The Fated Chapter 2

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The Second Time Around
Annabeth

There was a song for every memory. Some were famous, some were her own, but all were as clear in her mind as when Annabeth had first sung them.
She never wrote them down, never recorded them, but, somehow, she remembered every song she’d ever heard, even if it was just in her mind. People called her a prodigy, but Annabeth had always considered her gift useless. Yes, she had an amazing voice, but she had no wish of becoming a star, and she was terrible with musical instruments.
Annabeth raised her head from the writing desk which she had gotten quite a while back. Her mother said that it was antique, extremely old. To Annabeth, though, it was nothing to be careful with. No matter what happened, it never got damaged. The only sign of any wear at all was a jagged line running down the middle of the writing surface. Something drew her toward that line, yet there was always a slight warning in the back of her mind, telling her to be afraid.
Slowly, she traced the line with her index finger, allowing herself to take comfort in its familiar texture and width.
Footsteps rang out as they progressed from the kitchen up the stairs. From the lightness of the sound and the way it danced through her thoughts, Annabeth could tell it was her little sister, Louise.
“Lovely, isn’t it?” Annabeth commented as her sister entered the room. She turned away from the white wall that she had never gotten around to painting.
“What’s lovely?” Louise asked, plopping down on the black and grey comforter that adorned the white bed. “And please don’t tell me that you’re talking about that stupid song again.” She picked a leaf out of her hair. Annabeth watched, amused.
“I mean, I’m all for creativity, but this is just absurd.” This time, Louise picked a pine needle out of her silky, dark strands.
“You’ve been playing on the trampoline again, haven’t you?” Annabeth accused as the realization struck her mind.
Louise rolled her eyes. “No! I’ve been practicing on the trampoline again.”
Annabeth raised her eyebrows in disbelief. “You just recovered from your leg injury, and you want to get on it again?”
Louise nodded, looking at Annabeth as if that particular point should be obvious. “Yes,” she said slowly, as if speaking to someone incompetent.
Annabeth pursed her lips in disapproval. Her sister had always been recklessly brave, as had she, but after their dad died in a skiing accident, she was much more careful. Louise was her responsibility now. She had to make her behave so that no one would call Social Services on them.
“I thought it was obvious, I’m selling the trampoline.”
Louise’s face welled up in anger. When her voice came out, it was full of venom. “Just because Mom’s a stupid drunk and Dad’s dead,” Annabeth flinched at the word. “doesn’t mean that you get to be in charge of everything! I know money’s tight, you don’t have to hide it!”
Annabeth’s eyes widened considerably at this bit of unexpected insight.
“What?” Louise spit out the words like a whip. “You think I didn’t know? Do you honestly find me that stupid? We’re living off your salary at McDonald’s and insurance money. Mom sits at home alone guzzling up half of that with movies and beer. How could I have not noticed?”
Annabeth lowered her head and sighed, studying the stains on the thread-bare, pea green carpet.
“Listen, Anna,” Louise said gently, getting off of the bed. “You’re my big sister, you’re supposed to protect me, but it’s not up to you to take care of me. I can work, you know I can. I can take up a paper route, maybe the neighbors next door will loan me a bike. Things are never going to be the same, and I know that, but that doesn’t mean that they have to be terrible.”
Giving a small smile, Annabeth pulled her little sister into a hug.

Louise’s eyes grew wide and flickered yellow for just a second. Annabeth felt her body tense.
She pulled away. “Louise?” she asked. “Louise, what’s…” Annabeth trailed off as black light danced through her head. It swirled among yellow, a color she associated with fear, and red, a color she associated with anger. This was the brightest red she’d ever seen.
“Louise?” Annabeth said, her voice shaky. “Louise, get behind me.” Hesitantly, Louise took a step backwards.
“Now!” Annabeth ordered, her voice transformed.
As if determined not to be ordered around, Louise stepped back up, locking her feet to the bedroom floor.
Annabeth sighed with resignation. Sometimes she just didn’t understand Louise.
Both girls had seen terrors, and unusual things were usual for them- they were both confident in the fact that there was someone in the house. Yet, for some strange reason, they both felt a tad bit ridiculous as the footsteps stopped, and they waited, shifting from side to side awkwardly.
Suddenly, static flared up in Annabeth’s brain.
“There’s a Seer in this house, Jall,” came the voice. It was gruff, and Annabeth pictured the owner as an overweight man with a scruffy beard. “The most powerful one I’ve ever sensed.”
Annabeth heard the man stiffen as he came up to the door.
“And a Fighter. She’s almost invisible, she guards her thoughts so well. It’s a good thing I’m the best Senser around.”
“For God’s sake Bert, lower your voice, you yourself said that there’s a Seer in this house!” Annabeth assumed the man was Jall. She pictured him as tall and pale with slicked-back white-blond hair. Annabeth couldn’t quite pinpoint his eyes though.
The first man grunted, saying, “Well, if they can hear us, we’d best get on in there before they get out here themselves! It’s best that death be mighty quick rather than tediously slow.”
Annabeth could hear the sarcasm in Jall’s voice as he said, “Surely they’re not good enough to best you, Jonah.”
“Aye, I believe they are. But we’d best get in there now before we reveal any more important names like Flayer’s.”
A deep, rumbling laugh floated under the door and up into the girls’ ears.
“Well, now you’ve really set them off, Jonah,” complained Jall.
“Oh just open the door already!”

The door flew open with a bang. Two men stood there, just as Annabeth had imagined them. The short one held an axe and the tall one had nothing but his self.
Jall gaped as he looked across the room. Annabeth gaped back. This man looked startlingly like Louise, in the eyes at least. They changed color, also.
Stuttering, Jall uttered out one single word. “Leah?”
Writing's a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia E.L. Doctorow
I've always believed that writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing. The first is ransom notes Philip Dusenberry
I'm so clever that I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying Oscar Wilde




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This was generally well-written; it definitely seems like you've proofread it at least once or twice. Just a couple odd things I wanted to point out.

Something drew her toward that line, yet there was always a slight warning in the back of her mind, telling her to be afraid.

Slowly, she traced the line with her index finger, allowing herself to take comfort in its familiar texture and width.


So she goes from feeling a warning about it to taking comfort in it? It's a weird transition.

“You’ve been playing on the trampoline again, haven’t you?” Annabeth accused as the realization struck her mind.

Louise rolled her eyes. “No! I’ve been practicing on the trampoline again.”

This is good, but what would make it even better is if you italicized "practicing" to give it emphasis.

“Aye, I believe they are. But we’d best get in there now before we reveal any more important names like Flayer’s.”

This is silly; he sounds like a really bad Bond villain. I've crossed out the part you should consider removing.

All in all, what you really need to work on is the interplay between Jonah and Jall. Their dialogue reminds me of Tweedledum and Tweedledee; that is, they come off as bumbling idiots rather than foreboding characters. What would be better is if Annabeth merely sensed two figures coming up to her. That'd make it dark and mysterious.

In any case, keep working on this.




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Hello there!

This was interesting and well written. Your grammar is very good. I kind of had a sense of what was going on even though I didn't read the first chapter. I think this is a good thing. It means you are sticking to your plot.

I think the intro of Jall is a little vague. You could put more detail for that part. I also feel like his dialogue could use some livening up, like Nate kind of mentioned.

I like the magic-esque world you have created here. It's very nice.

A better transition from hugging to sensing the intruders during the middle part would be nice, but maybe that's just confusion from not reading previous chapters.

This is really good! Keep it up,

-Esther
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/



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