Death By Chess June 24, 2091 Part Six

Yay, my new room, not!

Night came quickly, after more formal introductions were made.

Feeling rather awkward, I asked the assortment of men walking around the warehouse, "Where do I sleep?"

"Oh, the lady wants a place to sleep." Frank taunted.

"She can have your room." Jerro said to Frank. Most of the others laughed.

"Where do I sleep?" He protested.

"Find a place. Now, show Riley to her room."

Frank, with many complaints, lead me up a ladder, and opened a door. The room was small, with not much in it. I walked in, and he slammed the door behind me. I wondered if I had just made myself a permanent enemy. I look around the room, there wasn't much too look at, though. The whole room was a ten foot square, with a bed against a wall.

A better word, actually, would be cot, it wasn't really much. As I caught my reflection in the wooden beau's cracked mirror, I noticed how wild I looked. My blond hair was in mass chaos around my head. I ran my fingers through it in an attempt to smooth it down.

There was nothing to be done about my eyes, though. I looked like I just saw a ghost, and I was pale. Even compared to Jack, who had no tan to speak of, I looked like a freak. The leather jacket and gun did nothing to clam the 'wild' look.

I ran my eyes over the cracks in the walls, and looked again in the mirror. I was a member of a gang, for however long I lasted.

My life was getting way out of hand.

I haven't read the rest, so I'll be concentrating mostly on the grammar. However, this is really, really short. If each part is this short, then why don't you just group them together?

In any case, you have a problem with fragments and run-ons. Some examples:

"Oh, the lady wants a place to sleep." Frank taunted.

"She can have your room." Jerro said to Frank.

The parts in italics are fragments. To fix it, all you need to do is end the dialogue with a comma instead of a period.

A better word, actually, would be cot, it wasn't really much.

Take out the part in italics. Not only is it redundant, but it turns the sentence into a run-on. If you wish to keep it, then turn the last comma into a semi-colon.

My blond hair was in mass chaos around my head. I ran my fingers through it in an attempt to smooth it down.

I'm quoting this because it's something you did well. It's action oriented and conveys the description well without being verbose. It's also well-written.

On the whole, just work for now on getting rid of those run-ons and fragments.

For future reference:
Dialogue Punctuation by JFW1415
Commas vs. semi-colons by Evi

Hello! Like Nate, I haven't read earlier parts.

Nate's covered the grammar, so I shall go after what I can.

Firstly, I'm not too fond of how the MC's comments vanish while other people are talking. It's good you're giving the other characters space to be themselves and take the spotlight periodically, but they are talking about her. I'd have expected more of her thoughts on the whole thing in this part, if only because she's the topic of conversation. People tend to feel a certain way when they are the topic of conversation. How does this character feel? By answering that question, you'd give us a lot more insights into her thoughts on being part of a gang, and more insights into her personality.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey