Of Sheep

Of Sheep

(deleted upon pending publication--thanks for all your help!)

Hey I'm LastPaladin, and I'll be your reviewer. And I really found this poem fantastic. It's unique, and really high lights great beauty. I love how you personified the wolf, it was disjointed but I think that worked within the poem. I've one suggestion though Shepard, you should have Wolves POV below, it would be interesting poem to see from both sides.

And I most love how you threw away the cliche of sheep being stupid and getting themselves killed almost always. It really showed why the Sheep was one of the animals in the Chinese Zodiac, not the dumb animal we see it as, not as meat for us, but for an ancient beauty and wise.

I really loved it a lot, but really think below you should have the wolves POV below. My one word of advice, the title too telling try go for something as beautiful as the poem.

One thing didn't like how you slipped into Olde English at one point, it didn't work with the poem overall themes. But overall I love it, this gets a star .

Hope this helps, and keep writing.

Honestly, I really really like this, even with my undying love for wolves. The way you worded with was just so intricate, it really captured my attention and the descriptions felt so spot-on. While there was no particular pattern to the whole thing it flowed really well.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hey there, Shep!

This is a really, really good poem. It captured my attention because it's not a cliche subject you see every day, and you pulled the whole idea off very well. The only thing I noticed is you tried to use some Old English language, but it doesn't really fit in, it just sounds sort of off with this poem. Still, nice work.
Bravo!
-Mizz

Shepherd --

Well written, no doubt. I enjoyed this for the language you used, your point of view, the word play. Your opening line is wonderful, and your title is what drew me in, so don't change it. I don't necessarily care for your topic of choice here though, your content. The attitude of the "sheep" here is too confrontational, quite opposite to the traditional and natural "mind set" of a sheep. There is not a defiant bone in a sheep's body -- I know, I've raised them before. They are the hunted, the meek, the subservient. And they accept that. I wholeheartedly disagree with LastPaladin -- there is nothing wise about a sheep, if you've ever met one. If you intended this as a metaphor for the outcast, the supposed weak, the underdogs of this world, you chose a poor vessel. Something about the tone of the sheep narrator and the purpose of the poem itself doesn't work. If you dig through the cloak of "epic-ness" and contrived spine shivering that this poem dons, you will find the weak scaffolding of a flimsy concept.

Perhaps something adding to this poem's weakness is the fact that you kept using "mine", instead of "my". Let's be honest. It just doesn't work. It's gimmicky and weird. It would serve this poem much better to replace all those pointless "mines" with "my". Trust me. Right now, it reads a little like a farce -- it turns an otherwise solidly written piece into a bit of a joke.

You might want to work on structuring in the future, as well. Free form should at least have a spinal column of some kind, something for the poem to pivot on. Therefore, I suggest an evening of the stanzas, and an evening of the line lengths. Immediately, upon seeing this poem, I was struck by its dishevelment. Organize it a little more, and your the organization ideas will follow. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

Some lines I enjoyed:

Derived of ancient glass and ringing stone

—so crisp in deceit?

Come, wolf—you are nothing to the winter storm.
That tears at us with heed and grace.

Tilted by raindrops
Turned to madness

All of these demonstrate that you definitely know how to write a poem. As I said earlier: this was well-written, to be sure. I just don't think I like how you channeled your skills. What's more, your closing line was far too preachy. It summarized everything -- which defeats the purpose of a poem. From the rest of the poem, I already had ascertained that line -- it is redundant. I think your closing line is what made me uneasy about this piece. If you cut it, or at least replace it, this will be a much more intelligent read.

Anyway, thanks,

-Kylan

LastPaladin
Thanks! Looking back more carefully at this poem, I can see that using "mine" did not prove to be an enhancement of the tone (which I'd hoped it would be). Instead, it comes across as stilted and redundant. This is something that I will definitely change.

SW
Thank you =)

Mizzle
Thanks. See above comment about Old English. -winces- Okay, I see now how misguided this was.

Kylan
Wow. What a detailed, concise, and helpful review. I do not consider myself a poet by any means, and so critiques like this are very much appreciated.

In the representation of the sheep as a defiant character (which, you are correct, they generally are not: I am a lifelong shepherd and my sheep know nothing but meekness!), I had hoped to lead the reader away from a literal interpretation of the poem. I seem to have failed miserably, here. That happens a lot =)

As far as structure...I think maybe it was too complex. It is often this way, I find, with poetry--you can have something that sounds balanced in your head, but it's difficult to convey the pacing to someone else. At least for me.

Thank you all for your comments! =)

-goes to get rid of all the awful "mine"s-

It was a pleasure to critique. I must say, though, that I wasn't reading this as a literal interpretation at all. In fact, in my critique, I address this poem metaphorically speaking. I just don't think that that particular metaphor works. If however, the metaphor that I gleaned was not the one intended, I would be very interested in hearing the artist's interpretation.

Thanks,

Kylan

Wow! This poem really grabs your attention. In some parts I think it leaves you hanging but then again poems do that, right? You gave such great description! Very very nice job!!
Keep it up!!!
:]


-BG-

Great work on this I feel a bit of symbolize in this piece and think that it is more about the Lord protecting us from the wolfs rather physical or psychological. Or it could just be about a sheep with nerves of steel!
At any rate good job on this poem and keep writing!
-Dawn

Hey there!

This is definitely well written for a start! The perspective you've written it from makes it a lot easier to imagine the imagery you come up with and lines such as this are brilliant:

Is it my horns you fear, O Watchful One? Derived of ancient glass and ringing stone

The reason for that is the lovely choice of vocabulary and the way you've written it almost personally and it's as though the sheep is taunting the wolf and that becomes rather interesting! You have a real talent for expressing vivid imagery in your poetry! I love the "ancient glass and ringing stone" bit best.

As for the structure and punctuation of this poem it is flawless in the first part but nearer the end it becomes almost flawless. This is because the structure loses it's originality and in turn, it's effect. The stanzas become a bit too normal and so does the imagery. There's nothing experimental that stands out like their is in the beginning. Also there's this line:

Tilted by raindrops

I'm confused by your choice of words here, how can one's eyes be tilted by raindrops? I'm probably just missing something, but yeah, that was a little confusing.

Anyway besides that, I loved this. Hats off to you, you have talent.
Keep writing and hope this helped,
Ben

Wow! This was an awesome poem!I can't really critique you without repeating what's been said, so I'll just shower you with compliments. I love your style. Most people see the sheep as an innocent, docile thing, but you made it... scary, sort of. It looked at the wolf as a respected, but still hated, enemy, not like :"Oh my god! Wolf! I'm gonna die!"

Anyway... lovely job. Keep doing what you're doing.

Ah finally something I can enjoy <3 Thank you (x 10000)

I'm not going to read the other reviews, so if there's overlap, I apologize.

I really enjoy your voice in this poem. It's dark, kind of sly and intimidating when addressing the wolf. It's an interesting voice coming from a sheep. But I don't feel sheep is the best support for that voice. Your voice is intelligent, powerful.
Honestly, sheep are really blank minded creatures, as nice as they are., they sad there chewing and following each other.

They run away from any form of danger to them, they aren't confrontational at all. So, a sheep is not good shoulders to place this voice on. You should of maybe picked another predator. Or something better for that. I understand your attempt to but another eye on the sheep, but I don't think it works very well. Sheep are too commonly associated with softness, gentleness. It's really hard to get out of that mindset, and you haven't done anything extraordinary to prove me wrong, you're just making the sheep talk.

Your last line is, meh. Kind of a bad closure, not an unexpected closure. Yea.

Otherwise, your words are intelligent and have a purpose which is great. Except:

Tough and wild for your teeth.

You can find something better then that yes? Tough and wild are really bland descriptive words.

Good luck,

Kamas

Thanks, all!

Kylan
Certainly your interpretation wasn't strictly literal, but you are bound by your perception of the sheep as a docile thing. The point here is that the sheep does not act as a sheep. The contrast serves to create a differing persona, a change in perspective that makes the tone a little darker: a little more unexpected. It is a speculation perhaps, on a larger conflict than the simplistic one represented here. In any case, your interpretation is a valuble insight for me, because it lets me know how I can go about better portraying my intended message. Thank you again for your continued input!

Babygirl
Thank you!

Way2Dawn
Actually this is a very interesting interpretation. I like this. Hm. I am happy to see people with so many different takes on this poem!

BenFranks
Ah, I was wondering if anyone would notice this. I was not entirely satisfied with the ending, here, but what I had originally didn't seem to have the original rhythm. I'll grab the poem in its first draft off my other computer and post it: perhaps the shorter, second-to-last stanza will make better sense when it is put in context. Even so, I was concerned that without a sharp pace change near the end of the poem, the ending might be anti-climactic, and could possibly get lost in a series of longer lines. I wanted it to stand out. Maybe it can, if I tweak everything just a little bit.

Dreamy
Thanks =)

Kamas
Check out my earlier comments regarding the temperment of my sheep =) I am very much aware of the tendencies of these creatures. However, this is where the irony and the surprise come in. I wanted to create something a little more raw, more surreal, and I certainly didn't want to play off of a pre-existing biological relationship so cliched as that between the wolf and the sheep.

My word choice is not based solely on sophistication, but also on rhythm, and I am surprised that you would pick out this line. It fit in quite nicely, I thought.

Thank you for the comments!!!! =D

Shepherd wrote:
Kamas
Check out my earlier comments regarding the temperment of my sheep =) I am very much aware of the tendencies of these creatures. However, this is where the irony and the surprise come in. I wanted to create something a little more raw, more surreal, and I certainly didn't want to play off of a pre-existing biological relationship so cliched as that between the wolf and the sheep.

My word choice is not based solely on sophistication, but also on rhythm, and I am surprised that you would pick out this line. It fit in quite nicely, I thought.

Quite sorry, I was in a bit of a rush, I should of read the other reviewers before. But like I said:

I understand your attempt to but another eye on the sheep, but I don't think it works very well. Sheep are too commonly associated with softness, gentleness. It's really hard to get out of that mindset, and you haven't done anything extraordinary to prove me wrong, you're just making the sheep talk.

Great poem.

That sheep must be the leader. XD

I might be mistaken, but don't sheep use their hooves when attacking? So maybe you can add that IF that even happens. If it doesn't happen... well... yeah. Obviously don't put it in! As far as nit-picky remarks go, I think this would be better if you didn't have the "No" line. And I think it would be awesome if you revised the conclusion... right now, it seems a little lame. I would like to see more of a, "Come and get it" sort of feeling rather than a "Let's match brains!" Because that's what it seems like.

Also... I keep on wondering where the shepherd is here... a little thing, perhaps, but I wonder!

Nice poem though! I enjoyed it.