You Were There

My latest poems have been a little better (i think) because i have had my friend go over them.
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In sickness and in health you were there.
Whether you were mad or sad, you were there.
When no one wanted me, you were there.
As I slept, you were there.
When I opened my eyes, you were there.
Now you're sleeping and wont open your eyes.
Open your eyes I need you!




You were there! You were always there!
And now you left. Why did you leave me?
Everything and everyone is falling apart.
Especially me. You're not there.
Not anymore. You left. And now you're here. With me. Within me. In my heart.

Hi EmelyEverAfter,
The first line made me think the speaker and the person the speaker was talking about were married. In my mind, I think if you weren't writing this poem about a person losing a spouse, then the first line is perfect for this poem. If you weren't writing it about a person losing their spouse, you might want to find a new first line. From the tone of the poem, I would think it was from a point a view of a younger person, but everybody understands things differently. This is might be one of those cases. I also think that you might want to split up your last line. Here is an example of what I mean. You don't have to put the line breaks where I did. I want you to use your own judgement and writing skills.

Not anymore. You left.
And now you're here.
With me. Within me.
In my heart.

Now, I want to say I love your poem. It's really beautiful and describes losing someone close to you. I also loved the way that you didn't come out and say that he or she died. I really enjoyed reading this. I hope this review helps you.

-Morgan:D

Hello there
First of all, cool name!
Now, back to the subject; I felt that your poem was a bit overly dramatic.

In sickness and in health you were there.
Whether you were mad or sad, you were there.
When no one wanted me, you were there.
As I slept, you were there.
When I opened my eyes, you were there.

Up to this part, I thought that everything was perfect.

Now you're sleeping and wont open your eyes.
Open your eyes I need you!

And then this part just threw everything downhill (for me). Maybe you didn't arrange the thought properly. And then the last stanza...eh, it got me a little worried, it just turned into a lot of whining instead. I think you already made some emphasis on the fact that 'this person' was always there before, you don't have to repeat it again.
I think you need to spice things up on this one. Make that bittersweet ending enticing and mesh it with the sweet words you started with.
(this was just my honest opinion ) Hope I made sense.

Hiya,

This was so-so. It's definitely not terrible like some of the other poems that I've read and reviewed recently. Still it felt, in a lot of ways, like something was missing.

EmelyEverAfter wrote:In sickness and in health you were there.
Whether you were mad or sad, you were there.
When no one wanted me, you were there.
As I slept, you were there.
When I opened my eyes, you were there.
Now you're sleeping and wont open your eyes.
Open your eyes I need you!

The third line is really nice here--I think it flows well and also branches out to a lot of people. The rest of the stanza--meh. The repetition of 'you were there' gets a little bit tedious, especially when you combine the fourth and fifth lines into one incident since they go hand in hand. So something like--"You where there as I slept. Even when I woke, you hadn't left"--would be the result. It would eliminate an unnecessary 'you were there', too. Repetition can be fun sometimes, but that's usually in songs and the repeated bits aren't on nearly every line.

You were there! You were always there!
And now you left. Why did you leave me?
Everything and everyone is falling apart.
Especially me. You're not there.
Not anymore. You left. And now you're here. With me. Within me. In my heart.

Why is the first line used with exclamation marks? It seems to be an attempt to make it dramatic, but it really comes across as forced. For one thing, they're not appropriate for the situation.Why scream it? If he just left, wouldn't she be remembering him fondly, not be angry? Even she was, it wouldn't make much sense? Why scream the things you like about a person when you're angry at them? The last line is really choppy. Phrases can go far in poetry--but here it just looks clunky, especially when some of these could be easily combined.

Hope I could help! Good luck with this, and PM me if you need anything.

-Elinor x

Can't do a real review cause we've got school tomorrow so all I'm going to say is, great work! Love the poem. The transition from safety and comfort to the total destruction of everything to the realization that his love will remain in her. LOVED it. Liked it.

Good poem you stress the point of losing a loved one close friend or someone much great.
You hit all the right beats on this piece to make it great and for that I raise my glass to ya!
I wonder if this is something you have gone through in your life? If so I'm truly sorry.
-Dawn