An honest word

An honest word

Spoiler

I'm not particulary proud of this piece.. so if reading my works... please don't judge the rest to be as awkward as this one... I thought of deleting it, but it's a good reminder. Well, I like the story I'm trying to tell but my english isn't very improve in here and well... it's not very good. Feel free to give it a try anyways.. ^^

Darling, would you look me in the eye,
And only tell what you honestly feel?
Would you able to speak without telling a lie?

I've asked you so many times yet,
You avoid my questions over again.
Suddenly acting like we never met.

Will you ever answer; how do you feel,
About me and about us?
Can you only once tell me, if this is real?

This little tingle in my belly,
This odd happy feeling,
That turn my body into jelly.

Because if you will leave me here,
empty-handed and alone,
I will end up lost my dear.

So if only once you could speak,
What you in your inner heart feel,
Then you might make me strong instead of weak.

Because as it is, i'm wandering lost.
Your words confuse me so bravely,
When falling for you, i didnt know the cost.

But here I stand, infront of you,
And you cant even look me in the eye.
But look me in the eye, and be true.

Dear darling, say my love mean
Something. please say you feel for me,
that I can always on your shoulder lean.

Say something that will once for all,
Proove that I'm fighting for
Love, 'cause then I'll kepp going till I fall.

And when I fall, I will fly.
And forever I'll continue to try.
Because then i dont have to wonder why,
Dont have to believe, i'm living a lie.
Wouldnt end up in a betrayed cry,
I would have no reason to die.

If you say something, and that something is right,
Then we can stop putting up this hopeless fight.
And we can Live and Love, or go seperate ways,
As long as we for no longer while in in nothingness stays.

Hi there

Alright, I liked it. Boy, you have got a lot say here and I heard it. Just watch out for a few punctuation errors like not capitalizing "I" at times. I had a little problem with length because in some stanzas you were repeating the same thing and then it seemed like you were stalling. But, a poet has got to fully express I will respect that. Greatly written anyhow I thought.

Good job.
Ziggie

Thank you very much, Ziggie x)

I agree with Ziggie here although the form you used wan't my favourite. It got across the message and I understood what you were trying to say.

Demoness wrote:Dear darling, say my love mean
Something. please say you feel for me,
that I can always on your shoulder lean.

This is the stanza that I feel requires the most editing. Work out where your punctuation needs to be and check you hevn't missed out any words.

I was just stalking looking at your profile and through your portfolio... because I'm nosey

Yeesh. SHAME ON ME, this is horrible.. I must either erase or fix it up immidiately!! Thanxx for the reviews anyhows

Hey Demoness,

There were a lot of grammar errors.

Say something that will once for all,
Proove that I'm fighting for
Love, 'cause then I'll kepp going till I fall.

I think you realize the errors there, but sometimes even when we proof read we miss things.

And we can Live and Love, or go seperate ways,
As long as we for no longer while in in nothingness stays.

Just spelt wrong!

Dear darling, say my love mean should be means
Something. puppercase lease say you feel for me,

Because then i I dont have to wonder why,
Dont have to believe, i'mI'm living a lie.
Wouldn't end up in a betrayed cry,

You can get rid of the up. I think it sounds more poetic.

And we can Live and Love, or go seperate ways,
As long as we for no longer while in in nothingness stays.

The last line makes no sense.

And you cant even look me in the eye.
But look me in the eye, and be true.

This just seems like a really confusing, forced rhyme.

Because as it is, i'm wandering lost.
Your words confuse me so bravely,
When falling for you, i didnt know the cost.

The I in I'm should be capitalized and the last I in the last line.

I didn't get all the mistakes, but this poem needs a lot of help.

PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo