The One Inch-Tall Prince

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Lol I was up for 2 days straight when I wrote this, bear with me. :D

There once was a story of a one-inch tall prince,
How much he meant, no one could convince.
His voice was a choice to listen to
For when he spoke, nobody knew
Because he was so small,
Not at all as tall
As his father, Singing King,
Heard by all.

And then one day, at the lava moat
surrounding the castle, death it promotes,
There he sat, one-inch tall prince,
Reputation unable to float
On the boat of the family, royal name
Deserving of it, he should claim
The name of the king, but it never came,
For the king's fame is nothing to blame,
His life is fire, he is still but a flame.
One-inch tall prince sat in shame.

Until the king had walked to the moat,
Singing and singing, from a beautiful throat.
One-inch tall prince had a plan
And began his attempt to trip this man.
He tugged and tugged on stepping feet,
Until the prince and the heal came to greet.
In an instant the king slipped and tripped
On the foot of the king, the prince now gripped.
Diving head first, the prince had fell,
Giving last cries for help, he would yell.
And now, as he would yelp for help,
He is now entering the gates of Hell.
With the prince flicked off his feet,
The king's heart had then ceased to beat.

The prince, now bloody, safe and sound,
Injured, lying on the ground.

The demons in hell shall forever sing
Of the inch-tall prince,
Murderous king.
Last edited by xjpalladinix on Wed Jun 30, 2010 7:44 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey Palladin! :)

One thing that I noticed was that your rhymes seemed to trip you up. That is, you seemed so intent on rhyming that you would arrange your poem in such a way that it didn't really make sense. It took me several rereadings to figure out what you were trying to say... and even now, I'm not sure that the Prince really tripped the king and sent the king to the lava. And did the prince die? Also, why did he kill his father? Something about a song? So your insistence on rhyming hurts the poem, I think. Maybe you should rearrange your poem so that it uses different, better words at the end. :)

In any case, whenever you write poetry, make sure that your story comes out first. Then you can try to fit it in a rhyme. ;)

Good luck! :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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I'm a bit confused. What happened to the prince after. who died, and who didn't? I had to read it a few times, but I do sort of understand it. The rhyming didn't really seem to go anywhere, though. But you should really keep working on it. Keep on writing!
ME




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Hey, Pal! Well, I have to say, this is a nice poem. Like Snoink mentioned, though, your rhyming seem sort of forced and didn't make sense at time. The main idea of a poem is for it to tell a story. Rhyming is something you can fit in afterwards, and after all, not even poem calls for a rhyme scheme. Either way, the rhyme scheme here was utterly forced at points and at times I became so confused because half of it didn't make sense.
Still, it's a nice idea.
Tata,
Mizz
"Chase your dreams, and remember me, speak bravery,
Because after all, those wings will take you up so high."
-- Owl City, "To the Sky"
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