Loves Curse

Loves Curse.

I love you darling, with all of my heart
I hope you know it’s true
The feeling in my chest, knowing you’re the best
The things I’d do for you

Right now though, I feel like I’m dying
Every fight feels like the last.
That you would leave me, shatter the key
You have to my beating heart.

I can’t believe the ways I’ve hurt you
Each time a little worse
Maybe your love for me, isn’t a melody
But more of a wicked curse.

I never mean to do them,
All the things that make you hurt
I fall to the ground, you don’t make a sound
Just pull me up from the dirt.

You say that you will love me forever
Through all of the pain and the strife
Will you still love, my angel from above?
Your answer will change my life.



First ever "real" poem. Tips on anything would be gladly appreciated. Thanks

Hi itsaslowfade,

Welcome to YWS! Don't forget to leave some reviews and get acquainted with the other members; I'm sure they'll be pleased to meet you

Re: your poem - to be honest, it reads more like a song to me than a poem, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I like the rhythm and the rhyme scheme. You've managed to keep most of it in time and the rhyming is generally un-forced, which is unusual for a beginner

The only thing I really had a problem with was, well, the content. There isn't much that separates this from any of a thousand poems/songs about love - it uses many of the same words, ideas and conventions. Try to push yourself beyond the images that come ready to hand and find something unique to make the poem your own. Also, I think the way it's addressed to an unidentified "you" serves to distance us from the point of the poem. Basically, we get left out of half the story, which wouldn't be all bad except that you don't provide an emotional or imaginative doorway through which we can connect either. So it doesn't have as much impact as it could have done.

Perhaps next time you could use some more imagery to draw the reader in. Show us how 'you' feel, rather than tell us, you know? Or you could set this to music and turn it into a pop hit - the choice is yours

Overall, it was sweet but could use some depth. Not bad for a first "real" poem! I'll look forward to seeing what you come up with in the future. Keep writing!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Welcome itsaslowfade,

I do agree with bubblewrapped. It's pretty usual. Even though I think so I also love your poem. It tells feelings. Deep feelings but again I would have liked to see the feelings. Feel the feelings. Great Job and happy writing.

-BrooklynWriter

i loved this, i don't really know how to describe this, keep up the good work.

Hey. I enjoyed this. It was a good length and not too long, and it had a good rhyme and rhythm to it. I think it is a great effort for a first shot. What I would say though, is that not all poems need to be rhyming. They usually are better is they have a rhythm to it though. But as to your content, I think it was nice and different, in a personal way, because you wrote it, and each person writes differently. But it is a pretty commonly used theme. But great effort for a first shot.

Hey itsaslowfade! I'm RepublicOfCoter but you may call me ROC.

I LOVED this poem! I loved the rhyming which was excellent for your first post I presume? Excellent length, not too long and not too short. It had this gentle feel to it which I felt deserves a clap *clapping with hands*. My favourite part was:

I can’t believe the ways I’ve hurt you
Each time a little worse
Maybe your love for me, isn’t a melody
But more of a wicked curse.

Keep up the excellent work and don't forget to review.

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter

I like this poem, it has a lot of heart in it and it flows really smoothly! One little thing, however:
"The feeling in my chest, knowing you’re the best"
Why don't you try:
"The feeling in my chest,
knowing you’re the best"
Up to you, Itsas. I hope you enjoy your time on the YWS and I hope to find more of your work very soon!

Hey Fade!

First of all, this is a pretty twisted poem, lol. It's like... they love each other, but they want to hurt each other? I am not sure how they are hurting each other (emotionally, physically, sexually?) but it seems like a rather unhealthy relationship all the same! My main advice is to show us how they are hurting each other and how that somehow translates to love... that way, we get a better feeling of the relationship!