Flight Towards Freedom

Flight Towards Freedom
By Lord SvaTantra


Fear, rejection and silent screams;
they seek approval and freedom dreams.

Mask, diamonds and fancy dress;
their soul chokes under the glittery mess.

Joy, happiness, for them they beg;
they all are slaves with chained legs.

Tired, defeated, they give in,
but I do not, for this is a sin.

Revolt, rebellion and my war cry;
I take off my clothes, my soul won't die.

Hated, scorned, I am loathed,
but they are blind, they are clothed.

Liberty, freedom, my limit is the sky;
With my wings outstretched I soar high.

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Hey there! I like the idea behind this poem is pretty good but my issues with it all stem back to the same problem: rhyming. For one thing, a few of your rhymes here are a bit awkward. "Dress" and "mess" work, but it's obvious you only used that second word to rhyme with the first, since that expression "glittery mess" doesn't really work here. Also, in the fifth and seventh stanzas, the lines don't rhyme at all. There's nothing more jarring for me than to read a poem that sometimes rhymes and sometimes doesn't. You don't have to rhyme in poetry. Sometimes rhyme can restrain a poet's creativity, and here having to adhere to a rhyme scheme has stifled some of yours. Keep working, though, you're pretty good.

Hey black bird thanks for the review!
I have edited my poem but I haven't rhymed the last two lines as to me they are OK.
And about those glittery mess, you didn't understand my poem correctly.

"Mask, diamonds and fancy dress;
Their soul chokes under the glittery mess."

In these lines masks, diamonds and the fancy dress refers to the fake personality that we cloak ourselves with in order for the society to like us. And the glittery mess also means the same. The jest of these lines is that people loose their real selves under their fake personalities. So you were pretty much wrong when you said that I used glittery mess just in order to rhyme.
So hope you like my edited version, and thanks for the review once again.

Got your message so here is my review

The glittery mess line did make sense to me, simply because you were talking about masks and fancy dress - this reminds me of some kind of masquerade (sp?) so the glitter fits into that well to me.

At some parts in the poem I thought I knew what the meaning was and then at the end I wasn't so sure, so to me at the moment it does not really have an overall meaning but I might have missed something

Your rhyming works well, but I do think that the last two do seem a little out of place not rhyming - but if this is something you are happy with then keep it that way as it means something to you personally.

Sorry this isn't a very good review, but I can't find any real faults with the poem as it does work well! The imagery is good and that's so important in poetry to really engage with the reader, so well done!

Jesse

bluewaterlily here to review your poem.

spike71294 wrote:Flight Towards Freedom
By Lord SvaTantra


Fear, rejection and silent screams;
They seek for approval and freedom dreams. I like this stanza alot.

Their soul chokes under the glittery mess.

Joy, happiness, for them they beg;
They all are slaves with chained legs.

Tired, defeated, they give in;
But I do not for this is a sin.

Revolt, rebellion and my war cry;
I take off my clothes, my soul won't die.

Hated, scorned, I am loathed;
But they are blind, they are clothed.

Naked and free I smile at them.
I spread my wings and fly.

Overall; I love this poem, and the hidden message behind it; don`t be what people want you to. And I love the title. My only complaint is the last line in the last stanza. It dosen`t rhyme with the line before it but other than that, the poem has good rhythm. I would have tried it like this :

I smile at them and fly
To spread my wings so they touch the sky

Hope I helped.

Hello there

I think that a lot has been said before me. I liked the poem and the consistent rhyming which was not annoying. I also think that you executed it in a creative way; meaning that it was not straight forward and I had to think to get the answers. I like poems like that. There is really not much to say because a lot has been said and nothing to correct either. So take this as a comment
Good job
Ziggie

Alright, Flower here as requested.


Fear, rejection and silent screams;
They seek for approval and freedom dreams. In this line shouldn't it be freedom of dreams? I think it would flow better if you had it like that.

Mask, diamonds and fancy dress; Why is only diamonds plural. It takes away from the flow.
Their soul chokes under the glittery mess. Again their is one plural. I think it would sound better if you put it. Their souls choke under the glittery mess.

Joy, happiness, for them they beg;
They all are slaves with chained legs. The chained legs part seems a bit forced. It sounds as if this was the only thing you could think of and you just left it there.

Tired, defeated, they give in;
But I do not for this is a sin. Why is it a sin to give in? Answering questions like this is very important.

Revolt, rebellion and my war cry; And my war cry doesn't keep up the same rhyme sceme as the rest of the poem.
I take off my clothes, my soul won't die. Why are you taking off your clothes? Please explain.

Hated, scorned, I am loathed;
But they are blind, they are clothed. Why again does it matter that they are clothed?

Naked and free I smile at them. How does lack of clothing free you?
I spread my wings and fly.[/quote] This line doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. It does not rhyme with the rest, thus throwing off the reader.


Alright now then that's taken care of. I like the idea of the poem, but it leaves us hanging with to many questions. Why are you suffocated by all of these things, and how are the people slaves. It seems like a dance to me and the main girl doesn't want to be involved. That is the only picture this painted in my mind. One thing you did lack was description. You always have to have this to make a decent poem, that and the story behind it. You gave simple details like, diamonds and glitter and dresses, but these words are so common. I think finding something more descriptive to help would be nice.

Other than that I don't see any other problems. I think this has potential to become something amazing with a little work. Hope I helped you.

-Flower-

Hmm thanks flower child but a poem isn't supposed to explain everything like a story.
I have used many metaphors and I think people are getting horribly confused.
Here is the full explanation-

Fear, rejection and silent screams;
They seek for approval and freedom dreams.
(Here it talks about how people are afraid of the society rejecting them and hating who they are. I have used the poetic license for the 'freedom dreams'.)

Mask, diamonds and fancy dress;
Their soul chokes under the glittery mess.
[It refers to how people put on fake identities (masks, diamonds, fancy clothes) and how they change themselves in order for the society to accept them. And it also talks about how people loose their true selves in the process.]

Joy, happiness, for them they beg;
They all are slaves with chained legs.
(It talks about how people seek their happiness in other people's acceptance. It compares them with slaves.)


Tired, defeated, they give in;
But I do not for this is a sin.
(At last the people abandon their true selves and just be who they are not so that they don't become outcasts. And also the protagonist thinks that this is a horrible deed comparable to murder of their self.)


Revolt, rebellion and my war cry;
I take off my clothes, my soul won't die.
(The protagonist rebels against the hypocritical society and he abandons his clothes i.e. his fake self.)



Hated, scorned, I am loathed;
But they are blind, they are clothed.
(Refers to how the society treats different people and how the people blindly follow what other people do without using their brains.They are clothed means they have lost themselves and are slaves of the society.)


Naked and free I smile at them.
I spread my wings and fly.
(I don't need to explain this but as a precautionary measure I will. The character is naked i.e. he is his true self. He smiles at the other people which shows that he doesn't care what they say. His flying is a metaphor of him attaining freedom.)

Heya spike!
Here to review as requested. I'm not the best when it comes to poetry critiques, so don't expect anything seriously amazing. I will try my best to give you a decent review though.

Fear, rejection and silent screams;
they seek for approval and freedom of dreams.
I thought that these were good opening lines. I added the word 'of' in between freedom and dreams because, without it, the sentence didn't technically make sense. It ws just a suggestion though, you could use something else. The word 'in' word have worked, I guess. Or you could simply say 'free dreams' instead of 'freedom dreams'. There are a few things that you could do, really.

Mask, diamonds and fancy dress;
their soul chokes under the glittery mess.
I also thought that this couplet was good. I like the theme you're going for so far, it definitely works. It's also good that your grammar is holding up okay.

Joy, happiness, for them they beg;
they all are slaves with chained legs.
From what I can tell, you seem to think that you need a capital letter at the beginning of every line. You don't! You only need to use capital letters if there is a period before it, even when you are starting a new line. I also don't really like the second line of this stanza. I think it's mainly because, to me, the rhyming seems kind of forced.

Tired, defeated, they give in,
but I do not, for this is a sin.
The grammar wasn't very good in this stanza. I can see that you seem to want to keep a pattern in the grammar; using semi colons at the end of each first line. Technically, the grammar you used here was wrong. You needed a comma and not a semi colon. It also took me a while to be able to read what you were saying in the second line properly because you didn't include the comma in it.

Revolt, rebellion and my war cry;
I take off my clothes, my soul won't die.
My war cry? I'm not sure what you're trying to say there... you should clear that up. I am definitely liking the emotive language that you're using in this, so far. I also quite like the pattern of this poem, as well.

Hated, scorned, I am loathed;
but they are blind, they are clothed.
Technically, the semi colon that you used here is wrong. You should never use the words 'and' and 'but' after a semi colon. I have left it though because I'm not too sure on how you'd want to change it. Whether you'd want to get rid of the word but or whether you'd want to replace the semi colon. I quite like the concept of this stanza, though!

Naked and free, I smile at them.
I spread my wings and fly.
I felt that this was a rather weak ending. I think it's the whole, "I spread my wings and fly", thing. It's a tad bit cliché, don't you think? I like the whole idea of being naked though, obviously it's not literal though! If you change the last line of this, I definitely think that this could be better.

Overall

As a whole, this poem was pretty good. Like I said before, I don't really know much about poetry, so don't take my critique too seriously. What I liked best about this poem is the emotive language that you used in it. I'm one of those cool people who love emotive language. Yeah, I'm cool like that. Anyway, I think that you used it well, but at the same time, I don't think that you overused it. Another thing that I really liked about this was the fact that, to me, the rhyming scheme didn't seem forced. There was one line where I felt that the rhyming did feel a bit forced, but except for that one line, the rhyming scheme as a whole was fine. It was also good how you didn't tell us what was happening, you showed us. That is very important in a poem, if you ask me. As for your grammar, I found the odd error but nothing too serious. Your spelling was flawless, as far as I could tell.

My main critique on this is the fact that we don't really know why what is going on, is going on. Like flower said, you've got us asking too many questions. If this was a story, it would be fine because you could answer these questions in the next chapter. This isn't a story though, it's a poem. Therefore, you can't really answer these questions unless you answer them in the poem itself. You could make a sequel to the poem, it's been done before, but I don't personally like it when people do that. To begin with, why do you feel suffocated? Who are the 'bad' people? I'm aware that you've answered these questions by replying, but to be honest, you need to answer them in the poem itself! It's a lot harder than you think. Telling us readers the meaning of every stanza by replying to your post is fine, but it doesn't really improve the poem. If you really want this poem to be effective, you need to answer these questions in the poem, not in a reply. You're clearly a good writer, I know you can do it!

I don't really have much else to say. Anything that I would say has been said already. If you take into account what us reviewers have said and edit your poem a bit, this could be a seriously great poem! You've got some nice emotive language here, a lovely flow, nice rhyming scheme and the concept of the poem itself is great; it just needs to be made a slight bit clearer.

Keep writing!

xoxo Rhian

Hiya,

You have gotten many good critiques on this poem so I'm not going to repeat any points that were made. I was very confused, and while your explanation cleared things up a bit, you shouldn't have to do that. Poetry should speak for itself. If you find yourself having to repeat and constantly explain what your poem is about, then you aren't doing your job as an author. When you revise this, I would start bare and just focus on the theme, the intent of the poem, and consider clarity only. Is the message being given to us without seeming too forced? My main problem with this is that it seems like you're trying too hard to be elaborate and artsy. Tone your style down, maybe not set as many metaphors, and your poetry will be clearer and more enjoyable. Anyway, PM me for anything.

-Elinor x

First I'm going to say that I really really enjoyed this poem! Very creative with a great use of imagery Nice job.

Second, I really love the meaning behind the poem. How you described the corruption of society through imagery, again, was excellent. Although, like some others, I did get confused toward the end. However, I don't think that really matters. I like the challenge of trying to figure the writer out.

And third, the rhyming didn't bother me personally. That might be because I'm oblivious to non-critical things like that

So I guess I have nothing bad to say about the poem. I thought it was awesome. Again, nice work. And I'm here anytime you need an opinion.

Hey Spike ^^ Shina here, on request. Please note that I haven't reviewed, really reviewed, in a while, but I'll do my best

I. Nitpicks

So, I understand that you are confused with the several comments about your poem not making sense and being confusing. I, however, don't believe it's the fact that your poem's meaning is confusing, or the idea. I think that it's the wording you chose in this poem that makes it a a bit difficult to understand.

Fear, rejection and silent screams;
they seek for approval and freedom dreams.

Anyone can have a good idea, but how the person expresses that what differentiates good writing from the not-so-good.

When I read this stanza, I was trying to picture your words. And you know what happened? I only saw words, words that didn't seem quite connected. I mean, why would Screams and Rejection and Fear want "freedom dreams?" Freedom dreams is a funky phrase all on its on. I think what you need to do is clarify. And you also need to add more depth to this poem. You need to use description so that the reader can experience what's going on, not just hear words echo in their head.

II. Overall

I'm going to cut to the chase here. I think the first thing to blame the poem's downfall is the rhyme scheme. Oh, goodness, you do NOT need the rhyme scheme. I really think that's the first thing that's making everyone's head's spin. When you decided to use a rhyme scheme, you sort of, how should I phrase this? Locked your idea. Gave it limits. Put it in a cage, because it had to follow the rhyme scheme.

And personally, I believe that the idea and meaning is more important than any rhyme scheme. You shouldn't mold it into something it's not, and doesn't want to be. I think maybe you should try rewriting this in a freeform style. There's definitely meaning in here, and a story, but something's holding it back.

The next thing I'm going to have to cover is that stanza on the dresses and glittery gold or whatever it was. As a reader, I had no idea why that was included. That's what really made me second-guess what your poem meant.

And lastly, your last stanza. I can't exactly feel for the narrator because he went from all these sad, depressing stanzas about being put down and enslaved and things of that nature, to flying? First of all, all of a sudden flying is sort of a cliche ending. If you still want to use it, I would highly recommend you build up to that ending. It's really abrupt. It's kind of like you cheated, took a short cut, to the ending.

Hope that helps ^__^ PM anytime you'd like another review or need help.

-Shina

Hi Spike! I got your PM and while I'm useless with poems, I just love the message behind your words, so I thought I owed you a review! Well ... comment.

Fear, rejection and silent screams;
they seek for approval and freedom dreams.

It's only a small nitpick, but I can't help but feel it would sound better without that. "Seek for" doesn't really work. As 'seek' is really 'look for' so it would be 'they look for for'. Ha ha, yeah, it's a small thing. I can't help but feel the flow improves when you take out "for", though.

I take off my clothes, my soul won't die.

Hated, scorned, I am loathed;
But they are blind, they are clothed.

My favourite bit. C: It reminds me of an artwork I saw, which was a Grecian statue hiding in front of a pile of clothes. Overall message: People hide their beauty (internal and external) so they can be accepted in society. Which is a theme included in your poem, yes? C:

Tired, defeated, they give in,
but I do not, for this is a sin.

I'm not sure why, but I really dislike the last line. It feel sort of .. forced...

By the way, I do adore the imagery you use, such as the feet shackled together and the "glittery mess". Um, I don't have much else to talk about. I'm no master in poetry, so feel free to discard any of my opinions, although I have tried to review the text rather than ...a poem. If that makes sense. I hope you've found what I've said useful and please do PM me again if you want anything else reviewed! 'Cause I did enjoy this poem.

~EmmaJane~

Intresting but very effective.
Good

I really like this! It's a bit confusing at first though, I had to read it twice and the second time more slowly. I like that you're not quite sure what it's about.

Tired, defeated, they give in,
but I do not, for this is a sin.

I really like that part, it shows that the writer is strong and won't accept defeat.
Overall, I think it's wonderful. Most others have nit-picked what I wanted to, so, it's overall brilliant!

Ellie