Contest Entry - One Pink Umbrella

Here's the entry for this contest: topic65714.html
Any tips, please? Enjoy


A bad man sits under a plum tree
With a smug smile, happy as can be
Because by his side, as anyone could see,
Is a peeled orange
Which he got off the plum tree

Out flicked his umbrella
With a crick of the wrist
He compared it to the sky
But the neon pink, my dears, by far missed

He ran his finger
Along the handle
His evil lips
Pulled up in scandal
And from his pocket, he pulled a pie
Half of it was missing, and only he knew why

He threw the pie across the meadow
And the woman clown
Dashed under its shadow
But she could still see that human form on the ground
And she screamed out words in a language far from profound
Please sir, she begged, lend me your umbrella
We both wear a mask, we’re birds of a feather

Sure, love, said the man with a smile
The she-clown was too frightened to see it as vile
He threw to her the neon pink umbrella
She caught it by the handle, and sighed in her pleasure
Now her shadow was hidden, so she didn’t notice
When her palm hit a trigger, and just the colour of post-its
Came out a cat, with devilish eyes
And quite took the she-clown
With devilish surprise

Be warned, my dears, whenever you’re about
there is a man, and up his umbrella, a little yellow cat.

~Durrs

First of all, I have to this I found this absolutely hilarious. The randomness of it just made it for me. The characterization of the man was amazing! He reminds me of this creepy guy who lives in my neighborhood... All in all, I can't really critque this because it makes me smile so much (and I was really looking forward to grillin' someone, haha).

So, awesome job! Hope you win!

~Horseradish

Hiya,

This was really cute. It actually followed some coherence, unlike my poem, which was completely random. It's certainly very creative and humorous! Since our goal wasn't to be good, I'm just going to run through this stanza-by-stanza and give my general thoughts, alright?

A bad man sits under a plum tree
With a smug smile, happy as can be
Because by his side, as anyone could see,
Is a peeled orange
Which he got off the plum tree

This is cute and a lot clearer then the rest of your poem. However, note the highlighted bit--shouldn't plums, not oranges, grow off of plum trees? You may be trying to be nonsensical, but even those kinds of things should at least make a little sense and have a bit of an explanation.

Out flicked his umbrella
With a crick of the wrist
He compared it to the sky
But the neon pink, my dears, by far missed

Compared doesn't seem like an appropriate word. I suppose it could work, but trying to decide if an umbrella or the sky is better seems odd since the two go hand in hand.

He ran his finger
Along the handle
His evil lips
Pulled up in scandal
And from his pocket, he pulled a pie
Half of it was missing, and only he knew why

This is interesting, but I think the main problem here is your structure. First, we don't know why the man is 'pulled in scandal' until the next stanza, and it just makes the sudden appearance of the clown seem really weird since there was no mention of her before. Also, you never really follow up on why the pie is half-eaten. At first I assumed it was because he threw it at the clown--but in the next stanza, you refer to the incident in present-tense. Also, he would have no reason to be 'pursed in scandal'.

He threw the pie across the meadow
And the woman clown
Dashed under its shadow
But she could still see that human form on the ground
And she screamed out words in a language far from profound
Please sir, she begged, lend me your umbrella
We both wear a mask, we’re birds of a feather

A couple of things. In the first part, the way you've written it makes it seem like the clown is dashing under the pie's shadow. That would be perfectly alright, but didn't the prompt say that the clown would be scared of her own shadow? Secondly, putting the last part where she speaks in quotations would make things a lot clearer.

Sure, love, said the man with a smile
The she-clown was too frightened to see it as vile
He threw to her the neon pink umbrella
She caught it by the handle, and sighed in her pleasure
Now her shadow was hidden, so she didn’t notice
When her palm hit a trigger, and just the colour of post-its
Came out a cat, with devilish eyes
And quite took the she-clown
With devilish surprise

Meh, I don't really think of post-its when I think of bright, bright yellow. They're more of a faded ivory color, anyway, and besides, post-its can be all different colors. You might want to think of something that's consistent and commonly associated with the color [i.e. bananas or lemons].

Be warned, my dears, whenever you’re about
there is a man, and up his umbrella, a little yellow cat.

This last bit doesn't really tell me much. Whenever we're out and about, there will always be murderers, right? But they're most likely miles from us and we won't have contact with them. If you're getting across a threat/warning, make it seem more probable that we will meet them. Otherwise is this bit is better removed all together. It doesn't really add anything to the poem.

Overall, I thought it was cute and fun little poem. Will be continuing with it, by any chance? If so, it would be interesting to see where it leads. PM me if you need anything else!

-Elinor x

I think that this poem is absolute genius. I love the setting it casts and your way of telling it. I also really enjoy the nonsensical way in which this is written, and the mysteriousness of the characters you have brought to life in your words. GENIUS!! I love it!!!