My baby Kronus

This was something I needed to do. I felt like I should share it.





I knew he’d gone before I awoke.
So I just went back to sleep.
I never wanted to get up.
I wanted to Die.
I still do.
I never want to see my friend dead
Lying in a heap
It should have been me.
Why couldn’t it be.
I’ll never get to see,
The only one who loved me.
Never again,
He left me,
For all eternity.
He saved me,
From my own stupidity.
Now I’ve lost the key,
The thing that made me happy.
I love you Kronus
More than I could say.
If only I could change the past.
It’d be a different way.
You’d be here
You’d be with me.
I love you Kronus,
For always and eternally.
You weren’t my dog,
You weren’t just an animal.
I wont say you were my best friend.
Because you always will be.
You are my everything.
My air is gone.
There’s no water in sight.
But the friend ship is here.
It will never be lost.
I love you Kronus.
There’s simply to much to say.
But I miss you,
I do,
Katie does too.
Honey will get through.
But I miss you,
I couldn’t continue.
I love you.
Please come back.
I love you.
I’ll do any thing I need to.
I love you.
Please don’t let this be true.
I need you,
I really do.
You need me too,
I know that’s true.
Please Kronus!
I love you.
Katie does too.
What will I do without you?
Please Kronus!
I love you.
And I know you love me too.

Wow...this was good. I loved how you used repition, it made an impact on the reader. Emotion was displayed very well and I could feel your feelings and emotions. The only thing I would change was make stanzas, its much easier to read that way. But good job! And I'm sorry for your loss. Keep writing!

I have to be honest here. I'm kind of jelous. You're only 13 and you're already a better writer than me. I like how the beginning of the poem kepted me guessing on who you were talking about. Your poem is great and sorry for your loss.

Hey there
I really loved this you know. It was deep and sad and relatable (I lost my dog too a while ago). I think you managed to display a lot of emotion which is important for this kind of poem. This poem is a great improvement from the last one I read of your.
Good job

Hey screamandshout,
I'll do my best!

I never wanted to get up.
I wanted to Die.

I would put, I just wanted to die. But that's just my opinion.

I’ll never get to see,
The only one who loved me.

I like ow this flows.

I’ll never get to see,
The only one who loved me.
Never again,

Maybe put, Never ever again.

Now I’ve lost the key,
The thing that made me happy.

I would maybe put, The thing that made me, me. another opinion.

I think you did a wonderful job! This almost made me cry.





Hope I helped!

Jungle

Hey. I think this was really well written. It wasn't long and drawn out like it could have been, and the repetition had a good impact. I also liked how you flowed smoothly from not rhyming to rhyming. Normally I find that it doesn't work, but I think it did here. But what I really liked was that it had a lot of emotion in it. It wasn't just telling the reader what happened, but more showing the reader the impact of it. It was really written well.

Alrighty, Flower here as requested! Ok, here we go.





I knew he’d gone before I awoke. This line seemed awkward to me. I think you should try and reword it.
So I just went back to sleep.
I never wanted to get up.
I wanted to Die.
I still do.
I never want to see my friend dead
Lying in a heap Lying in a heap? A heap of what exactly?
It should have been me.
Why couldn’t it be. This is a question, there should be a question mark.
I’ll never get to see,
The only one who loved me.
Never again,
He left me,
For all eternity.
He saved me,
From my own stupidity. How did he save you from stupidity? These are questions that need to be answered in your poem.
Now I’ve lost the key,
The thing that made me happy.
I love you Kronus
More than I could say.
If only I could change the past.
It’d be a different way. I don't feel you need this line, we already know if you changed the past it would be different.
You’d be here
You’d be with me.
I love you Kronus,
For always and eternally.
You weren’t my dog,
You weren’t just an animal.
I wont say you were my best friend.
Because you always will be. I love this line!
You are my everything.
My air is gone.
There’s no water in sight.
But the friend ship is here.
It will never be lost.
I love you Kronus.
There’s simply to much to say.
But I miss you,
I do,
Katie does too.
Honey will get through.
But I miss you,
I couldn’t continue.
I love you. Starting here the repition of I love you gets very annoying. We know you love him, so it's not nessecary to repeat it so much.
Please come back.
I love you.
I’ll do any thing I need to.
I love you.
Please don’t let this be true.
I need you,
I really do.
You need me too,
I know that’s true.
Please Kronus!
I love you.
Katie does too. Where does Katie come in? Is it a sibling?
What will I do without you?
Please Kronus!
I love you.
And I know you love me too.[/quote]


Alright now that's taken care of. I liked this, I know what it's like to lose a pet, that's why I don't want them anymore. I think there is emotion there, but it didn't really touch me. All I saw was I love you written over and over. Try and paint some pictures for us. As of now we don't know why you loved the dog, and we don't know what the dog looked like. As I said above you added characters that you didn't need, this is about you and him. I think if you painted more pictures it would be better. I still really like this though.

If you need anything, or have any questions about my review pm me.

-Flower-

Here on request, I shall do my best! Heh-heh.

screamandshout wrote:I knew he’d gone before I awoke. I agree with Flower, this line seems off. By preference, I'd change "awoke" to "awoken"--but that's just me.
So I just went back to sleep. This line's a continuation of the above, so a period's not really needed in line one.
I never wanted to get up. Just going to say it here: do not overuse the period. It makes the rhythm choppy and kills the mood.
I wanted to Die. Die doesn't need to be capitalized, and this line is too abrupt. Maybe think you're words over and alliterate or something...
I still do. Line above doesn't need a period, it needs a comma because here's another continuation-ish example (I'm pretty sure, at least).
I never want to see my friend dead Should be a comma after "dead". And shouldn't it be "wanted" instead of "want"?
Lying in a heap Upon the floor? Illustrate, please. Also, needs some sort of ending here--period, comma, semicolon, colon...
It should have been me.
Why couldn’t it be. Needs a question mark (like Flower pointed out) and it might sound better as "Why couldn't it have been me?" Or, something to that effect.
I’ll never get to see, Could be an excelent break for a new stanza!
The only one who loved me. This line truly touched my heart...
Never again, In my opinion, this line could be cut, because it's a bit dull and repetitive.
He left me, No comma needed here?
For all eternity.
He saved me, New stanza beginning, maybe...? Also, no comma needed here.
From my own stupidity.
Now I’ve lost the key,
The thing that made me happy. Awww...
I love you Kronus Should be an apostrophe between "you" and "Kronus".
More than I could say. Can say? Could say? Could go either way...
If only I could change the past. Line not needed, as Flower said. But, if you're to keep it, I'd reccommend changing that period at the end to a comma because the next line is certainly part of the same sentence.
It’d be a different way. This doesn't quite make sense to me... I'd revise this, if I were you.
You’d be here Comma? Period? Anything?
You’d be with me.
I love you Kronus, Comma needed for names, please.
For always and eternally. Should be "eternity".
You weren’t my dog, Rewrite these lines, maybe? To something like "You weren't just my dog,/ or an animal." Or something like that.
You weren’t just an animal.
I wont say you were my best friend. Apostrophe needed in "won't".
Because you always will be. Also, these lines don't sound that great either, one) because there should a comma in the line above, and two) it's just a tad confusing to me at least.
You are my everything.
My air is gone. I'd advise looking over this line--it's another choppy one. Elaborate!
There’s no water in sight.
But the friend ship is here. "Friendship" is one word, also, refrain from starting a setence with "because". No period needed here either.
It will never be lost.
I love you Kronus. Tone down the "I love you"s, they get a little too repetitive after awhile. Say I adored you or something. Explain how crippling the love is, not just shout it over and over.
There’s simply to much to say. Should be "too" not "to", remember the difference.
But I miss you,
I do,
Katie does too. Who's Katie? Another dog? Please, explain or remove.
Honey will get through. Same here, and no period needed.
But I miss you,
I couldn’t continue. Line sounds way off. Should be "I can't continue" or something like that.
I love you.
Please come back.
I love you.
I’ll do any thing I need to. "Anything" is one word.
I love you.
Please don’t let this be true. Has a bad ring to it, though I see you're trying at a rhyme. Don't. Use your words, words, words!
I need you,
I really do. Said this before, over and over. Change it up a bit.
You need me too,
I know that’s true. Just used "true" as recently as five lines up. When your words are that bunched up and close together, don't repeat unnecesisary words.
Please Kronus! Comma needed!
I love you.
Katie does too.
What will I do without you?
Please Kronus!
I love you.
And I know you love me too.

All in all, I can say I've been a bit nitpicky. I really thought that this piece had what a lot of others I've read (Not pointing any fingers. Ever.) don't--heart. I've been through the loss of many a pet and dealing with the grief of it can be terribly emotional and damaging. I'm so glad that you could find a good outlet for your pain and sorrow. Things of the soul are so hard to find, and when they show up out of the blue, they're even more precious.

So, I might come off as a little harsh, but I'm only trying to help in any way that I can. If my critque wasn't to your satisfaction, or if you want to ask me anything, just PM me, okay?

Nice work, by the way! I'll be sure to read some of your other pieces!

~Horseradish

Hello there!

EDIT:

Okay, you might see this vague or something related to that because other readers above me corrected the things I saw already and I don't like repeating it.

So, I find this really dark and very emotional. The way you wrote repetitions are good also but I think you should tone down how you state "I love you" in your poem because for me, it'll look like you're obsessed with something and it doesn't good to read.

Descriptions. Yes, you really need descriptions. Don't only focus on the physical but also go the emotional part of your narrator here. I think because 'I love you' isn't enough to know your narrator's feelings. Using imagery too, is good. So I think twist this up a bit, using imagery.

Stanzas. All I can see is that this is one long stanza. I prefer you need to chop this down into three or four stanzas. Separate it when a new matter is being talked about like: from Katie, about relationships, saying 'I love you' or something like that.

Good things: I can see your spellings are clean and I think a part of your grammar part is okay. Though I can see some awkward lines, especially on your starting line, so I think you need to rephrase those things or rewording them. Also, when you write a starting line, I prefer you need to place a good attention grabber to maintain the interest of the reader to read this until the end.

Overall: I think I like this! Just so you know, improve on the things that the you see very helpful from the people who helped you on your corrections and mistakes. PM me for questions.
I just noticed this is a long review.

Sorry too for your lost.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Hey,

So everyone got the grammar and such so I'm just here to say that I liked the repetion but maybe you over did it a little. Other than that, all the problems (There weren't many to begin with xD) were already taken care of. Nice job and I'm really sorry. You lost Zeus and Kronos? That's terrible. Sorry for your lost. =_(

~Jasmine Bells

Heya

Here to review as requested. You've already got a lot of reviews already and they're good ones as well. I'll try my best not to repeat anything that they've already said, unless I believe that it's really necessary. Plus, I'm not the best reviewer when it comes to poetry so don't expect anything amazing! I'll try my best though.

I knew he’d gone before I awoke,
so I just went back to sleep.
I never wanted to get up.
I wanted to Die.
I still do.
I never want to see my friend dead,
lying in a heap.
It should have been me.
Why couldn’t it be?
I’ll never get to see,
the only one who loved me. The rhyme here seems a bit forced to me. It feels as though you've just thrown it in so the poem can rhyme a bit.
Never again.
He left me,You don't need the comma here.
for all eternity.
He saved me,You don't need this comma either.
from my own stupidity.
Now I’ve lost the key,
the thing that made me happy.
I love you Kronus,
more than I could say.
If only I could change the past.
It’d be a different way.
You’d be here,
you’d be with me.
I love you Kronus,
for always and eternally.
You weren’t my dog,
you weren’t just an animal. This made me laugh... I find it quite drastic how you're saying that you're suicidal because your dog has died. Fair enough, a pet dying is hard, but I'm not sure how many people think that they should have died instead of their dog. On the other hand, it's quite interesting how it turns out that Kronus is a dog.
I wont say you were my best friend.You don't need the period here.
ecause you always will be.
You are my everything.
My air is gone.
There’s no water in sight,
but the friend ship is here. I think you mean friendship.
It will never be lost.
I love you, Kronus.
There’s simply too much to say.Don't need this period.
but I miss you,
I do.
Katie does too.
Honey will get through. This line confused me a bit. Honey will get through...? I'm think that you maybe mean, Honey, we'll get through. You need to clear that up a bit.
But I miss you,
I can't continue. Because the rest of your poem is in the present tense, this line should also be in the present tense. You used couldn't instead of can't.
I love you.
Please come back.
I love you.
I’ll do any thing I need to.
I love you.
Please don’t let this be true.
I need you,
I really do.
You need me too,
I know that’s true.
Please Kronus!
I love you.
Katie does too.
What will I do without you?
Please Kronus!
I love you.
And I know you love me too. I don't know if it's just me, but after reading the last part of this, I automatically thought Barney. It's the whole I love you and you love me kind of thing.

Overall

I definitely think that this poem has potential. The theme as a whole is a good one, in my opinion. You can do a lot with the idea of a pet dying. Obviously, you can't do anything nice and happy, but you can do something good with that theme. One of the things that I noticed was your grammar. You tend to think that you need a capital letter at the beginning of every line, which is untrue. Think of the grammar of a poem like any other kind of grammar. The grammar of a poem is no different to the grammar of a story, an essay, a report, a novel, or any other kind of writing. When a sentence ends, you use a period. After a period, you use a capital letter but unless there is a period, you don't. Unless you're using a name of someone or a place. I've corrected the areas where you misused your grammar. As for your spelling though, that was very good! I only found one spelling error, which you might not even be able to think of as a spelling mistake really. When it comes to your repetition, I think that it was both a good thing and a bad thing. Repetition is definitely effective in poems like this, but I kind of feel like you overused it a bit. Especially when you said 'I love you' about ten times.

My main critique for this is the fact that I didn't really feel any emotion in this. To be honest, the poem didn't tell us much and it was pretty vague. All that we knew is that your pet died and that you were sad about it. There are other things that I would like to know. For example, tell us some memories that you have of you and your dog. How did your dog make you feel? How long had you had your dog? What did your dog look like? Us readers would like to hear about more things like this. If you tell us these things, us readers will feel more sympathetic towards what you are saying. By doing that, you create emotion and make the poem ten times better! That is something that is really important in a poem; the emotion. Practically everyone think of poems as emotional pieces of writing, right? If there isn't any emotion in a poem, then a lot of people won't like it as much as they could. In a poem like this, you can create some very powerful emotion. It is about death after all. I'm not saying that there is no emotion in this poem at all. In fact, you make it clear that your dog was very, very important to you. Although, saying that you should have died instead of it is kind of over the top. I think that you could maybe cut down on the melodrama a bit. All that you need to do now is show us other emotions as well as your love for your dog. Make us feel sorry for you, tell us about your memories with your dog.

My other negative comment about this is the stanzas, or lack of stanzas in your case. This poem is one, very long stanza. The main problem with a poem without stanzas is the fact that it simply annoys the readers. Think of it like paragraphs in a story. The stanzas in a poem are very important, exactly like the paragraphs in a story. The stanzas separate the poem into sections, automatically making it easier and nicer to read. To be honest, you might find it easier to write as well if you did that. I definitely find it easier to write a poem like that, even though I don't write poems often because I'm terrible at doing so. When I do try and attempt to write a poem though, including stanzas in them make it easier to write because I know when to start a new theme. That's what stanzas tend to be needed, by the way; when you begin talking about something slightly different to what you've previously been talking about. If you're unsure when to start a new stanza, try baring that in mind. If you still struggle, you could always ask someone to help you with it before posting it on YWS?

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Hey there,

I stand under the impression that poems to release feelings are a good way to ventilate at times, as it gives us something else to focus on without forgetting. I'm not too sure what to say about this poem, because I'm sensitive about critiquing poems that speak for people's feelings rather than what their imagination has to say. I'm not sure that this poem did much for me, however, because I wasn't able to grasp how you felt from what you have here. I can understand the basics -- that you are sad, upset, and a bit in denial about your loss, but beyond that, I can't receive much else from it.

To begin, your lines are rather choppy. They're incomplete in some ways or others -- a quantity of fragments stacked up high, and I don't think you should do this. Keep your thoughts aligned, and don't break them up just because enjambment seems wrong without punctuation. Let them run on and bleed from one line into the other, pour your feelings into the words, in words that you don't speak with. I take after the impression that in order to make something poetic sometimes, you have to say things metaphorically, open a new glossary and borrow new words, because sometimes the words we use every day aren't enough to express certain feelings.

Furthermore, draw parallels! When you use extra images, such as where you have "there's no water in sight", draw comparisons and make this fit into your poem, because, if this is to be taken literally, you could stroll over to a faucet and drink it, but that's kind of way out in this. Show us where this connects and links to something else you already have existing in this poem, dear, because we cannot always see and understand where such images come from.

Finally, watch your repetition and use of phrases for the sake of rhyme or rhythm. Let your poem make sense! If something isn't working out with the rhythm deal, try again. If it still doesn't work, let it go. Don't bring new things in to compensate for what's lacking, because sometimes too much is poisonous to your poem.

I hope that helped some. I'm sorry for your loss. Keep writing,

June

Wow...I really liked this.It's simple, the reader can feel what YOU feel, which is the most important thing in poetry. A few grammar/spelling mistakes:

I knew he’d gone before I awoke.

Maybe "before I woke"? It would flow more, and besides, in poetry, the grammar doesn't have to be perfect if it makes the poem flow.

I won't say you were my best friend.

There’s simply to much to say.

Overall, I liked the emotion in this piece. I could actually feel your pain and sorrow. So good job, and keep writing! Post more stuff for me to review in my topic!

Awww, it sucks when dogs die. They become more than friends really quickly... they're beautiful creatures and lovely companions! The only way I can figure it is they die sooner than us so that they can pave a way for us for eternity by showing us what true love is like.

I'm not sure whether you want critiques on this or not, but I would really like to see (if you want to revise us) more of who Kronus was. He sounds like a great dog!