Wake

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“Low, just make small talk ok? Jeez everything doesn’t have to be perfect.” I stare at the clock hand and wait for the line to move. The church is littered with people waiting to get in. Who woulda thought this crazy old lady knew so many people. But more people equals less chance of being caught. The family members will be more distant, the friends probably only acquaintances.
“But if it’s not perfect how are we gonna get in? I need a story to tell or I’m not gonna be able to lie about this, Carter.” Low’s fingers dig deeper into the orange. Bright spirals fall to the ground and sticky juice trickles through the gaps in between her little fingers. She looks so much younger than her ten years, probably from lack of food. That is why we need to get in here; we have to make it believable.
“Just say you’re a distant cousin. If they ask who your parents are just say they weren’t really close to her or make up a name. It’s not hard. Once you make something up it’ll be easy to just go with the flow.” She looks at me with her blue eyes, there is make up running down her face from the show we were in two nights ago. We ran to get away from the circus at home and stumbled into a topsy-turvy mess of a place.
But at least when we were at the real circus we felt like we belonged. They gave us nicknames that Sierra has yet to be detached of even if I like calling her by her name better. Everyone called her Yellow because she was a ray of sunshine, I guess, but she would have hated to be called Sunshine. She always has to be different. Today she definitely stands out from the crowd with her neon pink umbrella dangling from a black cord around her tiny wrist. It looks like a beacon in a sea of black, mourning wear.
“Low, wipe your face off. You look like a clown, a very sad clown that would probably jump at her own shadow.” I whisper waiting for her to drop her orange. There is only a sliver left and I’m afraid her umbrella is going to push it out of her grasp. Quickly she pops in her mouth and swallows, gulping loudly. I can tell she wasn’t listening to me so I pull the sleeves of my jacket over my hand and wipe off her cheeks where the mascara has run.
“Stop it, Carter, I’m not a baby.” She swipes at my hand, the umbrella still struggling to stay on her hand. Then the line moves and we are in. I’ve never wanted to be in a church so much in my whole fifteen years on this planet. The stain glass that shimmers on the front wall blinds us as the last hints of sunshine pour through before being erased by the clouds.
We sit in the pew for an hour and eight minutes listening to Jane Debaser’s life story. I feel sorry for Sierra but it was the only way to get into the wake. It beats stealing from the living, technically since it’s a funeral we are stealing from the dead. I hope that’s enough to clear my conscious.
The little digits on my watch read 11:11 when the congregation stands to sing “Amazing Grace” and we are forced to stand with about 100 other people. Finally after an hour and fifteen minutes we are allowed to leave.
Now we wait. Slowly people begin to come back after the burial in the cemetery across the street. Food has been set out for family and friends to enjoy. We count ourselves as friends and join in. Sierra eats at least 3 plates full before she is bombarded with questions from strangers, or our family I guess since that’s our story. She spins a web about how Jane’s uncle’s cousin is our fifth cousin on our deceased mother’s side. She tells them about one summer when we met Jane at a family reunion. We weren’t very close, she says sorrowfully, but we are very sorry for the loss.
I would applaud her if we weren’t in a room of people. Slowly she untangles herself from the crowd and dumps her plate in the trash can. I wince as a half eaten piece of pie lands in the plastic confines of the trash bag. We could have kept that to eat later but I can’t talk to her about it now.
“Where did you say you were from again?” Behind me a little girl stands about Sierra’s age looking up at me. I look down at her and smile.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” I whisper hoping no one else can hear me and that she will buy into it. She doesn’t of course.
“I bet I would, my momma wanted me to know. She said she thought she recognized your sister.” I stare at her dumbfounded as she points to Sierra and then I laugh.
“We are from Wisconsin. Go tell your mother that because I don’t think she knows us.” The little girl turns away and skips to her mother. I grab Sierra’s hand and yank it hard. “Low, we have to get out of here.” She nods and looks back at the garbage can. Her umbrella hits the side of the can as she reaches in and pulls out the pie.
“For later,” she says innocently. I pull her hand and we run. People part like the Red Sea as we swim through them, elbowing people, our mutters of “excuse me” don’t cut it for them. They yell after us but we aren’t important enough to chase.
It is dark outside. We find this out quickly as we feel our way out of an alley way beside the church. There is a board covering much of the opening at the top of the walls. It looks like they are working on connecting the roofs of the church and whatever building is beside it. A ladder stands in front of us.
“Low, go around the ladder.” I whisper unsure if there is anyone there.
“Why? The kitty made it just fine going under.” She states looking at the yellow cat that eyes us from the other side of the ladder. “Black cats are the bad ones right?”
“Not bad, but just go around.” I know I am being superstitious but it’s sadder when angels get squished by ladders than when a black cat gets through unharmed.


****I need suggestions on the title. I picked Wake because they are trying to get into a funeral wake but it's sort of a common story title so...****
Last edited by peanut19 on Wed Jun 23, 2010 11:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




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Hey peanut! Here because you asked. And because I want to snug you! *snugs*

Quickly she pops it in her mouth and swallows, gulping loudly.


You should probably throw ‘it’ in there because, well, you need a subject. It’s just a rule. Do it or Lindsay Lohan will nibble your big toe. :D

“Stop it, Carter, I’m not a baby.”


It’s just a comma rule. You need one here.

It is dark out side we find this out quickly as we feel out way out of an alley way beside the church.


First, outside is one word, but that’s a minor thing. My big concern here is that this sentence doesn’t really make sense. I think that is because it’s a run on.

I know I am being superstitious but it’s sadder when angels get squished by ladders than when a black cat gets through unharmed.


This is easily my favorite line, and not just because it was the ending. It has this edgy, modern feel and it makes for an interesting concept. Something about the word ‘squished’ makes me love this.


Okay, obviously, this is for the Epic Contest and I think you did it really well. Plus, you snuck in all five prompts which is awesome! I honestly don’t think there’s anything wrong with this outside of those few nitpicks. You go girl!

Much luff!
~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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Tehe, Lily that line made me write this story. I knew that line as soon as I saw the cat prompt :) I'm glad you liked it.

~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




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Hey PEA!

I said I would do this last night but I was too tired lol So here I am now!

Who woulda thought this crazy old lady would have known so many people. - This line kind of bothers me because you use 'woulda' at the beginning of the sentence, which is fine because it's sort of in the character's thoughts but then in the second part of the sentence you have a would have but you don't change it to woulda and it kind of threw me because it just seemed to lack consistency. So maybe change this to keep it consistent?

Lily picked up on all the other nitpicks and I couldn't find anything wrong with this. Maybe a few missed commas but I am not confident enough with grammar to point these out to you.

I don't have that much to say for this piece. I think the thing that most bothered me about it was how abrupt the ending was. It was kind of like you built up these characters and you were ambiguous about what was going on and I was just starting to understand what exactly was going on and getting into and then it just stopped with this random ladder/cat thing. I understand this is for Jen's contest and you had to end with a cat but it just felt like you cut off the story in the middle somewhat and just when I wanted to know more.

So maybe you could think about extending this piece and exploring the characters and situation more?

Another thing is that I got a bit confused with the names. So was Low also Sierra? Or was Sierra someone else entirely? That was a bit confusing and so I think maybe you should look at clearing that up a little bit.

Other than that I quite enjoyed this piece :)

If you have any questions just PM me.

Bex x
'The creation of a single world comes from a huge number of fragments and chaos.' - Hayao Miyazaki




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Sierra= Low. I wasn't sure how obvious that was. I wanted to keep her nickname in there because I loved it when Jen suggested Yellow for a name. But I was trying to figure out how to make it clear that Carter doesn't like the nickname so he still thinks of her as Sierra, using the nickname only when he talks to her. I'm thinking about expanding on this because I started to fall in love with the characters, so I'll tell you if I do.

~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




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Hi peanut!

This is my first review, I hope it goes well. :)

I agree with beckiw on the consistency. The woulda/would have transition threw me off just a bit, maybe change it?

Lilymoore got the vast majority of the grammar issues, and I think I may have spotted a few places where a comma could go, like this excerpt for example.

“Low, go around the ladder.” I whisper, unsure if there is anyone there.
“Why? The kitty made it just fine going under.” She states, looking at the yellow cat that eyes us from the other side of the ladder. “Black cats are the bad ones right?”
“Not bad, but just go around.” I know I am being superstitious, but it’s sadder when angels get squished by ladders than when a black cat gets through unharmed.


Also, where you have the dialogue, a comma would go in place of a period. Like,
"Low, go around the ladder," I whisper....

Anyway, other than that I really liked this piece. :D
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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Hello peanut! Terribly sorry for the delay. Interesting that you've managed to make a real story out of such random prompts, but you should know, since you requested a review on this, that I'm going to review this fully as a serious story and not make excuses because of the craziness of the contest. ;) I'm going to be critiquing some grammar as well as content, because it's really hampering your story's enjoyability.

“Low, just make small talk ok? Jeez everything doesn’t have to be perfect.”


Should be: "Low, just make small talk, okay? Jeez, everything doesn't have to be perfect." Note the added commas and "ok" spelled out as "okay". Those commas are to help your flow. When you say words like "okay" and "jeez", you're directly addressing someone else in the same way you say the name "Low" at the beginning. And therefore they all need to be set off by commas.

“But if it’s not perfect#FF0000 ">, how are we gonna get in? I need a story to tell#FF0000 ">, or I’m not gonna be able to lie about this, Carter.”


More comma deprivation. Read your sentences aloud, dialogue especially, as they'd be spoken. Those commas are pauses, places where a speaker rests for a second, separates phrases. Otherwise the dialogue reads as rushed, the words tripping over each other.

She looks at me with her blue eyes, there is make up running down her face from the show we were in two nights ago. We ran to get away from the circus at home and stumbled into a topsy-turvy mess of a place.


That comma in between "eyes" and "there" needs to be a semi-colon, or else the first sentence is a comma splice. When you have two thoughts complete with subjects and verbs, as you have here, you have three options: a semi-colon, a comma + a conjunction (and/but/or), or a period + capital letter. You can't just use a conjunction, or just use a comma, anymore than you can just use a capital letter and skip the period.

“Low, wipe your face off. You look like a clown, a very sad clown that would probably jump at her own shadow.” I whisper waiting for her to drop her orange.


Comma after "whisper". And that period after "shadow" needs to be a comma. Check out this article on dialogue punctuation.

It is dark outside. We find this out quickly as we feel our way out of an alley way beside the church.


She says this like she's surprised. If it's nighttime, she shouldn't be surprised, and she wouldn't have to "find it out
--she'd know. If it's daytime and just dark and dreary, that's an opportunity from some nice imagery and description. Scene-setting.

:arrow: I didn't make the connection that Sierra = Low = Yellow = Sunshine. Too many titles with not enough to connect them back to each other, and, ultimately, the character.

:arrow: This was cute, and well written/well put together for such a contest. I do feel that you starting too many threads that you didn't follow through with, though. The part about the circus, firstly. Although the idea of children running off and joining the circus to life a life of glamor and travel is a popular one, it's not very realistic! Most circuses won't hire anyone over 16 or 18, and for them to be in the circus at such a young age, their parents would have to be performers or they'd have to have extraordinary talents. Which they would've mentioned.

:arrow: I'm confused about the wake thing! So, they want to go to the wake of this old lady? I know it's the tried-and-true grave-robbers idea, but chances are that this Jane lady wouldn't be buried with anything of value. That's more common in ancient graves, not modern ones. Plus, they sit through the funeral because it's the "only way to get to the wake", but then they take off anyway at the end, supposedly to get to the wake anyway, and if they were just going to rush over there they wouldn't have had to attend the funeral to begin with. Basically, their reasoning is a little muddled, as well as their identities.

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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So this was for Jen's Epic contest? (read that above, hadn't caught onto it) I guess that explains some of the odd interjections. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure how to review this because although it isn't bad, it doesn't seem to entirely work and I can't pinpoint why.

I can say that I knew Sierra = Low ;-) I think the difficulty came in realizing that "low" was a short form of "yellow" for the nickname. I actually found that very cute.

This didn't work for me because it dashed all over the place, didn't seem real consistent about plot or conflict. There wasn't any true structure behind the story. I kept reading waiting for a conflict, and once they found it (mother recognizes Sierra), they run out of there with no problems, but then you cut the ending off quicker than they got out of there.

If you really want to make this into something more in the future I'd suggest you try to outline your characters better, make them more realistic and plausible (why were they in the circus?), eliminate all the back story block narration by the speaker, it's just too much, and give more structure to the plot.

Hope you got all your reviews. ^^
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peanut19 wrote: “Low, just make small talk ok? Jeez#FF0000 ">, everything doesn’t have to be perfect.” I stare at the clock hand and wait for the line#FF0000 ">it to move. The church is littered with people waiting to get in. Who woulda(I know you are trying to show the character's personality with this, but I think you should change this back to "would of") thought this crazy old lady(I didn't know what you were talking about until I realised this was a funeral. Maybe try: "this old, dead lady" or something like that) knew so many people. But more people equals less chance of being caught. The family members will be more distant, the friends probably only acquaintances.
“But if it’s not perfect how are we gonna get in? I need a story to tell or I’m not gonna be able to lie about this, Carter.” Low’s fingers dig deeper into the orange. Bright spirals fall to the ground and sticky juice trickles through the gaps in between her little fingers. She looks so much younger than her ten years, probably from lack of food. That is why we need to get in here; we have to make it believable.
“Just say you’re a distant cousin. If they ask who your parents are just say they weren’t really close to her or make up a name. It’s not hard. Once you make something up it’ll be easy to just go with the flow.” She (You need to somehow repressent that this is Carter speaking, or else it seems like it's Low speaking)looks at me with her blue eyes, there is make up running down her face from the show we were in two nights ago#FF0000 ">the make-up from the show two nights ago running down her face. We ran to get away from the circus at home and stumbled into a topsy-turvy mess of a place.
But at least when we were at the real circus we felt like we belonged. They gave us nicknames that Sierra has yet to be detached of even if I like calling her by her name better. Everyone called her Yellow because she was a ray of sunshine, I guess, but she would have hated to be called Sunshine. She always has to be different. Today she definitely stands out from the crowd with her neon pink umbrella dangling from a black cord around her tiny wrist)There were too many adjs here :) It overpowered the sentence: neon pink, black cord, tiny wrist.. It looks like a beacon in a sea of black, mourning wear#FF0000 ">outfits.
“Low, wipe your face off#FF0000 ">wipe off your face. You look like a clown, a very sad clown that would probably jump at her own shadow.” I whisper#FF0000 ">, waiting for her to drop her orange. There is only a sliver left and I’m afraid her umbrella is going to push it out of her grasp. Quickly she pops in her mouth and swallows, gulping loudly. I can tell she wasn’t listening to me so I pull the sleeves of my jacket over my hand and wipe off her cheeks where the mascara has run.
“Stop it, Carter, I’m not a baby.” She swipes at my hand, the umbrella still struggling to stay on her hand. Then the line moves and we are in. I’ve never wanted to be in a church so much in my whole fifteen years on this planet. The stain glass that shimmers on the front wall blinds us as the last hints of sunshine pour through before being erased by the clouds.
We sit in the pew for an hour and eight minutes listening to Jane Debaser’s life story. I feel sorry for Sierra but it was the only way to get into the wake. It beats stealing from the living, technically since it’s a funeral we are stealing from the dead. I hope that’s enough to clear my conscious.
The little digits on my watch read 11:11(in the morning, afternoon, or evening? Specify) when the congregation stands to sing “Amazing Grace” and #FF0000 ">when we are forced to stand with about 100 other people. Finally after an hour and fifteen minutes we are allowed to leave.
Now we wait. Slowly people begin to come back after the burial in the cemetery across the street. Food has been set out for family and friends to enjoy. We count ourselves as friends and join in. Sierra eats at least 3#FF0000 ">three plates full#FF0000 ">platefuls before she is bombarded with questions from strangers, or our family#FF0000 ">, I guess#FF0000 ">, since that’s our story. She spins a web about how Jane’s uncle’s cousin is our fifth cousin on our deceased mother’s side(:P). She tells them about one summer when we met Jane at a family reunion. We weren’t very close, she says sorrowfully, but we are very sorry for the loss.
I would applaud her if we weren’t in a room of people. Slowly she untangles herself from the crowd and dumps her plate in the trash can. I wince as a half eaten piece of pie lands in the plastic confines of the trash bag. We could have kept that to eat later but I can’t talk to her about it now.
“Where did you say you were from again?” Behind me#FF0000 ">, a little girl#FF0000 "> about Sierra's age stands about Sierra’s agelooking up at me. I look down at her and smile.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” I whisper#FF0000 ">, hoping no one else can hear me and that she will buy into it. She doesn’t of course.
“I bet I would, my momma wanted me to know. She said she thought she recognized your sister.” I stare at her dumbfounded as she points to Sierra and then I laugh.
“We are from Wisconsin. Go tell your mother that because I don’t think she knows us.” The little girl turns away and skips to her mother. I grab Sierra’s hand and yank it hard. “Low, we have to get out of here.” She nods and looks back at the garbage can. Her umbrella hits the side of the can as she reaches in and pulls out the pie.
“For later,” she says innocently. I pull her hand and we run. People part like the Red Sea as we swim through#FF0000 ">, elbowing them, elbowing people, our mutters of “excuse me” don’t cut it for them. They yell after us but we aren’t important enough to chase.
It is dark outside. We find this out quickly as we feel our way out of an alley way beside the church. There is a board covering much of the opening at the top of the walls#FF0000 ">above us that reveals the star-laden sky. It looks like they are working on connecting the roofs of the church and whatever building is beside it. A ladder stands in front of us.
“Low, go around the ladder.” I whisper unsure if there is anyone there.
“Why? The kitty made it just fine going under.” She states looking at the yellow cat that eyes us from the other side of the ladder. “Black cats are the bad ones right?”
“Not bad, but just go around.” I know I am being superstitious but it’s sadder when angels get squished by ladders than when a black cat gets through unharmed.


I really liked reading this. You have some problems like slight sentence structure, and missing commas in some places, but all in all, I had a lot of fun and pleasure reading and editing this.

I don't have a title idea, I think Wake--though used often--suits it well, but if you aren't happy with it, you might as well change it.

LB
this tender selfmetamorpoiesisi have returned with the swell

What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl



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