My calm

I do not yet know you

We may have spent a thousand hours together,
but I do not yet know you.

I may have looked upon you my whole life,
but I have not seen you.

I may have dreamed about your looks,
but I have not seen your beauty.

We may be in the same or a different place,
but you are worlds apart from me.

I might have heard a song from you
that would shame every bird that cries,
but I do not know your voice.

We may have held hands or leaned on each other,
but I do not know your touch.

Your name might have been uttered by me
from the moment my lips could form words,
but your true name to me is hidden.

When will all this be revealed to me?

When the three words are spoken by you,
and i know you want them to bind you.

I will repeat them back to you,
hoping our binding will not tarnish or fade.

We may have never met,
and I might never know you.
But for my sake I hope you enlighten me.

For if I am chaos
you are my calm.

Hi nicchaos,

Welcome to YWS! Don't forget to post some reviews and get acquainted with the other members. I'm sure they'll all be pleased to meet you

Re: your poem. I quite like the approach you have here, talking to an as-yet-unknown person. And for the first few repetitions of the "I may have...but I have not..." format, it's really interesting. Unfortunately, I think you use this a bit too long, because I felt my attention beginning to drift after the third or forth repetition. Perhaps you could shift the format a little, or provide a twist that will keep the reader's attention. That way, you won't lose your audience before you get to the big finish!

I did have some problems with the rhythm as well, which became kind of awkward in places. You might want to try reading it out loud and trimming down a couple of lines to make it smoother.

Overall, an interesting poem. Keep writing!

Cheers,
~bubbles

First off welcome Nick. Glad to see you followed my advice and joined. If you need any help you know where I live.

Anyway about your poem. I really love the words you used and I understand sorta where you were going with the poem. The only problem I really have is that I think it was towards the middle your rhyming. My suggestion is to speak it out loud and see if you can either ryhme those words better and add and extra line to fix it. Or cut that line out completely. I would recommend just fixing it though. There is a lot of this poem that I would hate to get cut.

Good Luck
Riven,(Roman)

P.s. A bit of an inside joke for you and Mr. Chaos but I got pen off my arms finally.

Ha Ha. She texted me right when i got home and asked about that.

Regarding the poem, it was just something that was in my head that i wiped up. i know its a love poem, but it was there. i don't mind if its bad. I'm more into story writing anyway. but i might submit one or two more.
i love feedback. anything people can tell me about my work is beyond fantastic.
Nic chaos

The only thing I have to say is that you need to CAPITALIZE YOUR I'S! Gah that was very annoying to me haha, other than that I (<-See that, capitalizing my I's yep yep lol) thought this was really quite good for your first post (at least I think it was your first. . ) Anyway, welcome and keep writing!

I don't know, capitalizing the I's is technically incorrect, but i did not want to draw attenchen to the fact that I repeated "I" so many times. And I was a bit lazy. So sue me
Thanks for the kind words

Hello there!

Sorry for the quite delay because I just had a class overnight activity.

First and foremost, you really need to capitalize your "I"s. It's not good to look at a piece of poetry with I's not in uppercase. As what Bubblewrapped has said, spice this up. In my opinion, this is all plainly written (sorry). You need to put some emotions throughout your poem and some imageries- something grabbing you know.

Just one thing:

I do not yet know you
We may have spent a thousand hours together,
but i do not yet know you.

That seemed redundant and you might want to rephrase it. It's because in my own point of view, repetitions are never fun to read, they bore me a little.

All in all:

Kicking aside those nitpicks and comments, this has potential. I know you can do better than what you're offering right here. What I also like is the flow of this poem and the concept behind this is impressive.. I think your punctuations are in the right places and your tenses are good and as with your grammar, though I might not be the right person to correct you on that, still I find it pretty neat and clean. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Hmmm, I think this was very interesting. It's a style of poem that flows, but all connects at the same time. Good job, but just one question and I might be completely oblivious, but Is the person just imagining this? Or did it actually happen?

Alright alright. I give. The I's are capitalized. I admit, it does look better that way.
To reader 22, no i don't thing its completely obvious. I am sad to say that I only dream this stuff up when I'm board in algebra. But hey, hope springs eternal.
Thanks for the suggestions. I will consider them all carefully.
Nicchaos

nicchaos wrote:I do not yet know you
We may have spent a thousand hours together,
but I do not yet know you. You pretty much said I do now know you twice here. I don't know why you repeated it.


I may have looked upon you my whole life,
but I have not seen you. You change from making it a three line thing to a two line thing.

I may have dreamed about your looks,
but I have not seen your beauty. I don't like the word looks here for some reason.


We may be in the same or a different place,
but you are worlds apart from me. Sorry I have to separate into stanzas. I think you should consider doing this also..


I might have heard a song from you
that would shame every bird that cries,
but I do not know your voice. You went back to three lines.


We may have held hands or leaned on each other,
but I do not know your touch.

Your name might have been uttered by me
from the moment my lips could form words,
but your true name to me is hidden.


When will all this be revealed to me?
When the three words are spoken by you,
and I know you want them to bind you. Capitalize the I's!
I will repeat them back to you,
hoping our binding will not tarnish or fade. I love these lines starting at the revealed part.

We may have never met, This makes no sense to me. How have they never met.
and I might never know you.
But for my sake I hope you enlighten me. I love the word enlighten for some reason haha.
For if I am chaos
you are my calm.

This is my favorite line in the whole poem. it is also a very suitable ending.


Ok. So anyway now that I have taken care of that, I'm Flower! I hope you are enjoying yourself on this site! If you ever need anything I am only a pm away.

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this. I got most of my nitpics out of the way above so there isn't much to say. I do feel you need to put it into stanzas, and capitalize your I's. Other than that all you have to do is read above to see how I feel.

I really enjoyed it, pm me if you need me.

-Flower-