The Siring (Part 2 of 2)

Please read the first half first. Things make more sense that way.
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Laura glided into Nathaniel’s room, trailed closely by the rest of the coven. She paused next to his sleeping form and knelt down beside him. He seemed so fragile, his brown curls brushed down over his eyes. She could smell the blood bubbling under his skin.
“Nathaniel,” she cooed into his ear. “Wake up, child. The moon is high and it is time.”
His eyes fluttered open and he glanced at Laura groggily. “Mother?” he sighed.
“Shush,” she grabbed his hand and guided him up and out of bed. The coven cleared a path and she walked him out the door and through the corridors. Twenty-three vampires followed, black-clad, hooded, and solemn.
The lavish furnishings in the parlor had been removed and the only light in the room came from the several dozen candles lit throughout the room. A circle had been drawn onto the hardwood floor in harsh white chalk. Laura led the drowsy boy into the center of the circle, steadied him, and walked outside of the chalk line. The coven circled the boy and bowed their heads.
Charlotte’s hood dropped back, her stark white hair glaring obnoxiously. It took only a swift, pre-emptive glower to keep Hector from adjusting it. He took a slight step away from her, his shoulder brushing against Laura’s.
“Brothers, Sisters,” Laura began, opening her arms wide. “A century has passed since the last vampire was brought into our family. And now it is time to bring a new child into the fold.” Her voice was powerful, echoing in the bare room.
The candles flickered.
Nathaniel spun around the circle slowly, his brown eyes wide and his mouth gaping opened.
A hooded male reached into his cloak and removed a simple bronze chalice. Swift, blind hands carried it around the circle to Laura. She spoke into its cold surface.
“We have wandered this earth for many years and we have all learned many lessons in our years. To Nathaniel, I give you patients. You will have all of the time in the world.” Laura clenched her fist and blood dribbled from her palm and into the cup.
She passed the chalice and the blood quickly ran in. They wished upon him wisdom, appreciation, life, strength. Throughout the whole ceremony, Nathaniel’s eyes followed the glass. He had been waiting for this moment for months. Now all he could do was wish that he was waking up from some sick dream.
When Charlotte’s sinewy fingers wrapped around the cool bronze neck, she lifted the rim to her nose and inhaled, closing her eyes and sighing. “I give you desire. Without it, you’re afterlife just won’t be worth living.” A thick stream of blood fell, nearly overfilling the cup.
She passed it to Hector.
“Love, boy. It’s a long life without a woman by your side.” He glanced over at Charlotte, ran his blood into the chalice, and finally returned it to Laura.
Charlotte leaned a bit closer and peeked up at him, smiling.
“Nathaniel,” Laura called.
He locked eyes with the woman. Her big golden eyes held him still, kneading away his panic.
“Come here, child.” She compelled him forward with her free hand. “Charlotte, would you do the honors?”
Charlotte’s eyes constricted. The smile on her lips grew wide, sadistic. “Gladly.” She dashed into the circle and grabbed him by the throat too quickly for his human eyes to register. Her lips wrapped around his neck, her fangs sank in, and his blood dribbled down onto the floor. She took a small taste before dropping his body into Laura’s waiting arms.
With cool certainty, she pressed the chalice to his lips and nursed his frightened lips opened. “There you go, Nate,” she cooed, holding onto him until the cup was empty. She laid him out on the floor and backed away.
“I think you picked a dud, Laura,” Charlotte chuckled. “Do you think he’s dead?”
Laura whipped around and scowled. “He’s not dead and he’s no dud.”
“Whatever you say.” She wiped the blood from her mouth.
The crowd whispered, tension growing. A draft whipped through the window, blowing out several candles.
“Nathaniel,” Laura whispered.
He didn’t move.
“Fuck!”
The coven’s eyes fell on her.
“He’s dead. I can already smell it.” Laura ripped her cloak off and fled down the corridor, bloody red tears streaming down her eyes.
Charlotte and Hector crept up to the corpse and examined it hungrily. Using the toe of her boot, Charlotte nudged the body.
“Humph. Totally not worth the trip.”

Hi there! Here to review as requested.

Now, reading this, it almost seems like this piece could stand alone from the other part. This has such a one shot feel to it. I'm going to seperate this into things I liked and things you should note.

THINGS I LIKED:

- I liked this piece better than the last because it had more emotion. I also felt the detail was less forced, except for the bleeding tears part which I found slightly cliche.

-I'm actually pretty glad that Nate (if only the admin could read this out of context) didn't come back to be undead. I think it's better for his soul this way, and it was an enjoyable twist.

- I like how you had interesting ideas. Some of them I hadn't read in a vampire book before so I liked that.

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOTE:

- I think the use of the f word was forced, but that's just me. If vampires are "higher beings", I can't see them cursing a lot.

- I think you could have put the story through the view of Nate a bit more. How is he feeling? Does he really want this? Tell us why he did not survive; was it because he simply didn't want to? Put more emotion in here. Both for the humans and vampires alike.

- Lastly, as a reader I think the ending was a little harsh. With Charlotte's harsh words it didn't feel like a proper closing, and it ended where it started. So give more of a closing than a simple, "Humph".

OVERALL

That's it! I liked this a lot, really. It was new and dark. I think your only issue is that you haven't made us feel for any of the characters, so why do we care if they die or not. I think you had a typo when you spelled, "patience", "patients", but other than that your grammar was good. That's refreshing! So anyway, thanks for the read. I almost wish you would turn this into a novel so I would get to explore the dark world that you have created. Like maybe this is just the beginning, and the death of Nate is something bigger than it seems. But that's just coming from an eager reader.

Thanks for the read,

Esther

PS. I like the contest link in your sig. I put one for the same contest in mine too!

Lily, nice. That was totally not what I expected. I liked your characters and think you did a good job of hooking me in the first part of the story. I loved the ending, they were very nonchalant and I liked that a lot. And I was glad they didn't like pounce on him when they knew he was dead. The initiation thing was interesting too, I liked how they all contributed.

The only thing I found wrong with it is:

To Nathaniel, I give you patients. You will have all of the time in the world.”

Wrong patience, dear Unless they are giving him like hospital patients to drink their blood...

Overall I enjoyed this and I like that they had some feelings and I think you put a little twist on the whole turning into a vampire thing. Good luck on the contest if it's not done yet.

~peanut~

Lilililililililily! Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this. But. Now.

I. NITPICKS

his brown curls brushed down over his eyes.

Brushed seems the wrong word here- they wouldn't be curls anymore, and why would someone brush them like that or... yeah. Just change it.

“We have wandered this earth for many years and we have all learned many lessons in our years. To Nathaniel, I give you patients.

Patience, maybe? And either get rid of the "To" or the "you", doesn't matter which, but as it is your syntax is wrong.

Nathaniel’s eyes followed the glass. He had been waiting for this moment for months. Now all he could do was wish that he was waking up from some sick dream.

But why the sudden change of heart?

“There you go, Nate,” she cooed,

Heehee. Nate.

Alright.

II. OVERALL

I don't have anything specific that I can name, so just bear with me while I ramble. Turning him into a vamp? Right. Cool. But why the circle? He's not a demon. Why has it taken a hundred years for them to decide who to kill, and then they're wrong about it? That's a bit annoying, wouldn't you say. I like the idea of totally turning the ending on its head, but I think it happens a little too quickly, and it's not quite as effective as it could be. The reason being, you start off showing us the sillier bit of life at the very beginning with the hippies-leave-a-weird-taste-in-my-mouth thing. Then it all goes serious, and then sort of ridiculous again at the end. It's a clever idea, but you're missing some of the elements to make it a great short story- resolving conflict, for instance. I don't see any of it! I do like the idea, and I enjoy your writing, but I think it needs more meat.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x