That one lunch.

It was my first day. I had entered school a week late. I had been sent to the cafeteria early to meet my student mentor. I was immersed in thoughts of how stupid this student mentor thing was as I opened the heavy double doors. Even as I was early tothe cafeteria, I was not alone. In the middle of the room, a large table sat full of seniors. They were so immersed in their conversations that they didn't notice the sound of the door bang closed behind me.


It didn't matter anyway, I wasn't looking at them. I was staring at the small, circular table in the far corner. At it sat the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. He was pale with black hair that spiked messily. His arms were crossed, his eyes closed lightly and his mouth a tight line. I gasped for breath. During my admiration sometime, I hadn't noticed myself stop the rythm of my breath.....And the beat of my heart.


I took a forced step forward. My foot stepped forward a fraction of an inch. I looked down at the note in my hands. "Table 2" it said. I looked up at the table and it's beautiful occupant. A folded card on the tabletop had a simple number two. He was definately my student mentor. I take a few more steps forward. I was halfway there when a thought occured to me. He might not be my student mentor. Mabey he was just a normal boy sitting at a favorite table. But before I could stop myself I was standing at the table saying "Hi, I was supposed to meet my student mentor here."


"Hm, hmm, what? Oh I'm sorry that's me. I'm Chase" his beautiful voice slowed as he stood and looked at me.


I was in the middle of trying to think of something to say when his eyes caught my own eye. His eyes were dark, looming, seductive, consuming. I was so deep in the depths of Chase's eyes that I didn't notice his hand rose and rested on the back of my neck. His slight pressure pushed my head forward. Our lips touch and the world melted away. His kiss captivated me. Before my brain turned to mush, I was able to get one coherent thought out: Mabey this student mentoring thing isn't so stupid after all.

Hiya,

I'm not quite sure what to say about this piece. Your use of vocabulary and language was good throughout, and I loved how I could never tell what was coming next. However, everything feels rushed. It seems like, to me, that just because you're telling a familiar tale--love--that it wont need to be developed much. that the reader will immediately understand and relate. This isn't the case. Love at first sight only really happens in fairy tales, yet you've presented us with a realistic setting--school, where relationships are quite the opposite. Even if they both formed a mutual attraction when their eyes met, they'd probably chat a bit first, maybe hold hands.

I understand that this story is about the romance and the fact that she's new, but I'd like to see it be developed a bit more. Right now it seems like a last minute excuse for these two characters to meet, and thus you leave us with many unanswered questions and don't give us a realistic view about what being the new kid in school is like. For all we know, she could have come down with a really bad illness and only now just gotten better. Think of other stories you might know where the MC is the new kid. Think of what questions would be answered within the story? Where did she go to school before? Why did they move? What are her first impressions of the school? What is the student body's reaction to her? Answering these would give us a more realistic feel to her, since you've be reaching out to what being new is like.

BrooklynWriter wrote:It didn't matter anyway, I wasn't looking at them. I was staring at the small, circular table in the far corner. At it sat the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. He was pale with black hair that spiked messily. His arms were crossed, his eyes closed lightly and his mouth a tight line. I gasped for breath. During my admiration sometime, I hadn't noticed myself stop the rythm of my breath.....And the beat of my heart.

I'm not too fond of this paragraph. It feels, in a way, like you've set story aside to describe how beautiful this person is. You should never info-dump; it feels forced and it bores the reader to an extent. Try to ground things more into the story. She could notice a few things right off the bat, like his hair and bodily gestures. Then, after a few lines of dialogue she sits down and notices his eyes. This, you'll find is often the way is done in many novels and short stories. Also, I'd cut referring to him as "beautiful". For starters, it's telling instead of showing. Also, such a quality should never be the reader's first impression of a character, especially in a romance story. Then we'll believe that the feeling between the two characters is lust, not love, which is never good.

Your ending is...meh. The moral feels forced, like it was shoved on at the last minute just because of expectations. I'd personally remove the line and let the reader figure it out for themselves. The best morals are always the subtle ones, right? All in all, this story feels like a rough outline that should be expanded upon, the juicy parts barely brushed over. In fiction, you should never be limited with the amount of space you have to tell a story. Love is something that grows and develops and just doesn't appear. I don't know your characters, right now, and thus I don't feel anything for him. My advice for you right now is just to write, write, write, and then you can decide what to cut down and edit later.

I'm going to leave you with a few articles that should help you while you revise. This is a good plot-building article by Mr.Knightley. This is one by Master_Yoda that takes about first person narration. Finally, this is one about unlocking characters by Writersdomain. I hope this helps! Good luck, and PM me if you need anything further.

-Elinor x

Hi!

So this a good story in terms of consistancy in your writing, and it is written in such a way that it is easy to read, so good job on that.

A few problems:

It was my first day. I had entered school a week late. I had been sent to the cafeteria early to meet my student mentor.

I'm not too sure about this opening line: it is pretty factual and doesn't necessarily intruige the reader. Maybe start with a description, personal thought, or maybe just make the facts more descriptive? (ex. It was my first day, and the familiar drowsiness I felt whenever at school returned...) or something like that.

I was immersed in thoughts of how stupid this student mentor thing was as I opened the heavy double doors. Even as though I was early to the cafeteria, I was not alone. In the middle of the room, a large table sat full of seniors. They were so immersed in their conversations that they didn't notice the sound of the door bang closed banging shut behind me.

Corrections in red. Also, you used the word immersed twice, maybe think of another word.

At it sat the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. He was pale with black hair that spiked messily. His arms were crossed, his eyes closed lightly and his mouth a tight line.

There's nothing wrong with this description, but the fact that beforehand you described him as 'beautiful' makes me wonder why. Right now, to me, he sounds like an ordinary boy. What makes him so special to the narrator? Is it like light shines from him? Is he like an angel? Is he graceful? Please expand

I looked down at the note in my hands: "Table 2" it said.I looked up at the table and its beautiful occupant.

Just a few minor corrections there.

"Hm, hmm, what? Oh I'm sorry that's me. I'm Chase," his beautiful voice slowed as he stood and looked at me.

This is the third time you used the word 'beautiful', so just be careful with that. Also, I'd like to know what about his voice was beautiful. I can't really connect to the narrator because I can't understand what she's feeling. Is his voice smoothe, like the sweetest honey? etc... I would like to know so that I can feel more involved in the story, so I can actually see it happening rather than just read about it.

His eyes were dark, looming, seductive, consuming.

A great description. You see, here, I can see his eyes. You can make good descriptions, take advantage of that. You should use them more often

I was so deep in the depths of Chase's eyes that I didn't notice his hand rose and rested on the back of my neck.

'deep in the depths' sounds repetitive, maybe find another word for deep.

Our lips touched and the world melted away. His kiss captivated me. Before my brain turned to mush, I was able to get one coherent thought out: mabye this student mentoring thing isn't so stupid after all.

Woah... well I'm really not sure what to say about this. It's so strange, certainly very unexpected... and, I'm afraid to say, very unlikely. Is there a more subtle reason for the kiss than a crazy case of love at first sight? Is it the narrator's imagination, or did it actually happen? Just keep in mind that if this is just a kiss for the sake of... kissing, it does seem quite unreal. I'd like to know where you're going with this.

Overall, a well written piece, but needs some work. Also, I think you could develop the narrator a bit more. I want to know what she's like! All I know for now is that she's knew in the school, hates school mentors, sees this beautiful boy, and falls in love. I would like to know about her.

Well, that's all for now. I hope I helped, and feel free to PM me with any questions!

Keep writing!

~Lilicia

Hello there.

This was good, but needs a tad more work on it. The second and third sentence could be one sentence so that you do not repeat "I had." Also, the end so way too rush. Have the two characters introduce each other and talk for a while. I would like to know more about the girl. She is new, but what else? You know what I mean. Give a little background information. The overall "idea" of the story is great. Keep working on it, and it'll be great(:

It was my first day. I had entered school a week late. I had been sent to the cafeteria early to meet my student mentor. I was immersed in thoughts of how stupid this student mentor thing was as I opened the heavy double doors. Even as I was early tothe cafeteria, I was not alone. In the middle of the room, a large table sat full of seniors. They were so immersed in their conversations that they didn't notice the sound of the door bang closed behind me.

-It was my first day PERIOD Then I had to do this PERIOD I felt this PERIOD IIIIIII PERIOD PERIOD PERIOD PERIOD. This is what I feel like I just read. Although it has a mature way of reading, it's very...what's the word...blah.
-Why is the student mentor thing stupid?
-"tothe" needs a space between them.
-You used 'immerse' twice. Thesaurus anyone?

It didn't matter anyway, I wasn't looking at them. I was staring at the small, circular table in the far corner. At it sat the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. He was pale with black hair that spiked messily. His arms were crossed, his eyes closed lightly and his mouth a tight line. I gasped for breath. During my admiration sometime, I hadn't noticed myself stop the rythm of my breath.....And the beat of my heart.

-Personally, someone who looks like they are concentrating way to hard for the cafeteria, even if he is 'super cute' would make me laugh. Just the expression on his face is so out of place.
-Hmm, the whole two sentences about her breath seems like a drag on. She gasped, then sometime, she lost the rythm? of her breath? Maybe she just stopped breathing all together, hence the gasp. (Fix spelling)
-If you are going to keep the last like, three periods then a lower case a. And ellipse is only three periods. Any more than that is just over kill.

I took a forced step forward. My foot stepped forward a fraction of an inch. I looked down at the note in my hands. "Table 2" it said. I looked up at the table and it's beautiful occupant. A folded card on the tabletop had a simple number two. He was definately my student mentor. I take a few more steps forward. I was halfway there when a thought occured to me. He might not be my student mentor. Mabey he was just a normal boy sitting at a favorite table. But before I could stop myself I was standing at the table saying "Hi, I was supposed to meet my student mentor here."

-You repeat a few words here. Forward, and you over use the letter F. It may be just me, but its annoying. Forced, Forward, Foot, Fraction, Folded, Few, Favorite...
-The thought that occurred to her, should be in italics. (Fix spelling)
-Misspelled: Occurred and Maybe and Definitely.

"Hm, hmm, what? Oh I'm sorry that's me. I'm Chase" his beautiful voice slowed as he stood and looked at me.

-Period after Chase but in the quotes.

I was in the middle of trying to think of something to say when his eyes caught my own eye. His eyes were dark, looming, seductive, consuming. I was so deep in the depths of Chase's eyes that I didn't notice his hand rose and rested on the back of my neck. His slight pressure pushed my head forward. Our lips touch and the world melted away. His kiss captivated me. Before my brain turned to mush, I was able to get one coherent thought out: Mabey this student mentoring thing isn't so stupid after all.

-Too many adjectives for his eyes. Spread them out...
-Mush? Really? I'd like to see a different word there.
-Maybe is spelt wrong.
-And any thoughts she has should be in quotes.

Overall:

This is cute and made me laugh at the end. Although it is sort of unrealistic. If you end it here, it'd be perfect in my opinion. You have a few grammar and punctuation issues that I pointed out, but you really need to use a thesaurus. When writing, be glued to it. Now, I'm not saying use really hard words (SAT type words) but something to mix it up a bit. Your writing seems well thought out, I'd hate to see it go up in smokes due to repeated words. I liked this piece. Keep it up.

-Jayleigh

This is for those of you who thought the kiss was too early.

The whole point was for the kiss to be early. They had just met. Their eyes locked and something just clicked. Not to mention that boys can be impulsive sometimes. Well it was just something irresistable. I guess mabey some of you don't really understand that. If you did, then you wouldn't say it was too early. That they should have talked first.

And for those of you who found grammer errors...

Well it happens. eal with it. Despite that... thank you for your pointers.

Hey Brooklyn!

I kind of want to read the sequel where the guy would be totally suspended for inappropriate conduct, lol.

Anyway, I find it highly unlikely that she would ever be this... lucky? I don't they would pair up a class mentor like this. In any case, the kiss is still too fast. I mean, I understand that they're both kind of shallow and reckless and impulsive, but even then, the kiss is too fast to really make the story neat. It's kind of like a strip tease. If a woman just took off her pants, and shirt, that wouldn't exactly be... seductive. Part of the fun is taking a little longer, showing just a little bit of skin, etc. One of the stories on YWS actually has a strip tease with a sock, which is funny, but really sexy too because just the image of the toes wiggling out of the sock drove the guy half mad. It's a fun story!

This is not seductive! There is no lead in, no tease, nothing, so it, as a romantic fiction story, is very lacking. Draw it out a little longer and see what happens.

Did you consider sticking this in fanfic? Since this reads like TWILIGHT and I'm suprised no one has explicitly stated that yet. If I want to read Twilight, I'll read it. Not some half-hearted attempt to steal more than most of the details out of it and string it up into a romantic fic story of your own.

Most of the reviewers above have already done a good enough job of pointing out the areas where this piece falls flat. I would not only ask you to take in their comments into account, but also to consider whether you really want to do a rewrite of Twilight. I'm not a Twilight-hater; nor do I love the series - but I have read it, and any effort by anyone else to copy it just comes across as fake. As if they haven't got much else to write about, as if they're sorely lacking in ideas. New girl + pretty boy in cafeteria + table full of seniors + irregular heartbeat + seductive eyes + mushy brain during kissing --- these details are directly taken from the SM's book and so inelegantly plonked in the story so as to render it substanceless. Imitation might be the sincerest form of flattery when it is done well. Bad imitation just acts as an insult.

If you want me to go into specifics, I can be more thorough, but like I said - jayleighsmith, Lilicia and Elinor have covered the details quite well already and I wouldn't be doing much more than echoing them.

Okay, this is not bad; I think it has a lot of potential, but there are a few things it needs. It needs more meat! We don't really know much about the character besides the fact that she started school a week late. We need background information. It is hard to connect with a character if you know basically nothing about them.

Also, you switch from past to present tense a couple times. This is a pet peeve of mine. Make sure you are always writing in the same tense.

I know this has been said several times, and I know you disagree, but the kiss was too rushed! She didn't even get her name out. Yes, I know the point is that they kiss right away, but it was just a little too fast. They didn't even now each other at all yet. That sounds more like lust than love. They didn't even have enough time to show any signs of chemistry between them. That aside, the kiss was too rushed in the way that you didn't say enough before they kissed. We don't know enough about the characters, and we don't know much of what is going on in the MC's head. You talked about his appearance a bit, and how beautiful he is, and that was pretty much it. I also think they should have said a bit more to each other before the kiss.

So, long story short, beef it up!

Keep writing!

The story was kind of interesting and I can see it turning into something great! You left me in suspense but there are a few spelling errors that distract me. Also, it seems a bit rushed. I'd like to know more about this girl and her story but I understand this is probably in the beginning stages. I wasn't crazy about the part where you described how she felt when she saw Chase. Felt a bit cheesy. Good start though. I see potential.