
Keep writing!
-M.

Hi Kamas,

This is the piece that you're submitting for the contest, right? We may be competitors, but I feel that you might still benefit from some things I'd like to point out. Anyway:

Kamas wrote:and he hides behind his falsetto
a breathy embrace with the wind,
whistling against the leaves
traced for Diana and her nymphs.

One like nubile Kallisto, who liked to
run her fingers through the sky, the tips
lingered on Jupiter’s heartstring.

Come on. "Falsetto", "breathy", "Diana", "nubile", "fingers", "sky", "the", "tips", etc. Who has time to read such complex words?! You're writing a poem here, not a dictionary; make it as simple as possible so that the reader has time to understand what you're saying.

For example, instead of saying "a breathy embrace with the wind", you could try "she huggles the wind". Not only does it make things easier to get a grasp of, it adds some quirky humor, and that's a good thing.

Anyway, this is your first major problem. Too many big people words. Nobody likes an arrogant poet, so cut it down a little.

Second problem I see is that you don't nearly space enough. We all know that putting in spaces every fifth-or-so word is what really makes a poem, and here I see you spacing wherever it fits the "flow". There's really no need for a flow at all. I mean, after all, a flow of water makes people drown and flow of bullets makes people bleed, right? Is this really the kind of feeling you want your reader to experience? If you care at all about your poem, make the line breaks quick and dry; in fact, if you want to be artsy and original, try making every other word its own line.

Thirdly, this sounds old and stuffy, like some history professor lol. Put a smile on your face and embrace the modern world. Nowadays, people simply don't have the attention span to read up on Kallisto, so I don't know why you'd get on your high horse and start talking about her without any reference. RELATING to people, remember? I've told you about that so many times that I'm a little shocked you haven't included modern references.

This is just off the top of my head, but Neopets is a "hip and happening" thing with teenagers who are cool and radical, correct? Maybe compare Kallisto's beauty with that of snuggling with a cute Neopet in your Neohome in your Neocity. Right now, I haven't even caught a single link to this game in your poem; honestly, it made me want to stop reading in the first stanza. Making your reader so bored is anathema to poetry.

I don't know how to say it, but this poem's just terrible. I've included a possible revision below which you may wish to use as a template:

and
he hides
behind his falsetto
wthi the wind,
whistling against the leaves
traced
for a god or something.

like Kallisto
who liked
fingers??!/

Blah blah
crocus tea,
serenading etc,
I cut myself with a razor
and felt the blood
run into the
darkness
of
my
soul,

But she prefers the day, always hiding
behind NEOPETS. Another day, when the NEOPETS are asleep,
his NEOPET will break ripples in the water.
with a face not his own he may have a NEOPET.

<3

If you like, you can submit that above entry to Blink's contest. I'm sure it'll do better than all those dumb old other entries by novices like myself and Kylan.

Again, we may be competitors, but please do trust me; I would be a monster to divert you so that you'd lose and I'd win, and you know I'm not like that.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

^ this o.O

I... I'm just speechless.