Boring Phone-Calls

You called, beloved, how mundane!
My hotel number, which must have
faded from the crook
of your arm by now -I
know how you sweat there,
how the rash builds up,
red and yellow, flaking
towards the edges and the centre-
charming, I'm sure.
I turned on the tap and
let it hiss at you while I hummed,
and over the noise I yelled
"I am sick of this fishbowl," and
you stayed away,
and I spent too much
on room service robbery-
crisps, ice-cream, pizza,
comforting lump in my gut,
and fell asleep dazed
and upside down with
my head hanging off
the edge of the bed
and oh
did that hurt
in the morning!

This is a great poem!

The only thing that bothered me (and I'm no poet, so feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt or sand or whatever you please), was that the storyline seemed to fade off toward the end. At the beginning, I got this great sense of strength and scorn, but it faded to a sort of fogginess at the end and I thought there wasn't quite enough development to help the reader along. I think you could have made it a little longer without damaging the work, and it might have come across a little stronger.

Anyway, I still think it's great! And I love your tone!

Hi Jasmine Hart,

I'd forgotten how much I enjoy your poetry I really liked this: the tone was taunting but still direct, and I was intrigued from the first line. There was one area that bothered me, though.

You called, beloved, how mundane!
My hotel number, which would have been
faded from the crook
of your arm by now...I
know how you sweat there,
how the rash builds up,
red and yellow, flaking
towards the edges and the centre-
charming, I'm sure.

Firstly, "would have been" seems a clumsy phrase. Perhaps you could reword it? Something like "must have" or "should have" would give this line more fluidity, I think.

Secondly, the ellipsis seems out of place - might be better replaced with a dash, or bump the "I" to the next line and leave a full stop in its place. It just doesn't fit with the professionalism of the rest of the poem in my opinion.

Unlike Shepherd, I felt the second half of the poem was its strongest point, and I love the image of the narrator (I'm assuming a woman) lying back with her head tipped off the bed. Somehow it seems to fit the undertones surrounding the story. Overall, a fascinating little portrait and a fun read!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Ah, how I've missed peeling back the layers of your poetry my love. This was great. I love the immediately strong tone of your persona and the fading out to the end. There's such a nice feel of progression in this poem. Here's a few comments:

You called, beloved, how mundane! [My favourite 'stand alone' line of the poem. Here the voice is at the strongest and I'd love to see it double back to this strength at least once more in the poem.]
My hotel number, which would have been
faded from the crook
of your arm by now...I [I agree that a dash would be better, more firm and strong to fit in with the persona.]
know how you sweat there,
how the rash builds up,
red and yellow, flaking
towards the edges and the centre-
charming, I'm sure. [Another really good line. It was starting to waver but this pulled it back tight.]
I turned on the tap and
let it hiss at you while I hummed,
and over the noise I yelled
"You're not to come over," and [I'm not sure about the speech? It's the only direct thing she says and I'd have liked it to be firmer, more witty, something more fitting. It seems a little mundane to steal a word ]
you did not,
and I spent too much
on room service robbery and [Room service robbery. Very good. Maybe you could expand on this? A line or two about what she bought, maybe hints of a weakness, of bitterness at needing it to make her feel better?]
fell asleep dazed
and upside down with
my head hanging off
the edge of the bed [Love the image this prints. Makes me thing of the gallows or execution.]
and oh did that hurt in the morning!

I felt that it flowed well, a lot was revealed about the persona and I loved the little phrases. I'd have liked another line or two giving us a sense of what they've fallen out over or what the disruption is, a hint of abuse or just general fireworks but in brief, I thought it very powerful.

Heather xx

Thanks guys.

Very good. Really, its better than I could do, so I feel a little bad sayin that I have couple nitpicks.

First, the middle section (5-10, approx.) was really nice. I like the slightly cynical "charming, I'm sure." There's a touch of dark humor in there that I wish was in the rest of the poem.

Which brings me to my second point, in which I try to alter the style of your poem to my own liking. The last line could be this: "and oh, did /that/ hurt in the morning" which would carry through the bit of sarcasm that I like. However, this is something that's just my taste, so ignore me if you don't like it. The piece is wonderful as is.

Hey Jas!

I don't think I've really read much of your poetry before, but the style of it really intrigued me. It was lovely.

The beginning, for me, was the strongest part. The narrator's voice there seemed so forceful, so sure of herself, that I immediately liked here. There were flashes of that time to time during it, but I'd like it if the personality came through a little stronger at some points.

The end I actually enjoyed. It ventured off the path it had started on, but in a way that was controlled, so it felt good. However, I think some parts of the end were a little weak, and you could probably strengthen those with some of the humour and cynical feeling I get from the poem.

Sorry for the rather useless review, but I really enjoyed it!

-Amy

Hey Jasmine!

I think Shephard made a good point about this. It does seem to fade off from the beginning. This sounds so upset at the beginning and it sounds upset at the end but for different reasons. The beginning is upset with scorn but the end is upset more with irritation. But there wouldn’t be much of a way to change this without changing the entire poem.

Your writing is lovely, Jas. Good job!

~lilymoore

Jasmine, I always look to your poetry as a source of inspiration. There's something unique to you about them that never les me down, as it's always fresh and unpredictable in the sort of way that keeps me reading and never stretches to the far out sections where it's difficult to understand.

I mostly enjoyed the opening of this -- and pray, I mean this in the most positive of ways when I say this, but thank goodness you've included a title, because I would've been lost a few degrees without. It's the sort of poem that can take many directions, separately or all at once, and the title was just the little nudge in the proper direction. So, I say that I enjoyed the opening mostly because it was a sort of sloping opening, that directed us into a slide downhill -- not downhill as in worsening, but downhill as in increasing in excitement and not-knowing-what-to-expect-ness and brought us to the end in that subtly rewarding sense, that leaves us asking how do we decipher what we've got out of this? This is the type of poetry I love, Jas, the kind that brings such vivid images to head, and works with them and tweaks them into a single beautiful image that keeps us thinking without realizing it and leaves nothing for a critique to say but well done and our thumbs pointing skyward.

June

Thanks guys! I'll take another look at this soon and see if I can fix it in accordance with your thoughts.